Heropsychodreamer

Part II: "Pinnacle"

Sirius knew that if there were Hell, should he die this instant, he would most surely end up there. And as the guest of honor, no less. If things were to go his way, they would have him frying on a very big stick, his balls hanging on a separate spear for him to look at for all of eternity.

He was a bastard. Stupid, no-good, abysmally idiotic bastard.

Whatever possessed him to blurt out the most senseless and ludicrous words of his life, he didn't know. But they had come out. His mouth actually opened up and the words "Well, then, all you have to do, Severus, is poke that left knot on the tree with a large stick and you'll be able to find out where he goes, you insufferable sneak," escaped, their anger unmistakable. It was only after he realized that Snape had actually taken him up on the offer that the real meaning had sunk in. By that time, a frenzied James had already run off the Quidditch pitch, angrier that Sirius had ever seen him, and a very pissed off and petrified Snape was unceremoniously dragged off to safety. Sirius saw everything transpire through a very numb brain, events mixing up together and pinning down to one crucial and irrevocable fact - Remus would now want nothing to do with him - ever again.

Sirius couldn't blame him one bit.

Not only was the most despicable person he knew at Hogwarts now privy to the fact that Remus was a werewolf, therefore holding Remus' further education and acceptance overall in his slimy little hands, but Sirius had betrayed Remus. Betrayed Remus. The bloody most important person in his life, save for his parents and James.

Snape had caught him at a very bad time - Sirius had just been on his late way to Quidditch practice, broomstick and robes in hand, when a slimy voice called out from the shadows:

"And what's got you in such a big rush, Black? Trying to make up for past mistakes and actually stay on your broom this time?" His voice dripped disdain. Sirius was sure he could almost see it. Turning around briefly, and not really planning on staying long in such company, Sirius threw back:

"I'm just planning on making a career out of embarrassing Slytherins in any way I can. Turns out, I can do that in Quidditch, among other places."

"Oh, I don't think so. Judging from last time, you can barely even hold onto a broomstick..." The last word was heavy with innuendo, almost choking Sirius with it. It was true, there was a moment when a Bludger had hit him so hard, James had to give him a hand so he could clamber back up onto his broom, but he hadn't fallen off or anything. And something about Snape's statement led him to believe that that wasn't the incident he was referring to. So, he made it known:

"Just what in the hell are you talking about, Snape?"

"Hmmm, what am I talking about?" He pretended to think, corners of his mouth rising unattractively into something almost resembling a smile - a very greasy smile. "So, where's the groupie? Doesn't he like to watch his boyfriends riding broomsticks and throwing balls around?"

Sirius wanted to choke him to death. He wanted to take a very heavy Bludger and knock Snape senseless. The disgustingly put insinuations could only be taken one way - Snape was never one for true subtlety - and they hit too close to home for Sirius, though why he wasn't going to think about. He growled and advanced on Snape, teeth barred, very much like Padfoot when some beast was on the verge of attacking in the Forbidden Forest. Snape's smirk died down, and the menacing look in his eyes increased ten-fold:

"What? Got you pegged, Black? Is the famous trio doing it in the dead of night, perverts that you all are? Have you got Pettigrew involved, too, making him your little bitch? Or is that Lupin, after all? The little sick weakling, nose buried in books, hand up your -"

WHAM. Sirius' practiced fist connected with Snape's long nose, knocking the Slytherin backwards to the stone floor.

"You - leave - them - out of it!" he yelled, not really caring if a thousand Filches were to descend upon him right now, with a thousand detentions already written out and ready to be served. Snape had gone too far this time, and Sirius would be damned if he didn't do anything about it. Still towering over Snape's prone figure on the ground, he raged on:

"If you hate us all so bloody much, why follow us around? I've seen you - always in our way, always wanting to know just what we're up to, sticking your large nose into business that isn't yours!"

"Like I care what the hell you do!" Snape got his voice back and was shouting from the ground, nose bloody and lip cut. "The invincible little posse! You think nothing can touch you? Ha! Think again, Black - when we're all out in a year and a half, your little pranks won't do you any good! It takes brains to survive, and I'm afraid you're out of luck!"

Sirius choked back a laugh. Snape, calling them stupid? Calling James stupid, calling Remus stupid? Now, that was amusing.

"You think you can outwit us, is that it? You think you're somehow smarter than Remus? May I remind you who out-dueled you in one go the last time?" Sirius' smirk grew wider at the memory. Remus was magnificent, making Snape fall to the floor before the other could even say "Expelliarmus!"

"Your Lupin is nothing but a walking book. And perhaps I can outwit all of you, after all, stealth is nothing if not useful. Just where the hell was Lupin going today, so dangerously close the Forbidden forest?"

Sirius blanched. Snape had been sneaking around.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He watched as Snape finally got himself off the ground and tried looking as dignified as he could with blood pouring out of his face.

"Lupin. The Whomping Willow. He was walking towards it today, about twenty minutes earlier. Dangerous place, that - you never know what you'll find there...angry imps, unicorn-blood-sucking fiends, werewolves..." He looked at Sirius suggestively, and Sirius felt himself going dizzy. He knew. The bastard knew! His angry state didn't allow Sirius to think further, all he wanted was Snape on the ground again, bleeding and not bloody talking. Which he was still doing.

"What, has he gone to meet a lover? A monster? A...Death Eater?"

Rage pounded in Sirius' ears. How dare he?! How bloody dare that insufferable Slytherin make Remus out to be a bloody Death Eater?! Did he know he was a werewolf and therefore decide that since he was a Dark Creature he would turn to bloody You-Know-Who?!

And that's when he said it. And that's when he became worse than Snape. He had betrayed a friend who had trusted him throughout their entire friendship and now he had lost him.

After a sleepless night, full of horrific images of Snape being mauled to death by Remus, and Remus being sent away to be put down like a bloody fucking dog, or sent to Azkaban to live the rest of his life among Dementors, Sirius got dressed at dawn and made his way to the Hospital Wing. An enraged James had told him earlier that since Remus got so close to human flesh and never got to actually taste it, he most likely mauled himself half to death and if Sirius had any brains left in his head, he would leave him alone and instead go talk to Dumbledore who was waiting for him in his office. Sirius decided that he needed to see Remus. Maybe not talk to him, because that was possibly the worst thing he could think of at the moment, even the images from the restless night not being a competition, but at least see him. Alive. And still at Hogwarts.

When he had turned the corner that led to the Hospital Wing, Sirius saw that he was just in time to see a very pale Madam Pomfrey levitating a conjured stretcher that carried Remus. Sirius whimpered at the sight, and almost called out to his prone friend, but checked himself just in time.

Remus was a bloody mess. His eyes were closed, and his eyebrows were drawn together. He was moaning in pain, and his body looked like it could never be put together again. Gashes ran up and down his arms, huge claw marks visible even from where Sirius was standing. His torso, half covered by a bloodied-up white sheet, was crisscrossed with newly formed scars, not yet healed, blood congealing in russet tracks. Without noticing Sirius, Madam Pomfrey opened the door to the Hospital Wing with her wand and carefully let the stretcher pass, murmuring words of comfort to Remus, who didn't seem to hear her at all. The door shut behind them.

Abruptly, Sirius turned and ran. Halfway down the staircase, he heard a calm voice behind him that made his blood stop in its tracks.

"Mr. Black, would you kindly step into my office, please?"

Sirius didn't know what was worse - the fact that he hadn't even gotten a detention or the fact that he hadn't been thrown out of Hogwarts on the spot, because he did not deserve to stay like nothing had happened. He had never seen Dumbledore this angry and calm at the same time before. Apparently, the Headmaster had managed to convince Snape not to reveal what he had seen at the end of the tunnel of the Whomping Willow, but it was a close call and Remus had been very near the end of his wizarding career. All thanks to Sirius and his apparent lack of brains. Perhaps Snape was right after all.

Head bowed, Sirius left the office and climbed back up to the tower. James was sitting in the Common Room, silent and pale and very distant. He didn't look up when Sirius entered, or when he settled himself into a chair right next to him. A very long and painful silence ensued.

"I just want to know one thing, Sirius - what the hell were you thinking?" James had finally interrupted the silence and looked Sirius straight in the eye. Sirius answered the gaze, then lowered his eyes and said:

"God, he was being such a bastard... He... He insinuated that Remus was a...a...Death Eater... And -"

"So?" James' voice was cold.

"And I lost it!"

"Apparently."

"He also made it sound like he knew, James, I thought he knew!"

"How in the world could he have known, Sirius?!" James was on the verge of blowing up again.

"He sneaks around, he saw Remus go up to the Willow!"

"Doesn't mean shit, Sirius, now you listen to me. Remus doesn't know who did this and you are bloody well going and telling him. Not now," he yanked Sirius hard down by the wrist as he made a move to leave. "He needs rest, Sirius, he almost killed himself last night. But you will tell him. And right now, go someplace else, I don't want to see you."

Sirius blanched and groped for balance. This was James telling him he didn't want to see him. This couldn't have been happening. Not James, please, not - James. If this was James' reaction, then what could he expect from Remus? Yes, he bloody well screwed up, but he hadn't meant to! He wasn't evil! You had only betrayed your best friend in the worst way possible, that's all, said a nagging voice in the back of his head, and Sirius sighed. He staggered out of the chair and made to walk through the portrait hole. Just as he was leaving, he realized that he had almost killed James, too.

~*~

"Remus?"

Sirius poked his head through the curtains to see Remus lying awake, unblinking eyes staring at the ceiling. Upon hearing Sirius' voice, he turned his head slowly, and tried smiling. His strength seemed to leave him, though, and the corners of his strong mouth turned down. Clearing his throat, Remus winced and finally choked out:

"Sirius... What are you doing here?" His voice sounded gentle, even through the hoarseness. Sirius welcomed the sound, as he hadn't heard anything even remotely nice since before he met up with Snape in that damned hallway. It wouldn't last.

"I... I came to see how you're feeling, Moony," he answered, smiling in return and trying to appear at least a little normal. He sat down on the edge of Remus' bed, looking at his friend intently. Remus' face was covered in scars, too, though they seemed to be disappearing, probably under the careful ministrations of Madam Pomfrey and her time-release spells. He was pale as could be, veins visible through the thin skin, making his face appear near dead. Hazel eyes looked exhausted and were highlighted by the deep shadows that had settled underneath them. Balling his hands into tight fists, Sirius made himself speak:

"D'you remember...anything...from last night, Remus?"

"Well..." Remus closed his eyes briefly. "I remember someone being there... The three of you weren't there, it was a human smell... I know that you were at Quidditch practice and Peter was serving his detention, so... Why?" All of a sudden a realization seemed to hit him, and Remus looked up at Sirius with frightened eyes. "What happened? I only remember wanting to, well...maul whoever was there, but then they disappeared and I turned on myself... Why, Sirius, what happened, tell me, please!" Remus's voice became urgent and he tried sitting up, his strength failing him. Sirius made a move to calm him down, and restrained the hands that were threatening to break under the pressure. They were cold, yet felt alive and were trembling in his own. Sirius squeezed them.

"Calm down, Remus, nothing terrible, lay back down, please..." He coerced Remus back into the pillow and the boy obeyed silently, exhaustion getting the better of him. "I need to...tell you something, though." He sighed, dropping Remus' hands and briefly noticing the emptiness where they had been a moment before. Still looking at the scarred hands that lay motionless on the white sheet, almost mingling in shade, Sirius took a deep breath.

"What is it, Padfoot?"

Sirius almost choked a sob at the concern in that voice. He didn't deserve it. And now Remus would find out why.

"I...I am so sorry, Remus, but... You see, the person that you smelled was Snape. He knows about you...now." He took a chance and looked up at Remus. The eyes that he met were filled with more terror than he had ever seen there. Remus looked like a caged animal, trapped and tortured.

"H-how... Oh, God, Sirius, how did he...how did he know? Where is he now? What happened?!"

"He saw you walking towards the Willow, and then I met him in a hallway on my way to practice... He told me he had seen you... He...he said some awful things, and I...I got mad, Remus, I got so mad I wasn't thinking!.." Here came the part that Sirius couldn't put his mouth around. He looked at Remus again, noting the paleness, the terror and hating himself for being single-handedly responsible for all of it. He had to tell him. "I... I told him how to get past the Willow, Remus, I am so sorry, please forgive me..." He hung his head low, not knowing what to do now that it was done, and it felt like all his energy had left him along with those words. Remus wasn't speaking. A silence descended so terrible, Sirius thought he might break under its pressure. For a long time, he could scarce hear himself breathing. Then, out of his periphery, he saw a pale hand draw back convulsively, trembling so hard that it looked like Remus had gone into a seizure. Finally making his eyes meet Remus', Sirius almost whimpered. Closed-off and cold, the hazel eyes bore into his. Remus had never looked angrier or more hurt. They looked at each other for a long time, and Sirius felt the blood in his ears pound hard and fast. Any minute now it would explode.

"Get out, Sirius."

"Moon -"

"No. My name is Remus Lupin, I'm a werewolf, and I don't ever want to see you again. Leave me alone."

"Oh, God, Remus, please understand! I didn't mean t -"

"I don't care. You told Snape how to find me in my wolf form and you used me. I don't want to see you here, ever again, get the hell out, Sirius." Remus started to turn away, and it was clear that every movement was causing him acute pain. Sirius numbly made a move to help him, but Remus scowled and gnarled and finally turned away. It didn't even look like he was breathing.

Sirius knew that he had to leave. He knew that Remus would never forgive him. He knew all this, and yet he stayed because he couldn't make his feet move. They were like lead, heavy and solid, unmoving. His mouth worked, and words streamed out of it, but they all fell on deaf ears.

"Remus, Remus, please, please, please forgive me, I am so sorry, I didn't mean, please, he provoked me, I know that's not an excuse, but it's sort of a reason, and I will never do anything like this again, please, for love of God, Remus, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me..."

What seemed like hours later, when Sirius finally willed his body to move, he left the Hospital Wing. Blindly, he walked down the staircase. He crossed the entrance of the castle. He opened the heavy door. He walked across the grounds. He came up to the lake. It was black and heavy, like liquefied tar.

It felt that everything in his body had shut down, and the door to his brain had been sealed shut. Sirius couldn't make himself feel anything, think anything, he just was. Numb and blind and mute.

He had lost him.

Through the terrible salvation of the numbness one thought kept poking its way out. He had lost him. He had lost him before he even had him. Now was not the time to hide anything - he was exposed to the world and himself as something vile and hideous. And there was no getting around the fact that Snape was right about another thing. Sirius was in love with Remus. Hell, he had been for ages, carefully concealing his frightening feelings from everyone in the whole world, including himself. And now - now there was not a damn thing he could do about it.

He just hoped that the spears in Hell were sharp enough.

TBC