You Can't Always Get What You Want

Author's Notes: Written for McTabby's 5^th Annual Cat's Birthday Drabblethon for bowdlerized's prompt: "Remus and Sirius are NOT happy about this!" Thanks to Inksheddings for the beta!

"Don't start with me, Moony."

Remus glared at Sirius, his lips pressed tightly closed in a thin line.

"And don't look at me like that. It wasn't my fault!"

"It's always your fault," Remus said, shaking his head. He sighed loudly and flopped down on his bed. He grabbed his pillow and covered his face, wishing he were anywhere else right now, preferably on another continent on the other side of the planet.

"Is not, and don't be so bloody dramatic." Sirius closed the door to their room, stomped over to the open window, and slammed it shut. "Bollocks," he muttered, turning toward his own bed beside the window. He glared mutinously at the curtains for a brief moment, huffed loudly, and stomped off toward the loo, muttering obscenities under his breath.

Remus slid the pillow off his face and took a deep breath, staring at the canopy above his bed. All things considered, it could be worse. There could have been photographs, and considering wizarding photographs moved.... He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to even think about that. To his knowledge, no one had ever died from embarrassment, but right about now he'd gladly volunteer to be the first.

Or perhaps not. He could just imagine the conversations that the occasion would engender:

"Hear about that Lupin bloke?"

"The one who died from embarrassment?"

"That's the one. Did you hear how he died?"

"Because his embarrassment killed him?"

Oh, if only it would end there. Of course it wouldn't. No, this one would be told for generations. They'd probably engrave it as his epitaph. "Here lies Remus Lupin, age eighteen. Died from shame, committing acts obscene." Okay, so they'd probably come up with something a bit more clever than that.

Still, the point remained that perhaps dying wasn't such a good idea after all.

"And what are you mumbling about?" Sirius asked, returning from the loo, wiping his hands on his robes, his damp hair pushed back from his face, and drops of water coalescing under his chin.

"I guess flushing yourself didn't work?" Remus asked, and curled up on his side. "Ah, bugger this!"

"I do love it when you swear," Sirius said with a forced grin, wiping his hand across his jaw and chin. "What else do you want to do to me?"

"Don't even joke," Remus said. "I'm never leaving this room again, and it's all your fault!"

"You weren't complaining half an hour ago!"

"You hadn't yet ruined my life half an hour ago," Remus grumbled and turned over onto his stomach, covering his head with his arms.

"Ruined--it was your idea to Summon the damn lube in the first place!"

Remus lifted his head and glared at Sirius. "Excuse me? And who left it in his trousers pocket? And who was it that sent said trousers to the laundry for the house-elves to wash?"

"Oi!" Sirius said. "It was a mistake, all right? I forgot. I thought it would just fly straight out the window."

"There were twenty people following it through the castle, Sirius! Twenty people! Twenty people who now know we were having it off under the Quidditch stands. Twenty people who by now have told at least fifty, who have told another hundred..." He reached for his pillow again and dropped it on his head. "I'm never leaving this room again. And I'm never having sex again. Ever!"

He felt the bed dip, and a moment later Sirius had removed the pillow. "Put it back," he said through gritted teeth.

"C'mon, Moony, be reasonable. I'm not happy about it either. Besides, I was the one with my pants round my ankles."

Remus huffed. "Oh, please, I'd barely got your robes above your knees, and it was dark under there anyway."

"Yeah, that's right. It was dark, so nobody saw anything. And it's not like the bottle was labelled, either. Look," he said, pulling the nondescript bottle from his robe pocket. "Nobody knows what it was they were following. Just a plain ordinary little bottle. Could have been anything."

Remus raised his eyebrows.

"Look. It's us. They probably thought it was another prank, like that time we cast that charm back in fifth year--what did you name it? The Pie Charm or something?"

"Pied Piper," Remus said, smiling somewhat reluctantly at the memory of the entire school, including half the staff, marching single file out of the Great Hall. "Really?" he asked. Maybe Sirius was right. Perhaps he was overreacting. "You don't think they know?"

"Absolutely not," Sirius said, leaning down and brushing Remus' fringe back from his forehead. "Would I lie to you? No, don't answer that," he added quickly, pressing his finger to Remus' lips to forestall the obvious sarcastic retort. "Hey," he said, nudging Remus' elbow. "We're all alone now. Prongs is still at practice, and Wormtail's watching. And this time we've got the lube..." he said, waggling his eyebrows.

Remus shook his head and grinned. "Randy bastard. You just want to get off," he said, grabbing the front of Sirius' robes and pulling him down to for a snog. Okay, so maybe Sirius wasn't the only one who wanted to get off, and his erection did seem to be reviving now that things were heating up again, the earlier interruption all but forgotten.

They both jumped, and Remus bit Sirius's lip reflexively as the door to the room banged open.

"Ow! Merlin's balls, Prongs! We're busy!" Sirius yelled, rubbing his lip with his knuckle.

James snickered. "So I heard."

"What are you doing back so early?"

"Wait - what do you mean, you heard?" Remus asked with a sinking feeling in his chest.

James tossed his broom on his bed, pulled out half a dozen nondescript small bottles from the pockets of his Quidditch kit, and waved them back and forth in his hands, a wide grin on his face.

"Wormtail's got a few more - he's still outside helping Cooper look for the Snitch," James said, pointing haphazardly over his shoulder with his thumb. "Lost cause right now if you ask me. Anyway, I'm afraid we couldn't collect them all." He put the bottles on the table next to Remus' bed, cleared his throat in exaggerated fashion, and waggled his finger at Sirius.

"Next time you do a Summoning Charm when you're ah, feeling a little...excitable, Padfoot, you might want to stop what you're doing first and focus a bit more."

Remus felt nauseated, and Sirius' face was pale and blank with shock. "James..." Remus said with a distinct edge to his voice. He clenched his fist, fingernails gauging crescents into his palm, and his recently revived erection had vanished once again, probably on a broom to Majorca by now. "Where did those bottles come from?"

"From everywhere! We got pelted with so many bottles of lube on the pitch, we had to cancel practice!" James said, trying--and failing--to stifle his laughter. "I hope they weren't all yours, you perverted bastards. Though I imagine at least a few came flying in from Padfoot's favourite naughty little shop in Hogsmeade. A truly inspired display of magic, Padfoot, though I'm sure that wasn't your only impressive display today," he said, winking outrageously and covering his mouth as he choked back his laughter.

"Oh, and I'd avoid P-Peeves if I were you, M-Moony," he added, his face practically purple with effort. "He's g-got a new ditty for you," he sputtered, and finally collapsed on the floor as his knees gave way, laughing.

Remus swallowed and tried not to be sick as he pushed a gaping Sirius away, and reached yet again for his pillow. I'm never leaving this room, he thought. They can bury me under the stone floor.

The door to their dormitory was still open, and from the common room, there was a loud roar of laughter. Above the din, it wasn't too difficult to hear Peeves' booming off-key voice, chanting, "Loony 'Looby' Lube-in..."

~*~