In the absence of Lily

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Chapter 3 Temporary Paradise

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He knew the library would be the perfect place to hide. Anyone who even assumed they knew the most minuscule bit about Sirius Black would never think to look here. What he needed right now was solitude and seclusion, and this was the place to find it. The imperfect silence of the library was interrupted only by the whisper of paper as pages of volumes were turned, their words perused by the diligent students who had opted to stay in and study rather than enjoy the clear air and sunshine of a mild Saturday afternoon.

A few heads had turned when he cautiously crept through the library doors. He could easily interpret the question written on their inquisitive faces. What was he doing here? Why would Sirius Black, of all people, be seen here, of all places? His only response was a winning smile that made most of the students divert their curious glances, blushes tinting a few cheeks. A pair of bubbly third year girls even bowed their heads, attempting in vain to mask their giggles and whispers.

Sirius knew he was handsome, charming even. After all, his charms had successfully worked on the one person he would have thought the hardest to seduce. James. The simple thought of the simple name discomfited Sirius and he slouched further in the uncomfortable wooden seat He raised the book he had randomly plucked from the library shelf to feign the act of studying to hide his face, lest someone should notice his complete disinterest in the text. He focused on the words for the first time and noticed that they were in fact upside down. He quickly righted the book, hoping no one had noticed his minor indiscretion. He was trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.

He came to this studious location to think and think, he did. He thought, but not about the pressing matter at hand, the thought that was causing restless nights as he listened to the breathing of his dorm mates, the question of what he was going to do about his . . relationship . . . with James. No, he wasn't thinking about that at all. Rather, he was thinking about his lips, his hands, his hair, his skin, his eyes . . . those goddamned cursedly beautiful eyes that said so much when their owner's words said so little, those eyes that had ensnared Sirius upon first sight, first contact. Although he hadn't understood it then, he sure as hell understood it now. It was those devastating eyes that led to his downfall.

He never meant for it to get this far. He honestly hadn't. ‘But you always were a sucker for a great set of eyes,' he berated himself. It was more than that, though, much more and try as he might, he simply could not deny it. He had needed someone and so had James. That was how it started. It had been almost ridiculous in its simplicity. He had come upon James at the most inopportune of moments. James had been crying. Not chest heaving, gut wrenching sobs, but silent, steady tears that fell unnoticed as he lay on his bed. He had asked what was wrong, in the fashion of any decent best friend. For the first time in their friendship, James had said nothing. Not a whisper. He simply turned onto his side, offering only his back to Sirius as a response. In other words, he all but screamed, "Go away!" Just not in so many words.

He still was unsure if what he had done next had been the right thing. ‘Maybe, if I hadn't, I wouldn't be having these problems right now,' he thought. It was nothing more than wishful thinking and he knew it and accepted it.

After James had turned his back to him, he knew no amount of verbal prodding would get it out of him. If James didn't want to tell him something, he wouldn't. He was just that stubborn. It was something Sirius both loved and loathed. James could be such a colossal pain in the ass when he put his mind to it.

Sirius did the only thing he could. At least the only thing he thought he could have done. Thinking back on the situation now, there were probably dozens of alternative courses of action he could have chosen, but at the moment, all those possibilities had eluded him, leaving him with but one choice, probably quite unwise.

He had crawled into bed with James, pressing his body against the other boy's, his chest pressed to the other's back, their bodies meeting in one uninterrupted line. James stiffened for a brief moment, but relaxed within seconds. They had done this plenty of times as children, but within the past few years, they had distanced themselves, falling into the expected behavior that was the norm. Sirius had forgotten what wonders a comforting touch could do for his best friend. James had always been somewhat reliant on touch as means of communication. Apparently nothing had changed these past few years.

Sirius rested his head on James neck, not saying anything, completely unwilling to disturb the comfortable silence that had fallen on them. ‘What I wouldn't give to lay here for hours,' he thought to himself, his arms snugly wrapped around James' middle, feeling the rise and fall of the other boy's chest as he held him. There was a change in James' breathing, it became more ragged and forced. Sirius knew he was crying harder now. He lifted his face so that his lips rested by the other boy's ear.

"What's wrong?" he whispered.

James didn't respond. He shifted his weight, rotated his body so that his front was now pressed against Sirius, his head resting beneath Sirius' chin. Sirius placed a kiss on top of James' hopelessly messy hair. A purely platonic kiss. Honestly.

"If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you," he said, trying to coax something out of James.

James sniffled, the sound muffled against the fabric of Sirius' sweater. He wrapped his arms tighter around Sirius' torso, burying his face into the other's neck.

"You'll make fun of me," he said, the words almost impossible to decipher.

"Oh come on now, would I do such a thing? Actually . . . don't answer that," Sirius said. He was rewarded with a small chuckle from James.

"It's stupid," James said, raising his head a few inches so his blue eyes locked with Sirius' brown ones.

"If it was so stupid, you wouldn't be crying," Sirius replied. Ah . . . ever the voice of reason.

James abandoned eye contact, opting to stare at the inch of collarbone that was visible, uncovered by Sirius' sweater.

"It's Lily, but it's not anything she did. She's just . . . I don't know. Hopelessly girly," James said, "Whenever she has a problem, she always comes running to me, as if I'm supposed to fix everything and make it all sunny and perfect again. I can't do that. And it's not just that. She's always telling me that I can go to her whenever I'm having a problem, but I know it isn't true. She means well and everything, but I'm not sure she'd be able to handle the burden of my wn worries and fears. It's sort of an unspoken agreement. I'm the rock and she's the one that does all the leaning."

The words came out of James in a rush and it took Sirius a full minute to digest them. He never would have guessed that James was concerned about such a thing. Never. He had always viewed his best friend as the type to keep his problems to private, much like himself. 'Guess you don't know your own best friend as well you thought you did. Maybe you should work on paying a little more attention,' said an accusatory voice in his head. 'Oh stuff it,' Sirius thought in return.

His grip on James tightened and James returned the much needed contact. Sirius ran a hand through James' hair, noticing the way in which the other boy closed his eyes and all but purred at the caress. 'Interesting,' Sirius thought.

James was not finished. "It's just . . . I'm tired of being alone, Sirius. I know I'm not, really, but sometimes it feels that way. Kinda like I have no shoulder to cry on when I need it the most."

Feigning offense, Sirius pinched James' side. "Excuse me, Mr. Ingrate? And what am I to you?"

James actually giggled, a very foreign sound, and said, "A friend. A very good friend. Too good of a friend, actually. Gee whiz, Sirius, I don't think I deserve you."

"Don't say that," Sirius said, smiling, "You deserve so much more." James' evaluation warmed him to the core. It was times like these, that although few and far between, that made him realize just how much James meant to him.

The laughter gradually faded from James' expression, but instead of reverting back to his mask of sadness, it was replaced by a pensive, thoughful look, as if he was considering something very important and not at all unpleasant.

"What's on your mind?" Sirius asked.

Rather than replying with a vocal response, James leaned in and unexpectedly placed a whisper of a kiss on Sirius' chin. Sirius had been caught off guard and couldn't formulate an appropriate response. The only thought that crossed his mind had been that James' lips were rather soft.

"I'm not alone, am I, Sirius?" James asked, his face so close to Sirius' that his lips brushed his skin with every word.

Sirius had to swallow twice before he could answer, hoping against hope that James hadn't noticed his rather carnal reaction below his waist to the feel of his lips on his skin.

'Best to be honest,' Sirius thought. Out loud, he said, "No . . . you're not alone. Never alone."

And that's when it happened. Neither one of them gave their actions much thought prior to doing it, much less offer an explanation as to why they did, exactly. Before Sirius could register what was happening, his lips were on James' mouth, his tongue tracing the curve of the other boy's bottom lip, seeking entry and getting it. Coherent thought ceased to exist and words became unneccessary as their tongues slid against each other, each seeking solace and comfort on the others touch. It was only the mutual need for oxygen that forced them to separate, but given the chance, both would have had no complaints whatsoever to remaining joined as they had been.

Sirius looked into James' eyes as the other boy did the same. There was so much to say and no words with which to say it. They both understood without having to vocalize their thoughts. The look they shared spoke volumes itself. It said, 'I have you and you have me and that's all we really need.' And it was the truth, put in its simplest form. The basic need for human contact and comfort had been satisfied and neither one of them was willing to give it up.

'And that's the problem,' Sirius thought, returning from his reverie and finding himself back in the school library, rather than cuddled up with James in their shared dormitory. He didn't want to give up James and he was fairly certain that James felt the same. Otherwise, why would he have bothered to come back to Sirius' waiting arms again and again.

'Not that I'm complaining,' Sirius said to himself, smirking ever so slightly. James certainly was warm and cuddly and an amazing kisser. His only qualm with their relationship was that James was still with Lily. It was a minor jealousy, but jealousy all the same. He couldn't very well ask James to break up with Lily. That was completely out of the question. The last thing he would do was to place his James in the position of choosing between to the two people he loved most. There wasn't a doubt in Sirius' mind that James loved Lily. He knew James loved him as well. That was the part that made the whole situation unbearable. James loved them both, in his own ways. Sirius knew James needed him and he supposed he needed James, too.

He wasn't quite ready to sacrifice their relationship, but there was a nagging doubt in his mind. Was this really best for James? He might want Sirius to snuggle up with him at night, but it was obvious that they couldn't continue this charade forever. Although Sirius could picture himself spending his days as a bachelor, the same wasn't true for James. 'He's such a dog, baby, and white picket fence sort of guy,' Sirius thought, 'I can't give him that.'

Sirius knew they had to talk. He wasn't quite sure if he would be willing to share James forever. Sooner or later, his jealousy would consume him and he would propose an ultimatum to James. Him or Lily. He didn't want it to have to come to that. There was only one thing for him to do and it was quite obvious. He and James needed to have a heart to heart and make a decision. Anything else would drive Sirius mad, if he wasn't there already.

Sircius extracted himself from the wooden library chair, taking no notice of the screeching sound the legs made as they scratched along the floor and giving no heed to the irritated and inquisitive glances sent in his direction. He had a purpose and he needed to find get it over with.

He left the library, with a efficiency in his stride, and made his way to the common room, where he hoped James would be waiting.