The Marauders' Tale

2 - Guilt

"Why, hello boys, what's wrong today?" asked Madam Pomfrey when she opened the door. "Lupin again, I suppose?"

"Yes, ma'am," James answered with a slightly apologetic smile.

"I was hit by a Jelly-Legs Jinx," Remus said. "We couldn't find the counter curse."

"Hmm..." mumbled Pomfrey, surveying the damage. "OK, then. Hold him still, boys." Madam Pomfrey drew her wand, flicked the end and directed the point towards Remus' thighs, saying, "Finite Jellegris." Relieved, Remus removed his arms from Sirius and James, and tested out his legs. Seemingly satisfied, Pomfrey looked into Remus' dark grey eyes and said, "I don't suppose you want to tell me who did this?"

"Severus Snape, ma'am," said Sirius at once.

"Really, Black?" Pomfrey asked, snapping her head towards Sirius, who cowered slightly under her glare.

"Uhh, yeah. He, er, hit Remus right after--"

"Well then, Black, perhaps you can tell me how Mr. Snape can be in two places at once, as he is currently serving a detention in my office."

Sirius looked baffled. Luckily, Remus interrupted. "Please, ma'am, Sirius doesn't know what he's saying." Pomfrey's attention now directed to Remus. "Er--I was--walking to class when the jinx hit me, and they asked who it was, and I just said, 'I don't know, probably Snape'."

James finally spoke up. "Yeah, we just thought it obvious for it to be Snape, we didn't know for sure--honest."

Pomfrey looked at each of them in turn, perhaps sensing some foul play, but she seemed to be satisfied. "Very well boys," she said slowly. "Run off, now, but stay out of trouble. I don't want to be mending Jelly Legs all term."

Outside of Pomfrey's office, the three boys had joined Peter at his bed.

"So how've you been holding up, Pete?" James asked, risking a quick glance at Remus, who had ducked his head.

"Oh, I'm fine now," Peter answered. "At night it was awful though. Pomfrey made me take two cups of Skele-Gro! Disgusting stuff."

"But I thought your ribs were just broken," Sirius said. "Pomfrey can fix bones in a heart beat."

"Oh well, Pomfrey said that if she had tried to mend them with magic, she might risk fusing them with some tissue, or something," Peter answered. "I think she said ribs are more complicated, since they're curved, you know. And the bones were just crumpled. Absolutely destroyed. The entire right side..."

While Peter explained the extensiveness of his broken ribs, James looked over at Remus again. Poor Remus, he thought, noticing the look on his face. He probably feels so guilty. Maybe we should change the subject.

Sirius seemed to be thinking along the same lines. "So Pete, we better--"

"Peter, I'm really sorry," Remus suddenly blurted out. Peter looked taken aback, and Sirius and James just stared at their friend. "I wasn't thinking, I wasn't in my right mind..."

If it was possible, James thought he detected a skeptical look on Peter's face. Surely he wouldn't blame this on Remus? he thought.

Sirius looked at Peter and said pointedly, "Remus, he's fine. It's all right."

Finally Peter spoke up. "Forget about it, Remus! I'm fine, I'm fine."

"Yeah, Moony," James said. "We know you can't control what happens when you change. It's okay."

"No it's not okay, James!" said Remus bitterly. "I'm a danger to you three."

James thought about these words as he recalled what happened two nights ago...

The three boys had transformed into their Animagi forms and were stationed underneath the Whomping Willow. It was a few minutes before sundown and they were watching Remus a few metres away from them grow more and more frantic. As the sun sank deeper into the horizon, Remus bent down on all fours, and his shaking became uncontrollable. During the seconds before the moon fully rose, Remus' shaking ceased, but the hair all over his body became thick and dark. By the time the moon rose entirely, Remus was snarling and his bones were wrenching into the form of the monster he became three nights a month.

As Peter watched, he thought, Thank Merlin changing into a rat isn't this painful.

Sirius watched his friend change and thought, not for the first time, Poor Remus. If I could, I'd kill the bugger who did this to him.

It's not fair he has to go through this month after month, James thought, seeing his friend growl, as the transformation neared completion.

Remus the Werewolf let out a terrifying howl, and lunged for the exit of the Whomping Willow, but Sirius was ready, as always. He jumped up to meet Remus and James rammed the wolf with his antlers. Peter had also jumped on Remus' back and bit a few times, to distract him from the exit to Hogwarts Grounds. At every full moon, Remus would back off after a minute's scramble and be kept in check by James and Sirius. But this time, Remus was much more agitated and before James and Sirius realized what was happening, he had grabbed Peter from off his back and threw him against the tunnel wall with a ferocious growl. Peter lay crumpled, in his rat form, near the tunnel entrance. James and Sirius couldn't change back to get Peter medical attention because they couldn't risk Remus attacking them as a werewolf. It took the boys nearly three hours to force Remus down the tunnel and into the Shrieking Shack. When they finally did this, Sirius barked to let James know he was going to help Peter, and bounded off to the entrance.

James looked at Remus now. He seemed absolutely torn by guilt.

"I'm not letting you guys come out with me again," he said finally.

"What?" Sirius and James yelled.

"That's all there is for it," Remus said firmly. "You're not coming anymore. I could have ripped you in half, Peter. Thank God I didn't swallow you whole," he finished, shuddering at that thought.

"Remus, you can't just--" Sirius began, but Remus had turned around and walked out of the infirmary.

"We better go after him," said Sirius.

"Yeah," James said. "Pete, we'll see you later. When do you get out?"

"Um..." Peter said, still distracted by the episode with Remus. "My bones are grown back, but they're still a little sore, so Pomfrey said tomorrow morning I can leave."

"Right," said Sirius. "We'll see you then, Wormtail."

As they made their way to the door, Peter suddenly said, "Uh, guys, can you just--make sure you tell him I'm--not holding it against him?"

"We will," the two boys said, nodding. They turned towards the door and stepped out onto the corridor, looking left and right, and down the stairs, but Remus was nowhere to be seen.

"Where do you think he went?" Sirius asked, looking up and down the corridor again.

"Maybe to the library," James thought out loud. "You know how he likes to read ... says it relaxes him."

"Yeah, maybe," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "You check the library. I'll check the common room and our dormitory."

"Right. But meet in the Great Hall in about twenty minutes. If he's not in the library or our dorm, he's stuffing his face."

"Where does he get that appetite?" Sirius wondered absent-mindedly. "OK, well, see you then."

Meanwhile, Remus was making his way to the Astronomy Tower, fuming. He silently cursed his friends as he made his way up the spiral staircase, knowing it wasn't really his friends he was angry with. I'm an animal. I don't deserve their help.

Remus stomped a few times as he reached the top of the staircase to relieve some anger.

Why do they put themselves in that position every month? Remus asked himself, walking out onto the roof of the tower.

You know why, said another voice. They're the best friends anyone could have. Who else would have stuck with you after they found out?

And with this thought, Remus relaxed a bit. Perhaps it was the location. For some reason, the Astronomy Tower was always a place Remus could find comfort. It was away from all the activity in the castle--a place where he could escape the reality of his condition.

Remus sat down near the edge of the rooftop, breathing in the afternoon air heavily.

They're good blokes, he thought sadly. But I can't put their lives at risk anymore.

As James made his way through the castle to the library, taking a few shortcuts, his mind began to wander. He looked at his watch. It had only been an hour since Remus had taken the pill from Sirius, but History of Magic had finished. He wondered where Lily was. Probably flirting with someone she actually fancies, James thought bitterly, kicking the carpet under his feet.

James turned the corner and looked around, wishing he had the map to see if anyone was nearby. The map! James thought. We could have used it to find Remus!

Hoping Sirius would think of the map, he walked up to the painting of Froid the Fickle and tapped the frame twice. The canvas flapped open, waiting for James to enter. He climbed through the frame and into a narrow cylindrical passageway.

James crept through the tunnel he'd discovered with Sirius in their fourth year, still thinking about Lily Evans. He thought of the way she looked, the way she took her prefect responsibilities so seriously, and the way she studied in the common room every night.

With a bump to his head, James reached the end of the tunnel, so he took out his wand and said, "Ouvraporta". The wall in front of him slid to the side with a slight thump, revealing one of the bookcases near the back of the library. He hopped out of the tunnel, slid the wall back into place, and straightened up. This part of the library was the most secluded (most of the books were about misuse of Muggle artifacts) so it was unlikely for James to run into someone here. He walked out from the aisle, looking around for Remus' thin frame and shaggy hair.

James searched through a few aisles, particularly the 'Defensive Spells' bookcases, as Remus had shown an interest in Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Looking at his watch, James could see he had to meet Sirius in a couple of minutes, so he skimmed the library once more quickly. He decided Remus wasn't there, but before he could move towards the door, something red caught his eye.

He hesitated for only a moment before walking up to her. "Hey Evans."

Lily looked up from her textbook at James Potter and an expression of dislike appeared on her face. "In case you haven't noticed, James, I have a first name. Use it," she said, before looking back down at Magical Draft's and Potions.

"Oh, um, sorry." James was losing his mind. How can someone with so much attitude have such an effect on me?? He decided to try again. "Hey Lily." His hand drifted towards his head, but he quickly remembered Evans didn't care how ruffled his hair looked. "Binns said that he would have you sum up today's lesson for me."

Lily squinted up at James. Was he for real? "If you really were eager to learn about Troll Confederacies, why did you get Remus and Sirius to dodge class with you?"

"That was Sirius' idea."

"I'm sure he really had to convince you to do it," she said sarcastically. "That's so manly of you. Blame something on your best friend when I know you're just as guilty."

James sighed. This really wasn't going well. "OK. I'm sorry I missed class. It was stupid and immature--"

"No, James," she shot back. "What you're doing now is immature. You don't even know what you're apologizing for! Why should I care if you miss class or not? You expect me to waste my time by teaching you something you couldn't give two Screwts for! And for what? So you can beg me to go to Hogsmeade with you? I don't think so."

A faint pink colour was slowly creeping up James' neck as he realized a few people in the library were staring at him.

"Ev--Lily!" James whispered to her, shooting an angry glare at the group of Ravenclaws giggling his way. "Why can't you just give me a chance? I'm not--"

"I have work to do, James."

Looking lost, he said, "OK, well, can we--talk about this later?"

"I doubt I'll be doing much talking."

James sighed. "I'll see you in the common room then..." he said in a dejected tone, making his way to the library doors.

Although it appeared that James was not following his mission, Sirius wasn't doing much better.

On his way to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius ran into Cindy Switch, an annoying Hufflepuff in his year who he had flirted with once or twice.

"Hi Sirius!" she said eagerly.

"Oh! Heyy--Cindy," Sirius said awkwardly, caught by surprise.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Cindy asked, scrambling up some steps to keep up with him.

"To my common room."

"Oh! Well I was wondering--Hey, hey, now what's the rush?" She grabbed Sirius' arm and flashed him a smile, batting her eyes once or twice.

Sirius looked at her now. She really was pretty, but he just wasn't interested in her.
Come onnn, said a voice in his head. It would be so easy.

Sirius looked into Cindy's deep brown eyes, shuddering for a moment from struggling with that wretched inner voice. "Cindy--I--I have to go," he said finally, pulling his arm away from her hand gently.

Good on you, he thought to himself as he walked up the steps. You handled that like a gent.

"Well OK," Cindy called after him. "I'll see you around, Sirius!"

He was almost at the common when a loud cackle reached his ears. Sirius cursed under his breath as a small man popped into view above him.

"Now, now. You kiss your mother with that mouth??"

"Leave me alone, Peeves," Sirius grumbled.

Peeves chuckled. "Dearie me, someone sure is cranky today."

Sirius decided to ignore the poltergeist and kept on walking, but Peeves did a series of acrobatic twirls and zoomed right into Sirius' view.

"GET OUT OF MY FACE, PEEVES."

Peeves seemed absolutely unperturbed by Sirius' amplified voice. "Tsk tsk. Nasty temper you've got, Sirius Black."

"Yeah, well, it helps when you've got stinking pests hanging around!" Sirius shot back.

Peeves let out an enormous cackle, blew a wet raspberry at Sirius and zoomed backwards down the corridor, leaving the very irritable boy behind.

When he finally got to the common room, it was obvious Remus wasn't there, nor in their dormitory. Sirius checked his watch. He was already a few minutes late for James, so he set off for the Great Hall, wondering where Remus could be.

Remus sat cross-legged near the edge of the tower, breathing deeply. He found that the days directly after the full moon left him with a short temper. Remus had found some great breathing exercises in one of his mom's Yoga books that helped him settle down for times like these. After several minutes, Remus' ears picked up the sound of shoes walking up the spiral staircase. Up on the Tower, it was difficult to get a good smell of anything particular, as his nose was filled with the scent of grass, afternoon air, and a slight hint of droppings from the Care of Magical Creatures section of the grounds. Therefore Remus couldn't make out who the person walking up the steps was, but he thought he recognized the smell of the Gryffindor common room.

Merlin, they found me already, Remus thought. Can't they just let me be?

Remus stayed put, facing the grounds, bracing himself for the coming argument.

But wait, he thought. That doesn't smell like James or Sirius...

"Remus?"

Good Godric...it's her!

Remus turned to see Jennifer Atlas standing near the wall close to the staircase, holding a canvas and a small case.

"Hey Jennifer," Remus said, standing up. A small queasiness began to form in the pit of his stomach.

"I didn't expect to find you here," Jennifer said, walking forward. "So you found my private place, huh?"

Remus grinned. "Guess I'm not the only one at Hogwarts who needs some privacy every so often."

Jennifer pulled a few pieces of wood out of the small case she was carrying. She tapped each with her wand and they all elongated. Then she swirled her wand over the pieces and they fit together to make an easel on which she placed her canvas.

Remus watched her do this, trying not to stare, incase she looked up and caught him in the act. She had short curly hair that was arguably dark brown or black, and a small feminine face. He looked at her hands as she waved her wand over the sticks, noticing how fragile they looked.

Jennifer looked up at Remus when she finished setting up her easel, and he wondered if she wanted him to leave. "You know what, I can go if you want. I'm sure--"

"I never said that. You don't have to leave."

"No, I wouldn't want to impose on a masterpiece," Remus said with a grin.

"Stay, Remus, we barely get to talk ... which is sort of silly, seeing as how we've been living in the same common room for the past five years."

After a moment's hesitation, Remus nodded. Jennifer, seemingly satisfied, pulled out a few brushes, and laid them on the ledge of the easel.

"So..." Remus said awkwardly, thinking his hands must look so stupid just hanging at his legs. "You paint, huh?"

Jennifer nodded as she took out a pallet and waved her wand over it, causing various colours of paint to appear. "I've had an obsession with art for as long as I can remember."

"My father was an artist," Remus said, deciding to stuff his hand in his pockets. "He taught me a few tricks when I was young."

"Really? Like what?"

"My favourite was sculpting. That's the only thing I've actually continued. I sketch occasionally, but that's usually during Potions," Remus said, grinning.

Jennifer smiled broadly, looking out onto the grounds, evidently looking for inspiration of how to start her painting.

"I love it out here," she said breathlessly.

"Yeah," Remus said, without thinking. "I come out here whenever I need a break from the world."

Jennifer looked up at Remus, trying to understand him. He seemed so complicated, yet so simple; so withdrawn, yet so exposed. Then she noticed a long white scar running from the top of his right ear, all the way down to the base of his neck. What had he been through?

He looked down at her for a moment, and suddenly his eyes widened. What am I doing?

"I--I have to go, Jennifer," he said, backing away.

"What? Why?"

"I'm sorry--this was nice, really." And Remus turned around and ran down the spiral steps.