Hate

Remus walked, exhausted, into courtroom 9. He bit back the horrible memories of the last time he had been there, for his own trial. Those memories centered on Sirius, and he didn't want to think about Sirius. He couldn't help it, though, and the images came flooding in. Himself chained with silver to the chair; James actually fighting back tears on the front row; Peter - poor Peter - staring blankly at the floor, his face pasty white. And Sirius, that traitor, standing by his side, pleading for them to take him instead of his friend, telling them how it had been entirely his fault, standing up to anyone who called him creature, animal, beast.

Someone put a hand on his shoulder and Remus jumped, half expecting to see a ministry official, armed with a silver gun, but it was just Dumbledore, trying to bring him out of his painful reverie.

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears

"Remus, my dear boy," the old headmaster said, a sad smile forcing its way onto his face. "Come, sit with me, I know how hard this must be for you."

Remus followed, though he knew that the headmaster had no idea how hard it was. More images flashed behind his eyes, pushing against the tears he was already trying to hold in.

"Moony!" Sirius called out in a singsong voice, "we've got something to show you!"

"Oh, so is that why I'm locked out of our dorm?"

"Yep. Now, count to ten and come on in!"

He closed his eyes, smiling at Sirius' antics, and did as he was told. At the count of eleven, he opened the door and walked in. No people were there, least of all his friends as he knew them. Instead, there was a large stag with black antlers, an enormous black dog, and a small gray rat sitting on the dog's head. The stag took a step closer, nudging forward with his antlers, where Remus could see a note pinned.

Dear Remus,

You like? I'm the dog, James is the stag, and Peter is the rat. We've finally all managed the animagus transformation, and now we can be with you during the full moon! We promised you three years ago that we would never abandoned you, and now we fulfill that promise.

Your friends,

Sirius, James, and Peter

PS: Don't tell Dumbledore

When Remus had looked up then, the three animals had been blurred through his tears. Now he saw Dumbledore blurred the same way. Remus forced himself to try and think of Sirius as a traitor now, and not as a friend who would spend three years working on a potentially life-threatening spell just to make his life easier.

and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
for your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

Dumbledore seemed to understand and silently steered Remus to a seat in the middle. Remus barely noticed. Barely even noticed when all the other people who were serving as witnesses arrived. Didn't even turn to look when the minister walked in. He was focused inward, on the hole that seemed to have been ripped in his heart. He wanted the pain to go away, but doubted it ever would.

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

You couldn't just get over such a betrayal. Two of his best friends were dead because of the other! And yet - and this is what hurt him so much - Remus couldn't bring himself to hate Sirius.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years

Oh, Sirius, he though to his caged friend, we gave you so much, went through so much together, and what have we gotten in return? Why can't I spit on your memory like all these others? Why can't I just turn my back on you? Why did you do it, anyway? Was it my fault somehow? Was there anything I could have done that would have kept you by our side?

but you still have all of me

I used to watch you and James, did you ever know? I was amazed at how easily you could do everything. I could feel how kind and good you were, deep inside. You could have been friends with everyone, Slytherins included. I used think you realized that, and the power scared you, and that's why you were so horrible to everyone. Maybe that's just how you are, though.

you used to captivate me by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind

The lights flickered suddenly and Remus looked up, eyes focused sharply on the other door in the room. It flung open, creaking loudly, and three figures walked in. One sat in the chair and was immediately bound, the other two left and the torches came to life again.

For the first time since he'd been brought in to identify the "blibbering, incoherent murderer", Remus looked at his friend of 12 years. He was haggard already almost beyond recognition. The madness had receded, but it had been replaced by fear and pain of such intensity that it hurt Remus to look.

your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

"Sirius Black," Crouch boomed out, "you have been found guilty of the murders of twelve muggle by-standers and the wizard, Peter Pettigrew, and of being a Death Eater. For these crimes, you have been sentenced--"

"Wait!" Sirius' shout cut harshly through the crowd. "What about a trial?"

"Trial? For the likes of you?" Crouch sneered, letting his tone answer the question. "You have been sentenced to life in Azkaban. Take him away."

"NO! I'm innocent! I'm innocent!" Sirius' frantic eyes as the dementors grabbed his arms and started to drag him off locked onto Remus. "Moony, please! I'm sorry! It wasn't me! I wasn't the one!"

your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

The sound of the Sirius' calls didn't cut off until the door shut again, but Remus knew it wouldn't fade for him until long after. The heart-wrenching please cut through his last remaining bit of control and he bolted from the room as soon as possible, tears making tracks down his cheeks.

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

Memories flooded him, assaulting his mind, ripping away his ability to feel in the present.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

"Sirius, is that you?"

"Go away, Lupin."

"Sirius? What's wrong. What's this?"

"A letter" *sniff* "from my mother."

"Oh, that's nice. Isn't it?"

"Yeah, sure. Except the parts where she calls me a 'blood-traitor' and that the only reason I wasn't in Slytherin was because I wasn't smart enough, because I'm obviously not brave."

"..."

"Yeah, I know, I get it, okay? I don't need your pity."

"Sirius, I'm not someone who gives out pity. It's not good for you. But she's wrong, you are brave. Now, here, wipe your face, calm down, and hurry to herbology. I'll cover for you 'till you get there."

"Whatever" *sniff* "Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

"It's an ambush!" Jame's voice called out the warning just moments too late.

"Prongs! Padfoot's already in there!" Remus shouted. James cursed, Remus heard it from behind. He was heading inside.

"Moony, wait!" Peter tried to hold him back, but Remus shook him off and sped up, throwing himself through the same window that he's just watched Sirius crash into.

He rolled and came to a stop under a table, shooting off curses at anyone he didn't recognize, and a few he recognized all too well. His heart skipped a beat as the word Crucio registered just above the din and Sirius' scream cut through all other noise. With a roar, Remus jumped out of his hiding place, shaking off stunners and other curses alike as he stormed through the crowd to find his friend.

The screaming stopped, but Remus had already zeroed in on its source - just behind a nondescript door to the side. He forced his way through, blasting the door off its hinges and stood over Sirius, lying prone, panting, and barely conscious on the floor. Remus cast a stunner at the attacker, picked Sirius up with one hand, and jumped out the bay window that barely lit the small room.

They were out.

and I held your hand through all of these years

"Sirius," Remus greeted the once-proud boy who now sat slumped and defeated-looking on the floor.

"Remus. I...I'm...I'm so sorry." Sirius didn't look at him.

"What you said back there. Did you mean it?" His heart felt like it would collapse if Sirius didn't.

"The part about me being a prat?" Always humor with Sirius.

"The part about us being brothers." Sirius sighed and looked up at him, his face red and puffy, as if he'd been crying, or doing his best not to.

"Moony, you've met my family. Every last one of them pales in comparison to you. I can't express how sorry I am that I let my temper hurt you so much. Please can we still be friends?" He extended his hand.

"It's like you said, Padfoot," Remus said, taking the hand and gripping it firmly, "we're brothers."

but you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

He's a murderer, he's a traitor, he's not Padfoot anymore, Remus repeated the mantra over and over in his head. It barely held back the memories.

but though you're still with me

Finally, something clicked that stopped the reminiscence in its tracks. What if he's never been our friend? What if he was loyal to Voldemort from the beginning? Maybe he isn't a traitor, because he never intended to do anything else all along...

I've been alone all along

Then all that past was for nothing...

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

and I've held your hand through all of these years

"I gave you everything, you murderer!" Remus shouted to the empty hall, holding himself for warmth on the cold stone floor. "We gave you everything! You said we were your family! You looked me in the eye and called me brother! Why did you do it? WHY CAN'T I HATE YOU FOR IT?"

but you still have all of me.