That Awful Night

A cold wind blows in from the sea. I look out cursing myself. Why did I do the things I did? All this death is my fault. Not in the way they say of course. But it's still my fault.

I have two choices now. I can sit and wait for the Ministry officials to come for me. I can end my life here. Throw myself of these cliffs where I sat so many times in happier days. Or I can find him and kill him. I will end my days in Azkaban, yes. But I will have revenged the deaths I am blamed for.

I slip off my black Muggle t-shirt and close my eyes. I trace the tattoo that covers my chest. A black dog sheltered by the wings of a phoenix. Flames dance around the edges. It identifies me as an animagus for the Order. Prongs had one. I thought Wormtail did. But it turns out he has a different tattoo.

*****

I look at myself in my bathroom mirror. I look horrible. My face is pale and grim. My eyes look haunted and dark circles show my lack of sleep. How can you sleep when your best friends have left you?

Only Peter and I are left. Lily and James are dead. Sirius is as good as dead.

I just got back from the Ministry. I had to go to identify James and Lily's bodies. It was easy. Aveda Kedavra doesn't change appearances much. Lily's eyes were still green. James's hair was still messy. They both still had their Order tattoos. Lily's a small phoenix spreading its wings between her shoulder blades. James's a large phoenix across his chest, its wings encircling a stag. Flames dance around the edges.

I am lost. Where should I go? What do you do when you lose everyone who means something to you?

I will go to the cliffs.

*****

In dog form I slink away from the edge of the cliff. I am a few feet away when someone apparates right where I had been moments before. It's Moony. I move closer, my fur blending with the shadows.

He is crying. Tears stream down his haggard face. I ache to run to him. To tell him that it wasn't me who betrayed Lily and James. That it was Peter. But I can't. Word will have spread that I betrayed them. He might not believe. I can't risk it. I have one last job before I submit to my fate.

I look back one last time. His head rests on his knees. His shoulders shake with silent sobs. I can't go like this. I shift back to human form and dig through my pockets. In the depths of the left one I find the galleon I got the day the four of us sneaked out of school 7^th year. We had them engraved at a jeweler's.

I throw it at Moony. It taps him on the shoulder. By the time he looks in my direction I am a dog again and have slipped farther into the shadows.

*****

I sit in the spot the four of us used to go to watch the sunrise in happier days. My head drops onto my knees and I cry.

Something hits me on the shoulder. I lift my head and look in the direction it came from. I see a dark shape low to the ground, slipping away. I run my hands over the ground and find a galleon in the damp grass. I pull out my wand and cast a light spell. I examine the coin.

Yes. It is the one I thought it was. It is engraved with one word. Padfoot. He has been here. I look to where I saw him before, but he is already gone.

I slip the galleon into my pocket. I will not be turning this over to the Ministry. I'll be damned before I'd turn my best friend over to the dementors.

*****

I slid away into the darkness. Watch out little Wormtail. I am coming for you. I will hunt you like a dog.

*****

I stare into the darkness after him. Good hunting Padfoot. Maybe someday you and I will ride again.

*****

Somewhere in the stars above, a stag rears. Prongs is watching.

*****

The dog hunts

The wolf prays

The stag watches.

*****

Baby Harry sleeps.