Feeling Bad

Sirius sat in the tiny holding cell, his knees drawn up to his chest, trying to hold off the cold of the dementors that kept watch. It wasn't working, and he was chilled to the bone and harrowed by memories of James and Lily, and Peter. His head sank into his chest as he was filled with guilt and anger and despair.

Did you ever in your life before

feel as bad as this?

The last time he'd been anywhere near this courtroom or this depression was when he'd let Snape know how to reach Moony and Remus had ended up on trial for his life. Sirius had done everything he could to get the blame put on himself and it was that, probably more than any words of apology he could possibly give, that had mended their friendship.

Or at least, he'd thought it had mended their friendship.

Did you ever in good time think

my life had gone amiss?

How could he have thought their friendship mended if now it was falling apart at the seams? He had spent the last six months convinced that Remus was a Death Eater, and because of that, Remus was now in a position where he must believe Sirius to be one!

The call came and the dementors led him in. The courtroom was full of angry, accusatory, disgusted faces all hiding a suppressed jubilation leftover from Voldemort's sudden fall from power; and there, in the middle of them all, was Remus, looking about as bad as Sirius felt.

Now I feel I've been unfair

'cause I catch you hanging there.

How could he have suspected dear Moony? As if his packmate would ever turn against them. And now he felt even guiltier as he looked at his friend's expression, knowing that he, Sirius Black, was the cause of it. He barely even felt it when the chains sprang to life and bound him to the chair.

Did you ever in your life before

feel as bad as this?

"Sirius Black," the man presiding over the trial boomed, drawing Sirius away from his dark musings, "you have been found guilty of the murders of twelve muggle by-standers and the wizard, Peter Pettigrew, and of being a Death Eater. For these crimes, you have been sentenced-"

Sentenced? Sirius thought frantically.

"Wait!" he cried out, his voice hoarse even to his own ears. "What about a trial?"

"Trial? For the likes of you?" Crouch sneered, letting his tone answer the question. The deep pit of fear Sirius hadn't let himself feel suddenly threatened to swallow him up. "You have been sentenced to life in Azkaban. Take him away."

The dementors closed in around him as the chair let him loose.

"NO! I'm innocent! I'm innocent!" He cried, but no one seemed to want to hear him. For the first time since he'd walked in, he dared to look in the eyes of his hurting friend. "Moony, please! I'm sorry! It wasn't me! I wasn't the one!"

But not even Remus would believe him now. All he could see in that familiar face before the heavy door shut it out was anguish, accusation...hatred.

God knows I tried a half a year

but it didn't do no good.

|| It was the first time they were all together since Dumbledore had broken the news to James that the traitor was one of the Marauders. James had, of course, told Sirius the moment he'd gotten back. The two of them had been closer than brothers for the longest time, and they knew, without a doubt, that both of them were trustworthy. Sirius had suspected Peter at first, but sitting there, laughing squeakily at one of James' jokes, Wormtail wasn't acting like a traitor.

Remus, on the other hand, was conspicuously quiet. Sirius had tried to ignore it all through dinner, not wanting to listen to the horrible suspicions his mind was whispering. But when Remus reached for something and his sleeve rode up, revealing marks Sirius recognized. Marks made by silver chains.

"We caught another werewolf Death Eater today," Sirius revealed, trying to make his tone light and chatty. "That's the sixth one this month, and we know there are more out there. It seems like Voldemort is trying to recruit every werewolf in Britain. You haven't heard anything, have you Moony?" He hoped against hope that Remus would respond, that he'd take the way out.

My damnedest try to make it work,

I knew it never would.

"No," Remus responded quietly, then went back to eating his pudding, not looking anywhere but at his own bowl. ||

Now there's nothin' wrong with you,

Now he knew better. It just wasn't Remus' way to go to others for his problems. Remus was no traitor. He never had been. He had just been Remus, and for some reason, that had been enough to make Sirius suspect him.

and there's nothing you could ever do.

God knows I tried a half a year

but it didn't do no good.

The dementors locked him back in the holding cell and drifted away. The further away the fiends got, the lighter the memories became, until Sirius could remember everything. The first time he'd met James, Peter, and Remus on the Hogwarts Express - how he'd insulted each and every one of them until James beat the crap out of him. The second time James had beat the crap out of him there in the Gryffindor dormitories, but not until after Sirius had broken his nose. How by Christmas hols they were getting into fights and losing points so regularly that the rest of Gryffindor had locked them in a closet together for the weekend - they'd beat on the doors almost the entire first day, beat on each other a lot of the second, but finally exhaustion had forced them to stop and actually talk. By the time they were let out, Sirius Black and James Potter were inseparable friends.

He remembered the day they became animagi for Remus and the look on the boy's face when they'd shown him. Possibly the happiest he'd ever seen his friend.

The times were good,

but over now,

a pleasant memory.

Sirius sighed. He doubted Remus would ever be that happy again. The dementors returned to stand guard and Sirius realized that smiles were not a part of his life anymore.

I'm sorry, there's another face

one that's close to me.

Anger, depression, and the awful blankness would be the only expressions within a fifty-mile radius for the rest of his life.

You know 'bout what I learned

Peter, Peter Pettigrew, little Wormtail had been the traitor all along.

and there's no stone left unturned.

"Someday," Sirius vowed aloud, "someday, I'll find Peter. He can't hide forever. And when I find him, nothing short of the fates themselves will save him."

The times were good,

but over now,

a pleasant memory.