Tiny Vessels

Tiny Vessels

this is the moment that you know
that you told you loved her but you don't.
you touch her skin and then you think
that she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me

I barged into my room, slamming the door against the wall, and threw my jacket onto the floor. I had to break something; I had to break everything. I pulled off a shoe and chucked it at my dresser, knocking over a few objects I could care less about at the moment. I clutched at my hair, attempting to ruin the façade of composure my appearance illustrated. I kicked my bookcase, punched my bed, and ripped the frames off the wall before I felt satisfied enough to allow myself to collapse onto the floor. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so disgusting?

There was a time when I thought it would be possible for me to become the person my sodding father never wanted me to be, the person I thought I was strong enough to become. But now I knew all the things the Gryffindors used to think about me were true. There was no escaping who I was at this point. I was a liar. I was a goddamn liar.

Visions of what I had done bounced around in my head painfully. I made her believe that I was what she wanted me to be. I made her believe I was some kind of fucking Harry Potter. But I wasn't. I was Draco bloody Malfoy and I had made her forget that.

I could still smell her all over me. I could still feel the echo of her touch all over me, and it made me nauseous. I would have stabbed myself at this very moment if I thought cold steel sinking into my stomach might make me feel something. No matter what I did to her, no matter what she did to me, I never felt anything. I was an actor. I was a goddamn actor.

wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
as we moved together in the dark
and all the friends that I was telling
and all the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark

I had held her in my arms. I had taken her. All the time that I owned her, I knew that it would break her. I couldn't handle Hermione. She wanted so much more than I could give. She would have taken everything, if only she knew that I had nothing to give her. I had nothing to give anyone. Hermione must have known that if she let me do this, I would own her and I would take something away from her that she could never, ever get back. If only she understood. If only she understood that I couldn't do it. Why did she have to fucking look at me like that; her eyes all calm and trusting. Didn't she understand that I can't look at anyone like that? Bloody Gryffindor...

tiny vessels oozed into your neck
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade
but they did and so did I that day

You never deserved it. I never deserved you either. If you thought it meant something to me it didn't! I won't be some bloody martyr for you Hermione! I won't be your fucking triumph over evil. And now it's over. You'll go, and if we're lucky, we'll never meet again. I will never miss you. How can I miss you? I could only miss you if I loved you. I never loved you. I never goddamn loved you...

all I see are dark grey clouds
in the distance moving closer with every hour
so when you ask "was something wrong?"
then I think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
no, we can't talk about it now."

Can't you just forget that it happened? We aren't meant to be with each other, because it doesn't make any fucking sense. You may be gullible, and I may be a liar, but that doesn't change the fact that you need to leave. You need to leave my thoughts and my head, and my clothes, and my skin, and my bloody apartment. Damnit, why does my bloody head hurt so fucking much? I can still feel you. I never want to feel you ever again, no matter how beautiful you looked. You were beautiful. You were goddamn beautiful.

so one last touch and then you'll go
and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
but it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me