Hogwarts: Under the Influence of Marauders

7 o'clock at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry found four boys lounging in an alcove just off the first floor corridor.

Over dinner, the four had been 'witnesses' to a most tragic event involving some poor bloke in Hufflepuff, a package of dungbombs, and Professor McGonagall's bloomers.

"I just don't get it!" exclaimed James, a tall boy, stood closest to the window. He was almost hidden from view by the hulking form of a statue of a very ugly witch. "Some Hufflepuff kid gets a package that explodes and sends McGonagall's 'pantaloons' rocketing across the great hall covered in-"

A short, squat kid squeaked.

"And Filch blames us?" finished James.

"That might have something to do with the fact that we did do it, Mr. Potter," stated another young man coolly. He looked quite relaxed, leaning against the wall with his copy of Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them.

"Yes, Remus, but it's the principle of the matter!" said another boy, picking up where James had left off.

This particular lad, who went by the name of Sirius Black, had climbed the statue and was now perched on the hideous witch's great hump. Oblivious to the stares he was receiving from his friends, he continued. "When something catastrophic like the incident in the Great Hall happens, we're always the ones who people think of first!"

"Right you are, Sirius!" James agreed. "That's cause for celebration, that is! Do you think Evans was impressed?" he added as an afterthought.

Remus barely stifled a laugh. He glanced up from his book for a moment, only to see Sirius poking his wand into places that no statue was made to be poked in.

"You're a sick little boy, Mr. Black," Remus remarked.

But Sirius wasn't paying attention to his friend; he was caressing something on the statue's hump and speaking softly.

"Come on now Sirius! You could have any girl in our year, but all along you've had a statue fetish?" asked a rather confused-looking James.

At this, Remus set his book aside in order to fully enjoy what would surely be an interesting conversation.

"Can you believe it?" the squat boy addressed the others, incredulous. "All this time, and Sirius is really an effigysexual!"

"What!?" Sirius nearly yelled. "Shut up, Peter. There's something written on this hump!"

Peter looked confused. "You did what to the statue?!"

Sirius ignored the whiny voice from below and rubbed the inscription with his sleeve. He stared at it closely, and pronounced:

"Dis-sen-di-um."

His wand was still touching the witch's unmentionables.

Peter shrieked as Sirius disappeared from sight.

He was still screaming when Remus gave James a leg up onto the statue.

He was still screaming when James noticed a gaping hole where the hump had been only moments before.

He was still screaming when Sirius popped his head out of the hole and told Peter to shut-the-bloody-hell-up.

Peter obeyed just in time for the group to hear footsteps approaching.

Remus looked around the corner and whispered the one word all had been dreading; "Filch!"

"Quick, get in my belly! Erm...the witch's belly - it's the only way to hide!" Sirius whispered a little too excitedly.

No sooner had all four of them clambered inside the figure than the hump resealed itself. Faintly, they heard Filch raging outside the alcove.

Only then did James notice a long tunnel stretched out in front of them as far as the dim light allowed him to see.

"Bloody Hell! It's a secret passage!" he yelled behind him as he sprinted down the tunnel.

Sirius shot a tripping hex at James and smirked as his impulsive pal sailed through the air. James then proceeded to land comfortably on a mattress that he had quickly conjured whilst airborne.

As if this sort of thing happened every day (which it usually did), Sirius casually explained, "Lets get some supplies first".

* * *

The four of them made the trip to Gryffindor Tower in record time. Upon entering the portrait hole, they were assaulted with admirers seeking handshakes, autographs, and full accounts of how the prank in the Great Hall had been achieved. One girl had even gone so far as to find the underwear in question and was in the process of framing it for the boys to keep as a souvenir.

Upon presenting the legendary undergarments to Sirius, she asked how the boys had managed to obtain a pair of McGonagall's bloomers. Before he could begin to explain, someone behind him inquired:

"I was wondering much the same thing, Mr. Black. Do you think you could enlighten me of just... how... YOU... MANGAGED... TO... STEAL!... MY!... INTIMATE! WEAR!"

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter slowly turned.

And stared into the face of Professor McGonagall.

"Detention. Now. Follow me," she snapped curtly.

With that, she snatched her skivvies, frame and all, and marched out of the room.

* * *

McGonagall frog-marched the boys to the third floor, making them stop outside a room which none of them had seen before. This was probably due to the fact that the door itself was a mere two and a half feet tall. Mustering a surprising amount of force for a woman her age, McGonagall took the time to individually stuff each troublemaker into the undersized room.

"Your detention will be laundry duty until midnight. You will scrub bed sheets until you've learned not to touch my lingerie! You will not use magic."

All four dolefully handed over their magic sticks. Their professor then slammed the door and stalked off.

From his seat on the floor, Remus surveyed the tiny room. It contained several white wash tubs, a chute labeled 'clean laundry', and another chute, the metal container at the bottom of which was overflowing with dirty bed sheets. He shifted uncomfortably and looked down to see just what was causing such a prickly sensation in his posterior. When he saw two miniature legs and a pair of small arms protruding from under him, he jumped up with a start and smacked his head on the low ceiling. The unlucky Gryffindor lay on the ground twitching slightly. He muttered something like "Imawerwlf" before passing out.

"What'd he say?" asked James.

"Dunno," replied Sirius.

Immediately, the tiny form on the ground leapt to its feet and proclaimed:

"Hello, sirs! I is Thundertoes the house elf. How may I be of service?"

Just then, the elf noticed Remus's unconscious form.

Tears immediately leaked from Thundertoes's eyes as he wailed, "I is a bad little elf!

It is all my fault that young master is dead!"

"He's not dead!" Peter interjected.

"Yes he is!" countered Sirius, winking at Peter. "Oh, how could you Thundertoes?"

"Masters, I is doing anything to make it up to you!" Thundertoes cried, right before he cast himself into the nearest wash bin.

James fished the disheveled house elf out of the tub and reasoned, "It's alright, Little Thunder, we didn't like him much anyway. I'll tell you what; why don't you wash these bed sheets for us and we'll call it even?"

"Oh thank you, good sir! Thundertoes is forever indebted to you!" the little guy squeaked as he flung his arms around James's leg.

The next four hours flew by as the boys' newest friend washed all of the bed sheets and the boys amused themselves with stories of pranks past. Thundertoes, who was listening in on their conversation, quickly had them laughing uproariously with stories of tricks he had pulled on the elf population of Hogwarts. Despite the lack of headroom, they boys still had a sporting time.

At midnight, the door magically opened and the boys bid Thundertoes farewell. James and Sirius dragged Remus (who had actually been conscious for quite some time) out into the hall. With plenty of pent up energy, all four sprinted to Gryffindor Tower, ran through the deserted common room and dashed into their dormitory. Their wands awaited them at their bedsides. Quickly, they gathered the supplies necessary for their mission. James grabbed his invisibility cloak, Sirius grabbed everyone's broomsticks, Peter grabbed sandwiches, and Remus grabbed a piece of parchment.

This was no 'spare piece of parchment', mind you. This particular piece of paper was bewitched to plot any area within the castle that it was taken to. If the boys were going to be spending time exploring, Remus at least wanted to have a workable map of the school.

Needless to say, it was a tight fit to get four boys, four broomsticks, four sandwiches, and a piece of parchment under the invisibility cloak.

* * *

Down on the first floor, Sirius opened the giant hump in the witch's back and each boy lowered himself into the tunnel. All four held their lit wands between their teeth and mounted their brooms. They had to fly low, so as to avoid the roof of the tunnel, but it was just wide enough for two to ride abreast. Of course, given the competitive nature of the Gryffindors, the ride quickly escalated into a dimly lit, full contact broom race reminiscent of a Muggle go-cart racing video game.

As he sped along at a breakneck speed, Sirius snatched a clump of oversized mushrooms from the cave wall. They immediately began circling around his broom. He shot all three towards James, who was unseated by the fungus attack. Shortly thereafter, Peter ran into a shining star that was floating in the middle of the passage. Immediately, he began to glow and he somehow managed to knock Sirius off his broom simply by touching him. Remus, who was trailing behind the others, grabbed at a thunderbolt that had suddenly appeared in front of him. Peter, James, and Sirius all shrunk to half their usual size and slowed to half of their previous pace. Remus shot past his friends, but fell off his broom when he crashed into a hovering bomb.

Six minutes, numerous body checks, and several sloth grip rolls later, the foursome cruised to a stop in front of a stone staircase. The final standing for the race from first to last was: James, Peter, Sirius, and finally Remus. Despite his other shortcomings, Peter was a fair flier.

James, as the victor, had the honor of being the first to climb the stairs and open the trapdoor he discovered at the top. He opened it a crack and took a cautious glance before throwing the hatch back and hoisting himself into the cellar of Honeydukes.

"Bloody Brilliant!" The boys exhaled in unison as they surveyed the boxes of sweets.

James and Sirius drooled over a crate of pepper imps, while Peter pocketed packets of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum. Remus, who was feeling adventurous, swallowed an entire handful of Bertie Blott's Beans.

A sudden thump from upstairs broke them from their reveries. Remus spat out his lump of every flavor beans onto Peter's shoe, while Sirius quickly took charge. He handed each of his friends a random crate and ushered them down the trapdoor. Once down in the tunnel, the delinquents sped off on their brooms, each with a crate of sweets under his arm.

What seemed only moments later, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter arrived back at the witch's statue. As it was 1:30 AM, They all climbed out cautiously and quietly - except for Peter, who lost his balance, and in his flailing, somehow managed to dislodge out the witch's eye from its socket. James picked it up off the floor and pocketed it.

Remus figured that even attempting to fit under the invisibility cloak with so much to carry would be futile, and consequently, the four decided that flying up to their dormitory as fast as they could was actually their best chance of not being caught by Filch. James led the way through the twisting hallways and staircases of Hogwarts with his friends behind him.

After a sleepy "hello boys" from the very drowsy Fat Lady (rumor had it that she had a crush on Sirius), the boys finally returned to their dormitory. When the realization of the events of the night fully set in, they collapsed on their beds in silent laughter at their own antics. It took a few moments for the boys to remember their spoils.

"We're pretty much pirates!"

"Candy Con Men!"

"Sweet Stealing Scallywags!"

"Plunderers!"

"Rogues!"

"Marauders!"

Peter got up to open his crate first, as he was the hungriest, even though he had eaten all four sandwiches. He spilled the contents to reveal an assortment of chocolate frogs, pepper imps, ice mice, and tooth flossing stringmints. The chubby boy cast himself into the pile of sweets like a four year old into a pile of leaves. Remus was next to open his. He took one look inside and emptied his crate of cockroach clusters on Peter's bed. Next, James cracked his crate, and to everyone's delight, discovered enough Butterbeer to host a party in Gryffindor Tower. As he handed a bottle each to everyone in the room, James noticed how much trouble Sirius was having opening his own box. An instant before the crate split open, James also noticed that the crate was labeled PRIVATE STORES OF ALFRED HONEYDUKE. The box split apart into pieces, and Sirius' jaw dropped as he laid his eyes on an entire case of...

Ogden's Best Firewhisky.

To be continued...