In the absence of Lily

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Ch. 2 James' Addiction

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"Jamie, is something bothering you?"

James mumbled an intelligible response into Lily's hair. The last thing he felt like doing at the moment was talking about his feelings. They were complex enough, as is. He didn't' need anyone else's unwanted input.

"What was that, Jamie?"

James leaned his head against the back of the scarlet couch in the Gryffindor common room. The scarlet couch on which he was sitting, with Lily cuddled onto his lap. The position would have been comfortable and even pleasing, if his thoughts hadn't been occupied with someone else. He hadn't seen Sirius since that morning, but he had thought about him every minute since. The thoughts of his best friend made him feel guilty, especially when he was in the presence of his girlfriend of a year and three months, Lily Evans.

"I said, nothing. I'm just . . . tired."

Lily looked at him with a concerned expression, but she wisely chose not to pursue the subject. For that, James was thankful. How did one go about explaining to his girlfriend that he was feeling overwhelming romantic urges towards his best friend who happened to be male? 'Hi, sweetie, not that it's your fault, but I think I'm in love with a guy, instead of you. So, how's your day been?' James didn't think Lily would find that explanation adequate, so he refrained.

He sighed and leaned into Lily, resting his cheek on the top of her head. The fact that he desired someone other than her still baffled him. She was beautiful, of course, probably the best-looking girl in the whole school and most likely, the smartest. Her fiery red hair seemed to have hundreds of different shades and highlights when under light. Her emerald eyes had an appearance of such luminance that they looked like they were lit from behind. She had perfect teeth, too, not to mention, impeccable hygiene. In other words, she was perfect. Every man's fantasy. Every man . . . except James. 'Every straight man,' he thought.

Never in James' wild dreams did he picture himself falling hopelessly in love with a man, much less his best friend. 'But how can it be love?,' he silently thought, his conscious mind wandering back to the girl lying in his arms, her head trustingly resting against his chest. He loved her, that much was certain. And he knew that she loved him. Was it possible to love two individuals simultaneously? James didn't think so, but he could draw no other conclusion concerning his emotions at present.

'Unless, of course, it isn't love at all,' James thought with a mental snort. He had often entertained the idea that he was simply "in lust" with Sirius. It would make sense. Every girl in school wanted a piece of his best friend. Hell, James even knew of some male students that did, too. After all, who wouldn't? Sirius was the embodiment of physical perfection. The image of a ancient golden god made human. He was a sculptor's dream. A strong jaw, accompanied by defined, angular cheekbones gave him a daring aristocratic appearance. His eyes were such a dark brown that they occasionally appeared black and always had a sparkle of mischief in them. James knew, better than anyone, that Sirius' eyes held much more than that. He had seen them clouded with desire, shining with unshed tears, and full with concern for his friends. He had seen facets of Sirius' personality that the other boy would never dare show anyone else.

He was fairly certain that he didn't want to love Sirius. Or did he? His experience in matters concerning love and romance was limited to Lily and Sirius and that provided him with no helpful knowledge. What he needed was advice but who could he go to? Certainly not Peter, that was completely out of the question. The boy was simply too dense. He had his redeeming qualities, of course, but nothing that could come to James' aid. Remus might understand, but he had a tendency to become overly analytical. Besides, James didn't want to force Remus into an awkward situation. What could be more awkward than having your two best friends groping each other during random stolen moments, and hear every detail about it? 'No . . .' James thought, 'I'll have to deal with this myself.' It was the only way he could see to sort out the tangle his love life had become.

Lily yawned, interrupting his thoughts. She uncurled herself from his lap and smiled at him, her eyes full of questions left unsaid. James knew he was acting strangely, but right now, he knew no other way to act.

"James," she began, abandoning her pet name for him. She only did that when she was about to say something serious. Whatever it was, James was not looking forward to it. "You know I love you, right?"

'This is the last thing I need right now,' he thought silently. He said aloud, "Of course, I do, Lily." He took her hand, the motion practically automatic.

"I know something's bothering you, and if you don't want to talk about it . . . well . . . that's okay. I can respect that," Lily said. She bit her lip and looked away from him. She continued, "I need you to understand that no matter what it is, James, you know you can come to about it, okay? I mean, I don't like seeing you unhappy. I'm hear to listen." She looked back at him and smiled. "What else are girlfriends for?"

'That was unexpected,' James thought, 'If only she knew what was really on my mind.' He didn't fancy letting her find out.

"I know, Lily . . . I know."

Lily's smile was gentle and so obviously full of love that it made James' heart ache. He wished her faith in him wasn't so unwavering.

She leaned into him, placing one delicate hand on his chest. James could feel her breath on his face. He reached out to her, placing his hand on the back of her neck. They both moved towards each other until their lips softly collided. He could feel the movement of her lips against his. Her tongue slid along side his, and he noticed that she tasted slightly like chocolate. 'She must have had some after dinner,' he thought absently. Lily pulled away, smiling at him. She kissed him again, this time chastely.

"I'm gonna get going to bed now. 'Night, James." She kissed his cheek and got up from the couch. James watched her retreating figure as she left the room.

'What am I going to do?' he thought. At that moment, Sirius entered the common room.