If In The Past

Chapter Seven: In The Kitchens

Dear Remus,

That night it was like we had crossed a bridge that crumbled just as we reached the other side. We had always been friends, but before it had been based on common interests and mutual outlooks. Now we were in a new territory - that of half-finished emotional confidences shared.

"Amoria's driving me mental," you said as we walked down the winding staircase. "She's so persistent. The next girl I date is going to be much more calm." Your words stung like a poison dart. I had been harboring a secret fantasy that you would confess that the reason you couldn't feel for Amoria was because you loved me. However, once again, reality had slapped me hard across the face.

"Yeah, she's a little intense," was what I said. "So, are you going to break it off with her, then?"

"Yeah, but I think I'll wait about a week so she won't think it's because I took your side in the stink pellet incident." You stopped on the landing and your face twitched. "Sorry. I don't mean to laugh. It wasn't funny."

"Completely non-humorous," I said, trying unsuccessfully not to snicker.

"I mean, really, there isn't anything funny about a girl with odd hair being hit by a stink pellet..."

"...while she's sucking on a werewolf's neck..."

"...in the Gryffindor common room..." The last two words were a joyous shriek. Both of us burst out laughing.

"God, Sirius, you should have seen her eyes, I didn't know they could get so big..."

"From what I could see, they looked like a house-elf's."

"All right, all right, we have to stop, we're being cruel."

"Okay, just let me catch my breath."

Once I had done so, we proceeded down the next flight of stairs and into the corridor. A few feet away from the painting of the fruit, you stopped.

"Sirius, I've got a question for you."

"What?" I asked, still uncomfortable in the new land across the bridge.

"Why'd you throw it?"

"What?"

"Really, why did you throw it? I mean, that's something you might have done in our first or second year. It just struck me as really odd."

"I don't really know," I said half-truthfully. "I think I just lost my temper. I couldn't stand seeing you waste your time with someone you didn't really care for." I cannot even describe how much I wanted to kiss you right then.

You gave me that soft half-smile. "Sometimes I think you must know me better than anyone."

"I thought you said I didn't know everything about you."

"You don't." Pause. "But you know more about me than other people."

The silence continued for about five seconds until I said, "Come on, Moony, I'm hungry."

~~*~~

I wonder if the old house-elfs are still at Hogwarts. Remember the day that they made the Marauders our own table in the back? We painted it red and wrote "Marauders" on it in gold, and then we each painted our own chair. The next year, when Lily and James finally got together, the elves made her a chair too...but I digress.

"Remus Lupin and Sirius Black!" squeaked Teema as we entered. "We have much food for you today, sirs!"

"Don't you always?" you asked, laughing.

"Of course, sir! But there is more than usual tonight...Deelee! Go and fetch the chocolate cake and butterbeer!"

Deelee gave out an excited squeal and hurried away. "Where is James Potter tonight, sirs?" asked Teema.

"Asleep," you said. James was their favorite, but of course that was because he tipped them.

You pulled back your black and white painted chair with "Moony" written in cursive across the back in silver paint and sat down. I sat in mine, which was painted maroon and navy with "Padfoot" down one leg in gold block letters.

"I always wonder how the house-elfs get so hyperactive," I said.

"I think they take caffeine pills or something," you said as Deelee careened off the shelving and landed next to the table, cake and butterbeer unscathed.

"Feel free to ask it there is anything else you would like, sirs!" she squeaked.

"Thanks, Deelee," I said. She bowed and skipped off.

"Oh, look at this cake!" you exclaimed, digging in.

"And you say I eat like a pig..."

"Shut up, Padfoot."

"Shut up yourself, Moony."

"Taste it, it's really good!"

"It could have been stepped on by people with muddy boots all day and you'd still think it's good because it's chocolate."

"Speaking of chocolate, I keep finding Chocolate Frogs in my stuff..."

"Pass the butterbeer," I interrupted.

"I wonder what's in this stuff anyway."

"Not much alcohol. You'd probably have to drink about thirty of them to get anywhere near drunk."

"I've never understood the point of getting drunk. All that happens is that you get sick and have a headache after making a complete ass of yourself."

"Speaking of making an ass of yourself, you've got chocolate smeared all over your mouth."

You did, too...it made you look like an animal that had just devoured its slain prey. I laughed. You tried to wipe it off but there was still one little stubborn spot that wouldn't leave, and I told you so. You swiped at it again with your napkin, but that just smeared it around.

"It's still there. Here, let me get it."

I leaned over and brushed it off with my fingers. You jumped a little, and rose from your chair.

"We'd better be getting back."

"What are you talking about, we just got here."

But I knew what it was...well, I knew a portion of what it was. I didn't know yet that the part of you I didn't know was your sexual attraction to me, but I did know that you were recoiling to prevent me from getting too close to whatever secret it was that you kept, and this knowledge hurt me.

Remus, do you ever wish that you could temporarily leave your body, take a step back, and look at your life? Well, that was how I felt right then. I had no idea exactly what was happening, wasn't sure of anything except that I loved you and that you were afraid of letting me get closer.

That's it, right there, the story of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black: I want you, you want me too but get scared, you leave, I'm devastated. Will I ever have a chance to change things? I'd give anything right now just to see you for a few seconds and say these words: Peter and I switched. I forgive you and I'll always love you.

Your Sirius