If In The Past

Chapter Two: Love and Longing

Dear Remus,

I dreamed last night that we were making love. Everything was perfect: James and Lily were alive, I was free, and we were together. Then I woke up and wept for an hour. The Dementors were quite pleased, as you can imagine.

It's ironic, but I've never slept with anyone. Strange but true: Sirius Black, once the ideal man of half of Hogwarts' female population, a virgin. Of course, it doesn't matter if half of Hogwarts' female population lusts after you if you want men. Well, not all men. Just one.

I came close to losing my virginity. This was later, after we had finished school, when I was nineteen. It wasn't the stupidest things I've ever done, but it's pretty high up on the list. He was a Muggle; I'd only known him for about three hours; he picked me up in a bar; we were both drunk. Not the most romantic of circumstances. By the time we'd gone back to his flat, I was sober enough to know that I was doing an idiotic and potentially dangerous thing. As he was undressing me, I told him I'd changed my mind. He threw me out, slammed the door, and then opened it once more to throw my shirt out.

You and I managed to stay friends after that night. I don't know how we did it, but we still managed to laugh and joke and have adventures with James and Peter, despite all that had happened. And they were great adventures too, some of our wildest. Do you remember when we took the de-flamed dragons from the Care of Magical Creatures stable out for a ride? That was the one and only time we were ever caught - by Filch, unfortunately. If we had to be caught, I'd much rather have been caught by Dumbledore or McGonagall or someone I at least respected. Filch confiscated the Marauder's Map. Probably still has that thing, and probably still doesn't know how to work it.

Then there was the time we stole the snake statue from the Slytherin common room and put it in the mouth of the Gryffindor lion. Remember how Professor Delphian thought it was an omen? Good God, I never met a man so thick before. The other professors, of course, realized it was a prank...how you ever managed to sit though Divination with that man is beyond me.

Good memories. Yes, I must focus on good memories, for the amount of time I have before the Dementors take them is limited.

The night before we graduated, there's a good memory. We were sitting at the table in our dormitory, playing chess, when James and Lily burst through the door, wide grins spread across their faces.

"What are you two so happy about?" you asked, but the look in your eyes told me you suspected what it was, as I did.

"We're engaged," said James. Lily held out her hand, which displayed a sparkling emerald ring. We whooped and hollered, slapping James on the back. I picked up Lily and spun her around, both of us laughing.

That night was even better than graduation day itself. We took them out to dinner in Hogsmeade to celebrate. Lily was chattering away about wedding plans and James was saying, "Lily, don't talk their ears off, they don't care if your dress is going to be white or cream." But he was smiling, and she was so excited that she didn't care what any of us thought.

"Of course we care," you said, smiling warmly. "I vote for cream."

"White," said Peter. "It'll match her skin."

"But then she'll look washed-out," I said. "Cream, Lily, definitely cream."

James rolled his eyes. Lily reached out and messed up his hair, causing him to yelp in protest.

We were so noisy that the Hogwarts students from other tables came over to see what was happening. Even a couple of Slytherins actually told them congratulations, remember?

You looked happier that night than I'd seen you in a long time. You've always been like that, genuinely happy for other people. I love you, Remus.

Sirius