Empathizing

Empathizing

I watched Ron.

When you're sitting in the Hogwarts grounds at midnight, there's not much you can do but watch each other. It makes it so special that you're alone with the person you love.

It's surreal too. There's something not quite right about it, like you're dreaming, and you know you'll never admit how you feel. When you're with them it's wonderful, when you're not you miss them, no matter how near they are to you. You cry over them because you know there's no way they'll feel the same way about you, you fantasize that they do and you want to kill yourself if they so much as talk to another girl.

Suddenly, Ron burst out,

'I'm so useless!'

I was shocked, that someone so wonderful, so magical could possibly find himself useless.

'What - why?' I choked out. He was sitting there, looking so serious in his too big maroon t-shirt and too small blue trousers. I was feeling self-conscious in my little green nightdress.

'I'm not good... at anything!' Ron said savagely. 'You and Harry are both so good, so clever - he's a hero, you're a genius - and all I can do is play Chess.'

I stared at Ron, flabbergasted. How long had he been keeping all this inside him?

'I can't play Quidditch, I'm stupid, I'm lazy, I'm poor, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm horrible, I've done nothing and Harry's saved the world a million times over! I hate myself.'

I thought I saw tears prickling at his eyes but he kept them down.

'Oh Ron,' I breathed. 'You're not useless.'

'I am,' he said angrily. 'I'm a self-pitying lowlife.'

'No,' I said shrilly. 'No! You're not! You're special! You're wonderful! You're brilliant at Chess, you're clever - you don't work at all and still do pretty well in school - you're not boring, you're the most interesting person I've ever - how can you call yourself ugly? You'll never be ugly. I won't deny you're self-pitying, but you are not a lowlife. And who cares if you're not rich - it doesn't matter!'

Ron stared at me as if he couldn't believe his ears.

'You - you really think all that?'

'Of course I do,' I said, my voice cracking. 'The only thing that's vaguely true there is that you're horrible.'

The light went out of Ron's eyes.

'Oh, gee thanks, Hermione,' he said sourly.

'Well, how do you think I feel?' I snapped. 'You and Harry leaving me out of everything? I'm not a genius, I only do well because I try hard! I'm the ugly one. I've got reason to hate myself.

'Sometimes I think,' I bit my lip, willing the tears not to fall, 'you don't even like me. You and Harry are always falling out with me and you don't care, you don't make the slightest effort to make up. You and Harry stopped talking for a few weeks and you were both pining for each other's company. You've both hated me for months on end and not even turned a hair! All you do, Ron, is insult me.'

'Bull,' Ron whispered. 'Absolute bull. You're a genius and you know it. You're beautiful. How d'you think I felt when me and Harry stopped talking? You spent all your time with him, then there was that article -'

'The article,' I laughed hollowly. 'Me and Harry, going out? Me and anyone?'

'But you kissed him -'

'You know what makes me mad, Ron?' I shouted. 'When people don't realise what's staring - them - in - the - face!

'Well, me too!' shouted Ron. 'I thought I'd made it plain, then you went and kissed Harry goodbye at the end of fourth year and left me to watch!'

'Made it p- I don't know what you're talking about, Ron Weasley! Felt left out because you didn't get a kiss? Try living like I do! Remember first year? Third year? You want a kiss, Ron? YOU WANT A KISS?'

Intoxicated with fury, I pushed him over on to his back so I lay on top of him and gave him a long, harsh kiss on the lips. I don't know why, but it was just something I'd wanted to do for so long and it was just so bizarre, so magical - he was kissing me back.

Suddenly I came to my senses. I leapt off him as if he was on fire, sure that I was scarlet from my head to my toes.

'Oh - gosh - sorry,' I stammered and ran off. I don't know where I was headed for. But Ron's a fast runner and I'm desperately unfit - he grabbed my shoulder just as I reached the lake and pulled me down. I struggled like mad, desperately avoiding his eyes. To keep me still he ended up straddling my stomach, holding my hands down. Unwillingly, I looked into his eyes.

'I thought I'd made it plain,' he whispered, 'that I wanted you to do that a long time ago.' He lowered his head and we were kissing again.

It was slower this time but somehow it sped up and I don't know how long we were out there, just kissing. When daylight began to arrive Ron paused for a moment.

'Remember,' he whispered. 'I love you. Just the way you are.'

'And I love you,' I whispered. 'Low self esteem and everything else.'