The Gathering Clouds of Nonsense

The Gathering Clouds of Nonsense

Professor McGonagall came out of the ladies' bathroom yelling with great gusto. Students quickly got out of her way. Some noticed wetness about her caboose. Professor Snape came running to her asking her what all of the commotion was about. She took some deep breaths and then with restrained anger told him that someone had stretched plastic wrap over the crapper and then put the seat down. When she sat down to do her daily duty it sprayed up all over her backside. A slight smile came to Professor Snape's mouth, while some of the students began to laugh, but quickly stopped when Professor McGonagall gave them a severe look. She pushed through everyone and could be heard saying that when she caught the prankster he would be cleaning toilets with his tongue.

Time moves on.

Ron Weasley slowly removed the wrapping paper on a package that was sent to him. He had no idea what it was and who sent it to him. It was a strange looking item. It was black and somewhat heavy. It was like two telescopes attached together. There were glasses on both ends of the telescopes. One end was narrow and the other end wide. Harry came in and noticed Ron had a confused look on his face. This however, was not abnormal because Ron always had a confused look on his face. It was then that Harry saw what Ron was looking at, they were binoculars. Harry, told Ron what they were and what they were used for. It was then that Ron remembered that Hagrid had used one of these to watch the Quidditch contests. They decided to take them up to the tower and have a look about. However, Ron reminded Harry, that these were a gift to him so he would be the first one to have a crack at them. When they reached the tower, Harry showed Ron how to use them. Ron took them and placed them over his eyes and looked. The view was fantastic. He moved them round and round looking at everything in sight. It was so cool how these brought things close. Ron even put his hand out to try and touch a tree he was looking at. Harry laughed at Ron's effort and told him that one could not do that. When Ron removed the binoculars from his eyes, Harry doubled over with laughter. Ron was instantly angry and asked what was so funny. Harry told him that there were two dark circles around his eyes. Harry grabbed the binoculars and fingered the lenses, discovering a black substance around the eyepieces. He also noted that the black substance did not rub off his fingers. Ron was horrified because if the black stuff didn't come off Harry's fingers it probably wouldn't come off around his eyes either. They raced to the boys' bathroom and tried to wash the stuff off. This effort failed and it confirmed his fears. At least for a while he would look like Ronny Raccoon. He did try and hide his face from everyone, but soon many saw what he was trying to hide and when they saw it they almost choked with laughter. Hermione was trying to be comforting, but she was also letting out some smirks. How, she thought to herself, does he get himself into these situations?

Time moves on.

Hagrid entered his home and found a plate full of baked bars sitting on his table. There was no note so he didn't know who had left them. He threw his coat in the corner of his house and then walked over to his table to taste the delicious looking bars. He took two bars at once and dumped them into his mouth. He noted how sweet the chocolate tasted and yet there was something a little funny about it. Hagrid took another and plopped it into his mouth and again thought that there was a taste that was just a bit off. By now, Fang wanted to have his share of the goodies. Hagrid tossed a couple into his faithful companion's mouth and Fang just swallowed them whole. Starting to feel just a tad full Hagrid stopped his grazing on the bars and sat down on his favorite chair. About an hour later Hagrid noticed a mild discomfort in his stomach. He sat up and when he did this a full force of pain came into him. He needed to go to the biffy and now. His thunder box was outside. After reaching it, he sat down and let go with force. After a while he tried to sit up, but when he did another wave of pain came. He immediately sat down and repeated the process. He thought he must have been sitting in there for a couple of hours. He then thought he might have to camp in there. He was exhausted and sweating. The bars he thought must have been tainted. He decided that enough was enough and got up. He opened the door and stepped out into a disgusting deposit left by Fang. This didn't seem to bother him because he loved creatures and although unpleasant this was part of it. He decided to try and make it to the castle. He pinched his legs together and made his way to the Great Hall. After a huge effort on his part, Hagrid made it to the Great Hall, where the students were eating lunch. With a booming voice he asked who the bounder was that gave him the loaded bars. Everyone looked at each other, having no idea what he was talking about. Their waggish expressions made him all the more fussed. In his heightened anger he raised his hand into to the air to yell something when another wave of pain came. He turned about and left the Great Hall, the students noting how funny he looked with his massive legs pinched together. Most of them also noting the little puffs of potent air coming out of his wazoo. They could hear him yelling down the hallway. Days later he still felt the full force of rump rot from all of his visits to the outhouse.

Time goes on.

Although there were mild tremors going through the student body about the jokes played upon their fellow Hogwartians, most of them didn't think much about it. As usual Fred and George Weasley were the prime suspects. They were pish and tush when it came to nonsense. However, all that changed one day when the twins decided to sneak into the prefect's bathroom and have a dip in the bath. Before stripping down, they noticed that there was water already in the bath. They stripped down and dove in, the warm foamy water surrounded them. It felt great and well worth the stealth it took to enter in to it. At least that is what they thought at the time. They splashed about enjoying their swim wishing they had some babes joining them. They sighed and thought girls or not it was still great fun. After a while they had enough and decided to leave. When they got out of the bath they stood and stared at each other in amazement. They were victims of a supreme prank worthy of them. Fred and George Weasley were now the color purple, from head to toe. They tried to wipe it off with towels, but their effort failed. They looked like two grapes. The purple color, however, did not affect their hair, which was still red. These two colors combined made them look even more ridiculous. Nevertheless, they had respect for their fellow prankster who ever he was. They had already ruled out the possibility of the prankster being a female, girls just didn't have the knack for great tricks. So they got dressed and went public with their new look and tried to give everyone who saw them an idea that this was exactly how they wanted to look. Many laughed and when their sister Ginny saw them she laughed so hard she was crying. Finally someone pulled a lark on them. She thought they deserved every purple part of it.

It was early one morning, when Hermione woke up. She sat up in her bed took a look around and thought it was a fine day for classes. Most found her sort of mental because she loved school, classes and even schoolwork. She loved the challenge of study and the acquiring of facts and theories. Some saw her as bossy and a know-it-all. She was seldom wrong and if she were wrong at something, she would go to great lengths to never be wrong at it again. There was another fact that set her apart from most students and that was that she was a very close friend of the famous Harry Potter. Most students thought that she and Harry fancied each other, but for some reason she chose, Ronald Weasley, another close friend of Harry Potter. This was confusing because she was very smart and Weasley was as smart as a wooden post.

Hermione rolled over and grabbed her daily planner. Her planner was her life, she consulted it all of the time. She planned all of her journeys around it. Today was no different, so she pulled the planner toward her and with great anticipation tried to open it to see what her activities would be for the day. When she took it she found that she couldn't open it. Upon further examination she discovered that someone had glued it shut. She was horror-stricken. To have her daily planner defiled like this was beyond belief. Who could have done this terrible deed? Who was this evil, mean nasty? This was to drain the cup of misery, total wretchedness at its height. With bluster of rage she arose from her bed, quickly got dressed and headed to Professor McGonagall's office to show her the damaged planner.

When she entered the office she saw the professor sitting in her chair. With rage Hermione slammed the planner on the professor's desk and demanded that these childish pranks cease. Professor McGonagall was at first in shock and then she slowly and with great control told Hermione that she would never enter her office again in such a fashion. After gaining her composure Hermione apologized. Hermione took her planner and handed it to the professor and explained what had happened. Professor McGonagall told Hermione that she would speak to Headmaster Dumbledore about this new prank.

The day proceeded, but without her planner, Hermione, was like a ship without a rudder. She had no guidance for her day. It was as if she had lost her best friend. She gave a sigh, because she knew it was rather late to go to Diagon Alley and purchase another. To her dismay she would have to suffer until she could get another planner. Nevertheless, she would carry on.

When she arrived at her class for History of Magic she was ready to turn about and just leave. Professor Binns was as dry as a mummy's fart. Although she loved the subject, she had to admit that the professor's presentation had a lot to be desired. During one class, as a lark, she asked Professor Binns to tell them the rich history of King Rootin Tootin and Queen Hatchie Tachie. However, he pulled a reverse on her and asked her to tell about them. Hermione was smoldering because there were no such people and the class was amazed that for once she was silent on a subject.

She saw that Ron and Harry had saved a seat for her. When she sat down, Ron handed her a wrapped package. When she opened it, her mouth opened wide. A tear formed in her eye as she looked at Ron, with an expression of total happiness. Ron had presented her with a new daily planner. She opened the first page and to her delight, he had written her a note. It said, Dear Hermione: I hate to see you miserable so I bought you this planner. Uh I sorta kind of love you. Ron. She gave him a hug, which he thoroughly enjoyed even though it was kind of embarrassing to have this display of affection in front of the whole turned red, when she gave him a snog on his nose. Although, he was again embarrassed he loved every minute of her attention. As the class moved to its exciting end there came an announcement that every one was to come to the Great Hall for a meeting with Headmaster Dumbledore.

Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other with some confusion, shrugged their shoulders and left for the hall. All were gathered in the Great Hall. There was much talking when the headmaster came to the podium. He didn't say anything for a full minute. He just looked at everyone. When all eyes were upon him, the various conversations ceased. He cleared his throat and said that there should never, never, never, never be pranks played upon students at Hogwarts. That this was a place of learning, not a place of hocus-pocus. The room full of students looked at him with bewilderment. When he realized what he had said, he changed the words to chicanery. Ron looked puzzled after he said the word chicanery. He nudged Hermione and asked her what the word meant. She told him that it meant no hocus-pocus. Ron nodded his still confused head and Harry just laughed. The headmaster assured everyone that the culprit would be caught and that student would reap what he sowed. Most looked at the Weasley twins, who may have turned kind of red from all of the attention, however, you could not tell because they were still purple.

Suddenly Professor Snape came through the entrance and whispered something to Headmaster Dumbledore. They quickly left the hall and went out to a corridor. Although, the students were not given permission to leave the hall many followed including Ron, Harry and Hermione. When they arrived they all stopped and looked around trying to see what the commotion was all about. Then someone yelled look and pointed at a wall. Most had puzzled looks on their faces. On the wall was written,

BEWARE THE BUFFOONERY WILL CONTINUE! P.S. SORRY ABOUT YOUR SORE BUTT, HAGRID.

It was signed, The Merry Menace. Hagrid gave a grunt and tried to hide himself. Some of the older students shuddered because the writing on the wall reminded them of the opening of the Chamber of Secrets. At least this warning didn't say there would be killings. However, some were petrified with laughter while looking at Hagrid, who was unsuccessful at hiding himself. Professor Snape asked rather loudly who could be doing this? Headmaster Dumbledore looked at him and shrugged his shoulders. Professor McGonagall gave a quick check of her backside to make sure all was dry and then shook her head and said that she had no ideas either. After this there was no more pranks until seven days later, when Millicent Bulsrude received a letter.

Dear Millicent Bulstrode:

I saw your picture in a Holiday for Hags brochure. I noticed that you have gained more weight. It was said that you got some of your old clothes out to see if they would fit. I was also said that you found a skirt that fit well, however, you didn't know where to put the other leg. Remember brain cells come and brain cells go, but "FAT" cells live forever!

The Merry Menace. P.S. Eat dessert first! After all, life is uncertain.

Millicent Bulstrode was furious, as she looked at her legs.

Another letter was delivered to Headmaster Dumbledore. It read, Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs. Congratulations on your newfound wealth. The Merry Menace. Dumbledore gave the letter some careful thought and then a smile came to his face as he began to laugh

The letters continued.

Dear My Cuddly Crabbe:

Meet me tonight at 8.00p.m. In the trophy room and you can have me as a trophy. Come alone, sit on the big stuffed chair that will be there and wait for me. The room will be dark so just come in and we will wiggle and giggle the night a way. Don't tell anyone. Yours, Pansy Parkinson

Crabbe was shaking with excitement the last time he felt this way was with his first love, Arnella Bilgewater.

Dear My Gorgeous Goyle:

Meet me in the trophy room tonight at 8.10 p.m. Come alone and don't tell anyone. I will be sitting on a big stuffed chair waiting with excitement. I want to taste and feel your lusty lips on mine. I want you to plant one on me big boy. When you come in, just rush in, don't say a word just dive onto my lap and suck my face off. I'll be counting the hours until we meet. Yours Pansy Parkinson

Goyle was so excited he nearly wet his pants, and the day could not move fast enough. He met Crabbe later and told him that he could not cause trouble that night because he had plans. Crabbe told him he had something going on too. They agreed to meet later, both excited to be able to tell the other about their romantic interlude with Pansy. Each of them saw Pansy a while later and gave her winks. She gave them both a weak smile, this smile made them both shiver and their lips quiver. She thought that they were just being their normal stupid selves.

The Merry Menace entered the trophy room undetected. The menace moved on to bug the room so that when the sparks flew between Crabbe and Goyle, the whole school would know of the wild, bold moment of action. The menace laughed with delight and then hid in a corner of the room waiting for the two blithering boobs to enter. The menace was totally invisible. At the magical moment the menace would flip a switch and soap operas would have two new heroes.

At precisely 8:00 the door slowly opened and the first member of the dating game entered. Crabbe walked into the chamber of love. He saw the outline of a large over stuffed chair in the center of the room. He slowly made his way to it. It was dark and he stumbled once, but then safely made it to the chair. He checked his breath and then checked to see if his deodorant was working. He now waited.

"My child, if you finally decide to let a man kiss you, put your whole heart and soul into it. No man likes to kiss a rock." Lady Chesterfield.

At 8:10 Goyle stopped at the door to the trophy room. He took a vial out of his pocket. It was a love potion he had asked Professor Snape to make for him. It was called Love Potion Number 9 and three quarters. Professor Snape guaranteed it would work after all look what it had done for him. Goyle took a deep breath and emptied the contents into his mouth. This was going to be the most exciting night of his life. He slowly opened the door and entered. He closed the door behind him and stood for a moment. He heard movement in front of him. He just made out an outline of a chair and to his delight there was some one in it. His Pansy Parkinson. He saw her as a giant donut to be devoured. Goyle couldn't contain himself anymore. He ran to the chair and dived on the figure sitting on it. The menace flipped the switch.

Goyle yelled, "Oh I want those Hot Lips!"

Crabbe screamed with passion, "Kiss me you fool!"

Goyle responded, "You're gonna get' em baby! Here comes your love muffin."

They were in a passionate embrace. Meanwhile the whole school was hearing this moment of ungovernable, simmering, volcanic love. Everyone stopped and listened intensely trying to figure out who the couple was and why they were privy to this behind-closed-doors moment. As the two continued their love feast, Pansy Parkinson remarked to another Slytherin student that this kind of desire would make a Roman blush.

After awhile even someone as thick as Crabbe and Goyle knew that there was something wrong with this situation. Both thought the other rather heavy and the small amount of facial hair on each of their cheeks rubbing against each other made them think that perhaps Pansy should consider shaving once in awhile.

Crabbe was the first to ask how Pansy could have gained so much weight in such a short time. Goyle asked him why he had such a square head? Crabbe told him that he wasn't Pansy and that he thought Goyle was Pansy. Normal wizards would have figured out this situation but for these two it still didn't quite sink in that they were duped. If Crabbe or Goyle would be hit with a brick it would take them two minutes after the hit to say ouch.

"Crabbe, is that you?" asked Goyle.

"I think so," said Crabbe

"Get off me!" said Crabbe.

It was then that they heard their voices echoing all over the room. They made their way to the door and slowly opened it. Goyle then asked Crabbe if he thought anyone else could hear them? However, the moment he uttered the first word he got his answer. He could hear his voice down the hallway. They both ran as best they could to the Slytherin common room hoping that no one heard them. Before leaving the trophy room the menace heard Goyle mumble that Snape's love potion number 9 and three quarters was just wasted. When the room was clear the menace stood up, turned off the switch and made the escape without being detected. The menace was able to hide in various places avoiding the many curious students making their way toward the direction they thought the loving voices came from. The menace laughed with delight. As time passed students would pucker their lips and blow kisses at both Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe and Goyle did their best to avoid the billing and cooing and threatened to pound on anyone who made fun of their designs on each other. However, there was one place they would go to no matter what the consequences and that was the Great Hall. Mass consumption of food was their calling in life. Although she was innocent of this practical joke, Pansy took her ribbing as well. The menace added to her misery by sending her a baby picture with Crabbe's face on it, telling her this was what their child would look like someday. To her horror Goyle came up to her and had the brass to suggest that they get together. Pansy slapped him so hard his head almost spun around. Soon Crabbe and Goyle avoided Pansy like the plague.

All was quiet on the Hogwarts front until one morning.

The menace brought a small stone into the Great Hall during the night. Then incanted, "Enormous Ginormitous." Instantly the small stone turned into a boulder. The menace then took out a new Firebolt broom and placed into a crevice of the boulder. The menace put a spell onto the broom and boulder so that only one person could pull out the Firebolt. The menace then gave out a loud laugh and left.

Morning arrived; the students entered the Great Hall for breakfast. They all came to notice the broom and the boulder. They approached it with caution and slowly began to inspect it. Professor Dumbledore moved the gathering crowd and went to the object of attention. It was then he saw letters scrawled on the boulder and it read, "Whomever removes this broom may have it." Dumbledore turned slowly toward the students and explained what was written. He then said, "Well, start a line and one by one make your attempt to remove the broom!" The students got into file and order and one by one made their attempts. Each got two pulls and then left to make room for the next person. The line dwindled in short time. Fred and George Weasley tried, but to their dismay they could not complete the task. Even Ginny got her turn, but also failed. Harry didn't bother, because he already had one and Hermione, didn't try either, because she didn't care about the broom and besides that she hated to fly.

There were only a handful of students left. Then it was Ron Weasley's turn. He approached the boulder and then giving Harry and Hermione a pessimistic look took hold of the broom and pulled. The broom slid from the boulder with ease. Ron was in shock. Everyone was stunned. Professor Dumbledore looked at Ron holding the broom and gave him a nod of approval. He then began to applaud the effort with the rest of the students following his lead. Ron couldn't believe his luck; he finally had a first class broom. Some of the students hoisted him on their shoulders and paraded him around the hall. When they let him down he held his prize close. It was then that he noticed some writing on the broom itself. He couldn't believe what the words said. It read, "I love you!" It was signed by the Menace. Ron looked around the room knowing that only his family would say such a thing, well maybe not. Maybe some hot witch was crushin on him, which was next to impossible. Then the seldom-used light bulb lit up in his head. There was only one person who would write such a declaration. He looked at Hermione and she smiled back. Ron was stunned. He could not believe that she was the menace.

Although no one had any ill effects after this latest caper by the menace, Dumbledore knew where to draw the line. He commanded everyone to be silent. He then ordered all students to remain in the Great Hall and anyone outside must enter it and stay until dismissed. Time passed and all the students had been gathered into the hall. Dumbledore again silenced the students. He began to address them telling them that he admired the creativity of the menace and that he was delighted that no one was injured, with the exception of their pride, it was time to put an end to the gathering clouds of nonsense. He then announced that all would remain until the menace identified himself. If they had to remain there all day and night that would be okay with him. He went and sat down. The waiting period had begun.

Three hours had passed and no one confessed. Students eyed each other with suspicion and hopeful expressions that the menace would speak up so they could get on with life. Ron looked at Hermione who as usual was reading a book. Ron clutched his new Firebolt. He still wasn't sure about all of this, but he would bloody well put up a good scrap if anyone tried to take the broom from him.

Slowly a figure arose and to everyone's disbelief it was Hermione. She got up and walked toward Dumbledore. He leaned forward and blinked a few times thinking that he must indeed be seeing things. Certainly he thought that there was no way that Miss Granger, straight A student, lover of books, lover of order, good and honesty could be the menace. This just could not be. Hermione cleared her throat and then confessed to the pranks. She said that she was tired of being labeled as a "Goody Goody Two Shoes!" She wanted to step out of her character and be just plain bad. She then looked directly at Professor Snape and said, "Love Potion 9 and Three Quarters, Oh Honestly." Snape looked as if he couldn't keep the wolf from the door. He was red enough to make a bull angry.

Dumbledore looked at her rather sternly and then broke into a wide grin. He then said that he did not condone pranks, but he did admire her creativity. However, she did do things that merited some kind of punishment and he would leave that to Professor McGonagall, her house leader. There were mumbles and grumbles among the students. Some gave her severe looks while others winked and smiled. Fred and George Weasley came to her and shook her hand, she noticed that there was still some purple on their hands. They then welcomed her to the order of mayhem. Harry and Ron came over to her and stood by her giving the impression that they would protect her even though she had played pranks on them. Ron still clutched his broom. Most of the students acknowledged that they had been had and that it did blow away some of the boredom of the day to day activities. The crowd filed out and soon it was just Harry, Ron and Hermione. They all laughed and left.

Later that day, Hermione, met with Professor McGonagall. She gave Hermione a severe look as she remembered the plastic on the toilet. She said to Hermione, that she trusted that her reign of terror had ended. Hermione gave her a nod of her head. She then gave Hermione her punishment. When Hermione, heard it, she thought it worse then death. She was to be banned from the library for two weeks. Any books needed for class assignments would have to be brought to her by other students. The professor then stood up and said that she now could go and take a proper pee without fear. She then walked past Hermione. However, before she closed the door, Hermione told her that she was really sorry about the plastic and her wet watoosie. Professor McGonagall looked at her with great severity and said to her that Potter and Weasley have been bad influences on her and that should she and Weasley get married some day, Heaven help the wizard world. She then closed the door. When she was gone, Hermione let out a slight giggle.

Dedicated to Emma Watson.