Do This For Me

"Do this for me, Remus. Please?"

Remus Lupin woke up in a cold sweat. The nightmares had been constant since Sirius disappeared behind that ragged veil, almost six months ago. Everything changed that day at the Ministry. Everything Remus lived for had been ripped away. He still wondered why he hadn't died that day too. Surely his heart was shattered enough. But what a stubborn heart it was. Though his grief was enormous, and almost overwhelming, it never consumed him. Except in the nightmares. That was when his true feelings of despair and loneliness took form.

However, over the last few months the dreams had changed. Instead of seeing Sirius' body falling, ever falling, he saw Sirius sitting at the dinner table. At first, taken back by this, Remus didn't know how to react. But Sirius had smiled that dashing smile of his and beckoned Remus to sit. He and Sirius sat down together, as if they were sitting down for their daily tea, and they talked. Just talked. It had been like that ever since.

They would talk of James and Lily. Harry. Their years at Hogwarts, and their budding romance. Times of pain and suffering. Doubts and misery. A beautiful reunion. Another bitter loss.

Tonight's, though, was even more unusual. Instead of talking about old days, Sirius had turned the topic to his cousin Tonks. Of course Remus had seen her eyes upon him when she thought he wasn't looking. Sure, Remus noticed how sad and miserable Tonks was getting. He knew she felt partially responsible for Sirius' death. But, none of that was Remus' fault. Why was it suddenly his responsibility to watch over the clumsy girl?

But Sirius had requested it. Could he deny his dead lover's final wish?

"Stop it," Remus told himself aloud in their dark bedroom. He couldn't believe he was actually entertaining the idea. He had one love, now and forever, and it was Sirius. Even when it was hard to love him, when Remus thought Sirius to be a murderer, those feelings still remained. And if it was strong enough to go through a trial of that measure, Remus was sure his love for Sirius would never leave.

"Ridiculous," he muttered. Snuggling back under the blanket and grabbing Sirius' fluffy pillow, Remus drifted into uneasy sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus found himself sitting at the dinner table, Sirius Black sitting opposite him. By now, Remus could tell what was dream and what reality. He knew that he could only see Sirius in his dreams. Still, it did not make him any less eager to see his lover again.

"Remus, she needs you," Sirius said before Remus could utter a greeting.

"I... what?"

"She needs you. Tonks."

Remus frowned at his lover. "You're not going to bring that up again, are you?"

"She's dying. Only you can save her."

"There's nothing I can do."

"She's in love with you."

Remus could hardly contain his shock at such a statement. If Remus had discovered another person in love with Sirius, his Sirius, he would never be able to say it with such ease. "Well, I'm in love with you, if you hadn't noticed," he scowled. He couldn't help but feel hurt by Sirius' words. "Do you think my heart is so wavering? Do you think it's possible for me to forget the one person I've longed for since our time at Hogwarts? The person I loved even when I believed him to be a murderer? A love that strong doesn't vanish overnight. Or, at least not for me."

Remus' words had his desired affect: Sirius' light grey eyes sparkled with pain. Feeling immediately guilty, Remus sighed. He knew that comment was a bit too much. Opening his mouth to apologize, Sirius held up a hand, calling for silence.

"I'm not asking you to give up on me, Moony. I know you love me, as you know I love you. That will never go away. But, she's dying. You can save her. She needs someone to look out for her and take care of her. She needs... you." The last came out as a whisper.

"I won't do it," Remus said, ignoring the emotion in Sirius' eyes. "I don't love her. I never will."

"I'm not asking you to love her. I'm asking you to save her. She's my blood. My kin. My favorite cousin. Remus, I can't just sit idle and watch her die. Not when there's a way to prevent it. Please Moony? Please, my Love? Do it for me?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus sat up straight in bed; his face was wet. "No," he told the empty room. "I will not do it. It's wrong. It doesn't matter how much she needs me, I don't love her. To make her believe I do would be a crime. What if she found out the truth, Sirius?" It took Remus a moment to realize Sirius wasn't going to answer him. And when he did, his eyes refilled with tears. With a shake of his head, Remus forced down his ache. It did no good to cry anymore.

Maybe all he needed to do was make Tonks believe he was no good for her. A plan forming in his mind, it was quite awhile before Remus found sleep again that night.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dumbledore had just left Number 12, Grimmuld Place, along with most of the Order members. Of course, Tonks had stayed behind to have dinner with Remus. She was looking worse than ever. Her brown hair fell aimlessly in front of her red and swollen eyes, which seemed even more distinct by her pale face.

"I'm sorry, Remus," she said, diggling her soup spoon without taking a bite.

"Quiet, Tonks." Remus was already annoyed with her apologies. "I've told you already, there's nothing for you to be sorry for."

"But you loved him." Remus' eyes widened. Did she know about the two of them? "He was one of your closest friends. And now he's... gone."

Remus sighed. Of course she didn't know they had been lovers. Too bad, Remus thought. It would make this so much easier.

"Yes, he is. But apologizing won't bring him back."

"You're right. I just... I'm... ... I know you miss him."

"We all miss him, Tonks."

Silence fell between them. Remus had thought hard about what to say to her long into the night. Time to act.

"You know, Tonks," he began in a light and casual voice, "it's terrible to be a werewolf. I can't be around anyone for the whole week before. I get too temperamental and sometimes take on wolf-ish qualities. And then on the night of full moon, I need to be completely alone. There can't be anyone then either. I mean, if someone was in the next room Moo... I mean, the wolf part of me will be able to sense it. I'd break down the door. I'd do everything in my power to kill that person."

If it was possible, Tonk's face turned a paler shade of white. "B...but there's the wolfsbane potion. I... I thought that helped."

"We'll it does. But it's a very complex potion to make. Very volatile. One small mistake and the whole thing'll blow. I could never make it myself." Tonks opened her mouth to talk but Remus rolled right on. "Yes, Snape knows how, but he's go too much to do right now, according to Dumbledore. And I don't know anyone else good enough at potions."

Tonks was quite for a few minutes. When she finally spoke, her voice still quivered. "Why are you saying all this Remus?"

"Just that I'm glad I have this house alone. I'm glad that I have my solitude again. I know you and Molly have been worrying about me. And I want you to know you don't have to. This is the way I like things. I like to be by myself."

"So you're glad Sirius is gone?" Tonks asked with unshed tears in her eyes. Remus had to fight back his own tears at the thought of it.

"No."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I won't do it. I'll never betray you like that. I'd rather the whole world die than to even pretend to love anyone else. Do you understand me?"

"No, I don't believe you. You're heart is too big, my love. You would never sacrifice an innocent life. I know how pure you are on the inside."

"Pure?" Remus scoffed. "I'm darker than black on the inside, and you know it. The darkness is almost consuming. And it's been like that since I was first bit."

"You are not dark. It's Moony who is. He may be a part of you, but he isn't you."

The mention of Moony stirred a memory. "You know, this evening when Tonks was eating dinner with me, I almost called myself Moony. I mean, I caught myself before it came out, but still. It's a funny thought, isn't it? That the four of us had a name for my other persona?"

"I don't think it odd at all. In fact, I envied you. That's why I insisted we make up names for ourselves as well."

"You told me you just always hated your own name, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned ruefully. "Well, that's part of it." His mood suddenly sobered. "But, that you almost slipped in front of Tonks might mean something. Maybe you're starting to consider her as one of the gang."

"That'll never happen," Remus growled. "She's no Marauder. She can never replace you. No matter how hard you try to convince me, it's not going to happen."

"Please?"

Remus remained silent and looked away. He wouldn't even argue anymore. The idea was too ridiculous.

"Please Moony?"

Silence

"If you loved me, you would."

A glare on his face, Remus turned to his lover. "How dare you! How dare you use that as a method to get what you want! I can't believe you are the one suggesting this. You were the one who was so insistent that it was fate. That it would be just the two of us forever. Now you want me to love another? You have no right to even suggest a thing!"

Sirius sighed a low sigh. "You are absolutely right. I have no right to ask this. I don't even want to ask this. But this goes beyond what I want. It's Tonks I'm worried about right now. Remus, you can go on without me." Sirius held up a hand to cut off Remus interruption. "You've done it before, you can do it again."

"I'll have you know," Remus said through gritted teeth, "that loosing you the first time nearly killed me. It's not so easy to move on after something like that."

"The point I'm making is that you are strong enough. Tonks needs someone strong. She needs you!"

"This is absurd! I refuse to have this conversation again, Sirius."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Do you mind if I stay awhile, Remus?" Tonks asked with downcast eyes.

"Do what you want," Remus snapped. He knew he shouldn't take his anger out on her. It wasn't her fault Sirius was trying to set them up from beyond the grave. However, maybe it was her fault for liking him in the first place. "I mean, sure, go ahead."

Tonks took a seat at the table and sipped slowly on her tea. Grabbing his own tea cup, Remus took the seat opposite her.

"Sometimes I see him dying in my dreams," Tonks said out of the blue. Remus nearly choked mid-swallow. "I see him falling, over and over again. I wake up and can't go to sleep for the rest of the night. It's been getting worse lately. I think... I think I'm the one to blame. I think Sirius knows that too. Maybe..." she sniffed a little, "maybe I let him down."

"No," Remus said soothingly. "Sirius was never the type to let others take responsibility for his actions. He would never believe you let him down. You know, he was very proud of you, Tonks."

"Really?" Her eyes sparkled with hope.

"Yes. He spoke of you often. It made him proud that someone of Black decent was finally a Dark Wizard catcher instead of just a Dark Wizard."

Tonks smiled into her cup of tea. The first time he'd seen her smile in days. It faded quickly. "Some Auror I turned out to be."

"You did your best. That's all that can be expected of you."

"I should've done more. I should've helped more."

"There was nothing you could have done. I know, I wanted to do more too. But we did what we could. I wish, God I wish, things had turned out differently, but they didn't. Blaming yourself, and dragging it out like this is only going to cause you harm. I lost Sirius once before, when he went to Azkaban. The pain remained there everyday, but still I moved on."

Tonks laughed a bitter laugh. "Moved on, Remus? I know for a fact that you have never been the same since James and Lily died. Mom talks about it a lot. She said it was more than just loosing James, Lily, and Peter. She said that you loosing Sirius was the worst. She said Sirius was the one person you couldn't live without."

"Why would she say that?" Remus kept his voice level, but his suspicion was raised. Why would Andromeda talk about something like that? And why would Tonks bring it up now?

"Because Sirius was the one who rescued you. They didn't know it at the time, but once they found out about you being a werewolf, and about the others being animagi... Well, they said that Sirius was a dog, and that he helped you the most. That the others couldn't have kept you in rein. It was always Sirius. Mom said that the transformations were probably easier when Sirius was around. And when he went to Azkaban, she said you had to have missed Sirius the most."

"It's true," but not for those reasons. "The wolf is... was... more attuned to Sirius. But none of that matters in the long run. I had eight years of transformations by myself before Sirius became an animagus. And almost thirteen when he was in Azkaban. I can manage on my own."

"I'm not so sure, Remus. I think... I think you need someone. You know, to look out for you and look over you. Someone to take care of you now."

"I don't need anyone." He knew his voice was cold, but he didn't change it. "I'm fine by myself and I've always been fine by myself. I've no need for anyone. Not anymore."

"But..." Remus cut her off by standing to his feet. Without another word he walked out of the kitchen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Please," he sobbed, "please, Padfoot, don't put me through this. Please, just let me die right now, then you and I could be together again. I don't want to live anymore. I can't live without you."

Remus felt Sirius' fingers stroke his hair as he wept in Sirius' lap. It hurt so much. Having Tonks around him so often, and her bringing up Sirius most of the time, it was taking it toll on him. And with Sirius pushing him into a relationship with Tonks. He couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't keep it up anymore. He cried sad, bitter tears onto Sirius' rugged robe.

"Hush, hush, Moony," Sirius whispered softly. "Everything will be alright."

"How can it be alright? You're gone Sirius. You left me again. How could you leave me? You promised you'd never leave me again. You promised you'd never hurt me again. Why? Why do you always hurt me?"

"I don't mean to. God, I've never meant to hurt you, Remus. Never. If there was some way to go back and change things, believe me, there would be a lot to change. I've made so many mistakes, most of which concern you. I'm sorry it turned out this way, but what's done is done. I can't change them."

This statement sent Remus into more hysterical sobs. His whole world was gone. Honestly, what was the point of living?

"Someone has to watch over Harry," Sirius said, as if reading his mind. "You're the only one capable of protecting him now. He needs guidance. I know it was never a job you wanted, but it's fallen to you anyway. So, there is a point for you to live, Moony. You need to watch over our godson. And, you need to save Tonks."

Remus howled with pain. "NO! I won't do either! Harry was never my responsibility! Tonks will never be my responsibility! You were my responsibility and I failed! I won't be entrusted with anyone else. Never."

"Don't you know, Moony, that you were the one person I ever wanted to watch out for me? When James would tell me to be careful, I never listened. When my parents told me to do things, I didn't care. It was you who got me to trust. I am so very glad I was your responsibility, and that you were mine. I could never be in more capable hands. And that's why I'm trusting you now, Remus. Why I need you to save Tonks. No one else has the power."

Remus just shook his head. There was no way what Sirius said could be true. Remus could never be in charge of another. He knew he was never in charge of Sirius. Sirius did want he wanted to do, without any thought of others. And Remus liked it that way. It was the way Sirius was. His nature. And Remus loved him just the way he was.

"I'm not lying. Please, Remus, don't make me beg anymore. You know I hate it."

Remus sat up angrily. "Well, I hate you trying to make me date another person! I miss you so much, Sirius, but I'm not coming back to this dream if this is all you have to say to me."

"Fine."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"No wait." Remus sat up in bed, the blanket falling to the floor. "I was just bluffing. Sirius. What are you doing? Why... why are you doing this?" Remus fell into muffled sobs against him pillow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tonks stayed for dinner the following night. Remus was getting used to her company, but in no way beginning to like it.

"One time," Tonks said, almost brightly, halfway through the meal, "Sirius came over for a day during summer. He was probably 20 at the time. It was about the time Lily and James got married. But he stopped by to see Mom and Dad and he was so happy. He came up to my room and just smiled as he talked to me. I was probably seven at the time and I hadn't seen him in such a long time, it was shocking. Last I saw he was still miserable from moving away from home. He never smiled like I saw him smiling that day.

"You know, he talked about you a lot too, that day. He said that he was hanging out with you a lot more than James. You know, since James had Lily, he said he didn't want to be a third wheel. He also said that Peter wasn't around much, so it was just the two of you. He sounded like he didn't want it any other way."

"Yes, we did see a lot of each other, then." They had practically been living together. Sure, they both had separate houses, but there was hardly a night they didn't spend in each other's arms, no matter the location.

"I think... I'll remember Sirius that way. Him smiling and happy. I don't want to remember him here, at Grimmuld Place, depressed and alone."

"He wasn't alone," Remus said before he could stop himself. "Since he escaped from Azkaban, he's never been alone." He refrained from saying more. He wasn't even alone then. My love was still with him, as terrible as it was.

"I didn't mean it like that, Remus," Tonks said gently. "I just mean, he was happier then. I think we were all happier then. And, I'd like to see you that happy too. I don't think I've ever seen you smile. Maybe once or twice for Sirius, but I want to see a genuine smile."

"It's difficult to smile anymore."

"I know it's in there Remus. You can't hide it forever."

"My heart has no reason to smile. My soul has no reason to smile. Everything I've ever know has been taken away from me. I would be fine if I never smiled again."

"Remus," Tonks said sadly, "you're not alone either. I mean, Sirius is in our hearts, as are James and Lily and all who went on before us. More than that, I'm here. I... I'm here for you, Remus. And I'll never leave." Tonks quickly shut her mouth. She obviously said more than she intended. Since she had come right out and said something so bold, Remus knew he couldn't ignore her advances anymore. He had to confront them.

"Tonks--"

"I'm sorry, Remus. I said too much. Please forgive me."

"Tonks. Listen. There are a few things I think we should talk about. First, I am quite a few years older than you."

"Age doesn't matter," she mumbled.

"And if that weren't enough, I am a werewolf. People like me can't have normal lives. Not under any circumstances is this going to work."

"But Remus," her voice shook, "I don't care about the age difference. I can handle you being a werewolf. I... I think it can work."

Remus heaved a sigh. He had to come right out and say it. "No. I am not willing to put anyone at risk. No," he said more firmly as she began to argue. "I cannot do it, Tonks. I'm sorry."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Sirius?" Remus called across the empty kitchen. "Sirius? Are you here?" Remus sat down at the table. "I told Tonks no, Sirius. Can you here me? I told her I won't date her or have anything to do with her. I think she took it pretty well. You know, I think you were wrong. I think she'll be just fine without me. She seems to be getting better anyway. And I think, even though I turned her down, she'll still get better. Are you listening? Sirius?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus stared at the ceiling for a long time after waking. He didn't have the strength to move, nor the desire. Sirius hadn't shown up the whole night. The mental exhaustion of staying in the dream for so long made Remus' head ache, but the emotional pain was much worse. Why hadn't Sirius shown up? Because Remus had snapped at him the last time? Because Remus hadn't accepted Tonks' love? Sirius would never do something like that. However, Sirius would never had wanted Remus to see Tonks in the first place.

Knowing it was late in the afternoon, Remus reluctantly got out of their bed. There was an Order meeting that evening and he had to be clean and collected before he could attend. In sort of a daze, he got in the shower, washed, and dressed. By the time he was in his robes, his mild nature was back. And, he was pretty sure he could maintain it for the rest of the night. Remus was a master of putting on false faces.

The meeting passed with little incident. Dumbledore was talking about Harry trying to get a memory for Slughorn. Something about Voldemort and Horcruxes. That was old news. For some reason, his eyes kept drifting to Tonks. Her eyes looked sunken and glazed over. Maybe she wasn't taking it as well as he thought.

Tonks didn't stay for dinner that night. Nor any night the next week. Remus was happy for that, however Sirius didn't show up in the dream either. Were the two connected? Somehow Remus knew the answer. He knew Sirius wouldn't ever show up again, unless... But Remus wasn't going to do it. Even if it meant never seeing Sirius again? Could he handle that?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Where are you Sirius? Please, come out? Please, Padfoot? I miss you. Please? Sirius!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over two months had passed since Sirius disappeared. Every night, Remus waited at the table and every night he was disappointed. The heartache was devastating. How could his only love abandon him?

"Sirius," Remus whispered hoarsely into the dark, empty room, "I'll do it. If I have to... just to see you again. Promise you'll see me in my dreams? Will you promise me that, Sirius? I'll do anything for you. Anything just to touch your hair, your skin, your lips."

He knew it did no good to talk to the darkness in their bedroom, but he was sure, somewhere, Sirius was listening. In fact, he knew this was Sirius' plan all along.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus sagged against the door as he closed it behind him. Snape, his mind burned with anger. Damn you Snape. You took everything away. Everything I ever held dear. Because tonight, Remus found out the truth. It was Snape who had heard Trelawney's prediction. It was Snape who told Voldemort he had to kill Harry. It was Snape who took James' and Lily's young lives. Remus sobbed silently to himself.

What's more, Snape took Sirius. Snape's taunting and sneering left Sirius so frustrated and irrational. It was what made him so reckless. What made him go to the ministry that day. It was Snape.

And now... Dumbledore. Remus still couldn't believe it possible. How could such a great and powerful man succumb to Snape's trap? How could Dumbledore even trusted him in the first place? Now, Dumbledore was gone. And Snape was to blame for that too.

What were they to do now? How was Harry supposed to win without that powerful of an ally? Was it doomed now? Was there any hope left at all?

"Of course there's hope, my love. There's always hope."

Remus raised his head from the floor and looked into the face of Sirius Black. The past two months anger just vanished as Sirius embraced him. They both wept, holding tight to each other.

"Sirius," Remus finally choked out, "how are you here?"

"You're asleep, Moony. You fell asleep on the floor by the front door."

"And you know about..."

"Yes."

"And, did you hear me yesterday? About Tonks? I said I'd do it."

"I heard. That's why I'm here. As long as you help Tonks, I'll be here, Remus."

"That's so mean of you, Sirius," Remus muttered, still holding Sirius as close as possible. "I've needed you the past two months and you only came when I did what you wanted. How can you be like that? How can you treat me this way?"

"I did what was necessary, to save the life of my cousin. Remus, you're an only child, and all your family's gone. I don't expect you to understand how it is to have siblings, and cousins, aunts and uncles. Family is important, and those bonds are important. I'm sorry you were never able to experience that."

"I did. With you. But now, I'm not so sure. Not if you're just using me."

"I'm sorry. I was using you. But, you were the only one who could. Just wait, you'll see. You just have to trust me."

"I do, Sirius. I've always trusted you. Even to my own downfall."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sirius stayed in the empty room after Remus disappeared. It hurt so much to see his lover with someone else, but it was necessary. Though Remus didn't know it, Sirius was privileged with insight the living couldn't have. And this was the only way for either of them to live on. As much as it hurt, he would not have Remus die for him. He would not let Remus waste away from exhaustion and loneliness. No, this was the only way for him to continue. Tears trickled down Sirius' cheeks. It was the only way.