Father of Mine

Father of mine
tell me where have you been
you know I just closed my eyes
my whole world disappeared

So now, you come back to me, begging for shelter. The ministry wizards found you, I see. And your precious master? Conquered by Potter again? Couldn't protect you, so you come running back to good old Draco.

All those times that you went off in the middle of the night when I was a child, that was to serve your master. You never bothered to say goodbye to me, to give me a reason. You know, it was hard for a five-year-old to understand why his daddy didn't ever kiss him goodnight or tuck him in.

Father of mine
take me back to the day
when I was still your golden boy
back before you went away

Did you ever even care for me? I remember one time when I was three; you said that I would never amount to anything. I was listening when you said that. Didn't think I understood? I did. When I was two, you stayed at home a lot. That was when the Ministry was watching us. You played games with me, gave me toys. For a time, I actually thought you cared.

I remember blue skies
walking the block
I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk
you would take me to the movie
you would take me to the beach
you would take me to a place inside
that is so hard to reach

You remember that time you took me for a walk on the park? In that small Muggle town? I loved that park. You were trying to educate me, show me what sort of filth Muggles were. Well, you what? I loved that park, that playground, that swing. I would have dreams afterwards, that we'd go back to that park, and you would be smiling and laughing, pushing me higher and higher on the swings, and I would laugh harder and harder, then we would both collapse on the grass and smile at each other. And you would tell me that you loved me and that I was the most important person in your life. And we'd do that everyday.

You'd take me out for ice cream and we would explore the woods behind the mansion, the scary, dark ones, but with you there, I wouldn't be afraid. And we'd play tricks on the house elves and you would always smile and tell me how much you loved me, and that I was the best son in the world.

Father of mine
tell me where did you go
you had the world inside your hand
but you did not seem to know

You were my biggest influence in life. I wanted to be just like you, just like daddy. I only saw you maybe once a week when I was seven or eight. You'd teach me different spells, you'd show me different potions. I would always look up to you and think how smart my father must be to know these things. How brave. How valiant. You were my role model; I wanted to be just like you. And you hardly noticed my existence; I was a pest to you, something to be dealt with for the time being.

Father of mine
tell me what do you see
when you look back at your wasted life
and you don't see me

You loved your master, you loved the Dark Arts, and you loved yourself. Did you ever love me? Did you ever care about me, not my grades or how my Dark Arts training was going? Did you? You never showed it.

You devoted your life to evil, to power. Power was what you wanted, and you had it. You could kill people; you could control the lives of hundreds. You cared about your reputation, your money. You cared about many things, all superficial. Hey, Lucius. Did you ever love me?

I was ten years old
doing all that I could
it wasn't easy for me
to be a scared white boy
in a black neighborhood

You know the year before I got accepted into Hogwarts? You spent that year, all our time together threatening me. You said that if I didn't get into Hogwarts and into Slytherin, you would disown me. I had to learn advanced spells, all illegal. If I was caught, I would be sentenced to Azkaban.

You know, I heard you talking that night to the Macnair fellow. I heard him comment on how well I seemed to be doing with my training. I heard you tell him that I hardly mastered the simplest curses, that I was a worthless waste of blood - pure blood - and that I had the magical abilities of little more than a Squib. I was trying my best Lucius, for you.

It was hard for me, showing up at all your Death Eater conventions. You decided to start taking me when I was nine, remember? You don't? Oh, well. I remember how you had me perform that curse on that poor puppy… I watched its fur rip off the body; I watched that dog die in pain. I was crying when I did it, then I was punished for crying. Remember, it was that stray that I hid up in my room? I think that dog was the only creature that ever loved me when I was growing up.

Remember how you threw a fit when you found him? You yelled and screamed and kicked me. Said something about disgracing the family name. Disgracing it with what, Lucius? Love?

Sometimes you would send me a birthday card
with a five-dollar bill
I never understood you then
and I guess I never will

You remember my birthday presents? You never gave me anything from the heart. Yes, you gave me all the newest toys, all the best. My favorite present from you was my first broomstick. It was that old Comet Two-Sixty that you had me throw away after I got a Nimbus 2001. I loved that Comet more than I loved you, Lucius. I cried for weeks after you had me throw it away. It was my life, that broom. I didn't want anything better or newer, don't you understand? I didn't care about being the best.

You got me on the Quidditch team, true. I was embarrassed to be on that team, knowing that I never could have made it with my own skills. I had to cover it all up; I had to gloat about my all-powerful father. Because you always said, 'A Malfoy never shows weakness'.

I cried every night during my stay at Hogwarts. Sometimes I still do. How's that for weak?

Daddy gave me a name
then he walked away
my dad he gave me a name

I can picture the day I was born. After all, I visited that hospital after I graduated Hogwarts. I found the nurse that was present when I was born. She said she remembered you; that she could never forget that cold, steely eyed man. She said that you looked down at me for a second and said, 'He's a weakling. He'll never amount to anything'.

You dubbed me at birth. Just like that.

Father of mine
tell me where have you been
I just closed my eyes
and the world disappeared
father of mine
tell me how do you sleep
with the children you abandoned
and the wife I saw you beat

Do you know what it felt like to read about your father in the Daily Prophet? I do. 'Lucius Malfoy Disappears; Rumours That He Joined the Dark Side'. You know what that felt like? Do you know how hard it was to face Potter? Do you know how hard it was to face that at sixteen?

I do.

I knew that you'd come back, Lucius. I was hoping that you would. Do you remember how you kicked and slapped Mother? She couldn't help it. Who could stay faithful to you? You never loved Mother. And you never let anyone love her. It's no wonder she died soon after graduation.

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame

You know, scars like that don't go away. I went to therapy, tried medicine, nothing helped. Now here I am, facing the one thing that I feared all my life. You're not all that intimidating, Lucius. I know that now.

I'll never be like everybody else. I'll never be able to tell me wife about this, you know. I'll never be able to tell her anything, for fear of rejection. Hell, I know she loves me, like Mother never loved you. No, I just don't want to scar her like you scarred me. I want to forget you, like you forgot me.

Now I'm a grown man
with a child of my own
and I swear that I'm not going to let her know
all the pain I have known

I have a daughter that loves me. Little Ella doesn't care about her daddy's past. She cares about all the times I took her to the park, to the playground, and pushed her on the swings. Higher and higher. And then we smiled and laughed and I told her I loved her and that she was the best daughter in the world.

She won't know the rejection I've felt. She'll know love, safety, and warmth. No thanks to you, Lucius.

Then he walked away
my dad he gave me a name

I see the Ministry wizards coming, Lucius. What's that you say? Let you in? Let you in into my warm house, let you sit by the fire with my wife and child? Out of the cold rain?

You say you're my father? Lucius, as far as I'm concerned, I have no father.

then he walked away