Know That I Can't

Know That I Can't

Chapter One

Sometimes, when I finally fall asleep after hours of laying awake, I dream about her. You know who I mean. Everyone does. When I'm crying, people look at me and they know why. They wonder what they did wrong - if they wore something red like her hair, if they did their hair in the style that she wore it in, or even if they wore or mentioned Gryffindor or its colors.

One time, Angel, our-- her daughter, wanted to go to the zoo with one of her Muggle friends, so I tagged along. I wanted to make sure nothing happened to her, because she has her spirit, her personality, and her looks. And she's my Angel. Nothing will happen to her. Ever.

When we were almost at the exit, Angel wanted to look at the lions. I took one look at the lions and, remembering the Gryffindor Lion, burst into tears. The six year old, matching what must have been the younger version of my favorite Chaser to play against in Quidditch, stared at me and wondered, why is Daddy crying? Then she did an entirely Ginny-ish thing to do. She began to wipe my tears. It was so gentle and for a moment, I felt her touch and became absorbed in it. Only after I blinked twice did I realize that it was Angel, and not Ginny, drying my eyes. That was when I first realized that there was something horribly wrong, although I had been missing her since were were forced apart.

The first clear memory I have of her was when I first realized that I did not, in fact, hate her. I hated her brother, her friends, and her family, perhaps, but not her. Never her. That memory stings me so because it only makes me want her back. But I can't have her back, I know that.

***

Wish that I could see you again

Know that I can't

***

"Five points from Gryffindor!" I called, my eyes falling upon the four Gryffindors walking rather slowly along the Potions corridor.

"Malfoy, you pompous - " Ron began, edging towards me.

"Just doing my job," I replied, fingering my Head Boy badge carelessly. "If you don't like it, take it up with Dumbledore."

"Just because you're bloody Head Boy - " Potter began, his hands curling into fists. He advanced towards me and whipped out his wand. I stumbled ungracefully and fell. Potter cornered me against the wall and I had nowhere to move. "Let's see," he said, turning to Ron. "Which spell shall I use on the prat?"

"Does it have to be legal?" Ron replied jokingly, smirking. Hermione shot him a disapproving glare, and he sighed. "The Furnuculus curse?" he suggested.

"Okay, on three then," Harry agreed. "One... two... three!"

"NO!" shouted a small redhead from the corner. "I know he's obnoxious and a prat, but don't hurt him Harry. You're only showing him that he's got to you, and he'll keep it up."

"Can't argue with that logic," I agreed, clapping my hands together as Potter scowled angrily.

"But Ginny - "

"I said no, Harry."

***

After that, I began to look at her differently. I could tell that she disliked me still, just was not a fan of violence. I accepted that, but I began to want more than that. Strong dislike was the only emotion she ever showed me, and I wanted that changed so badly that I did something about it.

***

"What's the date of the next Hogsmeade weekend?" I muttered in Goyle's ear.

"Tomorrow," he asked, surprised. I nodded and left the table so nobody would ask why I had asked. As I did so, I spotted Goyle and Crabbe fighting over who would eat the rest of my food. It was really sickening, but I had other things on my mind. Like... her.

I knew where she would be. She always sat by the tree near the lake. So I walked over there, slowly deciding what I would say to her. As I approached her, however, all my plans were wiped clear from my mind and I was left looking incredibly foolish, shifting my light weight from foot to foot as I stood in front of the girl who made my nightmares end with a smile.

"What do you want?" she asked coldly, turning to Padma Patil. Padma, however, was not paying attention. Her eyes were focused on me, looking me up and down and deciding that she liked what she saw. Of course. Who wouldn't?

"Listen, I just wanted to - "

"Hex me?" Ginny asked. "No thanks. Padma?" she asked, turning to the Ravenclaw. Padma handed her a textbook, and Ginny read: '"When one witch or wizard saves the life of another witch or wizard, the saved one then owes his or her life to his or her savior. Should the saved injure the savior, or so says the legend of Gertrude the Gruesome, the saved who then becomes the injurer shall be cursed for his or her lifetime.'" She closed the book with a smirk. "The choice is yours, Malfoy. Go ahead and hex me, I don't care. At least I have a conscience."

"No - Ginny," I protested. "That wasn't what I came for." Padma took that opportunity to collect her textbook and leave, clearly misunderstanding.

"Oh?" she asked, her hair brushing my cheek as she leaned in closer. "What... then?" I faltered, trying to appear calm, cool, and collected. She noticed, of course, and continued taunting me. She leaned in even closer, so that our lips were almost touching. I could tell that she didn't really enjoy this, that she hated me and would have prefered to be jinxing me. But, of course, living with her accursed twin brothers must have taught her that in the end, revenge is sweet. I couldn't think of what I had done to deserve such harsh punishment. All my life, I had done as I was told, followed my father's orders and received punishment for when I did not. Surely nothing that I had done could amount to such torture, such taunting as the girl who lit up my nightmares tried to seduce me.

But I was Draco Malfoy, and in love with her or not, I would not fall for her trick. No. Matter. What.

"I don't know," I replied in a soft whisper, holding her and Apparating to a place behind the castle, behind the Forest, where nobody would find us. Two can play at that game, Ginevra Weasley, I thought to myself. "Why don't we... try... to figure... it out?" I asked, now my hair blowing into her face. I knew that she was uncomfortable, knew that she didn't want this and that this had never been her aim, but I wanted it, and as Father had always told me (but in more refined terms), I should always look out for Number One.

And I knew she wouldn't back out. But I noticed a tremble in her voice as she whispered in what she had meant as a seducing tone, "Okay." And so I came about receiving my first (and second, and third, etc, etc, etc.) kiss (unless you counted Pansy, which I did not). This was... different, somehow. I was kissing her passionately and fiercely, vowing to myself to make the best of this moment. I knew... knew that it was a dream, that I would wake up soon, but never before had I dreamt such a fantastic dream. I had dreamt of walking with her, dreamt of marrying her, but never before had I dreamed of kissing her.

And then, as if emerging from a trance, Ginny began to fight me. She's playing hard to get, I assured myself, but she didn't stop. She screamed, kicked me, and tried to find her wand, which I had grabbed so she would not fight me. Of course, I had clearly not done a thorough enough job.

So I did the only thing I could do. I kissed her, more passionately than before, and stifled her screams. Then I bound her to the ground, each hand and each leg bound to a separate boulder. By that time, I was no longer kissing her, but I had magically Silenced her. She squirmed and tried to escape, but I slapped her and she ceased fighting me.

"Good," I murmured. "That will make it all the more easy." She realized what I was going to do a minute before I began. I could see in her eyes that this was one act that she would never forgive me for committing. But if I wasted such an opportunity, I knew that I would never have such a chance again. So I did it. She hated it, yes, and did not fight me, but I knew... knew that I was destroying her inside.

Or was I?

When I finally was satisfied, Ginny seemed like a whole different person. Her brown eyes were now sparked with red, and she was petrified. She wouldn't move, which had made the experience essentially boring, but when I released her, she certainly moved. She cornered me against a tree, kicking me, but I only began mouthing the words of the Binding Spell before she stopped.

"Ginny," I breathed, realizing that she would now never be mine after what I had done. "I'm... I'm sorry." She looked at me with a do-you-really-think-I'm-that-stupid look and walked away.

She walked away as the old Ginny and never looked back.

* * *

Wish that I could see you again

Know that I can't

* * *

So, you ask, what happened next? Well, it was a little something like this...