If In The Past

Chapter Nine: Blackmail

Dear Remus,

Of all the women in the world that you could have chosen to sleep with, you had to go and pick Dolores Nott. Of course, at that time, her brother had not yet been accused of being a Death Eater...but still, Dolores Nott?! The night James died, mere hours before, I visited him, and he told me the whole story.

"Remus isn't a spy, Sirius."

"What?"

At that time, you'd been with Dolores for two years. I hadn't directly spoken to you in six months.

"She's been blackmailing him."

Oh, Remus, why didn't you tell me? No, don't answer that, I know perfectly well why you didn't tell me. You thought I was a spy, and I don't blame you. I'd been moody and secretive, not answering my doorbell for weeks on end. How were you to know? In those days, any weird action was automatically suspicious.

James told me what you had told him. How you had decided to give playing by society's rules one last chance, and had decided to respond to Dolores's flirtations. How one night you'd had a bit too much to drink and ended up in bed with her. How you'd secretly cried afterwards because you'd lost your virginity and it hadn't been to me. How the next night was the night of the full moon. How she'd come back to your house to retrieve her lost purse and had seen you transform. How she'd fled in fear, but returned after the moon had waned and told you what she had seen. How she'd told you she was a Death Eater and promised to make your life miserable if you didn't betray James to her. You told her that you wouldn't. "Oh, but you will," she'd said. But Voldemort had decided that he didn't need James dead yet. Instead, she would keep you for when she needed you, leaving threatening messages on your doorstep and making your life one of constant fear.

One night, you'd asked her if I was a Death Eater, and thereby gave away your weak spot. She refused to tell you. Now she no longer threatened to reveal your lycanthropy, but threatened to kill me instead. You were left with an impossible choice: the death of your beloved or you best friend. But then something happened that took the situation out of your hands. Peter became James and Lily's Secret Keeper. You didn't know that, but you knew that you no longer knew their whereabouts. You had no more information to give the Death Eaters. Dolores left you alone, but, frightened, you managed to find James and told him everything.

"You aren't safe," I said, when James had finished. "If Remus could find you, if I could find you, so could Voldemort. You two have got to leave this place."

"Yes, but you two had a few hints of where we might be," said Lily. "You both knew that we had bought a house here. Voldemort won't have the slightest idea."

"What if he captured Peter and tortured him?"

"You said it yourself, Sirius, no one is going to suspect Peter of being our Secret Keeper. Now, you'd better get back home."

But I wasn't going to go back home. I was going to go and find you, to tell you everything. Then I was going to take you far away from there, somewhere where we'd both be safe. But as I walked down the street, I decided I'd better check on Peter first.

You know the rest of the story.

Your Sirius

Chapter Ten: The Discovery

Dear Remus,

Last night I made a wonderful discovery. I can still transform.

You may find that an odd way to start a letter that really should be starting, "Sorry I haven't written these last few years," but my discovery is why I started writing again, and that's why I started my letter that way. I'm thirty and I've been in here for years, but I can still transform.

I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful it was. Everything seemed so much simpler, so much more logical and less emotional. This could be very instrumental to my escape. Yes, I still plan to escape, and to find you, and to find Harry, and to try to have my named cleared.

Harry - he's ten years old now. Another year and he'll be getting his Hogwarts letter. I read in the paper shortly after I came to Azkaban that he went to go and live with his aunt and uncle. Muggles, weren't they? I have to concentrate very hard now to remember some things. I read over my previous letters recently and have only vague recollections of much of the things I wrote about. But I still remember you the most vividly, with James as a close second.

Harry must think I'm guilty - that is, if his relatives have told him about me. I'm not sure what kind of people they are.

These past years have been full of strange dreams, half-delusions, and fading memories. But my innocence has kept me from forgetting who I am, and it has cleared my mind long enough to let me come to one conclusion: Life is too short and precious to not do what you want with it. James knew this. When he hesitated, it was rarely for very long. Even when he did something that ended with him getting detention or points deducted from Gryffindor, he could still be comforted by the satisfactory knowledge that he had not let fear stand in his way. He possessed an amazing determination - I was the one who thought we should become Animagi for you, but he was the one who forced us all to spend long hours in the library researching it. Peter was the one who had the idea for the Marauder's Map, but James was the one who spent hours thinking up ways to enchant it.

Maybe people are meant to exist on this earth only until they have reached their full potential and their purpose for living is fulfilled. That's the only explanation I can find for why James and Lily had to die so young. Both of them were brave, intelligent, caring people who never hesitated to do what was right. I hope Harry's relatives have told him how wonderful his parents were.

When I finally get out of here, I am going to find you and tell you that I have always loved you. I don't care of you're with someone else. Hell, I don't care if you're a married Death Eater with five children. I will not die satisfied unless you know the truth.

Yours always, Sirius

Chapter Eleven: Before The Escape

Dear Remus,

This last letter from Azkaban that I write to you will be very short, for in another few minutes the Dementors are coming with dinner and I will escape. Peter is alive. He's at Hogwarts, Remus. Right where Harry is.

The thought of this gives me such a feeling of dread in my stomach that I feel physically ill. I let James and Lily die. I WILL NOT allow Harry to suffer the same fate. I am his guardian and godfather, and James made me responsible for him. I don't care if I die in the attempt, I owe this to Lily and James...and to myself.

When the Dementors come to give me food, I will slip all of these letters and the newspaper article I found about Peter (got it from Fudge, no time to fully explain) into my pocket, so I will have them after I transform. Then I will turn into a dog and slip my emaciated body through the bars. From there I will leave the island and swim to shore. My emotions confuse the Dementors when I am a dog. This is my only hope.

Remus...there is a chance that I will die without ever seeing you, and so therefore I will state plainly what I have already said in so many words, in case you ever read this letter. I love you more than life itself. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are the only person in the world that I ever want to be my lover, the only one who is perfect for me. Whether I am alive or dead, imprisoned or free, mad or sane, I shall always be,

Your Sirius.