- Rating:
- PG
- House:
- The Dark Arts
- Characters:
- Lily Evans Remus Lupin
- Genres:
- Angst Romance
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Prizoner of Azkaban
- Stats:
-
Published: 01/14/2003Updated: 06/11/2003Words: 2,600Chapters: 2Hits: 945
More Than You'll Ever Know
Melanija
- Story Summary:
- Remus Lupin reflects on the life of Lily Evans-Potter and the major impact it had on him.
Chapter 01
- Posted:
- 01/14/2003
- Hits:
- 624
- Author's Note:
- This is a Remus/Lily fic, but I think it is L/J-er friendly. I may write other chapters, from the perspectives of Lily and James, if anyone wants me to. Dedicated to those aboard the SS MoonPetals.
When he learned of Lily's death, he went numb. At that moment, he could not imagine ever feeling any emotion ever again. She was gone, and nothing mattered anymore.
Days later, he felt emotion again. Anger. Rage.
Grief.
She had been his life. Nothing in the world mattered more to him than her. His was a pathetic existence. He had nothing because of his reaction to the full moon. All he had was her, and now, she was gone.
She had not been his for years now. He had turned her away. He loved her enough to cast her aside, to force her to find someone better, someone she deserved. He couldn't ask her to stay with him, and she was far too loyal to abandon him for what she considered a trivial reason.
But she was still there. She was happy, eventually, and that made him happy. He learned to live with this arrangement, being her friend while she made a life with another man, a man he considered his brother. He could appreciate her without being in a romantic relationship with her. His feelings for her were deeper than that.
It is not to say that he put her up on a pedestal, that she was a goddess to him. No, she had her flaws, but he loved her for them. She was too short, too skinny, too smart. She always had to be right. Her robes were always too big and her fingers were perpetually stained with ink.
She was real.
She was the only real thing he ever had. Most of his life was spent off in a dreamworld. He would loose himself in books to escape the troubles around him. He often imagined a better life, a life in which he wasn't a…in which he wasn't what he was.
But Lily Evans was real. Most people would call her ordinary, save for her intelligence and magical ability, but to him, she was special. She was his sanity. She kept him in the real world.
She kept him alive.
He wasn't dramatic enough to ever kill himself. But death haunts even those who still breathe and walk amongst the living. And when she died, most of him went with her. The connection he had with her was that strong.
The first time he saw Lily, she was soaking wet and shivering. Of course, so was the rest of the new first-year class, thanks to the storm that raged as they crossed the lake to Hogwarts for the first time. But Lily was different; he recognized it even then. He thought she looked sweet, but he had been only eleven at the time, and not very knowledgeable about such matters.
The last time he saw Lily, she was soaking wet and shivering. In retrospect, he should have realized then that he would never see her again. They had gone full circle. She stood in his doorway and looked up at him with those eyes. He told her she was crazy for going out in the storm. She only shook her head.
She came into the entranceway and told him what she and James were doing. He scolded her, telling her that the more people who knew about their plans, the more danger she was in, and that James would be furious if he knew what she was doing.
"I had to say good-bye," she whispered.
He told her that it wasn't good-bye, that he would see her again. Voldemort would be defeated. He promised her he would be. But Lily still looked sad. Miserable. She threw her arms around his neck and buried her face against his chest. He put his arms around her waist and inhaled the familiar scent of her hair.
He did not know how long they stayed like that. They eventually separated. She moved towards the door. But before she opened it, she turned to him.
"I love you, Remus. Remember that," she said. "I love James, in a different way, and I love our son and the life we have, but that doesn't change what I feel for you."
He let his guard down. He forgot that they were no longer together, and that she was a married woman. He felt as though they were the way they had been. "I love you, too, Lily. More than you will ever know."
She looked at him for a moment before opening the door and stepping out into the rain. He couldn't bring himself to watch her walk away.
Days later, he felt emotion again. Anger. Rage.
Grief.
She had been his life. Nothing in the world mattered more to him than her. His was a pathetic existence. He had nothing because of his reaction to the full moon. All he had was her, and now, she was gone.
She had not been his for years now. He had turned her away. He loved her enough to cast her aside, to force her to find someone better, someone she deserved. He couldn't ask her to stay with him, and she was far too loyal to abandon him for what she considered a trivial reason.
But she was still there. She was happy, eventually, and that made him happy. He learned to live with this arrangement, being her friend while she made a life with another man, a man he considered his brother. He could appreciate her without being in a romantic relationship with her. His feelings for her were deeper than that.
It is not to say that he put her up on a pedestal, that she was a goddess to him. No, she had her flaws, but he loved her for them. She was too short, too skinny, too smart. She always had to be right. Her robes were always too big and her fingers were perpetually stained with ink.
She was real.
She was the only real thing he ever had. Most of his life was spent off in a dreamworld. He would loose himself in books to escape the troubles around him. He often imagined a better life, a life in which he wasn't a…in which he wasn't what he was.
But Lily Evans was real. Most people would call her ordinary, save for her intelligence and magical ability, but to him, she was special. She was his sanity. She kept him in the real world.
She kept him alive.
He wasn't dramatic enough to ever kill himself. But death haunts even those who still breathe and walk amongst the living. And when she died, most of him went with her. The connection he had with her was that strong.
The first time he saw Lily, she was soaking wet and shivering. Of course, so was the rest of the new first-year class, thanks to the storm that raged as they crossed the lake to Hogwarts for the first time. But Lily was different; he recognized it even then. He thought she looked sweet, but he had been only eleven at the time, and not very knowledgeable about such matters.
The last time he saw Lily, she was soaking wet and shivering. In retrospect, he should have realized then that he would never see her again. They had gone full circle. She stood in his doorway and looked up at him with those eyes. He told her she was crazy for going out in the storm. She only shook her head.
She came into the entranceway and told him what she and James were doing. He scolded her, telling her that the more people who knew about their plans, the more danger she was in, and that James would be furious if he knew what she was doing.
"I had to say good-bye," she whispered.
He told her that it wasn't good-bye, that he would see her again. Voldemort would be defeated. He promised her he would be. But Lily still looked sad. Miserable. She threw her arms around his neck and buried her face against his chest. He put his arms around her waist and inhaled the familiar scent of her hair.
He did not know how long they stayed like that. They eventually separated. She moved towards the door. But before she opened it, she turned to him.
"I love you, Remus. Remember that," she said. "I love James, in a different way, and I love our son and the life we have, but that doesn't change what I feel for you."
He let his guard down. He forgot that they were no longer together, and that she was a married woman. He felt as though they were the way they had been. "I love you, too, Lily. More than you will ever know."
She looked at him for a moment before opening the door and stepping out into the rain. He couldn't bring himself to watch her walk away.