Arbitrary

Arbitrary

"Harry!"

Harry Potter, aptly nicknamed the Boy-Who-Lived, turned around to face his biggest admirer, Colin Creevey. Harry had no idea what the little twerp wanted this time, and he really didn't care to find out, but he felt obligated to at least acknowledge the presence of his annoying fans.

"Yes, Colin?" he inquired as politely as possible.

"Y'know how in some Muggle schools they have a book with pictures of the students and who was into which activities and so forth? Of course you do. How silly of me. I mean you do come from a Muggle family and all, but if you really lived in a cupboard, maybe you-"

Harry tuned the small photographer out at that point. Fantasizing about Cho Chang and Eloise Midgen, even if she was a bit spotty, doing rather randy things to him in the Astronomy Tower was much more interesting.

"Oh, yeah," the green-eyed boy murmured, lost in his latest daydream of debauchery.

"You do? Oh, that's just brilliant, Harry! I knew you'd like this idea. I thought about having you write it, but, being that I know almost everything there is to know about the great Harry Potter after all, I could paint a much more intriguing picture, as you seem to have no real flare for recounting your accomplishments."

At that, the diminutive fifth year practically skipped down the corridor into the Charms classroom. Harry watched him go with a perplexed look on his face. Colin wanted to paint a portrait of him? No, he said something or other about writing. Maybe he wanted permission to do an essay. Yes, that was it. Creevey must be writing an essay on him for History of Magic. Bloody annoying git. Didn't he realize Harry had better things to do than talk to him? Like meet his friends in the common room to discuss their latest theories on how Voldemort managed to take over Blaise Zabini's body for exactly sixteen minutes and forty-two seconds without Dumbledore knowing and why he attacked a pureblood Hufflepuff.

---

"Inka dinka doo," Harry demanded of the Fat Lady. She merely frowned at him and crossed her flabby arms. Harry sighed, wondering why they changed the password yet again. Honesty, Neville couldn't be that absent-minded and give it out to the Slytherin first years four times, could he?

"Hermione!" he shouted through the wall.

The Fat Lady muttered something about her over-sensitive ears. The portrait cracked open slowly and a wand poked out. Attached to the wand was a dark hand.

"Dean, it's me."

"Can't be too sure, Harry... If that is your real name."

Harry huffed in frustration. Dean had watched too many spy movies over the holiday. Fortunately, he had finally ceased prattling on about football all the time. Hmph, as if it held a candle to Quidditch.

"Let me in, you prat."

"Can't. Hermione says we really have to watch out for-"

"Slytherins with Polyjuice Potion, yes, I know, and I'm not going to stand out here for an hour to prove I haven't used any. Besides, it only happened once and it was just Bulstrode wanting to a take a peek at Seamus."

"Well, she did make a convincing Neville," Dean reasoned.

"Anyone would make a convincing Neville!"

The portrait opened wider and Hermione shoved Dean out of the way. Harry entered the Gryffindor Common Room and took a seat next to the Weasleys on the burgundy sofa. Ginny gazed at him with adoration, but as usual, he completely ignored the besotted girl and started an Exploding Snap game with Ron. Across the room, Hermione yelled at Dean for not being sensible.

"-have such a thing as the Marauder's Map for a reason! If it was Polyjuice Potion, it would have said 'Vincent Crabbe' and not 'Harry Potter'!" Hermione fumed.

"Crabbe? Crabbe wouldn't even be able to read the directions to Polyjuice Potion. Huh, and you call yourself the Queen of Intelligence," Dean crossed his arms and smirked at her.

Hermione flushed. How did Dean Thomas, of all people, know she had composed a song proclaiming herself the Queen? She'd only sung it-

"You, you, you- augh! How dare you watch me shower!"

Hermione's face resembled a ripe tomato. Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown giggled from the corner. Hermione whirled around to face them, her bushy hair flying about in a frenzy.

"He watched you too, you know!"

Neville Longbottom raised his hand slightly from his position near the fireplace.

"Um, actually, I... I told him about the song..." he whispered, redder than Hermione.

"What!?" the angry girl demanded.

"I said, I-"

"I heard you!" She stomped off to the staircases, then turned around, and looked at Neville incredulously. "You watched me?"

"Um, n-no," he stuttered, highly embarrassed, "I, um... y-you... you weren't in the shower... You were singing it in, in front of Zonko's last time at Hogsmeade."

Hermione's eyes widened. She must have been singing it unconsciously. Damn her for making up such a catchy tune. She ran up to the girl's dormitory, hands over her mouth.

The room was silent for a few seconds before Lavender, Parvati, and Dean succumbed to another giggle fest. Ron and Harry sat oblivious on the sofa. Harry was doing a victory dance with his eyebrows while Ron sucked his thumb.

Ginny shook her head at her brother. He'd been playing Exploding Snap for years and always managed to burn his thumb. Apparently, she decided, the Voldemort meeting wouldn't take place after all. After one more longing look in Harry's direction, Ginny returned to her dormitory to write in her non-possessed, completely un-suspicious diary.

---

"I know everything there is to know about everything there is.

At Charms, I am quite charming; at Arithmancy, I'm a whiz.

Nothing is illogical because all of it makes sense;

Well, to me, at least. I'm the Queen of Intelligence."

"Severus-"

"I create perfect Potions. I'm a conjuring sensation.

I receive top marks for each transfiguration."

"Ahem."

"If you can't tame a flobberworm, you're obviously dense.

Watch me do it easily. I'm the Queen of Intelli-"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, man!" squeaked Filius Flitwick, pulling at the Potion Master's robes.

Professor Snape froze and stared down at the little man. Had he really just sung that out loud in the middle of the Professors' Lounge? Judging by Minerva's pathetic attempt to hide a smile, he had.

"Come now, Filius," McGonagall stifled a giggle. "It was quite entertaining. Much more so than Trelawney's rendition of the Sorting Hat Song of 1973."

Chortles emerged from the collective Professors as Snape stormed out of the Lounge, 'accidentally' spilling tea on Flitwick's head as he passed.

---

Snape flung open the door to the Potions classroom with a bit more force than necessary. He glowered at a randomly chosen student, still angry that his colleagues blatantly humiliated him in the Lounge. They were always doing things like that. Bloody stupid Minerva. She'd had it in for him since his first day as a student.

The Professor slammed his large Potions text on his desk. He took a minute to compose himself, so as not to yell at the idiotic pupils. Snape cleared his throat.

"Today we will be making a polishing potion. This will require three ne-"

Hermione waved her hand in the air vigorously. "Is this going to be a floor-polishing potion or a window-polishing potion?"

Severus raised one eyebrow and sneered at her. "Does it matter, Granger? Thirty-four points from Gryffindor for asking inane questions and interrupting me. As I was saying; this potion will require three newt eyes, a pinch of puffskein fur, eight scales of-"

Ron and Harry discussed theories on why Snape picked thirty-four points this time, while Hermione tried to listen to the ingredients list.

"I still say it's just random. He just hates us," Ron stated, nodding his head for emphasis.

"Exactly. He's a greasy old prejudiced-"

"Quiet. I'm trying to listen," Hermione hissed at her friends. She turned her attention back to Snape. Ron pulled a face at her while she wasn't looking.

---

"Now," Snape continued, after he had told them the directions, "since certain Gryffindors can't seem to pay attention to anything I say," here he glared at Harry and Ron who made a mistake of sitting near the front, "you will not be choosing your partners."

Harry muttered something about knowing he'd be paired with Lavender. She'd been waggling her eyebrows at him for months now. Hermione rolled her eyes. Ron shuddered, glancing at the Slytherins across the room. Beside Hermione, Neville looked positively petrified that he wouldn't have her helping him.

Snape smirked to himself, taking in the frightened expressions on the students of both houses. He debated pairing Longbottom with Goyle, but really had no desire to see if polishing potion could somehow gain explosive properties. He simply went alphabetically instead.

"Um, Professor Snape, sir-"

"Yes, you heard me right, Malfoy. You're with Longbottom."

"But, surely, you don't-"

"Twenty-seven points from Slytherin."

Harry and Dean snickered from behind the Malfoy-Longbottom table. Draco was too shocked at getting points taken away to glare at them.

---

In the back of the room, Seamus Finnigan tried to explain the difference between newt and salamander eyes to his partner.

"The newt eyes are more a dark brown than black, right?" Crabbe asked.

"No, no, blue. They're blue." The Irish boy put his head in his hand. Explaining anything to Vincent Crabbe was utterly pointless.

---

Lavender sighed, staring across the room at Harry's head. He was such a handsome boy. Millicent Bulstrode lumbered back to their table with the ingredients. Lavender didn't even look in her direction.

---

"Don't stir it counter-clockwise, you twit!"

"Don't tell me what to do, Parkinson! It says to stir it that way," Parvati shouted, jabbing the parchment with her wand and accidentally lighting it on fire. The flames quickly leaped to the puffskein fur and assorted other flammable substances.

"Put it out! Put it out!" Pansy screeched.

---

"You sit there like the sloth you are and don't. Touch. Anything. Got that, Longbottom?"

"But, i-if you don't explain it to me, I can't un-"

"I'm not bloody Granger! If you haven't figured it out by now, Longbottom, you're useless." With that, Malfoy flounced away to gather ingredients.

Neville glared at the back of his head. He snatched Draco's parchment and muttered at it, waving his wand lightly. Hermione's boring tutoring sessions finally pay off for once, Neville thought as he watched the ingredients list switch itself around.

---

"Got the dragon scales," Gregory Goyle announced, dumping the entire bottle into his and Hermione's potion.

Hermione hadn't even the chance to open her mouth and yell at him. There was a quiet 'bang' and seconds later; she and Goyle were covered in a shiny, sticky, purple substance. He shrugged sheepishly at her. She sniffed.

---

"I'm telling you, the Surrey Snatchers are brilliant!"

"No they're not! Really, I mean, their Seeker's blind as a bat!"

"And the Cannons' Chasers are bloody wonderful? Did you even listen to the last match, Weasel?"

"No, I-"

"Can't afford a radio, Weasley? Honestly, how do you even keep up without the Wizarding Wireless Network?"

Ron sniffled. Blaise stirred the potion, smiling.

---

"Okay, now add the lizard liver,"

"Lizard liver?"

"That's what it says." Dean pointed to his parchment.

Harry looked puzzled. "But I added that two minutes ago."

"Uh..."

"Did you pay attention at all?"

"Uh..."

"Me neither."

"Well, just add whatever we have left and hope someone's cauldron explodes before Snape comes to look at it."

Harry thought that sounded like a great idea and added the blue spongy things into their cauldron. Minutes later, fate dealt them a winning hand when Malfoy's potion exploded.

---

Harry sat down between Hermione and Seamus at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. He suppressed a laugh as he looked around. Most students still had bits of potion-gone-wrong stuck in their robes or hair. He and Dean hadn't done it right, of course, but at least they avoided an explosion. They'd opted to melt Dean's cauldron instead. The only successful potions were created by Lavender and Bulstrode, and Ron and Zabini. Ron was quite happy with that fact, but Lavender didn't seem to care either way. Her eyes were still focused on Harry.

"I can't believe this. Oh, my marks will go down horribly for this. Bloody Gre- Goyle! Can't even read the bloody directions right! Bloody hell!"

"Herm, everyone screwed up," Ron tried to placate his distraught friend.

"Belt up, Weasel!" Hermione was literally shaking in her seat with rage and self-hatred. She'd never failed anything.

"Erm, you'll still be top of the class, Hermione," Harry interjected.

"Yeah," Ron added, "no one's even close to beating you... Well, maybe Malfoy."

Hermione squealed wordlessly at that. Malfoy was going to beat her? No, no, she couldn't let that happen. Harry glared at Ron for making her even more upset.

"But his potion was the worst," Ron said hurriedly, "really, even Snape wouldn't give him better marks for blowing up three tables."

"Right, right, of course. I'm fine. Fine, fine..." Hermione's eyes glazed over. "I'll just ask Professor Snape for an extra assignment to make it up. I'll spend all night in the library if I have to!"

The bushy-haired girl exited the Great Hall with a determined stride.

"She's off her trolley, you know," Seamus stated matter-of-factly.

"We know," was the reply from Hermione's best friends.

---

Hermione froze, her hand poised to knock on Snape's door. Instead, she leaned in and pressed her ear against the dark wood. She gasped. Malfoy had gotten there first.

Whiny. "I swear, Professor, Longbottom sabotaged it on purpose. I saw him dump snail shells in while I was gathering the ingredients."

Patronizing. "I see, Mr. Malfoy... Tell me, how, then, did Mr. Longbottom acquire the snail shells if you were gathering ingredients?"

Gulp. "He, erm... Granger gave them to him!"

At that, Hermione pushed open the door and growled at Malfoy.

"I most certainly did not!"

"Yes, you did! You and Weasley planned the whole thing, I heard you in the hall this morning."

"What? That's an outright lie. Professor Snape, I would never-"

"Oh, mad because I spoiled your perfect plot?"

"Ugh, yes, exactly. I spend all my spare time plotting against insignificant rodents like you."

"Did you hear that? She called me a rodent! You aren't going to let her get away with that are you?"

"Bloody ferret!"

"Grimy Mudblood!"

"Bastard!"

---

Minerva McGonagall walked down the dungeon hall, humming to herself. She had unfortunately gotten the 'Queen of Intelligence' ditty stuck in her head. Severus would surely point that out during tea. Minerva hadn't wished to give the man any ammunition at all, but he'd just pester her about her absence if she didn't show.

As she approached her colleague's office, he exited and headed off down the hall, shaking his head.

"Severus?"

He turned around. She could see his eyes were watery and his mouth was twisted into some unfathomable expression.

"Are you quite alright?"

"Y-yes," he stammered, trying to control himself.

A shriek and the sound of breaking glass came forth from the closed door. Snape whirled around and stomped off down the hall, laughing loudly. McGonagall raised a delicate eyebrow and cautiously opened the Potion Master's door. Never in all her years at Hogwarts had she ever witnessed such a pathetic excuse for a fight. Near Snape's over-turned desk stood the two top sixth year students. Granger had hold of Malfoy's ear. He let out another shriek and yanked on Granger's hair. They proceeded to slap each other a few times and shout incredibly stupid insults that consisted of things like 'Butt Muffin' and 'Skrewt-loving House Elf'. Minvera simply shut the door and left.

---

"Where's Hermione?"

Harry and Ron looked up from the floor, glanced at each other, shrugged, and replied in unison, "Dunno."

"I never saw her come in," Ginny said, sounding a bit frightened.

"She's probably in the library," Ron informed his sister.

"Ron! It's eleven o'clock. The library isn't open after nine."

"Really?" Harry asked, frowning. Cho had refused his offer of going to the Astronomy Tower because she was supposed to meet Justin Finch-Fletchly in the library to study. But that had been after nine, Harry was sure of it. "Lying bint."

"What?"

"Nothing, Ginny," Harry turned his attention back to the large pile of Chocolate Frog cards.

"We've almost got them all, Harry," Ron said excitedly, marking off their cards on a large list, "we just need Maleficent, Lathargia, and Ferdydurke. Oh, and Eunice. Have you got any of those, Gin?"

"No!"

The red-haired girl stomped away in a huff. Harry and Ron watched with little interest.

"I think Seamus has Lithographa."

"Lathargia."

"Yeah, that one."

---

"We can't fit under this, Seamus."

"Yes, we can."

Dean hefted the pilfered Invisibility Cloak over his head. His ankles stuck out from under the material.

"Hunch."

"I'm not going to hunch, Seamus."

"Hunch, Dean."

"This is a stupid idea, Seamus."

"Aw, c'mon, Dean..."

"No, Seamus."

"But, Dean-"

"No."

"Deeeeaaannn... Dean, Dean, Deany, Dean, Dean..."

"Okay!"

Seamus grinned and snuck under the cloak. Dean hunched. Seamus had wanted to get into the Slytherin dorm since fourth year, but had never found a way. The one day in six years that Harry had left his trunk unlocked; Seamus didn't hesitate to nab the much-envied Invisibility Cloak. Of course, he needed a partner in crime to complete his ultimate mission. Too bad Dean was 6'6", though. It would have been much easier traversing the halls if he'd picked a shorter companion.

---

"Ron?"

"What?" Ron mumbled, spraying forth crumbs of chocolate into Neville's sock drawer.

"Don't you think we sh-"

"Aha! Ferdydurke!" Ron grinned triumphantly, holding up Neville's card.

"Ooh, yay!" Harry clapped his hands, thoughts of Hermione's whereabouts escaping through his ears.

---

Parvati studied herself in the mirror. Her dark pleated hair reached almost to her feet. She turned to the right, then the left, contemplating how she looked in her new green undergarments.

"Ugh, green makes me look fat," Patil decided.

Lavender looked up from her book. "You said that about the purple."

"Well, purple adds a few-"

"Stone?" Brown giggled, "face it, Parv, you've let yourself go."

Parvati glared at Lavender, sprawled out in all her skinny-ness. Lavender smirked back.

"At least I don't have a lazy eye," Parvati shot.

Lavender gasped in shock. A snort escaped from their closet, followed by the door opening and someone falling to the floor. Lavender and Parvati tried to cover themselves as Neville drug himself up from the floor.

"Pervert!"

"I, uh... I, I, I... Erm... You're not fat!"

"Oh, Neville, how sweet."

"Parvati! He was... peeping!"

Neville ignored the blonde and gathered his courage. "Would you, um, g-go to Hogsmeade with me t-, urh, tomorrow, P-Parvati?"

"Of course I will," Parvati grinned, "I've wanted you to ask me for so long, Neville."

"R-really?"

"Get out, damn it!" Lavender pushed the spying rat out the door.

---

"Sing it for me... Please?"

"Oh, i-it's embarrassing... I-I couldn't..."

"I'm sure it's brilliant, Hermi."

Hermione smiled nervously. "O-okay. There's a dance I made up too. It's kind of like the Robot, but... um... not."

The brunette stood up and started her performance.

"I know everything there is to know about everything there is.

At Charms, I am quite charming; at Arithmancy, I'm a whiz.

Nothing is illogical because all of it makes sense;

Well, to me, at least. I'm the Queen of Intelligence.

I create perfect Potions. I'm a conjuring sensation.

I receive top marks for each transfiguration.

If you can't tame a flobberworm, you're obviously dense.

Watch me do it easily. I'm the Queen of Intelligence."

Here, the not-quite-Robot turned into a bizarre break dancing frenzy, complete with many suggestive gyrations. Hermione rapped away, getting down with her bad self.

"Who's the Queen? I'm the Queen.

I'm lean and I'm mean. Dig my scene.

Yeah, I'm down with learning.

Join me if you're yearning

To reach a higher level.

I'll take you up several

'Cause I'm the Queen. Yeah, yeah.

Give it up, yo!

Uh, uh, uh.

I said, I know all there is to know, don't you see?

If you need help with any questions, you can just ask me.

I'll pound it into your thick skull until it all cements.

I can do it, really. I'm the Queen of Intelligence."

---

Dean and Seamus wandered the halls of the dungeon. Seamus hadn't thought his 'ultimate mission' through very well. Neither he nor Dean had any inkling of where the Slytherin Common Room was located.

"Let's just go back, Seamus."

"No, no, we're so close!" the manic boy squeaked, eyes alight with a maniacal glow.

"Seamus, how many Sugar Quills did you have today?"

"I need them, Deany!"

"Stop calling me Deany, you mal-adjusted Leprechaun."

Seamus fished in his robes for another Sugar Quill. Dean grabbed it before Seamus could get it to his mouth. Seamus made a shrill 'need sugar now!' noise and tried to snatch it back. Dean held the candy aloft, out of Seamus's reach.

"My preciousss..."

"Shut up, Seamus," Dean hissed, catching sight of Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris slinking around the corner.

---

"I can't find Seamus," Harry proclaimed, rejoining Ron in the boys' dormitory.

"Doesn't matter," Ron grinned, "Dennis had Lathargia."

Harry snatched the card from Ron's hand.

"Dennis let you have it?" Harry was suprised. The Creevey brothers tended to keep every card they got, even if they had two of them.

"Nope."

"Bad Ron. Let's go see if the girls have any. Parvati eats as many Chocolate Frogs as Neville."

The boys headed down the stairs, then back up on the girls' side. Harry knocked on the heavy door. After much rustling, Lavender poked her head out.

"Hey," Harry waved, "can we look through your chocolate frog cards?"

Lavender shut the door. More rustling was heard. Parvati appeared in her underwear, the folds of her skin hanging. She handed Ron a large box full of cards and shut the door once more. Harry and Ron stood there a minute, sort of dazed by Parvati's display of skin.

"Come on," Ron stated. He and Harry made their way back to the boys' dorm and started their search for the elusive 'Maleficent' and 'Eunice'.

---

"Nothing here, my pet," Filch announced to Mrs. Norris.

Mrs. Norris didn't seem to agree with him, though. She glared evilly at the invisible boys. Dean dropped the Sugar Quill in fright. Mrs. Norris licked at the sweet, then Dean's boot, as if telling them she wasn't going to snitch. Norris snatched up the quill and trotted off down the hall. Filch followed.

"That was close. We're going back now, Seamus."

"But, Dean," Seamus started to protest.

Millicent Bulstrode and Vincent Crabbe exited a panel right in front of them.

That explained why the Gryffindors couldn't find the entrance. The Slytherin passage was just a randomly chosen section of wall. Seamus and Dean slipped into the room before the panel slid shut again. The Slytherin room wasn't as evil-looking as Seamus expected. In fact, it wasn't even decorated with their colors, but a light blue with fluffy clouds on the walls. Dean snickered at the sight.

"Who's there?" Blaise Zabini looked up from the dragon-shaped couch.

Seamus pulled off the Invisibility Cloak.

"'Tis us, the mighty Gryffindors, and we have infiltrated your secret hideout!"

Dean raised an eyebrow at his midget friend. "That was your big mission?"

"No, you eedjet, it's to take a pair of Parkinson's undies."

Blaise snickered at the use of the word 'undies'. Honestly, Seamus was sixteen; he could have come up with a less juvenile word.

"She's in the bathroom," Zabini pointed to the door, "if you hurry, you can steal the ones she was wearing before she gets out of the shower."

Seamus scampered into the bathroom. Dean stood there awkwardly, silently vowing to never let Seamus get his way ever again. Blaise motioned to the couch. Dean moseyed over and plunked himself down.

"Want to play chess?"

Dean shrugged. Blaise took that as a 'yes' and got out the board.

---

"It's hot in here," Goyle announced, removing his robes.

"Mmm," Hermione nodded in agreement and discarded hers as well.

"So, what does the Queen wish to do tonight?"

Hermione smiled. "Oh, I don't know... Maybe Sir Gregory could save her from the evil Sorcerer Draconis?"

"Again?"

"I like that one." Hermione gave Goyle a pouty look. "He did call me a Mudblood today after all."

"Aw, poor Hermi." He drew her into an embrace. "I'll beat him up tomorrow."

"Thank you, sweetums," she smiled, tugging at Gregory's tie.

---

"Ugh!"

Ron had looked through 376 cards himself and found no 'Maleficent's or 'Eunice's. Harry hadn't had any luck either. A large pile of cards sat in front of him as well.

"This is getting boring, Ron."

"Yeah."

"Let's go find Hermione."

"Yeah."

---

Colin Creevey sat his wordy ode to Harry Potter down. It was perfect. Colin had been spying on Harry for months and had all the juicy tid-bits in there. He made Harry's home life sound much more tragic than in actuality. After all, everyone loved reading about people over-coming tragedy and becoming heroes. Creevey had turned Harry's unsuccessful attempts to get Cho to the Astronomy Tower into, well, pretty much trashy sex scandals involving Sybil Trelawney and Ginny Weasley. Ginny insisted that he put her in. Colin obliged, of course, considering most of his information on Harry out of Hogwarts came from the youngest Weasley.

Colin admired his work of art. It was put together much like the Muggle yearbooks, as he had intended it to be. The pictures were of Harry's family, the Weasleys, Hermione Granger, and himself. Colin had devoted quite a bit of space for himself under the 'Harry's Best Friend' section. He had candid photographs of the Boy-Who-Lived in the shower, at Quidditch practice, eating in the Great Hall, sneaking around in Hogsmeade, and insulting Malfoy.

Harry would be proud.

"Back to work," Colin told himself and grabbed a spell book. He had to find a copying spell that didn't let the objects fade away in a certain amount of time. Tomorrow at breakfast, everyone would get a copy of 'The Great Harry Potter: Memoirs of the Boy-Who-Lived, as Dictated to Colin Creevey.'

---

Seamus crept out of the bathroom, a midnight blue g-string in hand. His mission was now completed.

"Got 'em!" he announced loudly.

Dean shoved Blaise off his lap. They had started snuggling after only a half a game of chess. Blaise had an amazing tongue. Seamus hadn't seen their display of affection, luckily. Dean knew his friend would tease him mercilessly if he found out Dean had made out with a Slytherin, let alone Blaise Zabini.

"That's great, Seamus."

"That's great, Seamus? That's all y'ave to say, Dean? My ultimate mission, which I have been plannin' for two bloody years, is final-"

"You wanted to steal Pansy's underwear for two years?"

"Yeah," Seamus said, as if it was an obvious choice for an ultimate mission.

Dean shook his head. Seamus held the underwear up to his nose, breathing in the Pansy-ness of the garment. Dean shook his head at Seamus and picked up the Invisibility Cloak from the floor. Blaise had turned a weird shade of purple.

"You okay?" Dean asked.

Blaise nodded, shoulders shaking.

"Ready t'go, Dean?"

"Yeah, sure."

The bathroom door burst open. Draco Malfoy stormed out, a fluffy blue towel wrapped around his waist. He glared at the sight of the Gryffindors. His eyes widened as he saw Seamus take another whiff of the blue g-string.

"What the bloody hell are you doing sniffing my underwear, Finnigan!?"

Blaise rolled on the couch, guffawing.

"Gah! They're yours? Gah! Ew, ew, ew!"

Seamus dropped the evil underwear and wiped his hands on Dean's robes.

"What is going on down here, Draco?" Goyle appeared on the stairs, a sour expression on his face. Malfoy had interrupted his Hermione time with his shouting.

"Yes, what are you yelling about, ferret boy?"

Seamus got a completely shocked look on his face. Both Goyle and Hermione were half dressed. Their hair was in disarray and Hermione was wearing Goyle's tie.

"You, you, you... just... w-with... Goyle! Ew, ew, ew!"

---

Harry, Ron, and Ginny sat by the fire playing with Ron's Chudley Cannons action figures. After fruitless searching, they had decided to stay up all night until Hermione came back. If she didn't show up by three, they'd wake up Professor McGonagall. Behind them, the portrait door swung open, admitting a pair of large feet.

"Dean?"

"Uh, hi, Harry."

"What are you doing with my Invisibility Cloak?"

Dean pulled the cloak off, revealing a pale, wide-eyed Seamus.

"It's a long story," was Dean's only explanation.

"Ew, ew, ew... Malfoy... g-string... I sniffed... ew, ew... Hermione..." Seamus shuddered, "Goyle... ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew!"

The Irish boy ran off upstairs as quick as he could, randomly shouting fragments of sentences. Ron made a face and looked at Dean.

"You don't want to know," Dean replied, giving Ron a look that meant he really didn't want to know.

"Uh, have you seen Hermione, by the way? Seamus said something about her," Ginny spoke up, putting the action figures away.

"She's in the Slytherin dorms with Goyle."

"Ew!" was the collective response.

"Told you you didn't want to know." Dean made his way up to bed.

---

At breakfast the next morning, no one received a copy of Colin's magnificent work. He had a copy spell all ready to perform in the morning, but when he woke up, the book was nowhere to be found. Colin threw a fit, of course, but none of his year-mates paid any attention. They long ago decided that Colin was a complete psychopath and it was best to ignore him.

One of the boys had suggested that maybe Colin hadn't written the piece at all and had just imagined the whole thing. Creevey wasn't so sure of his sanity now. Honestly, who would take an essay on Harry Potter? Colin was the only one in his dorm that thought Harry was great. The others said they'd start praising the Boy-Who-Lived once he became the Boy-Who-Vanquished-Voldemort.

So, Colin had made his way down to the Great Hall, seriously contemplating the state of his mind. Little did he know, Dennis had taken the book out of spite. He just knew Colin had taken his only Lathargia card.