Measure of Trust

Sirius

I can hardly stand to look at him now. Cannot bear to touch him. And yet my love for him still consumes me.

How could he? How could he have done this terrible thing - why could he not have trusted me?

What was he offered that was better than what we have? Had.

My beloved Remus. How could he become a Death Eater? How could he have become something that is so decidedly against his nature? Why did we not see it?

And I still have to ask - what was he offered?

Acceptance? He has that from those who care about him. But not from the community in general. And he craves that acceptance.

Love? He has love - is loved. Not only by me, but also by James and Lily. Not to mention Peter and the rest of the order. Remus is just naturally loveable. But then, he also craves love like he craves acceptance.

Perhaps he's been offered a way to tame the wolf.

That he would find irresistible.

We've not made love for a couple of months now. I can't bear to touch him. Knowing what he has become. Wondering when he will betray us all.

He has no idea what we have kept from him. No idea the pain I feel as I prepare myself to do what has to be done.

No idea that I feel like my heart has been torn to shreds. And yet I will love him beyond the day I die.

Remus

Something is terribly wrong, and has been for months now. Sirius barely looks at me - never touches me. We don't even share a bed any more.

I've almost forgotten what it feels like to be loved by him. It's obvious he can barely stand to be in the same room as me.

I wonder who he has found. I wonder when he will tell me.

I wonder what I've done that has caused my star to withdraw his light from me.

The problem is, I've felt the same restraint from all of my friends. A subtle withdrawing. I suppose I should not have expected that they would want to continue friendship with me.

I am, after all, a fully-grown werewolf. A Dark Creature.

Voldemort has approached me. He wants my allegiance. As if!

Reluctantly, I've allowed myself to be persuaded by Dumbledore to go along for a while. He wants me to act as a spy for him. He said I'd not be alone - that there is another there who will ensure I am not harmed.

I wish I knew who it was.

Sirius must know what I am doing!

And still he withdraws.

Does he have any idea how much I am bleeding inside? The cessation of his love is almost impossible to bear.

And yet how arrogant of me to think that I would be the object of Sirius Black's eternal affection. After all, he's loved me for almost ten years now - so he was bound to be bored sooner or later.

I wish it was later.

Soon, I will have to leave. Have to go on this mission for Dumbledore. And Sirius will not even acknowledge my leaving.

My heart is breaking, and yet I know I must go on. And I know I will love him beyond the day I die.