Sirius Issues

"I can't believe you got us another detention, Sirius, "grumbled James. "We're supposed to be sly and never get caught."

"You're blaming me for this?"shrieked Sirius. "Remus is the one who kept clearing his throat and making all those ungodly coughing noises!"

"You are not going to pin this on me, "said Remus. "I offered to stay in the common room, remember? Because I had a cold and couldn't stop coughing? Besides, you tripped over Mrs. Norris, and the resulting yowl is what got us caught!"

"No, it was Peter who tripped over Mrs. Norris. I tripped on the Invisibility Cloak, "snapped Sirius.

"Yeah, well, if you hadn't, Filch wouldn't have seen us, and we wouldn't have got caught,"declared James.

"If Filch hadn't been there in the first place, he wouldn't have seen us, "retorted Sirius.

"What does it matter whose fault it is?"snapped Remus. "We're looking at three or four hours of polishing these trophies no matter who got us caught, so will you both please shut up?"

"No, dammit, "growled Sirius. "I want someone to blame!"

"You're pathetic, Sirius, "said James disgustedly.

"How am I any more pathetic than you?"demanded Sirius.

"You're both pathetic!"yelled Remus.

"I thought I was the pathetic one, "yawned Peter.

They all smiled complacently at Peter, then glared at each other.

"Prove that I'm pathetic, "challenged James.

"Alright,"said Sirius. "Reason number one: you have an Invisibility cloak and yet you get caught every time you try to go anywhere under it."

"I do not! And when I do, it's because you're with me!"protested James.

"Reason number two: you like Lily Evans and can't even say two decent sentences to her, "continued Sirius, ignoring James' protest.

"No, I don't!"

"Puh-lease. You get goggle-eyed every time you see her, "snorted Remus.

"Reason number third: you chose a deer for your Animagus transformation."

"So?"

"Reason number four: you don't like pumpkin juice."

"How does that make me pathetic?"

"Reason number five: you snore."

"So do you!"

"Reason number six: you saved Snape's life."

"Not intentionally!"

"Reason number--"

"Enough!"interrupted James. "Now I'll tell you why you're pathetic."

"Alright. Tell away, "grinned Sirius lazily.

"Reason number one: you suck at Quidditch, "began James.

"The game bores me, "sighed Sirius.

"Reason number two: you are obsessed with dogs."

"Dogs rule,"said Sirius indignantly.

"Reason number three: you like Muggle pop music."

"Music soothes the nerves, "declared Sirius.

"Reason number four: you never comb your hair."

"I like my hair like this, thank you very much, "said Sirius comfortably, patting his black tangles fondly.

"Reason number five: you think Lily is ugly."

"No, I just said she wasn't attractive to me, "yawned Sirius.

"Reason number six: you like raw oysters."

Sirius only smacked his lips.

"Reason number seven: you never take the blame for anything."

"But things are so rarely my fault, "protested Sirius in an injured tone.

"Reason number eight: you are in love with Narcissa."

"She's hot, what can I say?"

"Reason number nine: you look like Snape."

"Hmmm, you're right. That is rather pathetic, "mused Sirius.

"This conversation is pathetic!"burst out Remus.

"How about we list the reasons why Remus is pathetic?"suggested Sirius.

"Alright, "agreed James amiably.

"He's sickly, "said Sirius.

"He writes poetry, "said James.

"He likes doing homework."

"He has big feet."

"Okay, now that was a stupid reason, "said Remus, greatly amused.

"He likes Divination."

"Were we supposed to do anything here?"asked Peter suddenly.

"We're supposed to be polishing the silver, "James reminded them all.

They all began polishing vigorously.

"You know I'm just kidding, right Sirius?"said James.

"Yeah, I know, "smiled Sirius. "You know I'm not, right?"

"Shut up, "grinned James.

"Padfoot, you have some serious issues, "remarked Remus.

"Of course I do, Moony old chap, I am Sirius, after all, so I would have Sirius issues, wouldn't I?"

"That's not what I meant,"said Remus grumpily.

"I've got it!"said James. "Let's list the reasons why Snape is pathetic!"

The other two agreed readily.