Heropsychodreamer

"The attic of my mind
these feelings I can't hide
I can't share
I feel alone, ah yeah
the subconscious keeps me here
I fell in love with a balladeer
I saw your tongue, it licked my heart
they called you queer"

-"Heropsychodreamer", Live

~~~~~~

Part I: "Disclosure"

Remus Lupin kicked the snow that had formed around the castle walls and in the process stubbed his toe. Swearing loudly, he jumped up and down for a while to calm his nerves as well as the throbbing toe, and then proceeded to stalk off, as far away from the dratted castle as possible.

He hated that castle right now, and he hated everybody that occupied it. Hell, he hated everybody, period. And he really hated himself.

"Pervert... Stupid, useless, bloody..." Remus huffed as he wandered further and further away from the building, towards the lake. He let out a puff of air and his breath formed into a cool cloud around his face, dissipating rapidly. With a heavy sigh, he fell onto the snow, bum-first, and shoved his hands into its icy crystals.

It was official. He was the most abnormal, perverse human being on the whole damn planet - and this time there was no excuse for it. It was bad enough being a werewolf - at least that wasn't completely his fault. But this...this was the way he had been born. And this would also be the end of him. After what happened... well, he didn't think he could come back to the castle to face anyone. Granted, no one had noticed, but, dammit, he had.

Remus's fingers played with the snow idly, tracing patterns into the slushy, yet jagged surface. It happened earlier that morning. Remus had come back from the Shack exhausted and bruised, but expertly bandaged up by Madam Pomfrey. He fell into bed immediately, hoping against hope that perhaps soon his friends would be able to join him on these painful nights. Remus didn't know if it would really help - who knew what sort of shapes the threesome would take. After all, you couldn't exactly choose who you became as an Animagus... Your form sort of chose you, instead. But they would be good company, at any rate.

Some part of him was still scared for the three, even after all the assurances he had heard over the past few years. Sirius' mind simply would not be changed - he had to do it, and James and Peter seemed just as determined. Remus honestly didn't know why they were so taken with the idea of accompanying him on full moons, but that didn't prevent him from being eternally grateful.

He was about to close his curtains as he picked up his wand, but caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. Sirius was stirring and looked on the verge of waking up. He seemed to be hot, as he was kicking the blankets off himself with his bare legs, his face damp with sweat. When he had succeeded at kicking the blankets clean off the bed, he turned away and soon began to breathe rhythmically once again, his back rising and falling slowly with each successive breath. The early winter sun was peering through the window and idly catching on his long body, and suddenly Remus realized that for some inexplicable reason he had found Sirius beautiful. It was the most disturbing thought he'd ever had, and its strangeness was stressed by the fact that all of a sudden he had grown...hard. Hard, at the sight of Sirius.

His friend.

Who wasn't a girl.

Not willing to think of the obvious and frightening implications of that occurrence, Remus groaned and tried to mentally shake the erection off. No luck - it was still there. Maybe that was because he was still looking at Sirius, who was, blissfully for the both of them, still asleep. Why was it that his longish black hair seemed so soft against the white pillow, and his back that had begun to form some muscle as he continued to grow, so attractive to Remus? Why did his shorts-covered ass have to have that curve to it that made Remus want to touch it and see if it was really as hard as it looked? And why did Sirius had to have left his curtains open?

Probably because he trusted his best friend to not go around lusting after him, that's why! thought Remus and demonstratively turned away. His hand seemed to take care of his erection as he came, frustrated, onto his fingers, but nothing - nothing - could now help him to get rid of his rather conflicted thoughts. After a half an hour of trying to fall asleep and failing miserably, Remus got up and, picking up his cloak, fled from the dormitory without a backward glance. He needed to get away from it - and from Sirius.

A gust of wind ruffled his hair and chilled his somewhat cracked skin. Remus didn't care. Nothing mattered now in the face of this horrific discovery, which he now knew to be irrevocably true. He'd seen the signs before, after all, just not as explicit and unavoidable as this morning. He was a - what do they call it? A poof? That's right. He was attracted to men. To cocks. Not to big breasts and soft curves, but to hard muscle and completely flat chests. More importantly, he was attracted to the hard muscle and a completely flat chest of his best friend Sirius, who, if he ever found out, would probably throw a disgusted fit and refuse to talk to him, ever. In short, Remus Lupin was a perverted werewolf.

A desperation like he'd never known, even at the hands of his curse, came over him and Remus found himself falling into that despicable pit of helplessness. There was nothing to be done. If anyone ever found out, he would be shunned. After all, who'd want to be around a perverted boy who wanted other boys? Being a werewolf was bad enough - the newly formed scars reminded him of it even now - but a gay one? He'd be forced to live as a hermit, at best.

And what about his family? Remus groaned as he imagined his mother's face falling at the revelation that she would never have a daughter-in-law, or grandkids. Or a normal son. All his life, he'd imagined his future having some sort of family. Although, being a werewolf would probably have thwarted those plans, as well. But not being able to even comfort his mother with thoughts of any future girlfriends at all... It could not happen. He wouldn't let it. He didn't even want to imagine what his father would think if he brought home a...boyfriend.

"Hello, Mum, Dad! This is my boyfriend! Isn't he lovely?"

Remus snorted at the idea. No. He would never cause such pain to his parents. They would never accept it, and he understood why. It was perverted, the whole idea. He was a boy. He wasn't supposed to like other boys. He was supposed to like girls, girls like Violet Brown, or Lily Evans, or Anne Bones. NOT boys like...Sirius. Sirius, whose face was so...alive, as it never stopped grinning, or frowning, or pulling a face, or talking, or smiling. Sirius, whose body was fast growing into its height, filling out in the shoulders, chest, arms and legs. Sirius, who at the same time was the closest and most irritating friend he'd ever known. Sirius, who would go through hell and back, if needed, for any one of his friends without a second thought, and who was the one to come up with the idea of becoming Animagi in a state of frenzied inspiration in the first place.

However, all that did little to reassure Remus that, had he the courage to show his newfound...feelings...to Sirius, the other boy would not turn away in disgust.

Resolutely, Remus got up and began walking towards the castle, jaw set in determination. He would forget this whole bloody mess. He would go up to Violet tomorrow and ask her to come with him to the next Hogsmeade weekend. She was pretty, after all, even if a bit silly. He would make his parents and friends proud, and he would not be shunned by anybody. That was it - he would simply push every perverted thought out of his head and snog Violet, like he was supposed to. Maybe he was just mistaken, anyway. Just because no sight of a girl had ever really caused a hard-on, didn't mean that it was impossible. Remus would become normal, even if it killed him.

He opened the large wooden door of Hogwarts castle, and briskly walked toward the staircase. He heard the door shut behind him with a heavy thud.

TBC.