If In The Beginning

Chapter Eight: Padfoot

It was unusually cold for spring. Under the Invisibility Cloak, Sirius drew as close to Remus as he dared "We´d better hurry," he said. "How much longer do you think we have?"

"About fifteen minutes," Remus said. "Don´t worry, look, there´s the willow."

A new thought struck Sirius. "How are we going to get in without Peter to press the knothole?" he asked.

Remus bit his lip. "We´ll just have to get hit, I guess," he said.

"I´ll put the cloak in my pocket," Sirius said. "James will kill us if that thing wrecks it." He pulled the cloak off himself and Remus.

Remus was looking at the tree. "I think we ought to go through there," he said, pointing to a hole in the dense curtain of branches. "It´s close to the knothole, and there aren´t as many tree limbs to attack us."

Sirius nodded. "All right. I´ll go first." He hesitated a moment, and then plunged into the branches. Remus followed a second later.

Sirius hadn´t taken three steps when a large rope-like branch slapped him across the forehead. Just as he was pulling it off, a larger one smacked into his chest. Gasping for breath, he staggered ahead.

He heard footsteps behind him, and suddenly Remus was at his side. "Come on," Sirius shouted, grabbing Remus´s hand, "we´ll have to run for it!" Both of them dived further into the branches.

Sirius could see the knothole ahead. Relieved, he forgot himself, released Remus´s hand, and ran towards it. As he was about to press the knothole, he heard Remus scream.

He looked up and saw why. The tree´s largest and thickest branch was directly above Remus and descending rapidly.

Sirius didn´t stop to think. Acting on instinct alone, he threw himself at Remus, knocking him out of the way. With a sickening snap, the branch fell on him, sending a crushing pain through his body.

"Remus!" he yelled. "Press the knothole and it´ll stop!" And then he knew no more.

~~*~~

When Sirius came to, he first thing he saw was Remus´s warm hazel eyes, full of concern. "Are we still at the tree?" he asked faintly.

Remus nodded. "I pressed the knothole."

"How long have I been unconscious?"

"Just about a minute or so," said Remus. "Can you sit up?"

Sirius tried. No, he couldn´t.

"Bet you five Sickles you can´t carry me," he said, the pain making him bold and reckless.

"No, I´ve already lost one bet to you this week," said Remus. "I´ll have to carry you by magic." He pointed his wand at Sirius. "Mobilicorpus!"

"Oh, great, I love being a mobile corpse," said Sirius.

"Shut up," said Remus, but he said it with the hint of a smile, and the worried look was leaving his eyes.

Using his wand, Remus guided Sirius through the gap in the roots and into the tunnel. The experience was surreal, Sirius thought, drifting along. He couldn´t believe he´d grabbed Remus´s hand. More importantly, he couldn´t believe he´d saved Remus from the wrath of the Whomping Willow.

"OW!" he yelled. His head had hit the ceiling.

Remus grimaced. "You´re going to have a nasty bruise there," he said. "I don´t know who´ll have the uglier forehead, you or Snape." He rested his hand on Sirius´s brow. "Here, I´ll make sure your head stays away from the ceiling."

Remus´s hand was warm and soft. The light pressure was both comforting and erotic. Could he tell, Sirius thought, could Remus tell he loved him? Of course not, he told himself. Unless Remus could suddenly read minds, there was no way he could know. But...did he suspect? Too anguished to think clearly, Sirius shut his eyes.

Finally, they reached the Shrieking Shack. "I´m going to take the spell off you," said Remus. "Do you think you can make it over to the couch?"

Sirius winced and nodded. The mauve couch, which had some of the stuffing torn out of it courtesy of Remus, was only a few feet away. However, when Remus released him from the spell, Sirius fell to the floor.

He felt Remus´s arms encircle him. His breath left him, and he didn´t think it was from the impact of hitting the ground. "Come on," Remus said. "It´s all right, lean on me, you aren´t going to knock me over. Now, try to walk. That´s it. It´s only a few steps. All right, lie down. I just hope you didn´t break anything, because we´ll have a hell of a time explaining to Madam Pomfrey." His voice was soft and reassuring. With supple yet strong arms, he helped Sirius lay down on the couch.

Sirius sank into the lush fabric and deep cushions. "I don´t think anything´s broken," he said. "Just strained and bruised a lot."

"I´ll get you some ice for your head," said Remus. He disappeared into the kitchen.

"How long have you got until the transformation?" Sirius called.

"Five minutes," came Remus´s voice from the next room. He reappeared in the doorway, ice in hand.

"That´s all right, I don´t need it," said Sirius.

"No, I insist," said Remus firmly. He walked over to the bed and knelt down. One slender hand reached over and brushed a few stray strands of hair off of Sirius´s forehead. Nervous, delightful shivers ran down Sirius´s spine.

"You saved my life, you know," said Remus, pressing the ice to Sirius´s brow. "That branch could have killed me easily."

"It wouldn´t have. It didn´t kill me, did it?"

"No, but it could have." He paused. "Did you ever hear that when one wizard saves another, they´re bonded for life?"

Sirius´s heart beat faster. Him and Remus. Bonded for life. His mouth felt dry. "Yeah, I heard that."

Both were silent for a while. Sirius could hear the clock ticking in the next room. Time was running out. He took the ice off his forehead. "Remus, I - "

"Sirius, I - " said Remus at the same time. They stopped and laughed nervously.

"You go first," said Sirius.

"No, you go ahead. I´m not quite sure what I was going to say anyway."

Sirius avoided his eyes. "I´m not really sure what I was going to say either."

"We´re both lying, aren´t we," said Remus. It was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah, I think so," Sirius said. Silence.

Then Remus said, "Sirius, about that one night, with the bed - "

Sirius pulled Remus towards him and kissed him hard on the mouth. His mouth moved furiously, as if the world was about to end and he was in his last moments. Then, abruptly, he pulled back, trembling. He had done it. Now it was over - the kiss, the fear, the hiding. Maybe even his friendship with Remus.

To his Sirius´s surprise, Remus reached out with one hand and cupped the side of his face. For a second their eyes locked, and then so did their lips.

Remus´s mouth was every bit as soft and sweet as Sirius had imagined. He put his arm around Remus´s neck and pulled him closer. Remus moaned softly, and rested his hand on Sirius´s chest.

Nothing, not anything, in Sirius´s life had been as wonderful as this, he thought as Remus´s tongue explored his mouth. All the emotion, all the intense feelings, all the love, were no longer secret. Every nerve was excited, every bit of him was tender and open to the ecstasy he felt.

Suddenly, Remus pulled back. His body was rigid, and he started to shake. Recognizing the signs of an oncoming transformation, Sirius transformed himself.

Within seconds, Remus had grown fur. His face morphed, and a tail appeared. A wolf stood where the boy (almost man) had been.

Solemnly, Remus out two paws up on the couch and spoke, his voice a series of quiet barks.

Sirius felt like his stomach had just dropped to his feet. But...but we...you kissed me back. You moaned. You wanted it every bit as much as I did.

I know.

Remus, why are you doing this? I love you. I always have.

I love you too, Sirius. That´s why I have to do this.

I don´t understand.

If people find out...they´ll hate you. They´ll hate me too. But you more.

What?

Sirius, if you´re my lover...oh, God, I wish you could be... it´s not going to matter how many Quidditch matches you won or who your friends are or how handsome you look. Everyone will see you as a freak.

I don´t care about that.

Don´t lie, Sirius.

Rage surged within him. I´m not! So...if you can´t be with me, then what just happened?

I don´t know.

Sirius climbed off the couch. That´s it. I´m leaving. I never thought you´d just mess with me that way.

That´s not what it was!

You know what, Remus? Don´t even talk to me.

Sirius walked slowly out the door and up the tunnel, unsteady from both the pain and the tears that were clouding his eyes. From behind him in the shack, he heard a long, deep, aching howl, full of agony.

Blinded with tears, he raced though the tunnels, escaping as fast as he could from Remus´s howls. At the end he ran out of the willow and collapsed on the ground, the desolate noise still ringing in his ears.

He lay there for what must have been over an hour, bathed in the cruel moonlight. He did not care if he ever rose again.

He looked up. The moonlight shone on the lake.

Almost involuntarily, he stood up. The soft ground rolled under his paws as he walked, stiff-legged, to the water.

He stuck his nose in the water. It was freezing. Good. The icy water could flow over him, extinguishing his burning rage and passion. Extinguishing his life.

It was all so beautifully simple. All he needed to do was submit himself to the water, let it wash over his body and into his lungs. He would die clean of suffering.

He transformed back into a human. If they found the body of a dog and connected it with his disappearance, it might come out that the others had become Animagi. Keeping their secret would he his one last gift to them.

He waded into the water, welcoming the icy sting. He took what he hoped would be his last break, and plunged in.

He saw his hair, the same hair Remus had brushed back tenderly, floating like thick black seaweed. Opening his mouth, he inhaled a frigid blast of water. It weighed down his body, causing him to sink deeper. And then he heard the shouting.

"SIRIUS!"

The next thing he knew, two pairs of arms were pulling him out of the lake. He coughed, expelling the liquid from his lungs. There was a small thump as the arms released him onto the bank.

"Sirius what the hell were you doing!"

He blinked. It was James. James and Lily.

"I - I...." There was no point in lying. "Trying to kill myself."

James stared. "Sirius. What happened."

"I - "

"For God´s sakes, James, we need to get him back to the castle, before he really does die! It can´t be more than forty degrees out here, and the water must be below zero."

The next few weeks would always be a blur in Sirius´s mind. Only a few things stood out. He remembered waking up in the hospital wing, surrounded by hot water bottles. He remembered Madam Pomfrey telling him he had pneumonia. He had recollections of James sneaking up to see him with a piece of chocolate cake, which was later confiscated. Dumbledore came to visit, and told him he was exempt from exams. Lily brought him a quilt, read to him for half an hour, and kissed him on the cheek before she left.

He thought he remembered Remus, kneeling by his bedside and sobbing into the quilt. But perhaps it had only been a fever dream.