Things I Have But Could Have Done Without

When you've been without it for awhile, waking up with someone next to you is quite a treat. Especially when it's someone as lovely as the man behind me. Before I even open my eyes, I can feel the comforting heat that is Remus along the whole length of my back, and instinctively I inch backwards into him. I don't realize he's also awake until I feel his long fingers slide up the length of my arm, leaving yummy warmth in their path.

"Mmmm..." is about all I can manage, as I stretch like a cat. It's early; too early. Not even completely light yet. I'm exhausted, but I feel more content than I have in long time. Rolling over to face him, I snuggle back under the blankets and weave my arms and legs back into his. Burrow my head into the soft hair on his chest. Heaven. This room is cold now that the fire's died.

Disheveled is a look that suits Remus; you wouldn't think that, I know. But he looks so damn good as he considers me through his sleepy eyes and mussed up hair. And when he mumbles, "...hullo..." in a croaky morning voice, and plants a kiss on the top of my head, I think he's heartbreakingly handsome. In fact, I feel all gooey, like some silly teenager.

So it's no surprise that I find myself impulsively curving into him, wanting to be even closer. In what I hope is a subtle way, I slide my palm across his bare hip and then lower, bringing it to rest on his bum. My head still against his chest, I feel, rather than hear, a long low growl come from the depths of him. Okay, so maybe I wasn't so subtle.

But before I can do anything else shameless, the way he seems to inspire me to behave, he bends down and meets my lips with his own. And, oh... it's amazing, the way he makes me feel. His lips cover mine in a way that's both gentle and strong, possessive yet admiring. All at once I feel a bit dizzy and thankful that I'm already lying down.

I could kiss him all morning. You know, I'm planning to kiss him all morning. I shift up on one elbow, raising myself above him without breaking the kiss. His large hands grasp my hips they way did last night and I feel a shiver all the way down my spine. But just as I begin to move above him, something shifts unexpectedly. There is suddenly hesitation. I sense it even before he stops kissing me. And then he does stop kissing me, albeit reluctantly. Which is something, I suppose.

"What is it?" I ask.

He raises one long finger and traces my lower lip as he speaks. "Tonks, this is ... fantastic. I can't even wrap my head around how wonderful you feel." As if demonstrating his point, I notice that his other hand hasn't stopped traveling along the length of my hip and thigh. "But ... I think perhaps we should talk about what happened here last night. What's happening here now. Before we get carried away again."

Here we go. Damn, I knew it.

"Oh, bugger," I complain, rolling back onto my back in a huff. I don't even attempt to hide my dissatisfaction.

He grins at my impatience, even though nervous apprehension is emanating from him unmistakably. I can see where this is going, and I curse myself inwardly for expecting anything different. I knew even last night that he'd just end up retreating again. I bloody well knew he'd never let himself get away with actual enjoyment. Shite.

As I watch him retrieve his wand and relight the fire, the auror in my head clicks into action. I begin to assess the situation and size up my next move. The reality is, I felt things for Remus last night that went way beyond the boundaries of friendship. Things that I'm not willing to fully define, even to myself. And the kicker is, I'm pretty sure he did, too. But it's clear that the line we crossed has him about to run for the hills.

The bottom line is that I can't risk him pushing me away entirely. I've seen the way he skirts Emmeline at Order meetings lately; if I were to be relegated to that category in his life, I would die. Beyond all else, I need the security he offers me as a friend. He and Sirius and I, we have become a ... a unit of some sort. And the connection we've established grounds me - it is perhaps the only thing that is grounding me right now.

I have but one option here, one move open to me if I want to hold onto whatever closeness we've achieved. Even if it's not exactly what I was hoping for, it's still better than nothing.

And that option is to lighten things up considerably.

"Hell, Remus. Can't you let a girl enjoy the afterglow before you get all serious?"

"Tonks, I just want us to keep being honest with each other. You know how important you are to me. This ... situation ... could be... the last thing I want is..."

"Good Lord, Remus, Is this the talk you had with Emmeline last month?"

He winces, and says quietly, "I never slept with her. You know that. But, yes, it went something like this."

"Remus, relax. I don't expect anything from you. You've made me no promises and I know I was upset last night but ...well, I still knew exactly what I was doing."

"Still, I shouldn't have ..."

I can't help but laugh out loud. "You shouldn't have? Remus, were you here? I seem to recall some rather aggressive persuasion on my part."

He chuckles with me, adding, "Persuasion? Surely you mean begging." He dodges my playful smack and buries his face in my neck, and I relish the renewed closeness. Still, I feel cautious about how to proceed.

"Remus." He pulls back and looks at me skeptically, waiting for me to continue. "I'm only going to say this once. Whether or not we're shagging, were friends first. I can't do without our friendship."

"You'll never be without that." In spite of himself, he reaches up and touches my cheek. I'm not entirely sure what we just settled, and what the rules are now between us, but before I lose my nerve I lean forward and press my lips to his cheek. Inhaling deeply, I try to imprint the feel and smell of him on my memory, since there's still a lingering possibility that this is the closest he might let me get from now on.

And then I risk it. I need to know.

He's watching me, and it seems he's waiting for me to do something. So I do. I look him in the eyes, and lean forward once again to recapture his lips. And, thank Merlin, he responds readily.

The groan that escapes his lips is unbelievably tempting. And it's incredibly satisfying, after all these months, to have clear evidence of his desire when only yesterday his feelings were a complete mystery. It's such a turn-on to feel how much he wants me too.

"Can we do this?" he asks me quietly, leaning back just a bit to meet my eyes. I don't think he's just talking about this morning. At least I hope he's not. It seems he's asking two questions. So I give him two answers.

"We can do whatever you want," I offer, with a duplicity that mirrors his. I want so much more with him... and I feel like I could be really good at making him happy somehow, but how can I possibly convey that without bringing any more pressure to the table? Let him guide the process, that's how. Which is fine by me, I think, as he finally takes command and pulls me on top of him.

I can feel his body responding, and he kisses me more deeply than he has so far this morning, sliding both of his hands all the way down my back, over my arse, until he reaches the very top of the back of my thighs. Precariously close to source of the ever-increasing ache I'm feeling, but not close enough.

Pausing between kisses he mutters, "I'm sorry if I've made things awkward. I don't want to give you the impression that I regret - "

Rolling my eyes at his need to be so damn considerate, I put two fingers to his lips. "Shut it, Remus. I don't want you to apologize to me anymore."

"Really?" he asks, with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. And then he surprises me by grasping the undersides of my thighs and pulling them apart, which serves to pull our hips and pelvises into close contact. "What do you want me to do to you?" Aha. Now we're getting somewhere.

He is smirking at my expression, which I assume may be one of surprise.

"I think you'll come up with something," I say, doing my best to keep up the banter, but finding it nearly impossible to concentrate on anything except the feel of his erection against my already wet center.

But I don't have long to wonder at the feeling of him, because before I know what's happening he deftly grabs me around the waist, lifts me up and then lowers me onto my back. My surprised gasp is smothered by his mouth as it crashes down on mine, and then transformed into a full moan as he slides his hand down my belly, and further, to my folds, and then finally, touches me there. Expertly, he finds just the right spots, and employs the perfect technique of alternating between applied pressure and barely touching. Remus is no novice at this, to be sure.

My eyes flutter shut at the feel of his warm fingers, but not before I catch a glimpse of him lowering his face to my breast. However, he chooses not put his mouth to me like I expect, but instead turns and lightly chafes the rough stubble of his cheek against my nipple. The sensation is soft and coarse at the same time, and even a bit painful, in the most fantastic and erotic way. I swear, by itself it could finish me. Just as I'm savoring it, his hand that is not between my legs finds my other breast, and he rolls my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. I cry out with how wonderful it all feels, and try at once to reach for him, but he resists my efforts, stills my hands. "Please," he murmurs against my neck, "let me just touch you."

"yes ..." is really all I can say, in between whimpering, as my brain is lost somewhere in its efforts to process all the sensory information being thrown at it. I feel as if I am all body, one giant throbbing nerve that feels only pleasure.

Just as I think I can't stand any more, he deliberately slows his ministrations and pulls away just slightly, causing me to open my eyes in protest. But he is smiling at me. Checking in, making eye contact, connecting. Not planning to stop, as I had feared. I take a deep breath and reach up to cup his cheek with my hand.

Shuddering, I say, "Remus, if you are even considering not finishing this, I will hex you."

He moans audibly, and brings his mouth to mine for a searing kiss that literally takes my breath away. And then he resumes stroking me and touching me, immediately setting a pace that threatens to throw me over the edge if he continues. Breathing heavily, he pulls his face back just far enough to keep his eyes on mine, watching my reactions closely for signals. I can feel myself going tense, every muscle flexed to its limits in the anticipation of release. Floundering, I scramble for something to hold onto, and find purchase on his arms and back. His hands are seemingly everywhere at once, between my legs, all over my breasts, but his face remains here near mine, smiling and whispering, encouraging me to come undone completely.

"Are you close?" he murmurs, and the raw emotion in his voice is enough to send me hurtling over the edge. Finally, I let go and writhe in bliss as my climax overtakes me. I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes in reaction to the sheer perfection of it.

Holding my limp body close to his own, he just smiles, and gently finds my lips. I can barely keep my eyes open I'm so utterly spent.

"Thank you," I muster in a breathy and barely audible voice. "You make me feel wonderful."

"Are you kidding? That was completely selfish on my part. I'll be relishing that memory for ages..." he laughs. It's so nice to see him laughing.

I smile, and realize that I really do need more sleep. Despite my guilt at how one-sided the lovemaking was, I am unable to resist when he curls his body around mine and snuggles me to him, in a gesture obviously intended to comfort me to sleep. And I surrender to it.

++++++++++++

Later, I wake to find Remus already out of bed and dressed, which for some reason leaves me a bit bereft. Am I that attached to him already? Best not to think on that, I suppose ...

"Hi," he says, coming over and sitting down next to me on the bed. "I was just about to wake you."

"Leaving already?" I lean into his hand as he strokes my hair from my face.

"Soon. I have some things to pick up in Diagon today, and I'm on duty later..." When he trails off, I turn back to meet his eyes. He's just looking at me, two fingers rubbing his brow in concentration. Then all at once, he leans down and wraps his arms around me. I scramble to sit up, meet his embrace. I feel him sigh into my neck, and it's a tremendous relief to know that he's as overwhelmed by all of this as me. But neither of us says anything on the subject. It doesn't really seem necessary at the moment.

Trying my level best to appear like I am a mature self-sufficient witch, and not an infatuated schoolgirl, I say offhandedly, "I have to report to the department medi-witch today for a follow-up on the injury. If she gives me the all-clear, I can start back to work day after Boxing Day."

"Oh. Great, that's good." He seems glad for the change of topic.

I do actually need to get out of here if I'm going to make it home to freshen up before the appointment. Problem is, since the Weasleys are staying at Number Twelve through their hols, Remus and I won't be sleeping there, and I can't for the life of me seem to think of any excuse to see him again before the next Order meeting. Five days from now. May as well be three years.

Unless I ask to see him. And I don't want to press. Not just yet. I'd really like to leave it to him for now. I try unsuccessfully to think of something to say as I rise to begin changing. But he saves me the trouble.

"I'm on Guard Duty overnight tonight, but maybe I'll run into you at Grimmauld Place tomorrow sometime. Christmas Eve? Thought I'd look in on Sirius, see everyone. Molly extended the invitation to us all for dinner."

"Sure," I say, producing a genuine smile despite my nervousness. "Christmas Eve. I'll likely stop by."

After we've both dressed, we make our goodbyes again. Remus pulls me into his arms one last time, kisses my temple, and says, "Thank you. Last night, this morning ... just amazing."

"You're amazing, Remus."

And, just like that, we head out for our respective commitments. Stepping outside the Leaky Cauldron, I pause in the doorway for a minute. My breath catches in my throat at the temperature change; the air is cold and smells like snow. Looking up at the attic window, I think about what's transpired here in just a short space of time. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I don't regret it. Not for a minute. I hope he doesn't either.

+++++++

I can hear the distant songs of a caroling group about a block away, as I walk from the apparition point in the park to the front door of Grimmauld Place on Christmas Eve.

My emotions are all over the place tonight. I'm happy as hell for Sirius that he's got Harry here for Christmas, but I'd be fooling myself if I didn't admit that I'm a bit jealous. As of a couple of weeks ago, I was looking forward to having a quiet Christmas Eve here with Remus and Sirius, getting pissed. Now I have to share. It's selfish, I know, but I can't help it.

And then there is the rapidly growing knot of worry in my gut about seeing Remus. Will he be standoffish? Will he have told Sirius? Will Sirius guess on his own? It will be awkward to be so near to him around so many other people. A small part of me is hoping that maybe with it being Christmas and all, Remus might ... I don't know. Even if we don't have what we had yesterday, it would be awfully nice to just be able to be close to him. And be merry. He's so bloody warm, and it's a frosty night.

"Marjoribanks," I mutter to the door, as it creaks open heavily, and I am followed into the foyer by a strong gust of wind. No one is there to greet me, but I can hear the sound of merriment coming from the parlour, punctuated by the sounds of the twins' obnoxious singing and Ginny's giggling. I poke my head in the room, and notice that neither of the men I'm looking for is there.

"Happy Christmas, you lot," I offer to the kids instead.

"Happy Christmas, Tonks," they answer in a very unsynchronized way, as they are all quite preoccupied with their decorating and high spirits. I must admit it's nice to see this old house so alive.

"Hello, Tonks," says Hermione, approaching me with what looks to be a mug of mulled cider in her hands. I've got to locate the rest of that; my hands are freezing.

"Wotcher, Hermione. I didn't know you were here for the hols."

"Well, I wasn't supposed to be, but ..."

"You were worried about Harry?"

"Harry?" she says vaguely, even though she is looking right at him. And Ron. Oh, right. I can't help but smile.

"He's feeling more himself tonight, I see." Harry actually does look a million times better, laughing along with the others without reserve.

"Who?" asks Hermione. Oh, crikey. She's got it bad. It's endearing, really, to see uptight Hermione all befuddled about a lad. I remember those days.

Wait, who am I kidding? It's been longer than I care to remember since I was her age, and there's a man expected here tonight who has me quite befuddled. Which reminds me...

"Hermione, have you seen Sirius?" And when I say 'Sirius,' what I really mean is 'Remus'?

"Oh, yes. He went upstairs to check in on Buckbeak before we start dinner, I think. Sometime ago, actually. Professor Lupin was with him." And there it is, thank you very much.

"Cheers, Hermione. I'll go fetch them." It's all I can do not to sprint up the three flights of stairs to the box room where Buckbeak has been keeping. Upon reaching the second landing, though, I slow down, realizing I haven't a bloody clue what I'm going to say or do when I open that door.

It's not like I haven't thought about it. I've thought of nothing else for the last 36 hours, actually, other than how this next encounter will play out...

'Wotcher, Remus, thanks for the shag yesterday. It was a lark!'

'Hi Remus. Listen, sorry I fairly threw myself at you at the Leaky. Won't let it happen again'.

'Happy Christmas, Remus. I know I said friendship first and all, but you know what? I think I'm obsessed with you. So, how was your Order shift?'

Honestly, without knowing what Remus is thinking, it's hard to come up with any sort of a plan. I'll just try to suss out his comfort level with the situation. Try to get a read on him and then follow his lead. Okay, here we are ... second on the left ... deep breaths ...

Reaching for the door handle, Sirius's howl of laughter startles me, and I withdraw my hand as if it's been burned. I can hear his loud voice clear as day through the door.

"You slept with her?!"

What?! I clap my hand to my mouth to contain my gasp, unable to comprehend what I'm overhearing. A sudden adrenaline rush makes my knees a bit on the wobbly side.

"Good on you, Moony! You scoundrel! I underestimated you..." Despite my stunned surprise, I can't help but smile at Sirius's reaction. I knew he'd be in favor of ...

"Sirius, I beg you. Please don't make her feel uncomfortable about this. She's had a tough week. It was nothing ... just two friends comforting each other. ..."

Nothing. In spite of what I told him yesterday, and even though I know he doesn't mean it literally, the word still feels like a dagger in my chest. Suddenly it's hard to breathe.

But Sirius is not convinced. In fact, he's still laughing. "Gah! You really expect me to believe that?"

Undeterred, Remus answers, "Yes, I do. I'm trying to handle it as delicately as possible. Don't you think the situation calls for some caution?" How can he be so bloody logical about the whole thing? Maddening, that is.

Sirius's reaction parallels mine. "Caution?!... It's sex, Remus, not ruddy potion-making. You didn't think twice about caution when you put your hands on her, did you, friend?"

"Of course I did! But hell, Sirius, I'm only human. Besides, where do you come off pretending to be the protector here? You would have done the same thing in my shoes ..."

"Too right I would! But I also wouldn't be lying to myself about it afterwards."

"How do you mean?" asks an indignant Remus.

"Oh, come on. Do you really expect me to believe this whole 'friends' thing? You've got feelings for her. Who do you think you're fooling?" Oh, thank you, Sirius. A million times, thank you for saying that.

Then Remus says, more quietly, "I just can't go down that road. You know I can't. Especially with her."

"Because you care about her?"

"Because she deserves so much more than the likes of me. I don't want to be a distraction for her. She could have anyone. Can't you see how remarkable she is?" I really shouldn't be listening to this. I should go, or else make my presence known. But my legs are suddenly made of lead and I couldn't move if I tried.

"Moony, you don't have to sing her praises to me. She won me over first time we met. Hell, I'd have gone mad if it weren't for the two of you with me over these last few months."

"Exactly ... she's like a ray of light in this dreary house, in our wretched lives. I should just be satisfied for that much. I couldn't live with myself if I were to spoil that innocence and grace." Oh, Remus.

Sirius's snort is followed by, "Pretty little thing, but I'd never use the word grace to describe my cousin." Cheers, Sirius!

I can hear the laughter in Remus' voice. "I meant inner grace, Sirius. Everything about her is rooted in some sort of stubborn optimism. It just amazes me. No matter how dark things get for us, and hell, even when she gets discouraged, she still perceives the world as a fundamentally good place. If I were to get close to her - "

"If? Damn it, Remus, you're already close to her. Don't you see the irony here?"

"Irony?"

"You think you're putting her on a pedestal, but really you're just underestimating her."

"I don't think - "

"Yes, you are. You don't think she can fully appreciate the scope of your situation, so you won't even give her a chance to try."

Remus didn't say anything after that. Or maybe he did, but as am already on my way down the stairs, I may have missed it. I've heard enough. Enough to process for one evening.

Suddenly I'm filled with anxiety at the prospect of seeing him again, at least in front of everyone. And facing Sirius, knowing what he knows. I need some air. Miraculously, I reach the bottom of the stairs without losing my footing, just as Molly comes out of the kitchen door. Looks like I'm not going anywhere.

"Tonks! Happy Christmas, dear!" she says, pulling me into a rather tight clinch.

"Happy Christmas, Molly," I respond. "Need help with dinner, then?"

"Not a bit of it! It's all ready. I was just coming to call everyone." She brushes past me on into the parlour, to round up the assorted revelers.

I'm debating whether to head straight into the dining room, or into the kitchen first to fix myself a good stiff drink, when I catch a glimpse of Sirius and Remus descending the staircase I traveled moments ago. In a moment of irrational panic, I turn my head away from them toward the parlour, as if I haven't noticed them at all.

Naturally, Sirius is the first to acknowledge me. "Tonks! You're here! Happy Christmas." He spins me around and gives me a huge hug, and then an exaggerated look up and down, before pronouncing, "You look well." And as expected, he shoots a sidelong glance at Remus. Good grief.

Remus casts a half-hearted glare at Sirius before turning back to meet my eyes with an unspoken apology in his own. But I realize when the corner of his mouth turns up just slightly, the apology is for Sirius, not himself. Then, to my surprise, he steps forward and embraces me as well. More tenderly than Sirius, and more intimately as well. One hand is on my lower back and the other is on the back of my head, which I don't hesitate to burrow into his neck. Our bodies are close; it's not an embrace between friends.

"Happy Christmas," he whispers, as I notice Sirius leaving us.

I look up into his face and am relieved to see the same open man I left yesterday morning, not the closed-off one I was afraid to find tonight. The moment is broken, however, when the others come barging in noisily on their way to the dining room, led by Sirius. Remus hastily pulls away from me, and with a parting smile makes his way to the table as well.

The meal is delicious, as usual, and the mood is cheerful. Although I'm sure the Weasleys are missing Arthur's absence at the holiday feast, the mood is light as he is out of danger and will be coming home in another day or two.

The twins are on about some scheme or another, and Harry and Ron seem to think it's hilarious, as does Sirius. That's a shocker. I can honestly say I'm not hearing much of it, distracted as I am by my current occupation. I'm trying to notice whether Remus is looking at me, without, of course, being noticed by him or anyone else as I do it. The absurdity and immaturity of it is not lost on me, but still I can't stop myself. Every once in a while I catch Sirius's eye and he gives me a slight wink. Shut up winking.

After dinner we retreat to the parlour. Unfortunately, Remus are Sirius are recruited by Molly to help clear, so I curl up on the settee next to Ginny and try to my best to listen as she tells me about some boy at school she rates. Darren, or Dean, or something. After a bit, just as she gets up to engage in a game of exploding snap with George, Sirius come back into the room and replaces her at my side. Feeling strangely contented, I smile and cuddle up next to him and he puts his arm around me as well.

"Are you going to ask me?" he whispers.

"What's that?" I ask, knowing full well what he's up to.

"Get out of it, Tonks. You know I know." Am I blushing?

"Okay, fine. Not that I care," I tease, "but since you brought it up, what do you think?" Trying not to be too obvious, I steal surreptitious glances at the doorway over his shoulder, waiting for another arrival.

"I think it's cracking. And I told him so." I know.

"Thanks, Sirius. Really. But right now, it's just, you know ... sort of up in the air."

"I know. Be patient with him. He doesn't allow himself much, yeah?" I nod, feeling a sudden rush of affection for this cousin I've only recently gotten to know so well. It's strange to see Sirius so, well... serious. And concerned. Maybe it's Christmas. Or maybe having Harry here brings out the best in him. Just as this occurs to me, as if on cue, Harry looks over at us and smiles. And as I observe this little moment, a hand on my shoulder startles me.

"Tonks?" Remus asks, exchanging an amused look with Sirius over my jumpiness. Sirius smirks at me and gets up to join Harry and Ron on the other side of the room, leaving Remus to join me on the settee.

"I have to go soon," I say, and then immediately regret choosing this as my opening, worried that he'll think I'm fleeing or something.

"Oh?" Is he disappointed?

"Yeah, I've promised my mum I'd stay with them tonight. She was going on about how we haven't had a proper Christmas the last couple of years. I've had to work, as the rookies always get assigned the holidays ..."

I'm rambling, I know, but he doesn't seem to mind. His arm is across the back of the settee and it would be awfully easy to just snuggle up to him the way I would have done a week ago, or the way I did with Sirius just now. But I'm nervous. Or is it excited? Why is everything so complicated all of a sudden? I'm glad, in a way, that we are in this room full of people. It prevents me from doing something unwise. Such as leaping on him and shagging him within an inch of his life.

Much too soon, I hear goodnights being spoken, and I realize I should probably get going as well. Remus stands as I do.

"You at the Leaky again tonight?" I ask.

"Actually, I'm staying here tonight. I'm escorting the Weasleys back to St. Mungo's sometime tomorrow, so Molly insisted I stay on."

"Right. Well, then. I'm off to my Mum and Dad's. See you at the meeting, I guess, yeah? Friday?"

"Oh." He looks confused. Have I said something? "Okay, then. Friday."

"Goodnight, Remus." How the hell do I get out of here? What's appropriate in this situation?

"Goodnight. Happy Christmas," he says again. Neither of us seems to know what to do next, so I smile and head for the front hall to gather my cloak, giving Sirius a yell and a wave as I do. When I turn back around, I see Remus already heading up the staircase. But not before he turns and gives me a small nod and a smile over his shoulder.

Which is nice.