If In The Future

Chapter One: June 29

This letter arrived from Dumbledore at the beginning of the week when the moon was full.

Dear Remus,

I have instructed Sirius to go to your house and hide there for a while. I realize that I am putting you in danger without your consent, and I apologize, but as you may or may not have heard, Voldemort has risen again. Sirius will tell you the details when he arrives. I also ask that the two of you contact "the old crowd". You know whom I mean and you know why I want them. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore

My first reaction was of course, oh, God. Voldemort has risen again. I hadn't heard about it...probably Fudge being difficult again, is my guess. I had to sit down for a while until I was able to breathe steadily again. Then I reread Dumbledore's letter. Oh, God, I thought. Sirius is coming here?

I haven't seen him in a year. He looked like a sort of spectre or apparition the last time I saw him - pale, wan, and with a face like skin stretched over a skeleton. I couldn't believe it was him. No, I had thought, this is not the same brave and witty boy I once knew who smiled charmingly and pulled elaborate pranks. This is an imposter, a charlatan, a fraud who has stolen Sirius's name.

But then he spoke, and I recognized his voice. It was shaky and strained from disuse, but it was still the same voice that once told me it loved me. I realized that that boy was still within him - abused, frightened, and mostly hidden, but still there. But the boy no longer inhabited the body alone. Alongside him was another person, a vengeful and enraged man who had seen years of his life go by unlived and was powerless to stop it.

As much as I hate to admit it, I still love that boy. But the man is a stranger to me, one that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. Both of them are coming to live at my house for a while. With the three people that are me - the wolf, the boy, and the scarred and timid man.

What am I going to say to him? The last time we had any sort of a meaningful conversation, we were sixteen. The last time I saw him the way he used to be, we were twenty-one. How do two people in our situation make conversation? There isn't anything easeful we can talk about...every possible topic of conversation involves pain and misery. I don't want to talk to him. In the ideal world, I would kill the man, rescue the boy, and the boy in me would make love to him all night. But both of them are coming to my house, and I have to take either both or neither.

Of course, it's ridiculous to even think that Sirius still has any feelings for me. He's probably not even gay, for God's sake. People go through phases when they're teenagers. Of course he isn't gay.

Soon there will be two bodies within this cottage, but five people will have to learn to live together.

Chapter Two: June 30

This morning, as I was drying the breakfast dishes, I heard a scraping on the door and a faint whining. Dropping the dishcloth in the sink, I hurried into the entryway and opened the door.

A large black dog, almost the size of a bear, hobbled in and collapsed at my feet. One of his back paws was bleeding. I shut the door hastily and by the time it was closed Sirius lay on my floor.

He's less skinny than the last time I saw him, but not by much. He looks at least a decade older than the thirty-five I know him to be. His hair is matted and stale-smelling, and his teeth are yellowed. No one looking at him now could ever guess that he was once the most handsome boy at Hogwarts. "Remus," he gasped, "I - "

"Shh, it's all right, don't try to talk," I whispered. He grasped hold of me, his blue eyes intense and fierce.

"Remus...there's something that I have to tell you..."

"I know, Dumbledore wrote to me. We have to contact the old crowd."

"No...something else I have to say..."

"You can tell me later. First we've got to bandage that foot of yours. How did it happen?"

"Piece of glass..."

"Here, put your arms around my neck." He raised one arm feebly, but I had to help him. His arms were skin and bone, but still surprisingly warm. I put his arms around my neck and clasped his hands together. Then I slid one of my arms under his knees.

"All right, I'm going to carry you into my bedroom. Then I'll wash and wrap that foot."

"Remus, I..."

"Shh, it can wait."

"No it can't, I've waited decades..." My heart jumped. What was he trying to tell me?

"If you've waited decades, you can wait until you're stronger again. Now I'm going to carry you, all right?"

"All...all right."

Lifting him was like lifting a small child of ten, that's how much he weighs. I could feel his ribs pressing against my chest. Once we arrived in my bedroom, I laid him down on the bed. "I'm just going to go into the kitchen to get some things for your foot. I'll be right back."

"Moony, don't leave..."

The old nickname took me by surprise, causing my heart to pound furiously and my breath to come in short intakes. I sat down next to him and looked him right in the eye.

"It's all right, Padfoot. I'm just going a few rooms away. I'll be back within the minute. I'm coming right back, do you understand?"

His claw of a hand grasped mine. "O-Okay."

"Okay."

I left for the kitchen and got some cloth, a bowl of water, rubbing alcohol, and soap. Just in case, I also took a needle and thread.

When I returned, his eyes were closed. They snapped open when he heard my footsteps. I sat on the edge of the bed and took his foot in my hand. The cut was filthy, with bits of dirt and pebbles stuck to it. It's about five centimeters long.

As soon as I dipped his foot into the water, he shrieked. The sound sent shivers down my spine, for it was primal and like that of an animal, hardly recognizable as that of a man.

"Sirius, it's all right! It's just going to sting for a bit. Grip onto something if you're going to scream again."

"I think I'm fine now."

"Okay."

As I washed his wound, he squinted at me. "You look different."

"I grew a goatee."

The ghost of a grin flashed across his face. "A werewolf with a goatee...that's got to be against the laws of nature or something." I rolled my eyes, and he actually laughed. I breathed a sigh of relief, glad to see him acting more normal again.

"Where are we?"

"This is my bedroom. As soon as you're better, we'll move you upstairs to the other one."

He opened his mouth to speak, but than closed it again. By the time I was done with his foot (fifteen stitches) he was asleep. I pulled the blanket over him, and he gave a little sigh in his sleep.

That was around ten o'clock. Now it's about seven in the evening and he's still asleep. I think I'll sleep on the couch in the next room tonight in case he needs me.

Chapter Three: July 1

Sirius woke up this morning completely coherent and also ravenously hungry. I awakened to his mouth right next to my ear.

"Remus," he whispered loudly. I jumped about a foot in the air.

"Good God, Sirius, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"

"Sorry, but I've been saying your name for the last five minutes and you weren't moving."

I looked up at him. "Wait a minute, you shouldn't be walking around on that foot!"

"I did a spell on it this morning with your wand. It's healed now." He put his foot up on the arm of the couch and sure enough, all that remained was a faint scar. I nodded, impressed.

"Hate to be bothering you," he said, "but I haven't eaten in three days and - "

"You're not bothering me!" I said. "Come on, let's go get you breakfast."

Inside the kitchen, he looked around in the refrigerator. "Have you got any sausages?"

"No, I'm a vegetarian."

"Since when?!" he asked, looking very surprised.

"Since the Wolfsbane Potion was invented four years ago. It decreases my desire for meat."

The Wolfsbane Potion was one of the biggest miracles in my life. With it, I felt like I could actually lead a normal existence. Along with meat, I gave up alcohol (except butterbeer, one of my weaknesses), cutting myself, and sex with people I didn't love. Seeing as the only one I ever really loved was Sirius, that meant I gave up sex entirely. The potion made me feel like a full human being for the first time since I was three years old.

"I'm surprised," he said. "I remember that time you ate the five rare steaks in a row."

"You remember that?"

"Yeah, does that amaze you?"

"Well, it happened when we were fourteen."

"I remember everything about us, Remus."

A feeling of dread stole over my stomach.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice full of concern. "You look really pale."

"No, I'm fine. Hey, you want any scrambled eggs with blueberry jam?"

A small, content smile came over his face. "You remembered," he said softly. "I haven't eaten that since we were about eighteen. You remembered."

"You used to have the house-elfs make it for you..."

"...and then they were thrilled because of the extra work..."

"...but the rest of us thought it was the most disgusting thing ever..."

"...James used to make vomiting noises..."

"...and Lily would..." But I stopped.

He reached over and took my hand. His other hand lifted up my chin and made me look him in the eye. My breath was shaky and shallow, my heart was pounding like mad. "It's all right," he said. "We don't have to talk about them if it'll make you upset, Remus."

I opened my mouth and before I could think, out came, "Sirius, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

He stood up. "Come on," he said, the hand that still held mine helping me up. "Let's go into the living room."

I felt like I was drifting through a dream. Everything began to seem unreal...the carpet, which I've had for five years, suddenly looked strange to me, and the lights seemed overly bright. He was still holding my hand. We sat down together on the couch.

"Remus," he said softly, gazing directly into my eyes, "I have never stopped loving you. I've been attracted to you since the day I met you and I've loved you since we were fifteen and it hasn't stopped. It isn't going to stop. I don't want it to stop. You were one of the things that kept me sane in Azkaban, I thought about you every day. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to be your lover and I never want to leave you. If you don't feel the same way, then, well, there isn't anything I can do about it, and I'll still want to be your friend, but please know that I'm always going to love you regardless of how you feel about me. I know that a lot of horrible things have happened to both of us and that we aren't the same people we once were, and I'm not asking that you try and change. Remus, could we...could we pick up where we left off with each other and give it another try? I came so close to losing you forever."

I didn't speak for at least ten seconds digesting his words, not quite able to believe that this was really happening. Then I said, "It's going to be hard."

"I know."

"Sirius...I don't feel like I really know you anymore. That night in the Shrieking Shack, the night when I found out you were innocent...I hardly recognized you. You were so bitter, so angry, and obviously you have every right to be, but I could barely tell you were the same person. The only reason I believed it was really you was because of your voice. The voice of a boy I loved. A boy I still love. But you aren't that boy anymore."

"Part of me is," he whispered. "I'm not asking you to devote yourself to me right away. I'm asking you to give me a chance...a chance to show you the person I am now. And that's much more than vindictive and enraged. Give me a chance to show you the man who loves you. The man under this." He traced the lines of his skeletal face.

"S-Sirius," I whispered, my voice shaky and barely audible, "all sorts of terrible things have happened to me."

His arms slid around me and held me tight. His head rested on my shoulder, and I realized he was crying. I was too.

"Sirius, I-I've slept with a lot of people. I used to drink so much that I was almost an alcoholic. I'm messed up, Sirius, and..." But then I was sobbing, gasping, horrible wretched noises escaping my mouth.

"I love you anyway," he murmured, holding me as tight as he could. "I love you no matter what you've done. Remember the night in our sixth year I saved your life?"

I nodded, still crying and feeling horribly embarrassed about it.

"We're bonded for life, Moony. That's a powerful thing. Whether we're lovers or not, there is always going to be that connection between us."

I nodded. He pulled away from me a little and began to dry my face with the sleeve of his robe. I closed my eyes, unable to look at him.

"You don't have to be ashamed," he whispered. I opened my eyes and held him close again.

"I love you, Sirius," I said. "I want to give you another chance."

He pulled away from me and the next thing I knew we were kissing, his hand on my shoulder and my tongue in his mouth. We both had terrible morning breath but I didn't care, because this was what I had wanted for longer than I could remember. He was both gentle and passionate, his mouth sucking on my tongue and allowing it to explore the depths of his throat. One hand slid around to my backside and gripped.

I pulled away slowly, letting him know that I wasn't upset. "Sirius?"

"What is it?"

"You're going to have to go slowly with me. I haven't had sex in years. This is going to take some getting used to."

"I've never slept with anyone."

I looked up startled. "You've never - "

"No. I'm a virgin."

"Oh, come on," I started to say, but then I looked into his eyes and realized he was telling the truth.

"It's not that I didn't have my options," he said, " but it was never right. For one thing, everyone who wanted to sleep with me was female."

"You're gay, then?"

He rolled his eyes. "Remus, I just finished telling you how much I love you. What do you think?"

"Well, you could be bisexual."

"You're right, I could. But I'm not."

"I'm not either."

"I know."

And then we kissed again, longer and more passionately. We could still be doing it, except that Sirius's stomach started rumbling. "Come on," he said, grinning, "let's go get breakfast."

~~*~~

After breakfast, I had to go into work. The Tellery Magical Library is not my ideal place of employment, but it could be much worse. My main problem is that I want to stop sorting books and start reading them.

"Remus, are you all right?" asked Calliope Ecritus, the head librarian, after the sixth time I was caught staring off into space.

"Fine, Calliope, fine."

"You seem a little distracted."

"I'm all right."

"Your sleeve is dragging in your inkwell."

"Oh, so it is. Thanks very much."

The staff there regards me as quite strange but relatively harmless. They still don't know that I'm a werewolf. Every month I call in sick the morning before I transform and tell them some new disease that I'm suffering from. So far I've had influenza, German measles, mumps, a migraine, pneumonia, a sore throat, pink eye, and a mild case of mononucleosis...and those are only the ones I can remember. I almost told them I had malaria once, but then I remembered you can only get it in the tropics.

When I arrived home for supper, Sirius had made me stir-fried vegetables. I smiled as I sat down next to him.

"I've been quite busy all day," he said, smiling. "Notice anything different about my mouth?" He smiled wider.

"Your teeth are white again!"

"Yeah, they were getting pretty disgusting. That's what happens when you eat rats."

I shuddered. "How did you manage to do it?"

"I imagined that every single one was Peter."

Surprising even myself, I laughed. "Come on," he said, "eat fast. I want to show you the biggest surprise. It's in your bedroom."

"Our bedroom," I said, taking his hand.

"I thought that you weren't ready for sex yet."

"I'm not. But you can still share my bed until I am."

"I'd love that," he said solemnly. Then his mood changed. "Come on, eat up!"

Inside my - sorry, our - room, he led me to the wardrobe and thew it open. I gasped in delight.

All of my old and patched robes were gone, replaced by new, thick, beautiful ones in burgundy and emerald and navy blue.

"Sirius...how did you..."

"Oh, they're still the old ones," he said. "They're Transfigured. The spell is fairly obsolete...I found it in some book you had upstairs."

I threw my arms around him and kissed him. "I like this goatee," he said, when I had pulled away. "The way it tickles is very sexy."

That night, when we got into bed, I realized that I was happier than I'd been in a long time. "Is this really happening?" I whispered.

He kissed me. "Yes."

And then he curled up next to me and we fell asleep.