Watching You Fall

Watching You Fall

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Harry sat on the cold wet grass. It was dark, and everybody was probably already asleep. But he could sleep, or he wouldn't. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw her crying, or bleeding. He wanted to help her; he wanted someone to know she needed help. But when he had saw her for the first time hurting herself, she had made him promise to keep it a secret, and being stupid, Harry promised.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he kept saying to himself. Why did he promise? She needed help, and he should've tried to help her. Now she was in too deep. Her skin was pale, her once beautiful eyes seemed dead, and her usually perfect body was frail and too skinny. She couldn't even pick up her book bag without hurting herself.

Today, he saw her bent over a bucket in a dark hallway. Harry couldn't believe what he was seeing. She was forcing herself to throw up, over and over and over and over again. He had thought that cutting herself, and doing cocaine, and not eating was bad enough. But now...

He'd pulled her away from the bucket, and held her against him as she cried. She knew what she was doing was wrong. But she couldn't stop. She felt fat. She felt ugly. She felt like she was too different to be accepted. That was all she wanted. She wanted to be accepted for who she was, not for her looks or her family, or for anything. Just her. But she knew that she never would.

"It's alright," Harry had whispered to her. He was stroking her hair and wiping the saliva and vomit off of her with his sleeve. "Shh. It's okay now. I'm here. Shh..."

Now it was two weeks later and she was dead. Harry had spent the whole day alone, refusing to talk to anybody. He wouldn't even tell his best friends what was bothering him so his friends thought it was nothing, and left him alone. Just like he wanted it.

Once everyone took the hint and left him alone, Harry finally cried. He had never cried over a girl before. Well, except his mother. But she wasn't his mother, and she was dead. And he was crying. He had loved her, and he hadn't even been able to tell her how he felt. Or even say good-bye.

A few days later, while everybody was coupled off and going to Hogsmeade, Harry went alone.

He walked to the graveyard, and walked around until he found it. Kneeling in front of it, he felt fresh tears pricking at his eyes.

He traced her name with his finger feeling the tears falling down his cheeks.

"Well, uh," he whispered. "I can't believe it. Everything is just so wrong now that you're gone. You were only sixteen; you aren't supposed to be lying in a graveyard. I didn't even get say goodbye, or to say what I felt. But now that I'm here, I'm going to tell you. I never told you before because I didn't want to hurt you. But now that nothing can hurt you anymore, I can finally tell you.

"When I first saw you, you were snobby and always had you nose in the air, but you were so beautiful. I couldn't even find the words to describe you. But it seemed like you had a shield cast over you. But over the years, that shield lightened up, and this year it came off. You let me in.

"I love you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to scare you. We've had our fights and our differences. But I still love you. And I just wanted you to know that. I didn't want you to get scared and hurt yourself even more. I love you."

Harry stood up and kissed the top of the angels' head that was on the tombstone.

"I love you Pansy Parkinson," Harry whispered as he walked away. Harry walked away from the tombstone, out of the graveyard, out of Hogsmeade, and back to Hogwarts. He knew that nobody could ever fill the hole in his heart. It would always belong to Pansy.

He knew Pansy would've wanted him to be happy, to have somebody with him. But he didn't want to, he didn't want to betray Pansy, no matter what state she was in, dead or alive.

As Harry sat on his bed in his dorm, he thought about her. It shocked him that the girl who he had once despised could be the object of his affection. But she was, and he would always love her. When a priest says, "until death do you part" when you are getting married, that's how Harry felt. Until it came his time to die, he would never leave Pansy. She was his first love, and his only love.