Accidentally In Love

Part 12: Holding Out for a Hero

"Will you please leave me alone?" Remus begged James, clutching his head. "I told you already, I have no idea where I was last night!"

"I just don't get it!" James shouted for the fifth time. "I sent you a message. I told you Sirius needed you. I don't care how drunk you were-"

"James, I don't think he was drunk," Sirius muttered, but James ignored him.

"-You should have been there. When you were in St. Mungo's-"

"Stop it, all right? Just stop it! I don't want to talk about that right now!"

"Well, I'm bloody well going to! I couldn't tear him away, Remus! And when he needed you, you were out getting pissed out of your mind!"

"James, if I had been drinking, I would have at least remembered where I started! The last thing I remember about last night is leaving the flat and walking past Vindaloo's."

"And why should I believe that?" James snapped, and then clapped his hands over his mouth. "Oh, God. Remus... Moony... I didn't mean that."

"You did," Remus said, and then dropped his head back into his hands. "I suppose I don't blame you. I wouldn't believe it."

"But I do," Sirius said firmly.

James and Remus both stared at him.

"I do," Sirius insisted.

"Why?" James asked.

"Because the Death Eaters-"

"Sirius!" Remus snapped, and suddenly Sirius remembered again he wasn't allowed to tell James what Remus was doing.

"Bloody hell," he muttered, dropping his own head into his hands.

"The Death Eaters what?" James asked. "Sirius, the Death Eaters what?"

Remus looked at him with a strange combination of steel and pleading.

"I don't remember what I was going to say," Sirius said lamely. "My head is killing me."

James sat down. "You do remember," he told Sirius bitterly. "You just won't tell me."

"James-" Sirius began.

"It's not like that," Remus said. "It's for Dumbledore." James turned and looked out the window. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone, James."

"You told Sirius."

"I had to."

"You had to."

"Well, yes." Remus sighed. "James, please. Don't get your knickers in a twist over this?"

"And why shouldn't I?" James asked. "You told Sirius, but you couldn't tell me or Peter?"

"In case you missed it, we are living together!" Remus snapped back.

"Would the two of you please stop it?" Sirius broke in. "James, you know there are things you're doing that you can't tell us because Dumbledore ordered you to keep it secret."

It was a shot in the dark- well, the semi-dark- but James's face revealed the truth. He kicked the bedpost and swore, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. "It's not right," he grumbled.

"It is," Remus said tiredly. "James, if I knew what you were doing and I was captured... Voldemort doesn't just kill people. He tortures them first. Do you want to bet your life, and everything you're trying to do, that I could withstand torture?"

"Yes," James said. Remus blinked, drawing back. "You, Sirius, and Peter are my best friends. I should be able to trust any of the three of you with my life. That's how this sort of thing works."

"Well, we might trust each other," Remus said, "but Dumbledore doesn't."

James sat down on the bed as well. "I know."

"He's only looking out for us," Remus pressed.

"If he was looking out for us, he'd let us trust each other."

Sirius opened his mouth to agree with James, and then thought of the Imperius Curse and Frank Longbottom sending him to the Sterling Artesa, and shut his mouth again. What if someone got a hold of James like that? Or Remus? Or Peter? What was terrifying wasn't the realization that they could betray him, but the realization that it wouldn't require torture or threats or death... only a spell and a word.

"It will be all right," Remus said lamely.

"Let's just forget it," James said. "We're tired, we're all worried, and none of us feel well. We'll just forget it."

"Right," Sirius agreed. "Where are Peter and Lily, anyway?"

"They went to pick up takeaway for lunch," James said.

"It's lunch time already?" Remus asked.

"Yeah. You two were out for a while." James fidgeted, and glanced at Sirius. Sirius read the question and nodded. "I'll go see if they're back," he offered lamely, and retreated.

Sirius watched him go, and then turned to see Remus looking at him. "What?"

"You believe me? That I don't remember what happened?"

"I do. Do you remember who you were with last night?"

"Not for certain."

"You got an owl from Regulus that morning," Sirius said.

"I know." Remus looked down at the rug on the bed, picking at the fabric. "I have a note from him as well."

"But you can't tell me what happened."

"No." Remus sighed. "I can't tell me what happened."

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's waist, and Remus leaned his head against Sirius's shoulder. "This will all end soon," Sirius said.

"I know. I just hope it ends well."

***

Peter and Lily had brought back fish and chips. Remus wanted to be hungry, but the smell of the grease turned his stomach. But he didn't mind.

They sat at the table, white paper and food spread out in front of them, Sirius and Remus both in pajama bottoms and t-shirts and the others in borrowed clothing (although Lily required an enlarging charm on the shirt she borrowed from Sirius), and bottles of beer around. The windows were open and a gentle breeze tickled the curtains, and they could hear the sound of Muggle automobiles from the streets below.

It was like a storm had passed over them, leaving the air rain-washed and fresh. The situation had been redefined, and no one had to pretend that they had any control over the situation. Dumbledore was in charge, and although no one put the words to it, they were soldiers acting on his commands. And when Sirius smiled at him across the table, Remus felt a bit more at peace with the world. Although he still wished he could remember what had happened last night.

"So," Sirius was saying to James and Lily, "I hope you to have picked out a name for this sprog."

"Maybe," James said, and Lily smiled enigmatically. "We're not telling though."

"Why not?" Sirius said. "We won't laugh!"

Lily fixed him with an evil eye of doom. "You will."

"We're your friends!" Sirius protested.

"Exactly."

"So what are the bets on?" Remus asked. "Boy or girl?"

"Boy," James and Sirius said simultaneously.

"I'm hoping for a girl," Peter said, and Lily kissed him on the cheek.

"Really, Wormtail?" James asked. "I would have thought you'd be on our side."

"Not really. I have sisters. I know what to do with a girl. Boys confuse me."

"Um, Wormtail?"

"Shut up. That's not what I mean. Besides, girls are fun."

"No way," Sirius argued. "Boys are much more fun." James spurted beer out his nose, and Sirius backhanded him. "We are talking about your offspring, James. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"How are boys more fun?" Lily challenged.

"You can teach them to play Quidditch and play with trains and play with-"

"Anything boys can do, girls can do better," Lily interrupted in a sing-song.

"Except write their names in the snow," Remus contributed helpfully.

"You haven't... no, wait. I don't want to know."

"Sirius can even dot the i's," Peter said.

"And James has the neatest writing, which makes sense. He writes well with his hands so why not his-"

"I SAID I didn't want to know!" Lily laughed, and then put a hand over her stomach. "Sorry, sprog, if I disturbed your slumber."

Sirius was watching with a half-disgusted, half-fascinated look on his face. "You could see it move!" he exclaimed.

They all laughed, and when Remus put his hand over Lily's belly to feel the life moving inside, he couldn't help but think there might be hope for the Wizarding World after all.

***

The peace could only last so long, and the next morning Sirius was back at work.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?"

Moody's voice was probably echoing off corridors in the eighth floor, not just the walls of Elphias Doge's office where Doge, Moody, and Lupin were confronting their errant Auror trainee. Sirius wanted to slump down in his seat, but he held his backbone poker-stiff. "Sir, I-"

"I'M NOT FINISHED! DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU-"

"Alastor, the Aurors are not the only people working in this building," Doge said dryly. He was siting at his desk, twirling a quill between his fingers.

Moody lowered his voice from a roar to a shout. "-That going into a bar known to be frequented by Death Eaters was not a good idea?"

"That's why-"

"You took Potter," Moody finished mockingly. "It's something, at any rate, but still. Two of you against an entire bloody bar!!!!!"

"Whatever possessed you to go in the first place?" Damien snapped, taking advantage of Moody pausing for breath. "What could possibly justify such a careless endeavor?"

"He was my brother," Sirius managed to say.

"He's a suspected Death Eater!" Damien shouted.

"And I don't care if it's your bloody mother-" Moody picked up.

"Especially YOUR mother-"

"You have to maintain CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!!!!! This is WAR, boy, WAR! Bonds of blood don't count!"

"ENOUGH!" Doge rumbloed, and Sirius was rather amazed he could outshout both Damien and Moody at full force. "Alastor, Damien, you've made your point." Moody muttered something, but Doge ignored him and turned the full focus of his gaze on Sirius.

"Black. You are already walking a thin line. A very thin line. Last month-"

"Sir, I-!"

"Quiet! Last month, I warned you that you needed to pull yourself together. I cannot impress upon you enough how precarious and dangerous this current time is. This is not a time when we can allow ourselves to feel anything- anything at all. I realize that this was your brother, but that is the exact reason you were not allowed anywhere near this particular case. There are enough other suspected Death Eaters to chase down that you should have your hands full enough.

"If this was a normal situation, this event coupled with your breakdown last month would result in suspension from your job, without pay." Sirius's blood ran cold. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. "However, this is not a normal situation. We cannot spare a single man, and despite your impulsiveness and emotional responses, you are competent when you think before you act. So therefore you are on probation. You are to clear all cases with all three of us, and you are not to go on any sort of mission without one of the three of us."

"I'm not a child!" The words broke out before Sirius could stop them.

"You are twenty. In this career, you are still a child," Doge said firmly. "And I will not hear of another infraction like this, is that understood?"

"I-"

"You are putting yourself, your coworkers, and anyone with you at an incredible risk. I do not know how I can emphasize this more. Probation. If you mess up again, suspension. And if you continue to be a problem..." Doge raised his eyebrows meaningfully. "Desperate or not, we'll terminate you. Understood?"

Sirius crossed his arms, slumped in the chair, and glared out the window. "Understood."

***

The Dragon Rider Pub was as warm and welcoming as always, but Sirius was not in the mood to see it. He thumped down at a table with Lily, James, Remus, Frank, Alice, and Gideon Prewett.

"So, what exactly did happen?" Gideon asked.

"Yes, tell us again," Peter said, joining them. "And start with the part where you three got bailed out by two pregnant women, because that's never getting old."

"Piss off, Wormtail," James growled. "I don't want to talk about it," he told Gideon.

"Baby," Alice said, smirking.

"No, shutting the fuck up sounds like a brilliant idea," Sirius snapped, tracing his wand over the circle of condensation his beer left on the table. Remus nudged him under the table, but Sirius ignored him.

Gideon seemed unperturbed by the general mood. "I heard Moody shouting," he said amiably.

"I think the people in the Department of Magical Games and Sports heard Moody shouting," Sirius scowled. "What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' is so hard to understand?"

"Well, I do." Gideon became very serious. "Frank gave you the tip, didn't he? Against Doge's direct orders?" Frank opened his mouth to argue, but Gideon held up his hand. "I'm not accusing you of anything," he said. "It's just that this is the second time that I know of that one of you has tried to kill the other. It makes someone wonder."

"It does," Peter said, turning serious. "I've heard rumors..." he trailed off.

"What rumors?" Gideon pressed.

Peter looked uncomfortable. "All sorts," he admitted. "There're several rumors going about that there's a leak in the Auror department. There are rumors that there's more than one. People are talking about torture and interrogation-"

"By Aurors?"

"No, by Death Eaters. That Death Eaters are torturing people to come over to their side."

"Well, we know that's true," Sirius said, looking at Remus.

"We do?" James asked, surprised. "I mean, I suspected it-"

"We do," Peter said, looking down at the table. "They'll threaten to kill your family, I've heard. And then you."

Sirius looked at the table, and he wondered how James and Peter couldn't possibly figure out what had happened to Remus. Under the table, Remus's fingers fumbled for his. Sirius squeezed them back. Gideon's attention was now entirely focused on Peter.

"What other rumors have you been hearing?" he asked.

Peter glanced at the others, but everyone's attention was now on him, as well. "All sorts," he said. "Disappearances, rumors of You-Know-Who turning corpses into Inferi, pressure tactics, recruitment of Dark Creatures-"

"Like giants," Gideon said. "Vampires as well?"

"All of them. Banshees, werewolves... I've even heard talk of him approaching creatures like goblins and merpeople. Creatures that aren't dark, necessarily, but are still living under rules they don't like."

"Are they accepting?" Lily asked, fingering the top of her glass of orange.

"No," Frank said, looking deliberately away from Remus. "Not all of them."

"But he's killing those that don't," Peter pointed out.

"Now, look," Alice said crossly. "How can you possibly know that?"

Peter's face became very serious, and very pale. "The same way I know you're having a boy," he said. "And that you're going to name him Neville."

"Frank!" Alice smacked her husband. "You weren't supposed to tell the names!"

"I didn't," Frank protested. "And besides, I rarely see Pettigrew here!"

"Peter's a Divination expert," James said dryly. "If you can put stock in it."

Frank snorted, but Gideon looked interested. "Do you have the Inner Eye?"

"No, I'm not a seer. But there's an art to Divination, and half of it is knowing what's bunk and what's not," Peter said.

"Do you do fortunes?"

For a moment, Sirius thought that Peter's face looked very hard indeed. "No," he said, and Sirius wondered if he'd imagined the expression. "Not often. Divination can actually be useful, if you know how to use it."

Gideon pondered Peter's words. Then, "Would you mind if we talked about this at greater length?"

"Of course not. When can you meet?"

"Oh, come on Prewett!" Alice protested. "You're not going to use Divination as a way of foiling Death Eater attacks!"

"Nothing else we've been trying has been working," Gideon said seriously. "At this point, I'm willing to try anything."

"It's not foolproof," Peter cautioned. "I can try."

"You try. It will be up to me to determine if it's reasonable." Gideon fixed Sirius, Frank, and Alice with a stern look. "I suspect it might be best if this were not mentioned to Doge."

"How about Moody?" Frank asked innocently, and Gideon fired a stretching jinx at him as he stood up to go talk to another table.

"I can't believe it," Alice said, idly waving her wand at her husband to lift the jinx and watching Gideon go. "Divination. It's such a hoax."

"A waste of talent," James agreed. "And an easy O if you're good at making up stories."

"You know, I am sitting right here," Peter said crossly.

"Sorry you're offended, Peter, but nothing you say can ever make me think much of Divination," Alice said.

"Even when you find out that baby's a boy?"

"You have a fifty-fifty chance." Alice stood up. "I'm going to the ladies'."

Lily struggled to her feet. "I'll join you. This has to be one of the worst parts."

"Oh, I don't know. There's the swelling, and I can't sleep."

"True. And there's the broom restrictions- not that I could sit a broom anyway. But when you're married to someone who considers Quidditch more of a religion than a sport-"

"Oh, I believe it. And then there's husbands not wanting to have sex-"

"GO TO THE LADIES'!" Frank roared. Sirius snickered as he noticed James's ears were red as well. "Honestly," Frank said, turning back to the rest of them. "So Pettigrew, did you really get all that from tea leaves or a crystal ball?"

"Tarot cards," Peter said dryly, and then sighed. "All right, I overheard you and Alice talking about names."

"But the sex?"

Peter shrugged. "You heard your wife. Fifty-fifty chance." But his face was defiant. Sirius remembered the night Peter had told him not to stop for Chinese, but he said nothing.

***

The story of Arden Black's death was on page three of the Daily Prophet the next day, but it hit the Wizarding world as if it had been splashed across the front page. Sirius read the story with a curious dead feeling in the pit of his stomach and Remus watching him as if he might explode.

"It's strange," he said, reaching for another scone as Remus slowly chewed his cereal. "I should feel something. He was my father." He bit into the scone and set it down. "I did last time. You'd think..." He shook his head and folded the paper. "It's going to scare people, though."

"It scares me," Remus said. "If anyone should have been safe... I mean, your family is as pure as Wizarding families get."

"Or at least they pretend to be." Sirius picked the scone up again and contemplated it. "They just blow people off the tapestry that don't fit in. But that's exactly it. My family should have been safe. I wonder why they weren't." He set the scone down again, folded the paper, and stood up. "I have to shave before I go."

"Sirius?" Remus asked just as Sirius stepped out of the kitchen.

"Yes?"

Remus's eyes bored into him. "Nothing."

Sirius smiled, came back and dropped a kiss on Remus's lips, and then left for the bathroom. He was whistling as he left.

***

Remus could feel the difference in the air when he stepped out. He tried to tell himself it was his imagination, but it wasn't. He didn't see Prudence Pringle at the corner, and he when he went to the corner shop Albert Henkelin wasn't there buying cigarettes or a paper. He stuffed his hands deep in his robe pockets, despite the heat of the morning, and made his way to the Ministry.

Macnair did not seem surprised to see him, but did invite him to sit down and even offered a drink; something he had never done before. Remus politely declined. "I have something for you," he recited. "Something that I intercepted."

"Oh?" Macnair's eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

"I know he's my friend, but I can't in good conscience keep this from the Dark Lord," Remus said. He turned the folded, sealed parchment over in his hands. "Please pass this along."

Macnair took the parchment and broke open the seal. He closed his eyes for a long moment. "You know what this is," he said.

"Yes," Remus lied.

"And you know what will come of it."

"I'm afraid so. But my loyalties lie to the Dark Lord, not to Black."

"The Dark Lord will be grateful," Macnair said. "I am quite sure." He tucked the parchment into a pocket in his robe. "I'll see you again soon, Lupin."

"Yes."

Remus rose and nodded, but Macnair was already looking out the Ministry-added window. He retreated quickly and began walking to the Dragon Rider Pub.

He wasn't stupid, he told himself. Whatever Regulus had put in that parchment had something to do with that night. Remus had tried to open it, but something had stopped him. Not just conscience- but something powerful and real and painful. The same thing forced him to take the parchment to Macnair and give the prepared speech, and the same thing kept him from feeling much about it now.

The pub was empty when he walked in, and Remus sighed. He wouldn't mind an easy morning, but he'd rather wait on customers than wash dishes or clean up the kitchen. But before he could hang up his cloak, Fabian emerged from his office. "Remus, would you please come in?"

Remus followed him warily. Fabian's face reflected guilt mixed with sadness and determination. His stomach froze. "What?"

Fabian fingered an envelope. "I put an extra two weeks pay in," he said. "It was the least I could do. You're a bloody great employee. But you're too good for this."

Remus took the envelope with numb fingers. "Too good for this?"

"I told you that when you started," Fabian said, looking at a point over Remus's shoulder.

"You also told me you could lose your business if word got around that you had a werewolf working for you," Remus said bitterly. "Word got around, didn't it?" Fabian shrugged, and Remus shoved the envelope back into his hand. "I don't want your bloody pittance."

Fabian shoved it back. "Look. It's all I can do, all right? And besides, half of it is your wages, anyway."

"It is not all you can do," Remus flared. "I told you before- keep me on in the kitchen only."

Fabian shook his head. "I'm sorry Remus," he said firmly. "But I can't, especially now. You're fired."

***

It was raining as he walked home. Remus didn't notice.

He let himself into the flat and stood in the center, looking around blankly. In his mind he saw the poky little bedsit he'd been staying in before money grew too tight, with the cracked mirror and the rickety table. He'd been proud of it when he'd just been starting out, but now...

Now if it wasn't for Sirius, it would be a lifetime of poky bedsits and rickety tables. Instead, he was here in relative luxury, just because he was sleeping with Sirius.

The rational voice in his mind reminded him that even if nothing had ever transpired between them Sirius still would have offered this sort of arrangement, but Remus didn't feel like listening. Instead, he tossed his cloak off and slumped onto the couch.

He was still sitting there when Sirius came home, tired and rumpled and wet from the rain.

"I didn't expect you home," Sirius said with a weary smile. Remus opened his mouth to tell him about the dismissal, but Sirius flopped on the couch beside him and closed his eyes. "Fourteen families were attacked last night, Moony. Fourteen." He ran his fingers through his hair. "It's never been that bad. Most of them couldn't get distress signals out. Some of them survived all right, but..." he shuddered. "I had to pick up a dead baby today. She was only six months, I think. Six months, and they killed her, because her Mum was a Muggle-born witch."

"That's horrible," Remus said. Suddenly, being fired from his job didn't seem so important. Sirius nodded and scrubbed his face with his hands.

"I just want to forget about this blasted war and today and every bloody wizard and witch in England," he said. "Can we do that tonight?"

"Sure," Remus said. "It sounds like a good idea to me, too." Sirius just smiled.

***

Two days later, the news wasn't splashed across the front page of the Daily Prophet, or even the third page. It was a small piece in the Obituary section, and Remus only found it because Lily dropped the paper when they were all over.

James bent to pick it up, and his eyes widened. "Sirius...."

"What?" Sirius's voice was tired. James handed him the paper.

Silence.

"What happened?" Remus asked, craning his neck to look. Regulus blinked back at him from the pages, looking hard and bored, and yet at the same time young and puzzled. Remus hadn't known that was possible.

It took a minute to register that it was an obituary. But as soon as it hit his stomach dropped out of his body and he knew that Regulus was dead because of that note that Remus had given McNair. He grabbed the paper, but Sirius yanked it away. The paper burst into a ball of flame. Remus wasn't sure which one of them made it do that.

"Sirius..." James began again, reaching a hand out.

Sirius's lips were white, and he shook his head violently. James gripped his shoulder tightly, and Remus took a step back.

Regulus was dead. Remus couldn't get his mind around that, or sort the guilt from the regret from the grief from that awful little bit of relief from the horror. He looked helplessly at Peter, but Peter's whole face was just as white as Sirius's lips.

"What happened?" James asked, reaching for the paper. "They don't give much detail...."

"He was a Death Eater," Sirius whispered.

"No!"

"Oh, come on James," Lily said. "Are you really shocked?" Her voice was hard as glass, and Remus didn't say anything about how insensitive it was to say that in front of Sirius because Death Eaters weren't a topic he really wanted to broach with Lily.

"Lily-" James began, his voice strained, but Sirius had turned to Remus.

"You were working with him."

"Sirius-"

"I know you were! You told me!"

"Wait," James cut in. "What's this all about?"

"Remus has been spying on the Death Eaters," Sirius told James, and then reeled back to Remus. "And Dumbledore said... or you said... a single soul...."

Remus wanted to rail at Sirius for revealing that, but he bit down on his tongue sharply.

"You've been spying on the Death Eaters?" James repeated, gazing at Remus with shock. Remus opened his mouth and closed it, because what was going to come out was still not civil and not anything he should say. He glared at Sirius, but Sirius only glared back.

"That's what you were doing. You told me!" he said. "And I found the letters! I know you were working with him!"

"The letters? Sirius-"

Sirius hurled his mug against the wall, where it shattered into a storm of glass. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE HIM!" he shouted, pushing Remus.

"I COULDN'T!" Remus shouted, pushing back. "I don't know what happened, Sirius, but I couldn't save him!"

"Regulus?!?" Peter suddenly demanded. "You were trying to save Regulus? What has Regulus ever meant to you?"

Remus looked at James frantically, but James's eyes were cold. Remus hadn't seen him like this since... since Sirius had sent Snape into the Shrieking Shack. And that drew other comparisons that Remus didn't want to think about right now. Especially with Sirius turned away, his shoulders shaking. He reached out and touched Sirius's shoulder, but Sirius threw him off.

"Sirius...."

It was Peter who said, "Remus, maybe you'd better go." Remus stared at him, aghast, but neither James nor Sirius contradicted him, and Lily looked on in stunned silence.

"Fine," Remus said, surprised at how normal his voice sounded. "I'll be..." where would he be? He couldn't bring himself to say home right now. "I'll be... oh, just find me!" He swore under his breath and stalked out of the room.

No one followed him, and that hurt as well.

***

The sun had set by the time the world came back into focus, and the guilt in Sirius rose with the increasing darkness. They hadn't spoken of Remus for the past three hours; James and Lily and Peter had listened to Sirius rant and rail about Regulus and his stupidity, and eventually subside into recollection. He'd never said it to himself, but as he spoke Sirius realized so many of the truly pleasant memories he had of home related to his brother or his mother.

"Do you really think Remus could have saved Regulus?" James tentatively asked late that evening.

Sirius shrugged.

"It depends on what you mean by saved," Lily said softly. "You said he was trying to save a single soul..."

"Yes..." Sirius said, and he closed his eyes again, scrubbing his face. "Oh, shit."

"You-Know-Who kills people who defy him," Peter muttered, staring at his hands. "Want to bet that's what Regulus did?"

Sirius stood up abruptly. "I have to go."

It took him almost an hour to find Remus. He hadn't been at the flat or at the Dragon Rider, nor at any of the other pubs that they ever frequented. A couple of quick spells after trying all the usual haunts had led him to a tiny cottage outside Tillsonburg. There was a light in the window, and Sirius knocked. No answer. Not one to be so easily deterred, Sirius Apparated inside.

Remus was lying on an old and battered couch, arm thrown over his face.

"I know you're awake," Sirius said.

Remus grunted, but made no other comment.

"So this is the cottage Caradoc left you, huh?" Sirius said, turning around. It was small and sparsely furnished; a man's retreat from the world, not a true home. "It's nice," Sirius said lamely.

"Bullshit."

Sirius sighed. "I'm trying to break the ice, Remus. I'm trying to say I'm sorry."

Remus didn't answer, but he let his arm slide off his face. Sirius took a few deep breaths. "It would be nice if you said something," he prompted when the silence grew too heavy.

"What are you sorry for?" Remus demanded bitterly.

Sirius shrugged.

"It would be a lot more compelling of an apology if you actually cared what you were sorry about," Remus said, shutting his eyes again.

Sirius pulled out his wand and sent a jet of water at Remus.

"Hey! What was that for?" Remus sputtered.

"Don't give me that right now!" Sirius said, his anger rushing back. "I am not in the mood to argue semantics!"

"Neither am I!"

"Then why the fuck did you just ask if I even knew what I was apologizing for?"

"Because I'm betting you don't know what really pissed me off!"

"Shall I go through the list? I shouldn't have said what I said to you. I shouldn't have pushed you. I shouldn't have blamed you!"

"You shouldn't have told the others I was spying on the Death Eaters!" Remus snapped, jumping to his feet.

"I know that!" Sirius said, wounded. "And I'm trying to say I'm sorry!"

"Saying you're sorry doesn't undo it, Sirius. They still know!"

"They're your best friends! Is that so bad?"

"Yes! Sirius, if one of them is captured and tortured, do you have any idea what that means?"

"Yes," he muttered, sinking down into a chair. "We've only been through it a thousand times."

"Exactly." Remus said, fixing him with a glare that made Sirius feel three years old again.

"Shit."

They stood there in silence until Sirius looked up at Remus, who was still glaring down at him, arms crossed. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't either," Remus muttered. "I just want it to all go away."

"Well, I can't do that!" Sirius stood up himself. "I fucked up and I'm sorry, okay? But I can't undo it!"

"Well, then, what the fuck do you suggest we do?"

It was an instinctual response, to grab Remus and kiss him full on the mouth. Remus pushed away but Sirius held tight, his lips and teeth rough. There was no way to convince Remus how sorry he was with words, only like this.

They'd had sex so many times before this, sometimes rough and sometimes quick and hot and hard, but Sirius had never felt this desperation before. Soon Remus was no longer struggling against him but was responding, just as brutal and hungry as Sirius.

They found their way to the battered couch. The arm dug into Sirius's abdomen uncomfortably and his leg was twisted until his hamstring protested, but he barely noticed. He was only focused on Remus behind him, his breath hot in his ear, his hands hard on his body. It was intensity and heat and his body screaming... and before the end Sirius realized he hated sex this way. As soon as the thought blazed through his mind he froze, and just waited for Remus to finish. It didn't take long.

Remus pulled out, falling against the couch and panting for breath. Sirius eased down beside him. He pulled his robes around him, staring at a shelf across the room.

"Are you all right?" Remus asked, but his voice sounded strange.

"Yes," Sirius said, using someone else's voice as well. He'd never actually associated guilt and sex, but for the first time, he felt dirty. He didn't realize he was still staring at the shelf until Remus's arms were around him.

"Sirius, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We won't do that again."

Sirius blinked back to reality, to find Remus watching him intently, his eyes like shattered glass. "What?"

Remus wrapped his arms around him, and Sirius was surprised to find he was shaking. "I'm sorry." Remus buried his face in the crook of Sirius's shoulder.

"How did you know?" Sirius asked, his voice still distant. He imagined he was floating over them, looking down at their bodies huddled together on the couch. "I didn't say anything. I thought I was fine."

"Pads, I know you," was all Remus said.

They sat in silence for a while. Their bodies were warm and pressed together, but Sirius felt like they couldn't be further apart.

"Maybe you should go see James," Remus finally suggested in a small voice.

Sirius pulled away gratefully. "What will you do?" he asked.

"I'll stay here tonight." Remus looked around at the cottage. "It's cozy and it's..." he shrugged. "It's mine."

Sirius nodded tightly. "All right. Will you be home tomorrow?" He emphasized the word "home".

Remus looked up at him with a guilty expression, and huddled on the sofa, Sirius thought he looked very young. "Do you want me to be?"

"Don't be daft. Of course I do. I'll see you tomorrow, Moony."

"All right."

***

James didn't seem surprised to see Sirius stumble out of the fireplace. "Did you find him?"

"Yes." Sirius stood awkwardly, hands stuffed in the pockets of his robes as he looked around. "Where's Lily?"

"She went to bed." James put down the Daily Prophet and studied Sirius more closely. "You don't look so good, Padfoot."

"I don't feel so good," Sirius admitted.

James waved his wand and two glasses of whiskey appeared. Sirius took one gratefully, but as he took a sip, he found that he wasn't really thirsty for it.

"What happened?" James asked finally.

Sirius turned the glass in his hand, watching the light play off the amber liquid. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"A personal one?"

"Padfoot-"

"No, I mean, one about you and Lily."

James sat back and studied Sirius's face. "Of course. You know that."

Sirius kept his eyes fastened on his glass. "Have you ever had sex when, you know, you're really angry with each other?"

"Like, make-up sex? Of course."

"No. Not make-up sex."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I mean, we're not at an end or anything-"

"I never thought you were."

"Oh."

"Did you think you were?" James asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I suppose I deserved it if we were."

James's face tightened. "No, you didn't."

"James, I shouldn't have told you about what Remus is doing."

"But if he really loves you, then he should understand. Hell, he should have told us himself." Sirius opened his mouth to argue, and James sighed. "I understand why he didn't, so don't get all upset." James ran his hand through his hair. "My point is, there's no way it should have been the end of the road for the two of you."

Sirius nodded absently. "But I shouldn't-"

"But you did," James said. "And if Remus knows anything about you after all these years, he'd better know that you're an impulsive idiot. He knew what he was getting into when he signed on, and that's something he has to accept about you."

"You make it sound so black and white," Sirius scowled.

James smiled humorlessly. "From the king of black and white."

"I am not."

"Are too." James waved his hand dismissively. "That's why you're so wound up about this sex thing."

Sirius flushed. "You think?"

"I think. Did you tell Remus you didn't like it?"

"After, yeah."

"And his reaction?"

"He felt guilty," Sirius admitted.

"And you're acting like it's this big deal. Sometimes you try things you don't like in bed, Sirius."

"Thank you for the lecture, Loverboy."

"Look, you asked for my advice- that's it. Don't make the sex part of it more than it should be. You tried something you didn't like, so don't do it again."

"You really are a genius," Sirius scoffed. "Can I crash here tonight?"

"No."

The answer was so unexpected that Sirius blinked. "What?"

"No. Absolutely not. Go home."

"Why? Do you have hot sex planned?"

"No. I'm not letting you go to bed angry with Remus. Go home and find him, and even if it's not all worked out, sleep in the same bed."

"Remus isn't even coming home."

"He will. I'll bet you every Galleon I have he will."

"Prongs, you are a sentimental git."

"And I'm right. Get out of here."

"Fine. I'm going, I'm going," Sirius muttered, and Apparated home.

"Stupid Prongs," he muttered as he stood in the middle of the living room, staring at the couch. "Stupid idiot." Remus was probably still out at that blasted cottage. Remus didn't care. Remus was-

"Sirius?"

Remus was here.

"Hi," he whispered.

Remus smiled grimly. "Sirius, come to bed. We'll talk about it in the morning, all right?" Sirius half-laughed. "What?" Remus asked.

"Let's just say I almost owe James money," Sirius said. "All right."

It was going to be all right.

***

July was hot that year, sticky with humidity and gnats and sweat. Once, they would have gone to Brighton and frolicked in the waves, or swam in a pool or lake, or even been able to sunbathe under the hot, baking sun. But with Death Eaters out and about and death lurking quite literally, those pleasures were hard to come by. Not that there was time.

Despite the sunshine that filtered through the days, Remus felt like he was constantly trapped in darkness. He began the long, humiliating process of sending out applications and letters of inquiry.

There was also the matter of Sirius. Remus still hadn't told Sirius- or, for that matter, anyone- that Fabian had fired him. And after a few days, it became impossible, because Sirius would naturally want to know why Remus hadn't told him in the first place. Remus felt guilty when he thought of that, because what had seemed a good reason at the time now just seemed stupid, but there was no way he could actually say that.

So he spent the days out, usually walking around the streets or holed up in a Muggle haunt, like a public library or a café that would let him drink tea and not grumble too much about the fact he was spending pennies and not pounds. He felt like he was in limbo, waiting.

He didn't have long to wait.

He'd never been stupid enough to think that the Death Eaters would leave him alone after Regulus's death. The letter that he'd given Macnair at the Registry- whatever was in it- and the speech Regulus had written out for him had removed him from the suspicion that he'd been involved in Regulus's supposed treason. They must have, because Remus was pretty sure if they hadn't, he'd be dead by now. Dead, or wishing he was. Regardless, he only felt a dead resignation when the snowy white owl found him sitting in the shade in a park with a tattered message in its beak, a Dark Mark pressed into the sealing wax.

Lupin:

Your service is required on July 31. Report to the location marked on the enclosed map.

No signature. Remus fumbled the map open, and stared blindly at a spot that was in the middle of nowhere. No city. No town. What the fuck was he supposed to do there?

Then the date hit him, and he started to shake. July 31 was a full moon.

***

Salvation of a sort fell on July 16, when another note fell into Remus's lap. It was from a goblin named Ripspot, and simply stated that if Remus would mind his garden, he'd pay him a Galleon a week. A Galleon a week was far less than Remus needed but far more than he'd been offered by anyone else, so he wrote back and accepted.

The job was near Nottingham, which was far enough away from London for Remus to forget the Dragon Rider Pub. Ripspot showed him the garden, which Remus immediately fell in love with. It was huge and rambling, with plants that towered over him and some that lurked at his feet. It reminded him of his mother's garden, although he was pretty sure his mother's mums weren't quite as dangerous as the Devil's Snare hidden in a shadowy corner. "Keep it alive," was the entirety of Ripspot's instructions, and then he left Remus to his own devices, an arrangement that suited Remus just fine.

He found himself spending entire days there, just tending the plants or settled in an out-of-the way corner, just thinking or watching. It was peaceful, unlike the rest of the world.

From his favorite spot by the Abyssinian shrivelfig bush, he could see Ripspot's house. He'd never really thought about how goblins lived. The house was almost more of a cottage, with round little windows and a workshop where Ripspot did metalwork. There was a wife- she didn't look much different from Ripspot, except that she often wore dresses- and four goblin children who ran about shouting to each other in Gobbledegook. The older three tended to ignore Remus, but the youngest would scream every time she saw him. It was a bitter reminder, but at the same time, the cynical part of him was relieved that all she did was scream. He ignored it as best he could, and counted himself lucky that he had this much.

He suspected he wouldn't have it for long.

***

The door swung open, and Sirius couldn't help but notice that the Dragon Rider Pub was more crowded than it had been the past couple of weeks. He scanned the bar eagerly, looking for Remus. A pretty young witch was pouring pints and Fabian was making change for a customer, but no Remus.

"Oi, Fabian," Sirius shouted, pushing his way to the counter. "Where's Remus?"

He wondered if it was imagination that the people nearest to him got quieter. Fabian's brows knit together. "He doesn't work here, Sirius," he answered. "You know that."

"No, I don't. Since when?"

"For two weeks. I had to let him go."

"What? Why?"

Fabian shrugged guiltily, and Sirius's face twisted into a sneer. "Because he's a-"

"DON'T say it!" Fabian hissed.

Sirius didn't think- he just punched Fabian in the face.

The conversation stopped, and a few patrons stepped back. Sirius didn't really notice, he just jumped over the bar. Fabian, however, held his ground.

"Business was dropping, Sirius."

"That's not an excuse!"

Fabian glanced around, and then Apparated. Sirius followed suit, and as he suspected Fabian was in his office. "That's not an excuse," he repeated. "Remus needed this job!"

"Not that I have to answer to you," Fabian snarled, "but how do you propose I pay him if I have no customers? No one wants to be waited on by a werewolf!"

"It's not like he wears a sign!" Sirius fumed.

"No, but the word got out. He always knew I'd let him go if that happened."

"You couldn't take a stand? Be a man and do what you know is right?"

"I have a wife and two kids, Sirius. I don't have the luxury of taking a stand, even if I wanted to!"

Sirius's eyes narrowed. "So you didn't want to."

"No! Do you have any idea how many werewolves work for Voldemort? How many enjoy being werewolves? How many of them don't contain themselves on a full moon night?"

"Remus isn't like that!"

"I know he's not! But I'm not standing up for werewolf rights! Most of them don't deserve it! Most of them truly aren't human! Now if you'll excuse me, the lunch crowd is here and I need to get back to work." Fabian glanced in the mirror, healed the lip that Sirius's punch had split, and Apparated back out to the bar.

***

"I can't believe it!" Sirius raged at James, who was at practice and looking annoyed, although that may have been as much at the interruption as it was at Fabian. "I mean, of all the dirty, rotten stunts to pull!"

James chewed on the inside of his cheek- a sure sign he was about to say something Sirius didn't want to hear. "Look, James," Sirius began. "I know it's his business, and I know this is what Remus was expecting, but damn it! Fabian's an Order member!"

"An Order member, not a saint. Look, Sirius, Tonks is going to blow if I don't get my arse on my broom. Can we talk about this later?"

"I can't believe you're not more outraged," Sirius grumbled.

"I expected it," James admitted. "And I'm not in love with Remus, so I don't feel the need to fight for his honor."

Even Sirius had to chuckle at that.

"Black!" Ted shouted from his broom. "Get your arse off my field, and Potter, get yours in the air! Now!"

"Coming!" James shouted, and mounted his broom. "Come by tonight, Padfoot. We'll talk more then."

***

"So what do you think, Wormtail?" Sirius asked when he stopped by Peter's mother's house.

"Remus has been out of work for two weeks and hasn't told us?" Peter asked incredulously.

Through all his anger, that had been lurking in Sirius's mind as well. "Well...."

"He should have told us," Peter said, flopping down on the couch and crossing his arms furiously. "We're his friends."

Sirius stuffed his hands in his robe pockets. "Yeah," he said, staring out the window.

"I mean, he should trust us enough to tell us that."

"Yeah."

***

"Do you think Peter's right?" Sirius asked James.

James was about to answer, but Lily, who'd been caught up, smacked Sirius upside the head.

"Ouch! What did you do that for?" Sirius demanded.

"Partly because you're a convenient target and I'm grumpy," Lily admitted. "But for God's sake, Sirius, can't you think for yourself?"

"What?"

"You're turning into a simpering, whining girl!"

"I am not!"

"You are too! This is your relationship with Remus! What do you think?"

"I don't know!" Sirius shot James a pleading look, but James was sitting back with a gleam in his eye that meant Lily was saying everything he was thinking. Bastard.

"Well," Lily said dryly, crossing her arms, "this must be a first."

"Not according to you," Sirius snapped. "Didn't you always think that James and I were each other's syncopates?"

Lily shrugged. "Perhaps sometimes. But Sirius, you defied your entire family. Your entire. Fucking. Family. You looked around, you came to your own conclusions, and you didn't let your family tell you what to think about life. And now, because you can't be bothered to sort out your emotional mess, you're letting your friends tell you what to think about your love life? You're being incredibly lazy, Black. You owe yourself a hell of a lot better than that."

Sirius knew James would kill him if he hexed his pregnant wife, so he contented himself with blowing a raspberry at her as he stomped out.

***

He rode for a long time that night, on his motorcycle in the night sky, the hot wind against his face. Up here he could close his eyes and forget everything but the freedom that flight gave him. Up here he didn't have to think about Fabian, or Voldemort, or James or Lily or Peter or even Remus. Up here there was no world- only Sirius.

Lily was right, naturally. So was Peter. So was James. But as Dumbledore had told him back in sixth year, after he'd sent Snivellus to the shack, right and easy were two different things. And it didn't all come down to that, either.

He'd been angry at Remus. He knew that. It was far easier (and damn it, right!) to be angry at Fabian, but Remus had hidden this piece of information for two weeks. And not just from his friends, like Peter said, but from Sirius, who loved him. And even though Remus couldn't say the words, Sirius was sure (pretty sure, anyway) Remus loved him in return. Who did that?

But somewhere over London, he'd had this thought: Moody knew that Sirius Black was a homosexual. Moody didn't care, because Moody was Moody and if it wasn't firing Dark Curses at you, it didn't exist. But what if Moody did care? What if he'd told Doge? What if Doge had said, "Black, you're fired because you're a faggot and I don't want you in this office? Your work? It's exemplary. Sure, you never hurt anyone. But you're gay, Black. Out."

It chilled him, because he knew that if Doge did ever find out, that could be exactly what happened.

And say that happened. How would he tell James? Or Peter, or Lily? And oh, God, how could he ever tell Remus?

He would, Sirius knew. If it came to that, he would. But he wasn't Remus.

If Remus had to accept that Sirius was an impulsive idiot, Sirius had to accept that Remus was too proud to tell people he loved about these sorts of defeats. It was only fair, right?

***

Remus was listening to the WWN. The newscast was curiously upbeat: stories of wedding anniversaries, Ministry inconsequentials, and sporting news. No mention of deaths, disappearances, or tortures. Remus made a face and snapped off the set. "The whole fucking country is in denial," he informed the empty flat.

He knew perfectly well that wasn't true. The announcer was either in denial or, more accurately, working for Voldemort, whether he wanted to be or not. But it still disgusted him.

He was about to get up to get a book when the door opened and Sirius came in.

"You're late," he admonished with a smile. "I saved you some dinner, it's heating in the oven. I- Sirius, what is it?" Sirius looked different, with stormy eyes and a serious face. "Sirius?"

Sirius came over and kissed him.

When Sirius finally let him up for air, Remus drew back and studied him. "Sirius? Not that I object, but what's going on? Why are you so late? Is everything all right?"

"Everything's fine. Well, as fine as it is these days. Remus, you need to know something."

"What?"

"I love you."

A cold chill crept down his spine. Sirius rarely said the words, and certainly not with a look like that. "I know that," he said quietly.

"I know you do. But you need to hear that before you hear the rest of what I say. I know Fabian fired you two weeks ago."

Shit. "Sirius, it's all right. I found another job, and although it doesn't pay as much I-"

"Let me finish," Sirius said. Remus sighed and folded his hands in his lap, looking up at Sirius resignedly. "I know you were fired," Sirius said. "And I know why you didn't tell me. It's a slight at your manhood, isn't it? I know that's a corny phrase, but it's accurate. You weren't fired because of human error- you were fired because you aren't even seen as human. And you can't handle that."

To Remus's shame, his eyes began to burn. He looked down at his lap. Sirius took his chin in his warm fingers, and tilted his face back up. For a moment, Remus was forcibly reminded of Alphard, right before his death. He shivered.

"I can handle it," Sirius said. "And I understand why you didn't tell me. It hurts, Remus. It hurts like hell because I do love you. I trust you. But I'm going to understand. And I'm going to let it go."

"Sirius, I... I wanted to tell you."

"No, you didn't. Or you would have."

Remus buried his face in his hands, humiliation coursing down every nerve. "I don't deserve this," he whispered.

"And I didn't deserve to have you understand when I told James, Peter and Lily about you spying on the Death Eaters. But you did, and you're still here."

There was no answer to that.

They sat there for a long time, Sirius sitting on the ottoman facing Remus, Remus with his face in his hands, overwhelmed. He couldn't look up until he heard Sirius move.

"Where are you going?" he asked him.

Sirius looked at him, puzzled. "You said there was dinner in the oven."

Remus never knew what made him blurt it out. "I need help."

"What?"

"I need help. On the night of the full moon. The Death Eaters...."

Sirius sat back down slowly. "We'll help you."

***

The hot, sticky days passed by in a tense haze. Sirius found himself wishing more and more often that it would just rain. The heat made everything so much worse, and everyone so much more on edge. Oppressive was the right word, especially when Sirius got the message from James that Dumbledore needed him, and that James wanted to Sirius to stay with Lily, just in case.

"You're sure you don't mind?" James asked.

"For the thousandth time, no. Not at all. I'm on my way over," Sirius told James through the mirror.

"But tomorrow night..."

Sirius bit his lip. The full moon was tomorrow night, and none of them knew yet what it would involve. "It will be all right, James. Absolute worst case scenario, Wormtail goes with Moony. It should keep him sane enough," Sirius said with a confidence he didn't feel.

"Where is Remus, anyway?" James asked.

"With Frank Longbottom. Something about Death Eater activity in downtown London, of all places."

"I haven't heard about that."

"You know Dumbledore. Now shut up and let me drive."

James mumbled something, but Sirius ignored him, closing his eyes for a moment. After all, the motorbike wouldn't hit anything up here except a recalcitrant goose. The wind on his face felt good, and it blocked out whatever sentimental claptrap James was saying. Sirius couldn't listen to that, because if he did, he'd have to admit that James was walking into very real danger.

Sirius had wanted to go, although he only had the vaguest idea of where James was going. But wherever James was going, Sirius was certain that James would be safer if he was there with him. To his surprise, it was James that put his foot down, begging Sirius to stay with Lily. He'd been so desperate, so worried, that there was no way Sirius could even think of saying no.

He landed outside the flat and charmed his bike, and then went up to knock on the door. Lily answered, and just from looking at her Sirius could tell this was going to be a long night. Her hair was up in a messy knot and her face was drawn and pale, and Sirius made the noble resolution to not remember anything she said tonight, because he was quite sure none of it was going to be good. And really, who could blame her? She was two days past her due date and her husband was in mortal peril.

"What can I do?" Sirius asked, determined that he'd get out of this visit alive.

Lily gave him a grim smile. "Nothing that I actually want, since Dumbledore won't let you go with James."

"Where is he?"

Lily shook her head. "He wasn't even allowed to tell me." From the look on her face, Sirius suspected it was a very good thing Dumbledore wasn't here right now. Even the most powerful wizard alive wouldn't survive a run-in with an overdue Lily Evans. "Come on in and have a drink."

"Let me get it," Sirius offered. He edged past her into the Potters' tiny kitchen. "What would you like?"

She didn't answer, so Sirius turned around. To his alarm, Lily's hand was over her belly, and her face was pale. "Lily?"

She was silent for a minute more, and then shook her head. "Sorry, Sirius. It was nothing. Just the baby kicking. I'll have a butterbeer."

Sirius pulled out two and popped the tops. "I brought Scrabble with me," he told her, pulling it out of his pocket and enlarging it back to its original state. "I thought it might take your mind off things."

"And put it on the way you cheat?"

"Hey, it's Remus that cheats," Sirius protested, hurt. "Come on. Let's play."

They settled in the chaotic living room, Lily in the rocker and Sirius on the couch. Neither of them talked much as they played, and from the way Lily kept shifting, Sirius knew she was not comfortable at all.

Outside, a low rumble of thunder sounded.

"Great," Lily muttered. "Like I'm not worried enough."

"He'll be all right, Lily," Sirius said gently, even though he'd felt the same way.

"You don't know that," Lily snapped. "Don't try to placate me, I-" she broke off, hands flying to her belly again.

"Lily?"

"No. It's nothing. There can't be any way that it's something. The baby's just kicking. Moving. See? There. It's gone."

Sirius eyed her dubiously. "Let's be hypothetical here. If something should happen, should we get you to St. Mungo's?"

Lily shook her head. "No. Dumbledore said specifically not to."

"Was he planning on delivering the baby himself, then?"

"No. He told us to Floo Alex Sommers."

"Oh." Sirius relaxed. "That's all right then."

"And James had a book, just in case." Lily pointed.

Sirius nodded, but three turns later, when the baby "kicked" again, he picked up the book and began reading the passages that James had marked as fast as he could.

Outside, the wind began to pick up, and raindrops splattered against the windowpanes. "It's really coming down," Lily murmured.

"He's going to be okay," Sirius repeated. Perhaps if he said it enough, it would be true. "Lily, is your back hurting?"

"My back always hurts. Oh Merlin, here he goes again."

This time, Lily doubled over and moaned. And this time, there was no doubting that it was not the baby kicking, but a contraction.

"Sirius..." Lily whispered when she could speak again.

"I'm going."

Sirius sprinted the few steps to the fireplace and grabbed a pinch of Floo Powder. But there was no connection to Alex Sommers' flat. "He must be out," he moaned. "Who else?"

"Emmaline Vance?" Lily suggested.

No luck. Sirius suddenly realized how few mothers he knew. Weren't there any matrons in his-

"Longbottom!" he gasped. "Augusta Longbottom."

Augusta wasn't home, but when Sirius tried Frank and Alice, he finally got a connection, and much to his shock, it was Remus that answered.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Frank and I were doing some encryption work for Dumbledore when Alice's Patronus appeared," Remus said, and Sirius suddenly realized how pale he was. "She's in labor."

"You're kidding."

"No. Alex Sommers is here, but Sirius..." Remus glanced over his shoulder and then lowered his voice, "it doesn't look good."

"Doesn't look good?"

"Really bad. The baby hasn't turned, and there's something else- I didn't understand it all- and Alex looks like he's worried they might lose both Alice and the baby."

Remus's words washed through him like ice water, and behind him, Lily moaned in sympathy. "Don't tell them," she whispered urgently.

"What was it?" Remus asked.

"Nothing," Sirius said. "Just..," he wasn't sure how to end that sentence, but he didn't need to. Remus nodded, and although they couldn't reach out their hands and touch, it felt like they had.

"I'll Floo you when it's over."

"All right."

As a last resort, Sirius pulled out the mirror. "Prongs," he said. But his face reflected back at him stubbornly- James must have turned it off.

That was it. There was no one else he could think of. He turned slowly and looked at Lily, who was clutching the back of the rocker and staring at him with wide, scared eyes.

"Well," he said. "Let's do this."

***

It was a long night, but not nearly as long as Sirius had feared. The book was quite explicit, and unlike what he'd envisioned, labor took forever. He had ample time to brew a Pain Reducing Potion for Lily, which helped considerably, and the spells to aid childbirth looked like something he could have done as a Fourth Year. And Lily did everything exactly as the book said she would.

Nevertheless, he had never been so scared in his life.

He was scared when the water broke, although it wasn't as dramatic as he'd pictured.

He was terrified when he had to reach up inside Lily and see if he could feel the baby's head, and his fingers met with wet, fine hair and a soft, pulsing scalp.

And he was petrified when the Pain Reducing Potion didn't mask all the pain, and Lily was bathed in sweat and clutching the headboard of the bed she shared with James, and she gasped, "Sirius, it's time."

He never knew how he made it through the delivery, but after couple of gentle Transfiguration Spells on his part and a lot of effort on Lily's, the baby emerged, faster than Sirius expected. A glance at the book reminded him of the afterbirth, and then he was tying the cord and cutting it, and there was a cry. It wasn't loud, but there was no doubt that the baby boy in Sirius's arms was furious about being pushed from his warm, snug home and out into the cold of the world.

"It's a boy," he whispered to Lily, placing the still-bloody child in her arms.

Lily didn't smile, she just closed her eyes in relief and placed a quick, gentle kiss on his head. "He's cold," she whispered. "So am I."

Sirius pulled a blanket over her and went about trying to clean up the baby. He'd never handled anything so small and fragile before, and his heart was in his throat the entire time. But the baby kicked and cried, so Sirius figured he hadn't killed it yet.

When he was done, he placed the bundle in Lily's arms and turned his attention to her. He cleaned her up, levitated her and changed the sheets, and then finally, he thought it might be over. He looked at Lily again, and this time, she smiled at him.

"Thank you, Sirius," she whispered. "Thank you so much."

***

Three hours later, Sirius still couldn't sleep. He'd cleaned the sheets, straightened the house, figured out a nappy (sort of), and checked to make sure both mother and child were asleep and still breathing about sixty-two times. But as exhausted as he was, he still couldn't sleep.

The storm had blown out and the sun was rising when the door opened, and James finally came home.

He had a long cut on his face, and he was filthy. His hair was matted flat in places, and even more of a mess in others. One lens of his glasses was broken, and the right arm of his robe was only hanging on by a few threads. But the worst was the look on his face.

Sirius stepped forward and pulled him into a tight embrace.

"Is Lily all right?" James asked when they pulled away.

"Did you get my message?" James shook his head, and Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. "Come with me, then. But be quiet."

They made their way to the bedroom, and Sirius opened the door. Some sense must have told Lily James was home, because she opened her eyes. As badly as Sirius wanted to see this moment, he recognized it was for Lily, James, and their newborn son. James went to his wife's side, and Sirius shut the door.

***

An hour later, James emerged, holding his newborn son as if he were made of glass. "I can't believe it," he said, his voice hoarse with awe. "He's perfect."

Sirius smiled. "Congratulations."

"Thank you." James pushed his glasses up his nose and smiled at the baby. "We've named him Harry. Harry James."

"Good name. How's Lily doing?" Sirius asked.

"She seems to be all right." James looked up from the infant and his eyes focused on Sirius. "Padfoot, I...."

Sirius swallowed. There were so many things that needed to be said, but words suddenly seemed inadequate. All Sirius could to was go over and put his arms around his best friend. James rested his head against Sirius's chest, shaking as he held Harry close to his chest.

***

Sirius wanted nothing more than to fall asleep on the couch, but it was now seven o'clock and he was expected at the Ministry at eight. He scrubbed at his eyes with his hands and sighed. James was asleep in the armchair, Harry snuggled against his chest. Sirius quietly grabbed a glass of milk from the refrigerator and then tiptoed out the door.

His exhaustion disappeared once his bike was in the air. He looked down over the city. The Muggles were already going about their day, the cars beneath him the size of Gobstones. He wished most desperately he could go home and... and see Remus, who'd been at the Longbottoms' all night. Sirius had forgotten that until now. He breathed a quick prayer that Alice and her son were all right.

His prayer was answered as soon as he got into work. The atmosphere in the Auror office was light-hearted and almost celebratory, something it hadn't been in months. Sirius made his way to his desk greeted by smiles.

"Did you hear?" Gideon Prewett said as he swung by Sirius's desk. "Your friend Peter was right! Alice and Frank had a little boy named Neville!"

"Nice to hear some good news for a change," Sirius said, relaxing back into his chair. Gideon studied him more closely.

"You look bloody awful."

"Thanks. I was up all night."

"Drinking?"

"Nope. James and Lily had their baby, too. Little boy named Harry."

"That's great!" Gideon said. "Same birthday and everything!"

Sirius thought about this. "What time was Neville born?"

"Oh. Good point. I'm not sure. We'll ask Frank when he comes in."

And Frank did come in later that day, a bottle of firewhiskey in one hand and a box of cigars in the other. "It's a boy!" he shouted exuberantly, and before long the entire Auror office was under a cloud of blue sugared smoke. Frank was relating the details of the birth to anyone who would listen, and Sirius picked up that the baby had to be delivered by a C-section, had been born at 11:10 at night, and that Alice was exhausted and in pain but recovering quickly.

The glass of whiskey he'd had went straight to his head, and the room began to spin. He'd had no sleep and no food to speak of since a quick snack yesterday afternoon. When the celebration died down and Doge called the Aurors into a meeting, Sirius was barely coherent.

His eyes slowly slid shut during Doge's description of Death Eater activity in Manchester. He didn't realize he was even asleep until someone kicked him in the shin.

"-werewolf activity in several locations. I know it's the business of the Werewolf Capture Unit, but we've been asked to keep our eyes open. It's pretty much confirmed that You-Know-Who has bought the service of Dark Creatures. There is also talk that he has recruited Dementors and giants. Again, this is not under our jurisdiction, but keep your eyes open. I mention the werewolves especially because tonight is a full moon. Understand?"

Full moon. Sirius dropped his head on the table. In the excitement of Harry's birth, he had completely forgotten.

***

Remus bit his lip as Sirius paced the room. "Sirius," he said, for the fifth time, "it's fine. I understand."

"He wanted to come. You know he did."

"Yes. Look, even if you can't come, Peter will still be there, right? Right. We'll be fine."

Sirius ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. "I know. It's just... I'm not sure how much help I'll be tonight."

This was the point where Remus was supposed to say It's all right if you don't come. I'll be fine. Any other full moon night, Remus would have. Really. But tonight, when his "service" was being "requested"... he couldn't bear to say it. The pause hung in the air.

Sirius broke it with a sigh. "We'll all be all right tonight, Moony."

Remus nodded. "I'd better go, I suppose," he said, looking out the window. "Be careful."

"We will be."

They stood looking at each other for a moment, and then at the same time crossed the room to each other. Their embrace was tight, and for a moment Remus felt like everything was right in the world.

"It will be all right," Sirius whispered. "I promise."

***