A Year of Solitude

1 May 1998

I don't know what I'm going to do. I just received an owl from Hermione and Ron asking where I was and if I was okay. Before I realized what I was doing, I picked up my quill and started writing a reply. Then I stopped. Maybe I'm thinking too much, but I just don't know how I'm going to explain how I'm feeling to them if I'm not even sure myself. I'm not even sure I know how to put it into words. I'm relieved that Voldemort is finally gone, but now that I have the opportunity to live my life the way I want to live it, I have no idea how to do it.

I just wish I could decide what the hell I want to do. Part of me wants to stay where I am and sort out everything in my head, and the other part wants to pick that quill back up and tell them where I am. I want to see Hermione again, I really do. But the thought of seeing her and all that would be involved with seeing her scares me. God knows I love her, but I know she'll want to know exactly what happened with Voldemort, and I know she'll question why I felt I had to go alone. I never did tell her or Ron about the prophecy, but now I'm wishing I had at least told her. Then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to face her. She's the cleverest witch I know, and I'm sure she's figured at least part of it out.

I'm also not sure how to deal with this thing that's between us now. Is she my girlfriend? I did tell her I love her, but we never had that deep conversation about having a relationship. Truthfully, I made sure that didn't happen, because I wasn't sure that I would be coming back and I didn't want to get her hopes up like that. She was the one to tell me I had a "people-saving thing," so I guess in my own weird way, I was saving her from unnecessary heartache. You know, you can't miss what you never had.

I keep asking myself what it is I hope to accomplish by cutting myself off from everyone. Well, the answer to that question is complicated. Ideally, I want people to forget "The Boy Who Lived," because he died with Voldemort. I'm just Harry--I always have been, and that's all I want. I think Hermione is the only other person that has always seen me that way. Even Ron has had his moments where he thought I was treated different because of who I am. I can hear him now actually. "You're Harry Bloody Potter! Of course you get treated differently!" Never mind that I never asked for any of it. It's a horrible thought, but if I had my choice, I would have deferred and sent V after Neville.

Note to self: Figure all this out quickly so I stop having thoughts like that. I'd never wish anything like what I went through on anyone else, especially Neville. He's been a good friend. I have to make sure and tell him the whole story one of these days; he deserves to know, and I doubt that Dumbledore found it necessary to tell him. I can't help but wonder what life would have been like it he had been chosen. I'd probably still have my parents (maybe) and I wouldn't be here right now. But would I have had the same friends? Would I have even met Hermione or become her friend? Okay, so maybe one good thing came out of all this mess.