My Happy Ending

"My Happy Ending"

"You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending"

The clock had just stroked midnight when I rushed out of the Common Room. I felt my heart racing as I ran down the marble staircase, wrapping my dressing gown around myself. My bare feet made a muffled slapping sound as I crossed the Entrance Hall to the door leading to the dungeons. We didn't usually see each other on weeknights, but I knew there was no way around it. The dungeon corridor was dimly lit and devoid of any source of heat. I clutched my robe closer to my body, but it did nothing. It was nearing the end of winter, and I was freezing in my flimsy nightgown and bare feet. The hallway was long and felt like a refrigerator; I considered turning around and climbing back into my warm four-poster bed in Gryffindor tower.

No, I have to see him tonight, I thought to myself. I didn't understand my own mind, but I followed my thoughts and continued down the corridor. I had just climbed into bed when something inside my erupted: something told me to talk to him. It was nothing like desire--though I had been urged out of bed by my fantasies on more than one occasion, and he was always willing--no, this time it was more like worry.

I picked up my pace, my feet numbing on the frozen stone floor. When I reached the door, I hesitated before knocking softly. It wasn't just any knock, it was a special knock. I heard the lock click open and pushed the door open. The room was dark and empty. I walked to the door inside and whispered the password he had given me. This, too, was dark and empty, but in the far corner I saw a light coming from under the door leading to his bedroom. It was a secret door, a hidden entrance to his private chambers. I knocked softly with a shivering fist. I heard a rustling inside and the door opened silently.

"Hermione?" he asked as he straightened up. "Are you okay? It's late. You should be asleep."

"I know, but I needed to see you," I muttered, edging toward the fireplace to thaw out. I watched him grab something on his bed and throw it into the flames. My mind immediately recognized the burning thing. I felt tears spring to my eyes and suddenly knew why I was brought here by my own foreboding. "Severus, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" he spat coldly.

"It looks like you're burning the pictures of me...and us," I said with a shaking voice. "Why?"

He gave up burning the pictures one at a time. Instead he picked up the box filled with things I didn't even know he had: memories of us. Before I could register what he was doing, the box was being eaten by the flames of the fire at my feet. Instantly, my heart broke in two. It didn't just break, it tore. I clutched my chest as I felt my heart and soul rip painfully into pieces. I could almost feel the crimson flow of my memories pour out of my body. My eyes were glued to the floor; I couldn't bear to look at him. I watched the stone beneath my feet stain dark with my tears. My breathing was labored beneath my broken heart. I felt the world fall onto my shoulders, a broken mess.

We hadn't been together very long, but long enough to know that I was in love. Alright, so I was only seventeen, but I knew how I felt. I'd never had these feelings before. It was something I couldn't ignore, something I couldn't hide. The feelings felt foreign to me, but I realized after a while that they were always inside me...just disguised. From the moment I stepped into his class, I admired Severus Snape. He was a brilliant Potions Master. I recognized and was amazed by his knowledge and talent. I felt honored to be his student. It was this year that those feelings of respect took on a different form.

Seventh year began just as I had expected. I received my letter announcing that I was Head Girl, and I sported my badge proudly from the moment I wore my robes on the Hogwarts Express September first. Then things changed. Actually, they changed the moment I entered Hogwarts. After that, all predictability ceased. I unexpectedly ended up in the often avoided Advanced N.E.W.T. Potions class. I don't know how it happened, but one night I found myself inches away from him. I was overcome with a strange desire and let him kiss me softly on the lips. Walking out of the dungeons that night, I could here the "eww's" I would have received had I told anyone of what had happened. It was a strange thing though, the Head Girl breaking the ultimate rule of any school housing children. I was a seventeen year old student; he was my forty year old professor. To many it would be considered the ultimate wrong, a cardinal sin, but what did I care? My body reacted immediately to his touch, even though it was only an innocent kiss.

It could easily have ended after that first kiss. It was such a simple kiss from a broken man to a lonely girl; it could have easily been forgotten. The following Monday, he was just as horrible to me in class as before. Something told me he was giving me the chance to forget what happened. The problem was I didn't want to. One night I returned to the Potion's classroom. I didn't say anything as I walked up to him and fell into his arms, becoming victim to my own desire. The visit was silent except for the few words we spoke in parting:

"We're taking a big risk, Hermione."

"That's why no one will find out, Severus."

Our first clandestine meeting was innocent, as were many that followed, but they did not stay that way. The night of the Halloween feast, everything changed, and we took our relationship to the next level. A few times before that I had wondered what it would be like to lose my virginity. When Severus and I began our relationship, I was thinking about it every night, part of me knowing it would happen sooner or later. He tried his best to be gentle with me that night, when he broke inside me. He kissed me softly to keep my mind off the pleasurable pain he was initiating. I was very inexperienced, but Severus was patient with me the first time...and every time after that. He instructed me like the teacher he was, and I learned to please him. Now it was the end of February, and we'd managed to keep our relationship a secret for over four months.

So what was wrong now? Why was Severus destroying us? Why was he trying to erase our past?

"Why?" I asked again, this time much more urgently.

"It's over, Hermione," he spat angrily. "We cannot continue this so-called relationship."

"What are you talking about?" I asked in a weak voice through my tears. This didn't make any sense whatsoever. Just a few nights ago he had screamed my name during the heat of passion and whispered to me his undying love. How could he change so much in so little time? I used the sleeve of my robe to dab at my unceasing tears. I sniffled slightly with my heart pounding in my throat, waiting for his response.

"Dumbledore demands we end it," he answered curtly. "He found out about us."

I shrugged slightly, dropping my eyes to the floor. "We couldn't keep it a secret forever."

Severus had apparently picked up a glass during our conversation--probably a stiff drink to calm his nerves--because I heard it shatter to pieces as it was hurled into the fireplace. I lifted my eyes to his, startled at his reaction. The flames of the fire were reflected in his eyes in such a way that they appeared to be dancing furiously behind them. I could feel his anger emanating from him.

"No, Hermione, you don't understand!" he shouted. "No one was ever supposed to find out!" He dropped his voice to a poisonous whisper. "You are my student. I am your professor. The Headmasters of Hogwarts have always been adamant about never allowing that line to be crossed. That is one rule even a member of the Golden Trio cannot break."

"There must be another way!" I shouted desperately. "If Dumbledore is so against us, why haven't I heard anything from him?"

Severus grabbed me forcibly by my frozen wrist and pulled me close enough that I could feel his breath on my face. "I am the adult, and he hoped I would do the responsible thing. If we ultimately refuse to end it, he will terminate me. You will immediately be stripped of your position as Head Girl...possibly expelled, he didn't go into details. If he speaks to you, he'll tell you exactly what will happen."

"Damn my title!" I shouted as a fresh wave of tears fell from my eyes. "What we have is more important--"

"Shut up you stupid girl!" he shouted as he pushed my roughly away from him. "I will not give up everything I have worked for. I will not throw away every ounce of trust I have managed to earn from the Headmaster over the past sixteen years!"

"But, Severus, it's for us," I pleaded weakly.

"There is no 'us', Hermione!" His voice resounded hauntingly in the stone room. His words sobered my tears and stopped my racing heart. I stared at him with unblinking eyes. I knew I couldn't have heard correctly. He sighed heavily and continued in a quieter, calmer voice. "A petty romance based on physical desire, Hermione, that's what we had. I'm sorry if you thought it was something more."

"You...you told me you loved me," I whispered breathlessly. I could feel my heart breaking...slowly ripping into tiny, bleeding shreds.

"You're basing the standing of our relationship on what I said during sex?" he asked as if such a thing was totally absurd. "Damn it, Hermione, I knew you were too young to get involved with. Things are different these days, with the War at its height; we all need a bit of physical release once in a while."

"Are you saying you don't love me?" I could barely speak.

"If that's what it comes down to...no, Hermione, I do not love you...and I never did."

"You're lying!" I screamed. I thought my supply of tears had dried up, I didn't think I could cry anymore, but my body proved me wrong by soaking my face in fresh tears.

"I'm not lying! It's over, Hermione!" His voice was cold and cruel; his eyes were devoid of the love I once saw in their depths. "Get the hell out! Out of this room and out of my life!"

I stood silently in shock. I wanted to say something, but what was there to say? I could think of nothing that wouldn't further irritate the situation. I was once again reminded of the frigidity of the room and wrapped my dressing gown tighter around my body. I looked up into Severus' eyes one last time. There was nothing in them but anger and resentment. Was I really so blind this whole time? Was the monster in front of me the same man I fell in love with over the past few months? I found it hard to believe.

Not wanting him to tell me to leave again, I turned slowly away from him and walked toward the door. I placed my hand on the sliding door and hesitated for a moment. I tried to stand tall with strength I did not have as I slid the door open. He said nothing as I stepped over the threshold. Once inside his office, I turned to close the secret door...but it was already shut, the same way Severus had already shut me out of his life.

I shivered uncontrollably as I made my way out of the dungeons. I didn't know where to go, who to turn to. Harry and Ron had found out about my relationship with Severus only a few days prior. Needless to say, they were not happy for me. They were both disgusted and furious, Ron especially. They haven't spoken to me since, unless you count Ron's numerous insults, "disgusting bitch" being the most common. There were often times at Hogwarts when I felt lonely, but those feelings were always shoved under the rug when I was with Ron and Harry. They were always there to make me feel at home. Now they were gone, not wanting to be affiliated with the girl who was fucking her Potions professor. Now I really was alone.

With nowhere else to go, I trudged my way up to the Astronomy Tower. The door opened slowly at the wave of my wand. The room was empty and filled with the cold air of the dying days of winter. A few flakes of snow still rested on the windowsill from the midday flurries. I closed the door and walked across the room to the window, my footsteps resounding on the stone floor.

That is where I am now, sitting on the windowsill looking out on the grounds. The night is clear and the faint light of the waning moon creates a shimmer on the sloping lawns of the school. The lake reflects the night sky like a mirror in the absence of wind. The trees look dead, with their branches naked and cloaked with snow. Only at night can I feel like I am part of this world...part of this dead world of winter. Now, as winter comes to a close and spring comes in, I know it is time for my departure. I cannot live on as this world celebrates new life and rejuvenation. I am too dead inside to enjoy life.

Part of me wishes I wasn't alone right now. That way I could tell the story of how I fell in love, only to be shot down and torn to pieces. No one but the Severus and me knows the true story. I want everyone to understand why I did the things I did. I want my memory to live on, not as a scandal, but as a story.

How could a seventeen year old Head Girl fall into the clutches of a forty year old Potions Master? That is the question that will always be affiliated with my name.

I look out the window once again, this time down to the ground. This is the tallest tower of Hogwarts, often deserted except during Astronomy classes. Over the thousands of years since the Founding of Hogwarts, the Astronomy Tower has become a very popular setting for the rumor mill, mostly because it is visited by two types of people: lovers and suicides. I've already been here as one...now I'm here as the other.

Lost...alone...I'm already dead inside.

Slowly I turn my body on the windowsill, allowing my legs to dangle in the cold night air. This is it. I take a deep breath--of hesitation? Perhaps--before loosening my grip on the window. I feel a solitary tear roll down my cheek.

With one last breath I shift my body forward and send myself tumbling to my death.

I may have heard the door open...I may have heard a scream...but all sounds are muffled by the sound of the rushing wind through which I fall.

I have no fears...I have no regrets.

I feel almost as if my body is decelerating. The ground is getting closer, but not as quickly.

My plan was not to attempt suicide. My plan was not to have someone save me.

The problem is...I think someone just did.