Self-Conscious

Self-Conscious

By Madelynn

"Stop it!" Lily had had enough. She slammed down her fork and glared across the table, to where James Potter was staring at her as she ate her lunch.

"Stop what?" He gazed back at her innocently.

"Looking at me like that!"

"Like what? I'm not doing anything wrong. "

"What is it? Have I got lettuce in my teeth or something?"

"Why don't you believe me? When have I ever lied to you?"

"Would you like the list in alphabetical order, or most to least relevant?"

"Alphabetical."

"I was being sarcastic."

"Okay, okay." He gave her a smug look.

"Well, stop it," Lily said firmly, then went back to her food. Honestly, what was the matter with him, anyway? Ever since the Halloween Feast, she had caught him several times staring at her as though she had grown horns. And for a thirteen-year-old girl who was already going through a rather self-conscious stage, this was not helping.

Feeling eyes on her again, she glanced up just in time to see him look down. Beside him, Sirius Black laughed at something and shoved him. James looked down at the table with an embarrassed sort of smile.

So that was it. They were making fun of her. She had caught him at it, and so he was embarrassed. He was "losing his touch," not being able to get away with it. They had always done that in first year, but in second year they weren't as bad, and she had thought that this year it would stop, maybe they could be friends. Apparently not. And now they were going to start teasing her again: her hair, her eyes, her lack of height, her talent in Charms, they would all be up on the slaughtering block again.

Fine.

Let him try.

She wouldn't care in the least.

Lily ate the rest of her lunch as aloofly as she could, and held her head high when she finished, as she was forced to walk past where he was sitting to leave.

Sirius nudged him, and he retorted under his breath.

Lily kept her head high. Nothing they could say could hurt her. Nothing.

Oh, but if they would just make fun of her to her face it would be so much more bearable! Not being able to know what they were laughing at was not fun at all. At least if they were more verbal she could retort before she rushed off to her dorm to not cry.

In the corner of her eye, she saw James stand up, then sit down quickly. Then stand up again. Then sit down. Sirius said something to him and before Lily knew what was happening, James Potter was striding towards her, a determined look on his face.

Oh, coming to challenge her, was he? Fine. She wouldn't let him know if it hurt. She wouldn't let him upset her. She wouldn't let him see that she really had wanted to maybe be friends this time. She would be strong.

He stopped before her, but seemed unable to meet her eyes, suddenly very scared looking.

"Hi Lily," he mumbled.

She set her jaw. Whatever was coming, she would not show any emotion.

"You... you look really... really pretty today." He glanced at a spot over her head, than beside her, than at the floor.

Oh no - what was wrong with her that he couldn't even look at her? If he said she was pretty, there must be something wrong - that's just how James Potter was. Was her hair sticking up? Her mascara smudged? Because she had only just begun wearing makeup and hadn't quite mastered that stupid little wand yet and sometimes -

"I... was wondering..." He mumbled something incomprehensible.

"What?" she asked, rather harshly. She immediately regretted her tone, but was nervous. Why was he acting so strangely? This was not something she knew how to lash back at. Oh no - was he going to curse her?

"If maybe you wanted to go get a Butterbeer with me on the weekend?" He finally made eye contact, and grinned, rather forcedly.

So that was it. James Potter had begun to try his hand at dating a few months previous, and it was her turn to trail along after him before he got bored and moved on, leaving her heartbroken. Either that, or he was mocking the fact that while many in their year had begun dating, Lily had not. Yes, he was probably mocking her.

"I don't think so," she said, hoping to salvage a little of her pride.

"Oh," he said, a strange, unreadable expression on his face. "Oh. Yeah, that's fine. Whatever. Plenty of other girls who'd love to go out with me." By this point he was standing himself up straighter; rather funny, as he wasn't exactly the tallest or fittest boy in their year.

"Then," she said as sweetly as she could, not forgetting that when she had looked in the mirror that morning she had thought herself particularly hideous, "you should go ask one of them."

"I will then!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"Fine."

"Fine!" He turned and stormed back to the table.

Well, Lily though, as she walked quickly away from the Great Hall, that was an interesting experience. She had stopped his teasing plenty of times before in previous years, and he had never been that upset...