Narcissa Is Dead

Narcissa stares at the child lying in his cot. Her beautiful boy. Her pride and joy. Her firstborn son. He is precious to her, a sign of hope in a world of despair. She has no hope left for herself. She used to keep a tiny flame alight in her heart. A dream she could barely remember. The tiniest sliver of gold shining in her dreary life. She used to think that one day she would be free again. Now she has no hope for herself. No dream. No gold left. Her child is all that is left her. She knows what he will face. She knows what his father wants him to become. To think of this tiny innocent before her growing up to be cold and hard like Lucius would make her heart ache if she felt anything anymore. She doesn't hurt anymore. She has forgotten what it was like to feel a rush of adrenaline. How she enjoyed flying high above the ground. How much it hurt to leave Hogwarts and Lily. Somewhere out there she knows there is another child. Another firstborn son. Another baby who holds his mother's hopes and dreams and golden moments. His legacy is bigger than her Draco's though. That child had a mother who felt everything powerfully. A mother who held on till the very end. Narcissa let go long ago. She has been worn down through the years of her marriage. She was only a shade of herself on the day she gave up her last flicker of hope. Only a shadow of her former self.

She's dead. Lily is dead. James is dead too of course, but that doesn't really impact her in anyway. Lily's death however, that hits hard. Everything has been so grey recently. She has been living a half life. Looking after her son and trying to ignore whatever her husband is up to. Lily is dead. When she heard Lucius utter those words she thought she might faint away. He was talking on and on about the Dark Lord and she was nodding as she always did and then he said it. Lily is dead of course. Of course? How was it of course? Her son had survived. How had such a tiny child survived when vibrant, powerful Lily was dead? Did it matter anyway. Lily was dead. Lucius left to make his excuses to the Ministry and Narcissa went to her baby boy. Lily is dead. Narcissa is broken. Draco is the future. He must be protected. He must hold the flicker of hope that Narcissa has lost. Lily is dead.

How is she ever going to live with this man? How can she live in his cold world after the warmth of Lily. She knew she had lost Lily to that Gryffindor boy long ago of course. She had known of her impending marriage too of course. Now though it was real. Now she was faced with a cold life with a harsh husband. Now she was faced with never seeing Lily again. Even in their last year when they had barely spoken she had at least seen Lily's face. She had at least been able to bask in the warmth of Lily's smile. Now she was alone with a man as cold and hard as steel. Now she was left with memories that faded. She tried to remember Lily's smile. She tried to recall the sound of Lily's voice. She tried to recreate the texture of Lily's hair. They were fading fast now. She had to be a perfect wife now. Narcissa Malfoy could not feel. Narcissa Malfoy must keep her face immobile and cold. Narcissa Malfoy was even more trapped than Narcissa Black had been. She composed herself. Put a sneer on her face. Took the pain out of her eyes. Removed all traces of the girl she had hoped to be and walked into her new life. Under the ice though a flame flickered briefly.

Lily was going to leave her for James. She had expected it for a few weeks but now it was real. They had only a year left together at school and Lily was leaving her for James. Of course she doesn't say leaving her just that she is going to be with James. Narcissa wants to scream. She wants to curse that smug Gryffindor. She wants to tell her traitorous cousin exactly what she thinks of him for helping that boy steal her Lily. They were friends from the start. They were so much more. Lily had held her when Andromeda had been sent away. Narcissa had comforted Lily when Petunia had failed to send a wedding invitation. They had done each others nails and brushed each others hair. Maybe they were in different houses. Maybe Narcissa had to keep up the appearance of hating all Gryffindors but they were outside of all that. Narcissa raged inside. She ached and she hurt and she wanted to smash something. She wanted to fly as fast and as high as she could to escape but she didn't. She swallowed. She smiled. She wished Lily well. She said they'd still see each other. She never shone as brightly again though.

On the train they had nearly run into each other. Lily had been scared and Narcissa had been comforting. Lily had been muted and Narcissa bright. They had been drawn to each other from the very first. Two scared girls. Two girls who both wanted to escape from their sisters. They had giggled and joked and they had clung to each other in the boats when the Squid appeared. Even separated by the Sorting Hat they had stayed together as friends. Narcissa loved the way Lily seemed to have a fire alight inside her. It shone out of her eyes. It warmed her smile. It flickered in her hair. Narcissa knew she too shone but her light was as pale as the moon. It flickered whenever she thought of home or the future. Together though they lit up the sky. Together they were so bright. So full of plans. So full of light. The world was full of hope when Lily was there.

One day Draco will be free of this harsh, cold world. Narcissa has carefully planned for him. She has looked out for her son. Taught him all he needs to escape his father and his future. She has kept her icy coolness. She is frozen through by now. Draco has no idea he is being prepared for a betrayal. He is drawn to Harry by hatred and never suspects the light that Narcissa has hidden inside him. One day Draco will understand who he is following and he will go to Harry. To the one who holds the matching light. Narcissa does not hope for this day. She does not dream of her son at Harry's side. She does not imagine their friendship. She has never thought of the golden days of peace that might follow their victory. Narcissa is dead inside. Her actions are those of an automaton. She has nothing to give. Her world is dark now. She cannot see a way out. She does not look for a way out. She is drowning in a world of despair without a murmur. Draco holds her flame of life. Harry lives because of Lily's donation of hers. She is a shadow now. A ghost. Her time passed long ago. Narcissa is dead.