To Want to Live: Severus

To Want to Live- Severus

by: Message in a Bottle

Severus ran a hand through his filthy greasy hair and cursed Dumbledore in every way he knew how. That old fool! That old idiotic meddlesome fool. Hadn't Severus suffered enough for that man? Didn't Dumbledore know when to quit? The last refuge he had from the world was about to be taken away and all Dumbledore could do was twinkle at him. He wasn't twinkling as much as he had before Black had died. Oh no. Potter was in pain and Dumbledore was in pain because of it. How pathetic.

Severus spat on the ground. Black's timely death wasn't an event to feel pity for. Who cared if the man had died? His very existence had caused nothing but trouble for the entire Order and his death should be seen as a blessing. Who cared if Potter liked him? Potter’s obsession with Black just showed how much like his father he really was. Black was a professed murderer, even lamenting that his wonderful prank hadn’t worked, and the brat didn’t even care. It didn’t matter what Dumbledore kept trying to tell him. He knew better. Harry Potter was just like his father.

And now, because of Black's death and Kreacher's betrayal, Grimmauld Place couldn't be safely used. Kreacher couldn't be trusted and Dumbledore wouldn't kill him. Another place was needed and Severus's house, blast it all, was the only quickly available safe place. His one refuge. The only refuge Severus had ever known was about to be taken away from him and Dumbledore didn't even have the decency to say he was sorry. All Dumbledore could think about was Potter and Potter's pain. Nothing else mattered to him. What else was new? Dumbledore could never look beyond his precious Gryffindors. They were all that mattered to him and everyone else's only duty in life was to be sacrificed for their happiness.

Severus looked around his small home and while Dumbledore had promised they would only use the end room Severus wasn't fooled. No one trusted him and the opportunity to look through his home would be too much for the likes of Moody and Shacklebolt. Severus was going to have to leave. Find another place. He wasn't staying and he wasn't telling Dumbledore he wasn't staying.

It was about time Severus stopped fooling himself into thinking Dumbledore would ever care. This year had proved that beyond doubt. Dumbledore never would. No matter how much Severus suffered and bled for him. Dumbledore would never care. He was a Slytherin and Dumbledore hated Slytherins as did everyone else in the world.

He needed to find somewhere else to go and soon. Potter was getting close to killing the Dark Lord and Severus would need somewhere to run to when that happened. He wasn't stupid enough, anymore, to believe Dumbledore would want him around when his usefulness was up. Once the Dark Lord was gone Dumbledore would have no need for him and dispose of him like the trash Dumbledore thought he was.

Severus got up from his chair and sent his trunk flying towards him. The trunk was designed to magically get more compartments as Severus acquired more stuff in case he ever had to pack up his belongings in a hurry and flee. Severus just never thought he would have to use it.

His things were carelessly dropped in until he started to pack away his Dark Arts collection. Those Severus carefully and tenderly packed away. Why didn't Dumbledore give him the DADA position? He was more than qualified. Didn't Dumbledore trust him? He trusted him when it came to the Dark Lord but obviously that was the extent of it. Did Dumbledore really believe he had anything to fear from Severus? It didn't matter if Severus did become a Dark Wizard or even a Dark Lord. To be a threat one needed followers and Severus was not the sort of person to gain followers. He was universally despised and hated and Dumbledore was a blind idiot not to see it.

When the Dark Lord was gone, when Dumbledore disposed of him, Severus could retreat back to whatever safe place he had found and sink himself into the Dark Arts for the rest of his days. No one would ever bother him again. Not a single person would ever come looking for him. He would be safe. And Severus would finally be respected when he did become a Dark Wizard and showed the world that he did deserve to exist despite what the likes of Potter and Black may have thought.

Severus magicked his trunk to float before him and walked out of his home. The garden that surrounded it would have to be tended to so Dumbledore didn't get suspicious. The well would have to be kept in use also. Dumbledore would be easy to fool. Maybe Severus wouldn't tend to the garden and see if Dumbledore ever noticed. Severus snorted. That would never happen and it was about time to quit lying to himself. Dumbledore simply did not care and no amount of blood and sweat would ever change that.

At least Black was dead. Severus allowed himself to sneer. Pettigrew was a traitor, James Potter was dead, Black was dead, and Lupin was a friendless unwanted werewolf. How hard and far did the mighty sometimes fall. It served them all right. Every single one of them. Too bad Lupin hadn't died the same night Black had. Maybe he would, eventually. And Pettigrew too.

An owl. Severus blinked as Dumbledore's owl flew up to him. It landed on his floating trunk and stuck its leg out for Severus to take the letter off. What did that old man want now?

Irritated, Severus took the letter, ignored the owl taking off (he never gave the blasted thing treats) and ripped it open. The letter, after Severus had finished reading, slowly fell through his numb fingers and onto the ground. Not now. Not ever. Hadn't Dumbledore tormented him enough? Hadn't he gone through enough for that old fool? Why this?