The Worst Ever Lesson

It was an ordinary day at Hogwarts. The students were bustling around down the halls, the teachers were teaching despite the classes blatant lack of interest, and Minerva McGonagall was ranting and raving in the Headmaster's office.

"I refuse; I will not! You cannot force me, Albus!"

Albus Dumbledore sat watching the scene with mild interest from behind his large wooden desk, while his Deputy paced the room frantically.

"My dear, sexual education is a very important. I think that you should be the one to teach it, because you have control of the class better than any teacher here."

Minerva stopped in front of Albus' desk and placed her hands on her hips.

"Why not get Severus to teach it then? He has control as well!" Albus surveyed her placidly over his half moon glasses.

"Yes," he said gently, "but in a situation quite like this, the students would be in hysterics to be taught by their formidable Potions instructor."

Professor McGonagall resumed her pacing. Suddenly, she turned around and faced her colleague.

"If it's so important," she snarled, "why don't you teach it?" Albus stood up slowly and paced over to where Minerva was standing, looking very flustered indeed. He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes seriously.

"Believe me, Minerva, you will do fine," he said earnestly. "Besides, Severus won the coin toss!"

"Oh, Albus!" Minerva swatted him playfully.

"My dear, I don't believe if anyone has ever told you, but you have magnificent eyes. Especially," he added, a twinkle in his eye, "when you are angry. Don't worry, my dear, you'll do fine." He planted a soft kiss upon her lips and she almost smiled. Almost.

"You always know what buttons to push, don't you," she muttered.

"Ah, that's what husbands are for, Minerva dearest. Now, you have one period to...uh...prepare. Good luck!" He smiled cheerfully as Minerva stormed scowling from his office. Not waiting for the griffin to slowly take her to the bottom, she simply stomped down the stairs and pushed her way past the gargoyle at the entrance.

"My, my! Pushy today, are we?"

"Shut it, you," she said absently.

She was in a very awful mood indeed when she ran smack into the person she had hoped beyond hope that she wouldn't see, after having the conversation that she'd just had.

"Amanda! Do watch where you're going!" she snapped.

"Jeez Louise Min! Who shoved a broom up your arse?" the flying instructor said indignantly.

"If you must know..."

"I must," Amanda interrupted.

"Albus has asked me to teach the Gryffindor/Slytherin sexual education class this year, and I am most definitely not looking forward to it." Minerva said, regaining her trademark façade of calm and composure as she began to walk to her office to prepare.

"Ooh, Sevvie called heads again, did he? Damn him." Amanda grinned devilishly, falling into step with her very annoyed friend.

Minerva pretended not to hear her and just kept walking determinedly. By the time she reached the door to her office, Amanda was blabbing on and on to her about what and what not to say.

"...Don't get too graphic, the kids won't feel comfortable. And make sure you allow them to giggle, especially the girls, because that's how they deal with embarrassment. Are you sure Albus said that you have to do it alone? Because if you want, I'll help!"

Sighing in a very irritated fashion Minerva muttered the password to her office and walked in a few steps, before realizing that Amanda was still talking to her. 'Great Merlin! Does she ever shut up?' she thought exasperatedly.

"Amanda! I'm a grown witch! I'll be perfectly fine without help! They're just children! How hard will it be?"

"Surprisingly hard, actually! They're all hormonal and excited..."

"Thank you Amanda, but I can handle it! Good day!" she said, slamming the door in Amanda's face.

Amanda had succeeded in making Minerva very, very nervous. Letting out a great breath Minerva tried to rearrange a set of papers on her desk in order to calm herself down. This was going to be a very difficult lesson. She heard the tell tale rumbling of many feet making their way (with or without their bodies. At Hogwarts you never truly know) to her classroom for their "lesson". Taking deep breaths in and out she tried and failed to compose herself. Finally, giving up, she slapped on her stern, no-nonsense teacher mask and stepped out into the classroom. This was going to be the longest hour of her life.

"Now, class. I do believe that you were told why you were to come here today, -Ms. Patil! Control yourself! - and I must make something very clear." She surveyed the room sternly over her rectangular spectacles.

"This lesson is for your benefit and safety, not for your amusement," she said, throwing everything that Amanda had told her to the winds, "and I refuse to tolerate any giggling, tittering, or rude and or inappropriate questions or comments at any time. That said, let us begin. I'm quite sure that you all know the, er, mechanics of sex, but do you know the effects and precautions one must take?"

The class was looking up at her with surprise evident on their faces. They never thought that they'd have to hear those words from Professor McGonagall of all people. Everyone was staring up at her, except for Hermione, who was furiously scribbling in her notebook, her tongue between her teeth. Minerva felt a rush of gratitude for this one student, because she could be sure that she wouldn't be giggling. Professor McGonagall cleared her throat, her confidence boosted slightly.

"Ahem, now, there are certain precautions that one must take, such as protection. Excuse me, Mr. Malfoy, for interrupting your private conversation, but if you have something to say to Mr. Goyle then I suppose you won't mind saying it to the whole class?"

Malfoy looked up, scowling, as all heads (including three silently laughing Gryffindors) turned to watch him. He didn't go red, but rather said quite calmly,

"I was just saying to Goyle here, that I was wondering if there would be a practical demonstration?" Minerva's eyes widened with fury, as the class (mainly the Slytherins) began to laugh loudly. She took a deep breath and told herself that this was to be expected.

"Well Mr. Malfoy," she said in her most deadly calm voice, "not unless you and Ms. Parkinson would like to provide a demonstration. Otherwise, I suggest that you keep you mouth closed, unless it is to ask an appropriate question. Is that clear?"

Draco scowled deeply, but nevertheless muttered 'yes'.

"Thank you. Now that Mr. Malfoy has been kind enough to act sixteen, instead of six, does anyone know some of the forms of contraceptive devices that are used? Yes Ms. Granger?"

Hermione looked rather embarrassed, but blushing furiously, said, "Condoms?" in a voice a lot less confident than usual.

"That's quite right. There are female and male condoms, as well as muggle birth-control pills and patches. Not to mention various Potions and charms that one can use, but I will not pretend to recommend asking Professor Snape. Or Professor Flitwick, either for that matter. If you have questions about this lesson at the end of class, feel free to ask them."

Suddenly, to no one's surprise, Blaise-the-wise-guy Zabini raised his hand with a look of feigned puzzlement. A few of his fellow Slytherins guffawed appreciatively. He waved his hand in the air, in an uncanny imitation of Hermione.

"Professor," he called out to Minerva, who was lecturing the class on the importance of using protection. "Professor!"

Minerva sighed, closing her eyes and titling her head back. Without opening her eyes to see who was calling out she said,

"Yes, Mr. Zabini? Do you have a question?"

"Yes professor," Blaise said, trying, and failing, to look embarrassed.

"You see, I was simply wondering whether or not you used protection when you were our age?" He sat back in his chair with a smirk of amusement at the professor's outraged expression.

Minerva could feel a blush rising in her neck and face very quickly. Very flustered, she tried to figure out what the real her -the one who was not teaching Sex-Ed to overly hormonal teenagers- would do.

"Mr. Zabini! I...that is...that's inappropriate and uncalled for! Unless you have a real question, again, I advise you to keep your hand down."

Never the less, again, Blaise's hand shot into the air, only mere moments after she had continued her lecture, looking significantly redder than before, however. Knowing that she couldn't very well ignore his hand, incase he had a legitimate question, she turned to him, and asked in a very impatient tone,

"Yes Mr. Zabini! What is it now?"

"Professor, I was wondering, how do you give yourself pleasure?"

He of course, knew the answer, but it was a guilty pleasure of his to make his teachers squirm. Well, maybe not so guilty.

"Mr. Zabini! That...I...will someone please answer that for him? Because I find that hardly legitimate enough for me to be interrupted for!" It was her turn to watch with satisfaction as the students squirmed at the idea of explaining...well...that to Blaise Zabini. Revenge was sweet. Suppressing a sadistic smile, she turned to Draco Malfoy.

"Mr. Malfoy? Please explain this for Mr. Zabini." Draco turned a nasty shade of green, as well as the pink tinge of embarrassment flushing in his cheeks.

Scowling, he leaned over and whispered something that was clearly not what he'd asked. Professor McGonagall reclaimed the class's attention and ploughed on with her lesson. If she had to do this, she'd do it right. The lesson continued on like this for quite some time (Blaise's occasional comments and questions breaking the silence every now and then), until the bell rang and signaled the end of class.

"I sincerely hope that you've all learned something today. Dismissed."

Once the class had stormed out, laughing and talking, Minerva was free to sink into her chair and let her head flop onto her desk. Inside, she was dying of embarrassment. There was no sound for quite some time until she heard the telltale click of the door being opened and two people walking in carefully. Keeping her head down, she said,

"Albus, Amanda, nice of you to join me. Now where were you when I could have made some use of you?

"Well we aren't going to tell you now, are we?" Albus said, smiling in an infuriatingly cheerful way.

Amanda Hooch grinned impishly and said, "We were outside the door, listening." She was cut off almost immediately by Albus, as she tried to open her mouth again.

There was the distinct sound of someone's foot being trodden on and a grunt of pain, as well as a few well placed (and decidedly muggle) curses from Amanda.

"Bloody hell, Albus! That hurt, God damn it!" Albus took no notice, but gently lifted up Minerva's head off her desk.

"Minerva my dear," he said, meeting her dark green eyes with his twinkling blue ones, "that went well don't you think?" Minerva stood up suddenly, and glared at her husband and best friend.

"Now really! You don't need to tease me about it! If I remember quite correctly, you taught sexual education to James Potter's year, and they were quite scarred for life!" She crossed her arms and looked at the pair in front of her who were trying valiantly not to laugh, but were failing miserably.

Finally, they could hold it in no longer and burst out laughing at the same time. Even Minerva chuckled appreciatively, as the embarrassment of the last hour began to fade. Albus walked over and wrapped his arms around Minerva, planting gentle kisses along her jaw line, making her shiver with pleasure. Amanda made a gagging motion behind them, but suddenly got the sparkle in her eye which usually meant that someone was about to be humiliated within an inch of their life.

"Hey Minnie..." she wheedled.

"Mmm?" Minerva answered, as Albus began to trace her neck with his fingers, sending shivers up her spine.

"Just out of curiosity...did you use protection when you were younger?"

Minerva jumped out of Albus' arms and flushed scarlet.

"I...I...Amanda! How dare you even ask such a thing? It's...personal!"

But Amanda wasn't listening, as she was rolling on the floor, laughing at her own wit and the fabulous shade of scarlet that her friend had turned.

"I didn't even...know you could...turn...that red!" she gasped between gales of laughter.

"You're very immature, Amanda. Excuse me," Minerva sniffed indignantly.

She turned on her heel and left the room containing her lover and her best friend, both of whom were in hysterics. But Amanda swore that she could hear Minerva mutter as she passed,

"Next time, I'm calling heads."