Fragments

He walks along the road in Hogsmeade with Remus. They are going to meet James and Lily at the Three Broomsticks. Remus' head is on his shoulder and his hand is in Remus' back pocket. This is all he needs. Remus and freedom and sunlight. With these things, he could be happy forever. He could forget about Voldemort and the war and his family. He could just float along, oblivious to the world's troubles. Remus lifts his head and plants a light kiss on his cheek. He turns his head and their mouths meet. Yes. He could be happy. So happy.

He throws the bottle across the room and it hits the wall with a crash, the broken fragments falling to the floor. This can't be happening. Remus can't be the spy. That isn't possible. Not his Remus. The little voice in the back of his head wants to know who else it could be. It could be anyone. Anyone. But it can't be Remus. He tips back his seventh glass of Firewhiskey and hauls himself to his feet. He has to get another bottle from the kitchen. He will numb the pain and try to forget. Remus will come back and it will all be all right.

He stares in disbelief at the smoldering remains of the house in Godric's Hollow. He can't believe it. His friend/brother and is gone forever. And Peter, little Peter, betrayed them all. He plunges into the wreckage. There has to be something. He stops short at the sight of James' body sprawled across the rubble that was once the hallway. He turns away, moving on autopilot. He reaches the nursery and his heart clenches as he looks down at Lily's lifeless body. He makes himself look into the crib. Little Harry Potter smiles up at him. Alive.

He watches in disgust and anger as Peter scurries away into the gutter, leaving him surrounded by bodies, bodies, bodies. The Ministry officials are there. They can't arrest him. Remus is expecting him. Remus is waiting at home. But they do, and he laughs. He laughs because they never suspected Peter. He laughs because he thought Remus might be the spy. He laughs because Remus though he was the spy. He laughs because he knows it is all over. He laughs and laughs, because if he does not laugh, he knows he will cry. And Sirius Black never cries.

He studies the wall of his cell and wonders where Remus is. Where Harry is. They are all he has left. He has to get out of here and find them. He traces the lines of his palm and remembers Remus' gentle fingers doing the same, all those years ago. He wonders just how long he has been here. How long it has been since he saw the sky. A dementor glides past his cell and he shivers in its cold wake. Bad memories flood his mind and he focuses on one thought. He is innocent.

He dashes from bush to bush, following Harry as best he can. His paws hurt, but he will keep Harry from harm, no matter what. He is his godfather. James and Lily chose him to watch over their son and he will not let them down. He will never let them down. He consoles his paws by telling them that after Harry is safe, he will find Remus and Remus will hold him and everything will be all right and they will go find Peter. And kill him. Oh, he has waited too long for this.

He wants to scream. Scream and scream and scream. Maybe if he does, someone will take pity on him and let him out of this hell. This is worse than Azkaban. Fate dangled his freedom in front of his nose, whisking it away whenever he seemed to get close enough to reach out for it. He is trapped in his childhood. The House of Black has dug its poisoned pinchers back into his life. He is trapped there, and worst of all, he is losing his Remus. His love is uncertain. They were once entwined. One being. Wolf/Dog. Brown/Black. Azkaban has broken their ties.

He taunts Bellatrix, dancing away from her curses. He can see the madness in his cousin's eyes. She, too, suffered the long dark of Azkaban. The voices of the other fighters blend together. He focuses only on her. He will kill Bellatrix. It is long past her time. But then, something breaks his concentration. He is a hair too slow and before he realizes what is happening, he is falling backwards into the veil. Remus stands beside Harry and the last thing he sees before he passes through is the years of pain and caring in his lover's eyes.

He is floating. That is the first thing he notices. The second is that the sky is very close and he feels as if he could reach out and touch the stars. He tries, and discovers that he can. He hears a familiar cry and turns to see James and Lily running toward him. He realizes in an instant that he is dead. James and Lily are upon him and he runs forward to meet them. His brother/friend is back. He knows he could be so happy here, where everything is endless. But all the same, he misses his love.

He thinks that dying is easy, compared to watching the living. He watches Remus all the time. James and Lily try to pull him away from the window to the other world, but they never succeed for very long. He always sneaks back. He watches as Remus loses himself in the pain of loss and finds himself again, in Tonks' love. He watches as Harry fights and fights. And he wishes more than anything that he was back on earth, away from the endless. But there is nothing he can do. He is dead and they are alive and he cannot change that.