Accidentally In Love

Part II- Acknowledgement

The howl of the train whistle announced the arrival of the Hogwarts Express to King's Cross Station. Sirius stretched his legs, kicking Lily Evans in the process.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry Evans. Accident," he lied.

She narrowed her eyes and glared at him but didn't say anything. Fortunately James, who had been staring out the window excitedly, chose that moment to turn back to the compartment.

"So you and your parents are coming, right Lily?" he asked anxiously. "Everything's all set?"

"Everything's fine, James," Lily laughed, turning very different eyes on him. "We'll be there at five on Christmas Day."

"All right," James said as the train lurched to a stop. "I'll miss you," he said softly to Lily, and leaned in to kiss her.

Sirius gagged. "Oh Wormtail," he simpered, turning to face Peter who had had his nose in a book. "I'll miss you so."

Peter promptly dropped the book and joined in. "Sirius... how will we ever stand to be apart?"

"I do not know, but your beauty shall remain in my mind as a constant reminder."

"My loins will burn for you!"

"Loins? Um, Peter? What kind of book are you reading?" James asked.

Sirius placed his hand over his heart and knelt before Peter. "Listen not to the infidel! I shall long for you every moment that we are separated!"

"Darling, I pine! I pine!" Peter shrilled, hands clasped beside his face as he batted his eyelashes.

"Oh the agony!"

"The suffering!"

"The pain!"

"The misery!"

"The nausea," Remus growled, rubbing his eyes as he woke up. "All four of you are sick. Sick sick sick sick sick."

"I thought you and Alex were an item?" Lily asked.

"Women are the root of all evil," Remus told her solemnly, and found himself being kicked in the shins by an annoyed Lily. "Hey! That hurts!"

"There they are!" James shouted, waving out the window. "And Lily, be nice to Remus. Alex dumped him."

"Tactful, Prongs," Remus complimented as he rubbed his shins.

"Thanks. You guys ready?"

Sirius lifted his bag and glanced out the train window and suddenly drew in a sharp breath. There in the crowd were his parents. Around him the others were gathering their things together, but Sirius stood frozen, staring at them. They couldn't see him, and he could look all he liked.

His father was greyer and older than Sirius remembered, his shoulders a little more hunched. Had he ever really been afraid of that man? It didn't seem possible. Unconsciously he flexed his back, but there was nothing there.

His mother looked worse. Her hair was completely grey and was not so neatly chignoned as it had always been, and her stance was not so regal. Sirius noticed that her robes looked a little worse for the wear, and she wasn't wearing any jewelry.

Had he caused this? Did she cry over him at night? Did she miss him? Did she regret anything? He stood on the train, hand pressed to the window, watching them stand as their own little island as students poured out. They looked alone and old and tired.

His mother turned towards the train and her face brightened. Sirius's heart leapt into his throat, and for one brief moment he believed she could see him. Then he saw Regulus pushing through the crowds and their mother waving to her second son. Waving. Sirius had always believed that waving was beneath his mother. He turned away and found himself looking into James's suddenly serious eyes.

"All right, Padfoot?" James asked quietly, hand on Sirius's shoulder.

"All right Prongs." Sirius covered James's hand and quickly squeezed, and then pulled himself together and forced a smile. He wouldn't be the one with regrets. "Let's go introduce your parents to your lady love."

***

Romance. Could they all just shut up about romance? Personally, Remus never wanted to hear the word again.

He wasn't under the illusion that he was suffering from a broken heart. Not at all. In fact, the break up with Alex hadn't bothered him much at all. Really. Why should he care, anyway? There were others. There would be other chances, or no chances now that he'd learned his lesson. He didn't care, he repeated for the hundred and seventy-sixth time in two weeks. He didn't... oh bugger. He breathed deep and resolved not to think about it for the duration of the holidays.

Remus's father was waiting on the edge of the crowd, and Remus swallowed hard. Another holiday, another two weeks of pretending. He hated this.

Across the station James was introducing his parents to Lily Evans. Pretty, smart, red-haired, Head GIRL Lily Evans. It wasn't fair. Heck, by all rights James should be the gay one. Remus was the werewolf, Sirius the abused kid who ran away from home, Peter the one who lost a loving father. There had better be a very good reason James got skipped and they were back to Remus again. Then James caught his gaze and smiled at him, and Remus felt guilt for thinking anything like that.

His father was smiling as Remus wormed his way through the crowd. Even as he smiled back and hugged him, the traitorous part of his mind wondered how his close his father would let him get if he knew that about two weeks ago his son had been in bed in the Hogshead Inn giving another bloke a blow job. His stomach twisted with shame and he nearly was sick right there on the platform.

"Ready to go?" Damien asked.

No. "Sure." Remus hitched his bag higher on his shoulder. "I guess."

He wished he could talk to his father about what had happened with Alex. Not all the details, but just enough. But as he looked at his father's face, he knew that was a nonstarter.

He turned around as he left, and spotted Sirius, who waved to him. Remus waved back and spent the ride home wishing he had Sirius's courage to just tell his family the truth about what he thought, and to hell with the consequences.

But there were some consequences he just wasn't ready to face.

***

Christmas was two days away, and James and Sirius could no longer put off doing their Christmas shopping. They joined throngs of other last minute shoppers in Diagon Alley.

"Hey, did you ever talk to Remus about what was bothering him?" James asked Sirius as they pushed through the crowds.

Sirius blinked, trying to remember exactly what James was referring to. "Oh! Oh right, after that full moon. Yeah. It was Alex. Things were going bad already."

James whistled between his teeth. "He really got burned, didn't he?"

"Pride, I think, more than anything else." Sirius shrugged. "He'll be okay."

"He seems to have recovered. And I'll kick Hufflepuff's arse next time we play them in revenge," James agreed cheerfully, and Sirius managed to stop himself before he reminded James that Alex was a Slytherin, not a Hufflepuff. "Gringotts first?"

"If I want money to spend, it had better be." They set out towards the large marble bank.

The cold air reddened their noses and cheeks and froze their breath before them. The sky above was grey and threatening, but not enough to dampen either boy's mood. The snow was wet enough to pack, and cold when it slithered down Sirius's neck after James threw a particularly well-aimed snowball. As much as Sirius loved Remus and Peter, there was nothing that quite compared to the freedom of being out with James. By the time they entered Diagon Alley they were wet, liberally dusted with snow, and laughing hard enough to turn heads. They only managed to pull themselves together when they stepped inside Gringotts.

"I have the key to Alphard Black's vault," Sirius said, flashing it at the goblin before him.

"Can't let you in. You're not him," the goblin said without even looking up.

James and Sirius exchanged confused glances. "Gringotts sent me the key," Sirius insisted. "I'm his great-nephew, Sirius Black. They said the vault was mine now." He put the key firmly on the papers under the goblin's nose.

The goblin studied the key, sighed, and then flipped through the book. "Fine. Black, Black... oh. Yes." He grinned nastily. "I see."

"You see what?" Sirius demanded.

The goblin's grin widened, but his only comment was "I suppose it's in order, or as in order as it will ever be for old Black. Idiot." He gestured for the boys to follow him.

"What do you mean, idiot?" Sirius asked, following and settling himself into the cart.

"Don't call me an idiot," the goblin retorted. Sirius rolled his eyes at James, who opened his mouth to frame a suitable retort and had the words whipped away by the speed of the cart.

Alphard's vault was number 711. The goblin inserted the key and opened the door, and Sirius's mouth fell open. It wasn't a fortune, per se, but there was still a good-sized heap of gold galleons.

"Close your mouth, Padfoot," James said with a huge grin, "and gather up what you need."

"James, do you realize..."

"Sirius, come on." James cocked his head at the goblin, who was looking at his pocket watch and tapping his foot. He bent down and began to pile some gold into Sirius's moneybag. Sirius shook himself out of his shocked stupor and helped.

When they were outside again, Diagon Alley looked even more beautiful than Sirius could remember seeing it. The stores were a lot more exciting now that he knew he had money, and suddenly the world before him was open with possibilities.

Ironically, aside from Christmas gifts, there wasn't much in Diagon Alley that Sirius needed to buy. The Potters had bought his seventh year textbooks for him, and his school robes fit fine. But he was in desperate need of a jacket and new shoes, and nothing could excite him enough to go into the required stores.

"We could go into Muggle London," James suggested. "At least it will be different."

"Sounds good," Sirius agreed, with a bit more enthusiasm.

Muggle London might be very interesting; especially to Sirius who rarely saw it, but absolutely nothing could make shoe shopping compelling for either boy. James charmed the first pair of boots that Sirius tried on so they would fit, and the boys were out about five minutes after they entered.

"Honestly," James said, looking back at the store with the relief of an escaped convict. "Why do girls like shopping for shoes? They're shoes! You wear them on your feet!"

"Got me, mate," Sirius said, clutching his bag. To be honest, he liked the boots he'd just bought. Doc Martins, the clerk had said, black leather that laced partway up his calves. They were- whoa.

"I mean, Lily owns seven pairs," James said, still walking. "What would you do with seven pairs? Two is my limit. One good pair and one for everyday. And then I guess the sneakers I wear for Quidditch. And I suppose you need boots. But that doesn't make me- Sirius?"

Sirius barely heard him. He was staring at a shop window.

"Padfoot? Hello?"

It was a black leather jacket shouting motorcycles and Muggle and defiance and just unbelievably cool.

James whistled between his teeth. "Bet that costs a lot of galleons," he said.

"Probably." Sirius's nose was practically pressed to the glass.

"If your parents ever saw you wearing it, like on the train to Hogwarts..."

Sirius tore his eyes away and gave James a wolfish grin. "Yeah. I'm gonna see how much it is."

James hesitated for just a moment, and then said, "Come on Padfoot. Don't drag me into another store."

"Well wait out here then." He took a few steps towards the door.

"Wait!"

"What now?"

"No, seriously. Wait. It's going to be expensive, right?"

Sirius glanced at the window again. "Probably."

"Well, wait until Boxing Day. A lot of stores have great sales on Boxing Day. Maybe you can get it for less."

Sirius snorted. "Prongs, you actually know something about shopping?"

James flushed a deep red and shoved him. "Git."

Sirius shoved back playfully, but admitted, "You're probably right. But we're coming back here on Boxing Day."

"Fine," James said with a long suffering sigh. "It's almost dinner time. Let's go home."

Sirius cast one last longing look at the jacket. "All right."

***

"Remus, will you please help me with the tree?" Marilyn asked, struggling with a large evergreen. Remus, who had been sitting on the sofa reading Lord of the Flies for the twenty-seventh time, lazily pulled out his wand and waved it carelessly. The tree floated and straightened under his guidance.

"I'll hold it here while you screw it in."

"Every Christmas I say I'm going to put the tree up without magic," Marilyn grumbled as she got down on the floor. "And every year it takes maybe ten minutes for me to change my mind." She finished tightening the screws that supported the tree. "There. Want to help me decorate it?"

Remus heaved a huge, weary sigh. "Sure," he said, only because "no" wasn't really an option. "Aren't we going to wait for Dad?"

"He won't be home tonight until one or two. It's just you and me, kid." She reached out and ruffled his hair before he could duck away. "I thought we'd set up the tree and then just get some Chinese food."

"All right," he said with as much enthusiasm as he'd ever devoted to his Potions essays. His mother rolled her eyes at him but didn't push the issue.

He did cheer up some as they decorated the tree, especially as they pulled out ornaments that Remus himself had made over the years. Some were all right, but most were badly formed and tacky, clumsy with blobbed letters, blotted paint and too much glue.

"I should make you some new ones," Remus mused as he held up a truly atrocious ball covered with sequins. "At least now I know how to spell Christmas. Oh no, you are not going to hang that one!"

"But it's my favorite!" Marilyn insisted, looking at it affectionately.

"The 's' is backwards! I couldn't even write my own name!"

"You were only four," his mother said, running a finger over it. "You were so little then." She hung it on a high branch.

"Four," Remus muttered. "I made it before I was bitten then, didn't I?"

"Yes," Marilyn said, her voice clipped. "But that's not why I love it. Come on. Let's go get supper."

Remus was largely silent until they returned. "Mum?" he asked as they settled on the floor in front of the tree, eating from the take away boxes with chopsticks and a bottle of cheap wine between them. "Did you ever want to have another kid once I was bitten?"

"No." Marilyn leaned over and poked through his dinner. "Hand over a few cashews."

"Because you weren't allowed," Remus pressed, stealing some of her pepper steak in retaliation.

"Well, we're not," Marilyn agreed, "but the Werewolf Registry wasn't the real reason. Are you old enough that I can I tell you something without you getting upset?"

He shrugged. "Sure."

"We never planned on having you, either."

"Oh." Because he'd promised, Remus didn't shoot back at her like he wanted. "Oh. Is that why you and Dad got married then?"

"Hardly. We were married for four years before you came alone." Marilyn picked through the fried rice, systematically removing bits of fried egg. "I worked very hard for my degree, and your father was an Auror. It's a very dangerous job. We decided against children- we didn't think they fit into the life we planned. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried for three days and your father didn't really speak for a week."

"You're really pushing the 'don't be upset' thing, Mum."

"Baby, you know we love you."

"Then why...?" Remus trailed off, completely unsure of what his question even was.

"You know, sometimes I think God made the gestation period nine months so people would have time to get used to the idea. We were upset at first, but by the time you showed up we were so excited. The first time I held you in my arms I cried again, and this time because I was happy." Marilyn smiled wistfully. "No, not just happy. It's not the right word. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. And your father... your father was so proud he took you into Headquarters before he even brought you home." She laughed. "You dirtied your diaper there, and your father- the great Auror Damien Lupin- was in an absolute panic. He and Alastor Moody tried to get you settled- oh, that was funny to watch- and unfortunately, you, well, weren't finished."

"Meaning..." Remus prodded with a mix of amusement and dread.

"You hit Moody square in the eye. Headquarters was in an uproar for hours." They both laughed, and Remus wondered if this moment wasn't the time to tell her. "Your father still took you back though, as often as he could," Marilyn continued, unaware of her son teetering on the edge of confession. "And Moody never went near you without performing at least three checks that you were covered! From what I hear, he's now paranoid about babies as well as Dark Wizards, food he doesn't make himself, and other things that go bump in the night. And when you showed your first signs of being magical- you turned your carrots into butterflies so you wouldn't have to eat them- I thought your father was going to burst. He's always been so proud of you, Remus, and so have I."

"Even after I was bitten?" he asked, setting down his dinner.

"Especially after you were bitten, baby. Come on. Let's finish and clean up."

Remus obeyed, ducking his head so she couldn't see his expression, and wishing desperately that his parents' opinions didn't matter so much.

***

This was killing him. Beyond killing him. Sirius had held off as long as he could, feeling more than a little awkward about having one off in the Potters' guest bed, but there was a time and a place for everything, and this was most definitely the time.

Checking to make sure the door was locked (twice) and that no house elf was lurking in the corners (three times), Sirius got down to business. The only problem was the voices in his head.

You'd be ready and raring to go if I was James Potter...

A picture of two men, one on his hands and knees and the other one behind him, thrusting endlessly in an image in a book...

Yes Alex, I would fuck Sirius Black...

A body beneath his, slender and angular, sometimes with black hair and sometimes with brown...

Pads, please....

Sirius's eyes shot open as he lay panting on the Potters' guest bed, body still shaking with the force of his orgasm. Oh, it had never been like that, never....

He drew in a deep breath and rolled over to get his wand. The cleaning charm took all of ten seconds, and then his mind wandered back to... it.

His fantasies had always been vague. The feeling of warmth, hands on him, heat and passion, but never a face or a hair color or any single distinguishing feature. On the rare occasion, Sirius wondered about it. (Okay, on the one occasion he'd actually thought about it Sirius wondered about it.) But he had just assumed his fantasies were vague because no girl had taken his fancy.

Well, that was sort of right.

He'd put off doing this for nearly two weeks, ever since Alex's accusation. He was afraid- Sirius could admit that. He was afraid of exactly what would come into his mind. Ever since that night with Alex, the question of his sexuality kept coming back to haunt him at the most inappropriate times, and Sirius knew it was a question that had to be settled. And without knowing it, Remus and James had settled it for him tonight.

He tried to convince himself this was a one-time thought, that it meant nothing, but Sirius was a fundamentally honest person. It meant everything.

Queer. Gay. Homosexual. Faggot. Shirtlifter. Pansy. Pouf. Nancy-boy.

Yes. Check. Uh-huh. Yup. Um... yeah. Unfortunately. Affirmative. And that too.

"I'm gay," he announced to the ceiling.

The ceiling did not respond, but the affirmation spoken for the first time out loud echoed in his ears as if it had been shouted.

As much as he hated it a sense of peace flooded him as he listened to those two syllables ringing in his head. Those three treacherous words "Am I queer?" would stop popping up as he studied Charms or ate a sandwich or brushed his teeth. Of course, he thought sourly, they'd probably just stop popping into his head in that order. Now "Am" and "I" would be switching places and "I am queer" would be invading as he threw snowballs at James and dried the dishes and ate Christmas dinner. Great.

He thought about telling James, but that thought was dismissed quicker than a Snitch on a sugar high. Just yesterday James had told him a raunchy joke about a wizard, a broomstick, and Snape's hair. Sirius had laughed, but he had been offended. Yesterday he'd told himself it was because of Moony. James shouldn't talk about Remus that way, even if he didn't know that's what he was doing. But tonight he admitted James shouldn't talk about Sirius that way. Sirius had never appreciated just how hard it was for Remus to watch them do something he didn't approve of, and for a moment considered laying off Snape in a show of support.

Nah. He'd think of something else instead. Something like- oh shit.

Remus. It had been Remus's voice in his head when he'd come. Remus was the only one who called him "Pads" as opposed to Padfoot. It had been Remus.

No. Not the thought that he needed now. Not when... I would fuck- not NOW!

But that was the question, wasn't it? He knew Remus would sleep with him. Would he sleep with Remus?

That was a terrifying thought. His mind scurried away from it and he pulled the covers up to his chin, trying to bring back some level of chastity.

"You've just figured out you're queer," Sirius muttered sternly to himself, wincing on the last word. "It's a little early to be plotting bed partners, isn't it? Go to sleep."

He tried to obey, but it was a long, sleepless night.

***

The snow that covered Hogwarts on Christmas Eve was a miserable gray rain this far south, freezing cold and peppered with slush. Remus had been in a terrible mood all day, and not in the mood to speak to anyone. Right now he sat on the window sill in his small bedroom, leaning against the glass and clutching a letter in his hand.

"Remus?" His father was standing at the door. "Remus, your mother's been calling for you."

"Sorry. Didn't hear her."

"Are you all right?"

Remus shrugged, and Damien came in and sat down on the chair at Remus's desk. "What's wrong?"

Remus unfolded the parchment he was holding. "I wrote a letter," he admitted, his voice cracking. "A letter to Alphard. And just when I finished it I remembered I can't send it because he's dead."

"Oh." Damien shifted uncomfortably. "Well, Remus, I know you were close to him, but what he did was wrong. Beyond wrong. He cost a man his life and the Ministry-"

"Dad-"

"-Was quite clear on the consequences."

"Dad."

"It's something you'll always have to be careful of, Remus, and-"

"Dad! Enough! I know all that, all right? For crying out loud, I needed a friend, not a werewolf responsibility lecture!"

Damien pressed his lips together. "Your mother wants you to make a salad," he said coldly.

"Fine." Remus crumpled the letter and tossed it into the wastebasket.

And I sure hope you're more civil to her than you are to me."

"Yeah."

"Watch your tone, young man."

"I'm watching it," Remus muttered sulkily as he stomped downstairs to where his mother was finishing dinner in the kitchen.

"I heard you and your father having a go at it," she said with a sigh as he dug out the salad bowl and the lettuce.

"We were not having a go," Remus contradicted, ripping the lettuce with a little more force than necessary.

Marilyn fixed him with a level stare. "Mmmhmm."

"We weren't. He just doesn't listen."

"Neither do you. Honestly Remus, you're so moody these days."

"Moody!?"

"Moody. Sulking, stomping, grumbling... all last summer you did nothing but snap at everyone. And you've barely smiled since you came home on holiday."

"I'm smiling." Remus forced a fake smile. "See? Smile."

"Keep it up and you aren't getting dinner tonight."

"Sorry." Remus turned his attention to the tomatoes.

"I know your father is difficult these days himself, but he's very worried about work," his mother continued as she pulled the roast from the oven.

"Why?

"There's talk that they might promote him back to Auror now that you're seventeen."

"Really?"

"Really. Dad says it's partly desperation on their part, but you know he's hoping anyway."

"Yeah." Remus stared at the salad. "I know."

"Hurry up with that. Everything else is ready."

Remus tossed the salad and carried it out to the small dining room, where his father was waiting at the table. "What's all this?" Damien asked as he surveyed the food. "Is someone coming?"

"No. It's just the three of us."

"But there's enough food for an army!"

"That or the two of us and one seventeen year old boy." Marilyn sat down and unfolded her napkin. "So any news at work Damien?"

"No," he said shortly.

"No news or no promotion?" Marilyn prodded.

"No promotion. Not until Remus graduates and is no longer dependant on us."

"'At's no' 'air!"

"Remus, don't talk with your mouth full, please.

Remus swallowed hastily. "That's not fair," he said more clearly. "You've waited this long and I'm legally an adult and the Ministry is NEVER-"

"It's not fair," Damien interrupted. "But that's the Ministry, and the Ministry often does know what's best." Remus deflated, well aware that this line of logic was his father's avoidance tactic. "Now. How was school this term? We haven't heard much from you in the past month."

"It was okay."

"Just okay?" Damien pressed.

Remus shrugged. "Yeah. Just okay."

"What were you writing to Alphard about?"

"Not much. Just stuff."

"Stuff."

"Yeah. Stuff." For a moment the only sound in the room was the clink of forks on plates, and Remus hoped his father would just drop it. No such luck.

"You know, Remus," Damien began awkwardly, "I know Alphard meant a lot to you, but if there's anything you want to talk about, your mother and I are here to listen."

"There's nothing," Remus said, eyes fixed on his plate.

"Is it a girl?" his mother asked hopefully.

Remus's cheeks flared red, as did his temper. "No!" His parents exchanged significant looks at his outburst. "Look, it's not a girl, all right? There's never going to be a girl." Oh shit. Now he had to. He took a deep breath, but it didn't help at all.

"Oh, come on Remus, I'm sure there will be," Damien insisted.

"No. There won't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm..." he couldn't force the word.

"Remus, did something happen this semester?" Damien demanded.

"Sure! James is dating Lily Evans, Peter is going out with Emily Fairchild, Sirius was going with Alex Sellers, and the one person I could talk to about my lack of a love life got himself killed for killing someone! See? Lots of stuff happened."

"You don't have to tell some older werewolf about it, Remus," Damien insisted in a tight voice. "You could tell us."

"I just did, or I tried to, anyway!" Remus pushed his plate away. "Didn't you listen?"

"I did!" Damien pushed his hair behind his ears angrily. "And if you would talk about it calmly and civilly and like a human-"

"But I'm not a human, am I, Dad? And that's where all the trouble is. I am a pathetic freak of a beast that causes more trouble than I'm worth, and then to top it off now I know I'm-"

"One more step out of line, young man, and you're going to be-"

"ENOUGH! Remus, go to your room. Damien, go to your garage. Both of you calm down and when you are done behaving like children we will discuss this as adults!" Marilyn stood angrily and began gathering plates.

"Marilyn-"

"Damien, just go."

"Mum-"

"Remus, room. Now."

Remus cast one final glare at both his parents and stomped up the stairs. As he reached the top he heard the door slam and felt some small measure of satisfaction that his father was pissed off as well. Good.

The satisfaction didn't last long once he entered his room. The familiar sight of the books surrounding him and his childhood bed calmed him slightly. He sat down on the bed, gloomily hugging an old teddy bear to his chest.

Alphard's passing was still a raw, red wound that hadn't healed. Remus hugged the bear to him tightly, burying his face in the matted fur and wishing he could slip out and meet Alphard somewhere and just talk himself hoarse about school, about his parents, about what had happened with Alex. But that wasn't going to happen. Ever again.

"Remus?"

With a start he looked up to see his mother standing in the door. He was surprised at how much time had passed, and how tired and worn she looked. "Mum."

"May I come in?"

He shrugged, but he scooted over to make room for her on the bed. She gave a small laugh as she saw the bear in his arms. "You still have Jam?"

"Yeah. Hey, whatever happened to Peanutbutter, anyway?"

Marilyn's face clouded. "You don't remember?"

"No."

"We put him in the shed with you once, when you were six. We thought it might calm you down some, that it might help. It didn't work."

"I destroyed Peanutbutter?" Remus asked, clutching Jam a little tighter.

"There wasn't a shred of that poor bear left," Marilyn admitted.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, throat clogging. "I'm sorry." He squeezed his eyes shut and a tear leaked out; he wiped it away impatiently. They both knew he wasn't just apologizing for Peanutbutter.

His mother put her arm around his shoulders. "It's okay, baby," she whispered. She rubbed his back gently, and Remus leaned against her shoulder, breathing in her familiar perfume and relaxing against her. "So," she said conversationally, "You're gay then?"

Remus jerked away from her. "How did you know?"

"You just told us. Despite what you might think, I do listen."

"But... but...." She couldn't know. Not really. She wouldn't be this calm if she knew.

Marilyn took his hand. "Remus, it's all right. Relax." She gently pulled him back. "It's all right," she repeated. "Did something happen with Alex?"

"How do you know about Alex?" he asked, eyes wide and clinging to Jam for dear life. "I never said-"

"No, but all of a sudden the name popped up more and more in your letters. I wondered. I've wondered before this, too."

Remus deflated. "Oh."

"You must have wanted to tell us very badly to let it slip tonight. That's not like you."

Remus nodded. "I hate lying to you and Dad," he said miserably.

"Was this what was bothering you last summer?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Well, you were impossible," Marilyn said with a grin, nudging him with her shoulder. Remus gave her a weak smile back. She sighed and resumed rubbing his back.

"Do you love me anyway?" he asked, a small child terrified of losing his parents.

"No. I would love you anyway if you robbed a bank or you killed someone. I just simply love you, Remus. Nothing's changed."

Remus shook his head, still not releasing the bear. "This wasn't how this was supposed to go," he said quietly. "I wasn't expecting this."

"I understand why you don't, but sometimes you need to have a little more faith in people, Remus. They don't always act like you expect." A muted shout and subsequent crash punctuated her sentence. "Then again," Marilyn sighed, "some people are completely predictable. I think your father just worked it out." Another crash followed. "Do you want me to talk to him first?"

"Would you?"

She nodded and stroked his hair back. "I'll go."

"Mum?"

"Yes Remus?"

"I'm scared."

She kissed him on the forehead. "I know. But baby, you're the strongest person I know, and that includes your father. It will be all right." She kissed him once more and left.

It was several minutes before Remus could move again, and when he did, he automatically reached for his parchment and quill. Alphard might not be alive, but there was one person who would understand.

Dear Sirius-

I told my parents tonight. Mum's been great- Dad's not too pleased. Hope he calms down.

Hope you and Prongs aren't driving the Potters to St. Mungo's.

-Remus

It was short and Remus thought it was stupid, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. He rolled it up and crept out of his room. At least the shouting had stopped.

The house was silent once he sent the owl on his way. Remus wandered outside into the cold and opened the shed. The small structure stank of blood and stale air, but for some reason it seemed the right place to be. The anticipation of his father's tirade was killing him. He settled down in a corner, wrapping his arms around his legs and burying his face in the hollow between his knees, thoroughly miserable.

"This is the last place I'd expect you to be."

Shit. His father had found him.

"Yeah, well it fits," Remus muttered.

"Come inside. You're going to freeze."

"No. Say it out here." He looked up and realized with a sinking heart that he was right, his father was furious. He huddled in on himself tighter.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say." Damien's voice was tight and strained.

"I do. You're angry."

"You're bloody right I'm bloody angry! I'm infuriated! What are you thinking, Remus? What in Merlin's name are you thinking?"

"It's not something I'm thinking. It's-"

"It's bad enough you're already a werewolf! Do you have to ruin your life even further by being a flaming faggot as well?"

"Dad..." Remus protested, pressing his forehead to his knees, "it's not like that."

"That's exactly what it's like! How can you do this, Remus? How can you do this?"

Remus shrugged.

"I don't even know what to say. This is simply unbelievable. Have you even thought- just for a minute- about what this is going to do to your life? How people are going to look at you? Not just in our world, but in the Muggle world as well!"

"Why do you think I haven't thought about it? That's all I thought about for six months when I first realized it!" Remus looked up, his anger rising. "I know this is a bit hard, Dad-"

"A bit hard?"

"But have you considered for one moment that I don't want it either?"

"Then change it!" Damien demanded. "Forget it and be normal like the rest of us!"

"I want to! Believe me, I want to, but I can't! Okay?"

"So you're all right with this?"

"What other choice to I have?" Remus shot back. "Just shut myself off forever? Jump off a cliff?" His father winced at that one. "It's there, okay? And at least nobody gets killed with this one. If you can accept me being a werewolf-"

"I DON'T accept you being a werewolf, Remus! Every week I search the journals for a cure! Every night I go down on my knees and pray to the God your mother believes in that we can end this somehow for you! I want you to have a normal life, and if I could give mine to change yours I would! I do not accept that, and I will not accept this!"

"I DO!"

Damien stared at him. "You just said you'd change it if you could."

"I would. Dad, I want a normal life, too. But I was never going to have one anyway. I was never going to have kids-"

"You could have had children-"

"No Dad. I couldn't have. The Ministry forbids it, and anyway, I wouldn't try. I wasn't ever going to get married either-"

"You could have. The Ministry doesn't prohibit that!"

"Maybe not. But I wouldn't have done it. It's the way it is, Dad, and that's all there is to it."

"It is not." Damien shook his head. "You do not need to be any more of a freak-"

"Of a pathetic freak of a beast-" Remus inserted quickly, with nothing but bitterness.

"-Than you already are!

"Go away."

Damien's lips moved silently as he retraced his last words. The dawning recognition was visible. "Remus...."

"Go away!"

"Come inside. It's Christmas Eve and-"

"GO AWAY!" The door flung itself open, even though Remus hadn't removed his wand from his pocket. With a harried, angry look, Damien left. The door slammed closed behind him.

Remus took several deep, shaking breaths and wrapped around himself again. Pride was going to keep him out here, and he'd be shocked if he slept. It was going to be a long, cold night.

***

Christmas Day dawned bright and cold, although Sirius wasn't in any position to notice the second. He was in sitting in front of a dancing fire, wearing warm flannel pajamas that the Potters had given him two months ago and had a cup of hot coffee in his hands. There was a tree covered in silver and gold ornaments, stockings on the mantle (including one with his name), and Mrs. Potter was in the kitchen cooking pancakes. There were carols playing on the WWN, and Mr. Potter had even emerged from his study.

It was nothing like any Christmas Sirius had ever known.

James had woken him up with a badly sung rendition of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", a pillow bashed over his head, and the last glazed donut, which he knew was Sirius's favorite. Mrs. Potter had hugged him good morning, and Mr. Potter had clapped his shoulder almost as affectionately as he had James's. Nothing like the staid and silent and dignified Christmases at the House of Black.

Sirius didn't mention the owl he'd received from Remus last night, and in the warmth and happiness of the morning, told himself that hopefully Mr. Lupin had calmed down. Regardless, he'd know soon. And right now Mrs. Potter was putting his pancakes in front of him and James was talking about Lily coming over that evening and bringing her family, so Sirius returned to the immediate present and joined in the celebration.

He knew it was coming, but he was still surprised later when Mrs. Potter put a present in his lap, wrapped in bright red paper with a big gold bow.

"You can't," he insisted. "This is too much...."

"Nonsense," Mrs. Potter insisted. "Open it."

Sirius opened it with trembling fingers to find the black leather jacket he'd been admiring.

"Is that the right one?" Mrs. Potter asked anxiously. "Will it fit?"

"It's too much," Sirius insisted, his hands lingering on the leather. "Thank you." He pulled it on over his pajamas. "It fits perfectly," he said, turning around ostensibly to show off the back but really to hide the sudden sheen in his eyes.

"Here. Open mine," James insisted, shoving a green box at him. "They kind of go together." Inside was a pair of Muggle jeans. "Levi's 501 blues," James said. "They go with the jacket. Mum charmed them, so they should fit. I know you really like the Muggle clothes, and I kind of thought...."

"Thanks," Sirius said, grinning.

"Your parents do too much for me," Sirius told James later. He was wearing the t-shirt that had been in a final package, along with the jeans and the boots he'd bought when he and James and gone to Diagon Alley. "They shouldn't have spent that much. And you shouldn't have, either."

"You got me those Quidditch pads, and they weren't cheap either. Hey, here come the Moonies."

Sirius looked out the window in time to see the Mustang pulling in. "Yes! They brought the car. Come on. Let's go see it."

"You're obsessed," James sang out as Sirius grabbed his new leather jacket and sprinted out the door.

"Sirius, Happy Christmas!" Marilyn Lupin was the first out of the car, balancing a casserole dish. "That outfit... you look good in normal clothes. Where's- oh, hello there James. Happy Christmas." She kissed Sirius and then James on the cheek as Damien climbed out of the car. He nodded at James, grunted at Sirius, and looked thoroughly in a foul mood. "We'll go inside and find your mother, all right?" Marilyn suggested, gesturing firmly to Damien with her head.

"I'll take you," James promptly volunteered, leading them inside.

"Hey Moony," Sirius began as Remus climbed out of the car, but the words died in his throat.

Somewhere in his head, Sirius was aware that this was a time when Remus desperately needed a friend, not someone ogling him. But Remus's presence hit Sirius like a stunning charm straight to the chest.

He didn't look any different, Sirius told himself. He still had the same sharply cut face, same skinny shoulders, same pale skin, same light brown hair. Same eyes, same lips, same throat, same- same. He was wearing a white button down shirt and a pair of khaki pants that were a little too loose, and probably nine out of ten girls would walk by him without giving him a second glance. But in the wake of his personal revelation, Remus was now getting third, fourth, and fifth looks from Sirius.

"What?" Remus asked, puzzled.

Sirius snapped his mouth shut. "Frog in my throat," he croaked. "Sorry. Happy Christmas."

"Thanks," Remus said with a small smile. "Did you get my owl?"

The question returned the blood to his brain where it belonged. "Yeah, I did. What happened?" Sirius asked, relieved as the attraction ebbed back into friendship.

"Let's just say Dad's not thrilled with me at the moment," Remus said with a grimace.

"Is he still speaking to you?"

"That would be a very loud and emphatic 'no'."

"Oh shit." Sirius reached out to put his arm around Remus's shoulders, but Remus stiffened and shrugged it off, nodding towards the house. Sirius understood, but... but.

"Like the jacket," Remus said in an obviously faked casual voice as he dug through the back seat of the car and surfaced with a carrier bag of gifts. "Come on. Let's get inside before we freeze."

"I won't freeze," Sirius insisted. "Can't we stay out here?" He meant to talk about Remus's father, but his eyes lingered on the car.

"No." Remus's teeth were chattering. "But if you're really nice to me, I'll see if my parents will let us take the car out after dinner."

"You can DRIVE?"

Remus smiled smugly. "Come on," he repeated, heading for the house. "I'm cold, and Peter should be here any minute. I want to give you guys your presents before Lily gets here."

"Good call," Sirius agreed, still in shock as he followed Remus up the path and into the house. "You can drive..."

"Wipe the drool off your chin, Pads. Hey Pete! Happy Christmas!"

Peter was standing in the foyer, wiping a smudge of Floo powder from his nose. "You too. James off with Lady Lily?"

"Have some faith," James protested, appearing and draping one arm around Peter and one around Sirius. "Lily's not coming for an hour yet. Just us for a while. Come on. Let's go up to my room."

As they climbed the stairs, Sirius heard Remus say, "Wormtail, you look exhausted."

Peter sighed. "I had to stay up late last night playing Father Christmas. Mam and Dad always told us that he decorates the tree after we've gone to sleep, right? Well, Mam can't really do it alone anymore, she says it's too sad. So she wanted me to do it with her after my sisters went to sleep. We didn't finish until three in the morning."

"Why didn't you just use magic?" James flashed his wand and a small tree appeared in the corner of his bedroom.

"Mam insists on doing it by hand."

"Oh."

It went without saying that the presents between the four of them had to be opened away from prying eyes. Otherwise it became too hard to explain why Peter gave James a book on hunting, Sirius gave Peter a mousetrap and cheese, James gave Remus an Emily Post book, and Remus and Sirius exchanged dog collars.

"Well, a wolf's a canine," Sirius defended his selection. "And it was that or a book, and-"

"Actually, I like it." Remus was laughing as he fastened the brown leather collar around his neck. "This is going to drive my father absolutely insane." There was a hard, defiant edge to his voice that Sirius rarely heard. He and James exchanged glances, and James shrugged.

"You do have an excellent point, Moony," Sirius said, ignoring what Remus wanted ignored and putting on the studded black leather collar Remus had given him.

"You two are actually wearing dog collars," Peter said disbelievingly. "Dog collars."

"Why not?" Sirius said with a conspiratorial grin at Remus. "We'll start a new trend."

Mrs. Potter echoed Peter's sentiment when they trouped down the stairs and into the drawing room. "Dog collars?" she asked when she saw them. "Never mind. Don't tell me. I really don't want to know. Just no barking at the dinner table, all right?"

"We won't, Mrs. Potter," Remus assured her.

"I think they look good," Marilyn said defensively. "Very dangerous."

Damien snorted. "Remus, you really don't need to advertise," was his only comment before returning to his conversation with Timothy Potter. Remus's cheeks flushed red with anger.

"I like it on you," Sirius whispered to Remus as the doorbell rang. "And it doesn't look like your father says it does."

"Thanks." Remus's eyes drifted down from Sirius's face to the collar at his throat and lingered for a few seconds too long. Sirius swallowed hard, suddenly nervous. "Yours looks good, too." He was about to say something else when they were interrupted by James.

"Can I ask you guys a huge favor?" James begged. Before Remus or Sirius could answer, James plunged ahead. "Lily's sister Petunia is coming with the Evans. She's a Muggle, and she's not very comfortable with magic. Can you guys be nice?"

"Ask Peter, he's the lady-killer," Remus retorted.

James chuckled. "Believe me, I've got the same idea. Wormtail already said he'd be the patsy. But I need you guys to play nice too."

"All right," Sirius agreed.

"Remus?"

Remus was saved from answering by the appearance of Lily and Petunia. Petunia was a thin, bony girl that looked like she'd swallowed a bushel of lemons whole, Sirius thought. "This is Sirius Black," Lily was saying, "and Remus Lupin. And this," the pride in her voice was undeniable, "is James Potter."

"Very nice to meet you," James said to Petunia.

"Lily's told us about you," Sirius recited, even though she'd never had (that he listened to anyway).

"Hi," Remus said, as graciously as if Petunia were a cockroach.

"Nice to meet you," Sirius prompted when the silence grew too long.

"You're wearing a dog collar," Petunia observed.

Sirius grinned at her. "Yes I am. Like it?"

"No." She turned her gaze to Remus, who met it evenly. "God, what a bunch of pathetic freaks."

Remus's face drained of color, although Sirius wasn't sure why. But behind Remus he saw Damien Lupin standing in the doorway, bright patches of color standing out on his cheeks. Sirius would bet every galleon that Alphard had left him the phrase "pathetic freak" had come up last night.

Remus opened his mouth to retort, but Petunia was saved by Peter walking by. He appeared nonchalant, but suddenly his head whipped back and he stared at her.

"Excuse me," he said, right as Remus was about to say something far ruder. "I know this is forward of me, but are you Lily's sister?"

"Yes," Petunia muttered.

"Truly beauty does run in the Evans family," Peter said, eyes wide. "I'm Peter- Peter Pettigrew." He extended a hand. When Petunia grudgingly offered hers, he turned it over and kissed it. "Enchanté, ma cherie," he murmured.

Sirius had to turn away before he started laughing.

Petunia took her hand back, but her expression was slightly softer as she faced Peter. "At least someone has some manners here." She shot a glare at Remus. "It's nice you aren't all animals."

James snorted down a laugh, but Sirius thought that Petunia had just sealed her own doom.

"Of course not. Allow me to get you a drink?" Peter suggested.

Peter didn't let up on Petunia throughout dinner. He plied her with extravagant compliments, interesting small-talk, and the worst pickup lines Sirius had ever heard. (His current favorite was "are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all afternoon.") The courtship was delivered with perfect sincerity, and once or twice Sirius even wondered if Peter was getting interested. It was only after Petunia excused herself and Peter winked at him that Sirius realized no, Peter was just having far too much fun with the assignment James had given him.

And it was just as well. Peter was distracted entertaining Petunia, Lily and James were distracted by each other, Peter's younger sisters Penny and Patricia were distracted by their own whispered commentary, and the adults were distracted by boring adult-like conversation. Which all meant that no one but Sirius really noticed that Remus was only picking at his food and sending dagger-eyed glares in Petunia's direction. Whatever had been said in the Lupin household, it was bad enough that Remus was on the warpath.

However, Remus wasn't too upset to ask for the car keys after dinner, and obviously his mother wasn't upset enough not to give them to him, and Mrs. Potter seemed perfectly content to shoo them all off for a an hour. They squeezed into the car; Sirius, Peter, Penny, Patricia, and Petunia crammed into the back seat, with Penny on Sirius's lap and Patricia on Peter's, Petunia in between, while Lily and James were scrunched in the front with Remus.

"Who likes Queen?" Lily asked Remus has he brushed the eight-tracts to the floor.

"Believe it or not, my parents," Remus answered, turning the key and pulling out onto the road. Sirius tensed in excitement. "You can put them in," Remus was saying, "but don't play 'I'm In Love with My Car' or 'From Father to Son'. If I hear either of them again, I will crash this car into a tree."

Next to Sirius Petunia squawked, and in the rear view mirror Sirius saw the corner of Remus's mouth twitch upwards. Remus was in rare form, and this was going to be great. "'I'm in Love with My Car'?" he asked, shifting Penny on his lap. "Someone actually wrote a song called that?"

"Yeah, and my father sings it constantly. I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile. Get a grip on my boy racer rollbar, such a thrill when your radials squeal," Remus sang, very badly. Petunia visibly winced, and Sirius grinned.

"We could change the lyrics up a bit for James," Remus suggested. "I'm In Love With My Broomstick."

Penny sniggered and clamped her hands over her mouth. "No comment," she giggled.

"I'm in love with my broomstick, gotta feel it all the time. Get a grip on my smooth hard-" Sirius began.

"Oi! Little sisters in the car!" Peter said, clapping his hands over Patricia's ears. "Virgin ears and all that!"

"At least something in this car is virgin, eh Peter?" James looked back over his shoulder, waggling his eyebrows.

"Wormtail! Have you been getting action and not telling us?" Sirius asked, laughing.

"The giant squid," Peter leered, and made a loud, wet sucking sound.

Lily, Penny and Patricia were giggling, but Petunia had turned rather green. "Giant squid?" she asked feebly.

"Oh yes," Remus said, eyes lighting up with an unholy joy. "There's a giant man-eating squid at Hogwarts. It's over sixty feet long and if you get too close it will suck your brains out-"

"Moony," James cautioned, glancing back at Petunia.

"And then devour you alive, bit by gory bit as you scream and writhe in agony!"

"Moony!"

"Remus, how do you turn this on?" Lily asked, studying the player that Damien had installed specially and successfully distracting Remus from torturing her sister.

"Like this." Remus tapped it twice with his wand and loud music filled the car.

Sirius had never had much experience with Muggle music, but obviously both Lily and Remus had as they began singing (for lack of a better word) along. Petunia, Sirius noted, obviously did not care for it. Her entire body was tense and brittle as she sat stiffly between Peter and Sirius.

"Do you like music?" Peter shouted to her.

"This isn't music!" Petunia replied primly.

A little part of Sirius could see what she meant. The music had now swelled into something hard and driving. Remus and Lily weren't so much singing now as shouting, and no one could help but notice the car wasn't going so perfectly straight any more. Petunia leaned forward.

"You're speeding!" she shouted. "You're doing 100 in a 55 zone! You're going to get us all arrested!"

"Ooh, maybe you should slow down, Moony," Sirius said, wanting Remus to do nothing of the sort. The song ended and at least the car straightened out, but Remus hadn't lifted his foot off the gas yet. "Don't want to get us all tossed into Azkaban."

"Azkaban?" Petunia asked.

"Oh yes. That's our prison. The wizarding prison."

"It's guarded by dementors," Remus contributed, not slowing down at all. "They're these huge faceless things that clamp their lips over yours and suck out your soul."

"Your description of the giant squid was better," James opined.

"Yeah, well, I'm getting tired."

"We should head back," James admitted. Remus muttered something that was most likely rude, but soon the car was pulling up in front of the Potters' house again. Petunia immediately climbed over Sirius and Penny and stomped inside.

"That was great," Lily said as they all climbed out. She smoothed her hair. "Remus, you're full of surprises. You're a deadly beater, you listen to Queen, you know how to drive, and that dog collar you're wearing..." Sirius's heart lurched into his throat as he noticed the look Lily had fastened on it.

"Excuse me, boyfriend standing next to you," James growled.

"Come on," Remus said to Lily. "Let's go inside and I'll show you another surprise." He waggled his eyebrows. "James gave me this gift..." The pair of them set off inside.

"He's not after her, Prongs," Sirius said quietly.

"What is with him today?"

"He and his father had some sort of fight. They aren't speaking to each other."

"Oh man."

"Yeah. Let him flirt with Lily a little. He doesn't mean it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Don't worry. You know Moony wouldn't do that to you. Come on. Let's go inside."

The adults were in a tense conversation when they entered, and it took Sirius a moment to realize what was wrong. "Where are Mr. Lupin and Mr. Potter?" he asked.

"The Death Eaters attacked today," Mrs. Potter explained.

"Attacked?!" James, Sirius, and Peter stared at her in shock and anger.

"When?" Peter asked.

"Where?" James pressed.

"A Muggle house in Cambridge. There was a party there," Mrs. Potter said. "They're calling it a gas explosion or some such nonsense, but.... They have all the Aurors out as well as half the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. There's never been an attack of this size."

"Why'd Dad go?" James asked.

"Why do you think?"

James sighed heavily.

"What I don't understand," Peter said as they went into the kitchen to find Remus and Lily, "is why they call themselves 'Death Eaters'. I mean, why don't they just say, 'hello, we're evil. Would you like a pamphlet on our programme?' It would be much easier."

"Got me," Sirius said, not really paying attention.

"Do you really think they blew up a church?"

"Sure sounds like it," James said grimly. "Wonder why."

"Because they were Muggles. Parties on Christmas Day means large congregation of Muggles and maybe even some wizards." Sirius's voice was hollow as he thought about his parents. "It's the way they think."

Peter shook himself. "It's Christmas," he said. "We shouldn't worry about it today."

Sirius and James looked at each other. Maybe not today. But they both thought they would have to worry about it sooner rather than later.

***

"I'm sure your father will be fine," Marilyn said as she and Remus drove home.

"I know," Remus said, looking out the window.

"Dad can take care of himself."

"I know."

"And he'll come to his senses."

Remus didn't answer.

They drove in silence for several minutes.

"So," Marilyn said, breaking the overpowering silence. "Sirius, huh?"

Remus blushed. "I try not to think about it, Mum."

"Why not?"

"He's not interested."

"I don't know about that. He was staring at you all day."

"No he wasn't." He glared out the window.

"Yes he was. He couldn't keep his eyes off you."

"Mum!"

"Just telling you what I saw, Remus."

"Whatever." He looked out the window again, but in the darkness he imagined a pair of grey eyes staring back at him.

***

Transformations without the others were no longer just exhausting; they were just short of torture. The truth was they weren't any worse than before Sirius, James, and Peter had started keeping him company, but now that Remus knew how pleasant transformations could be, unaided ones seemed much more painful.

He'd woken up on the sofa in the living room, with his wounds largely healed by his father's wand. There would be a new scar on his knee, and it looked like maybe a small one on his stomach. Remus sighed. The great thing about Madame Pomfrey was she could heal most wounds without scarring. But Remus didn't have the energy to care. He pulled the blanket around him tighter.

The living room was dim in the pre-dawn, and the only light came from the brightly lit Christmas tree. The twinkling lights from the tree disguised the worn appearance of the furniture and made then tiny room look cozy rather than cramped.

On the end table beside the couch there was a framed photograph of the three of them. Remus picked it up, studying it. It had been taken in the summer three years ago, when they'd gone on a trip to Brighton. All three of them were wearing Muggle clothing- t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers. Remus stood in the middle, his arms around both his parents' shoulders. The three of them were laughing- Remus remembered the portly wizard who'd taken their picture telling them an incredibly corny joke.

"I remember that trip."

Remus snapped his head around to stare at his father. "It was only three years ago."

"That long?" The colored lights were reflecting off Damien's glasses, making it hard to see his eyes.

"Between my fourth and fifth year," Remus said. "You wanted to take us to Greece but the Ministry wouldn't let us." He smirked. "Wouldn't let me."

Damien sighed and sat down in an armchair across from Remus. He leaned forward and Remus handed him the picture. "You look happy in this," his father finally said.

Remus shrugged.

"I haven't seen you look this happy for two years now. Is that how long you've known?"

"Since fifth year. Yeah."

"And Alphard knew?"

"Yeah."

"He never-"

"No. Never." Remus shifted awkwardly. "No one's ever." Damien made a face and turned back to the picture.

"I want to see you like this again, Remus," Damien finally said, tapping the picture against the palm of his hand. "You think you might be now that it's out in the open?"

"I think it will help." Remus chewed his lip. "I've been happy at school," he said heavily. "I don't mind hiding it there. It's just hiding here. Around you and Mum. Lying to you."

"Well then."

"Yeah." Remus stared down at his blanket. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For..." he spread his arms helplessly. "For this."

"Yeah, well. Nothing we can do about it, your mother says," Damien said sourly. "Are you sure this isn't just a phase?"

"Positive."

Damien grimaced. "There's nothing you can do about it."

"No. Don't you think I would have?"

"I guess so." Damien set the picture down and clasped his hands together, elbows on his knees. "I don't know what you want me to say."

That I'm still your son. That you're okay with this. That.... Remus stopped himself. "I don't know either."

They sat in the living room, the lights of the Christmas tree coloring their faces.

***

"So he's speaking to you again?" Sirius asked softly. They were in their room after returning to Hogwarts. James was downstairs with Lily and Peter was involved in a conversation with Emily. Sirius sat cross-legged on Remus's bed, Remus's head in his lap as Remus lay on his back and stared up at the canopy. They'd never sat like this before, and certainly not on a bed, but tonight it felt natural and comforting.

"Yeah. Advantages of a transformation," Remus said wryly. "I can get away with murder afterwards."

"Don't say that," Sirius said softly, his fingers stroking Remus's hair.

"Why not? It's nice that there's a good side to it." Remus opened his eyes, blinking up at Sirius. "Might as well use it."

"Shameless," Sirius chastised. "Why did you tell them, anyway? You didn't have to."

"I know. But I really don't like lying to them."

"You've never told us."

"You know."

"You never told me."

"True, I suppose."

"It is. Would you have told me?" He kept running his fingers through Remus's hair, watching the light play on the strands.

"Maybe. I don't really know. It's not easy."

"No," Sirius admitted. "I don't imagine it is." He leaned down and kissed Remus's forehead softly- another new intimacy that might be called daring if it hadn't been intended solely for comfort. Remus smiled up at him, and Sirius stroked his hair back gently. "It's not easy at all."

***

"Hey Remus," Sirius asked on a cold Friday night in late January as he flipped Exploding Snap cards at the wall. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing," Remus sighed. He was draped across the arms of a chair, hanging upside down as he tried to levitate a few gobstones. "You know, this is much harder when you have to think which way is up. I was going to do my Astronomy essay with Pete-"

"Exciting."

"Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter. Mr. Wormtail decided he's done moping about Miss Fairchild and he'd rather get up the guts to chase the lovely Miss Lovegood, and now I can't be arsed to even look at the bloody thing. Wingardium Leviosa!"

"And?"

"It's sort of bobbing. Look." (The gobstone hadn't much moved.)

"No, stupid. Did Wormtail get Lovegood to go out with him?"

"That's an affirmative. They went to Hogsmeade."

"No!"

"Yup. So Pads..." he tried again and this time the gobstone began to dance through the air. "Got any brilliant ideas?"

"Yes, actually. Why should we have to have dates to go out on a Friday night?"

"Huh?"

"Sit up and listen to me properly." Remus obeyed, his face a dull red as he put his hand to his head to stop the world from spinning. "Seriously," Sirius continued, "why should Friday nights be reserved for romance? Let's just get out of here and go to the Three Broomsticks so I can kick your arse at snooker."

"Except for the fact it will be me kicking your arse, that sounds great."

Going to Hogsmeade with Remus was nothing like going out with James, Sirius thought. There would be no bugging Madame Rosmerta to sell them firewhiskey, and no loud singing in the streets. But it was no less fun, especially when they spotted James and Lily in the window of the Budding Rose and made hideous faces against the glass.

"He's going to kill us," Remus laughed without the slightest bit of remorse after the maitre d' had chased them away.

"Or she will, when he tells her what we were doing to distract him," Sirius agreed with a grin.

"Oh well. Y'know," Remus said, walking on the curb and holding his arms out to balance himself, "Evans isn't half-bad."

"What, you fancy her?" Sirius teased. Remus scooped up a handful of slush and pelted him in the head. "Hey! You-" Sirius sprang and tackled Remus into a nearby snow bank. Remus tried to fend him off with a handful of snow in the face, but Sirius wrestled with him until he had Remus's wrists pinned to the snow.

"So," he said conversationally as Remus struggled to get out from under him. "Let me ask you again, now that I have you at my mercy. Do you fancy Evans?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Pads. You know she's not my type. I like a nice tight ass and a long, hard- what?" Remus demanded as Sirius sputtered with laughter.

"First, I'm not going to jump off you and let you go just because you remind me you're gay, Moony. You'll have to do better than that. And second, you sound ridiculous!"

"Gee. Thanks."

"It's just the innocent face and the prefect thing you've got going."

"What?" Remus asked, lips twitching evilly. "Prefects can't talk dirty?"

Sirius snorted. "No!"

"So I can't tell you I'd go down on some guy, that I would get down on my knees and run my h

hands up his thighs and take him in my mouth until he came down my throat?" he said with a perfectly angelic expression.

"Nope. Wait- have you done that?"

"Yes. And since that doesn't work, I can't tell you I'd fuck some guy? Lean him over a desk and pull up his robes and pound into him until we're both shaking with it?"

"Erm..." Sirius was most definitely aware that his body was listening intently to Remus's words and liking the experience, especially the husky, deep quality of Remus's voice painting vivid pictures in Sirius's mind.

"Or I can't tell you that I'd let some bloke fuck me? Let him do exactly what I said... lean me over some desk and pull up my robes and pound into me until- Gotcha," he said as Sirius scrambled off of him.

"Yeah," Sirius panted, his attention focused on willing a growing erection to go away. "You sure did."

"Anyway," Remus said, standing up and brushing snow off his robes, "my point is... I forgot what my point was." He pulled out his wand and sent a drying charm at Sirius. "Oh. Right. Evans. She's not half-bad."

"Have you really done all that, Moony?" Sirius asked, completely ignoring him.

"The first one, yeah," Remus muttered, looking away from Sirius. "Twice, with Alex. The other two, no. Never."

"How was it?"

"Huh?" Remus started walking towards the Three Broomsticks again, obviously doing his best to evade the question.

"How was it?" Sirius persisted. "Going down on some guy?"

Remus turned and studied him as he chewed on his lower lip and weighed Sirius's question. For a long moment Sirius was afraid Remus would ask why exactly he wanted to know. But Remus simply sighed and answered.

"It was okay," he admitted. "I mean, I liked doing it, but well... I suck at it. Hey! Stop that!" He backhanded Sirius in the chest as he snorted at the unintentional double entendre. "I don't know. I think I would have liked it more if the situation had been different."

"Did he do it do you?"

Sirius could see Remus blush in the lamplight. "Yes."

"Did you like that?"

"Nosy, aren't you? Yes." Remus knelt down to tie an errant shoelace. "Did you do it with Alex?"

"What, go down on her?"

"Yeah. If you get to be nosy, I do too."

"No," Sirius confessed. "I probably should have though."

"She did it to you?"

"Yeah."

"Did you like it?"

"It was a blow job. What's not to like about a blow job?"

Remus looked up from where he was kneeling at Sirius's feet. "Yeah. I know." They stood frozen for a moment, both aware of the suggestiveness of the position. And as Sirius watched, Remus's eyebrows quirked upwards just a little, probably without Remus even knowing it.

"Come on," Sirius said in a hoarse voice, putting out a hand and pulling Remus to his feet. "I'm supposed to be kicking your arse at snooker."

"Right. Snooker." Remus started for the Three Broomsticks again. This time Sirius followed.

***

Neither of them gave it much thought, or so it seemed. But on Friday nights when James was courting Lily and Peter was successfully wooing Tina, Remus and Sirius were on their own together. They became regulars at the Three Broomsticks, although nights in their dorm were not uncommon either, especially as N.E.W.T.s approached.

Remus noticed that Sirius never went out with girls. He tried not to read anything into it, and told himself over and over that Sirius was simply his best friend. But the nights they were alone together felt different. Easy, comfortable, and friendly, but with a jolt of something else that sometimes sent his hair standing on end.

Sirius noticed the way Remus's eyes lit up when they were alone. He noticed the tentativeness, the hesitancy every time Remus touched him. The touches were never sexual; just a hand on his shoulder or brushed over his hair. But there was more there, and Sirius knew it. Remus was still interested, and very much so.

He didn't know what to do about it, or even what he wanted to do about it. Remus was not someone you slept with just to sort out your sex life, and not someone just to use and discard. It didn't have to mean everything, but it couldn't mean nothing, either. Because that was how Remus operated, and the consideration Remus deserved. It was because of Remus's insecurities and Remus's fears and Remus's desires. Right?

Right.

***

"Hey Remus, can I ask you something?" James said as the two of them patrolled the corridors on a chilly March night.

"Can't stop you," Remus said with a shrug.

"Is Sirius seeing someone?"

"Huh? Why are you asking me? Ask him."

"I have. He says no, but..." James shrugged.

"Then why don't you believe him?" Remus peered into a classroom, ostensibly to check that it was empty but more to gain a few precious seconds to control his expression.

"I do, I think, but... look. Every Friday night he actually showers and shaves and puts on aftershave before he goes out, and he dresses like he's trying to impress someone."

"He's just going out with me," Remus said, his heart taking on an odd rhythm.

"That's what he says, too. But I was wondering if there was someone else and you were covering for him."

"James, why would I cover for him? Lily's with you those nights, so it's not like he's running around with her. What could he possibly have to hide?" And when would his heart start beating normally again? Shower and shaving and dressing to impress... it was deliberate. It was. Sirius knew that Remus was gay, there was absolutely no question about that. And as thoughtless as Sirius could be sometimes, it was always that impulsive thoughtlessness, not sustained, planned jerking around that-

"Remus? Did you hear me?"

"Huh? No, sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I thought I heard something."

"I said, is there anyone you come across all the time when you're out?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Well, if you find out anything, tell me or get him to tell me, will you?"

"All right," Remus agreed, still in a daze.

Sirius was dressing up for him.

The next Friday night Remus made sure he took a shower before going out. He wore a red shirt that Emily Fairchild had said looked good on him and a pair of jeans that was just a bit tighter than usual, and he made sure the brown leather collar was visible at his throat. Sirius didn't actually say anything, but Remus was pretty sure his smile was a little wider and Remus didn't think it was his imagination that Sirius's eyes lingered.

No. He was not getting into this again. Alone, aloof werewolf. Alone, aloof werewolf. Alone... oh shit.

That night he paced the dorm room once his roommates were asleep, and came to several important conclusions:

Except that Sirius was dressing for him.

***

"Hey Padfoot," James hissed.

Sirius started out of his thoughts. "What?"

"You up for a run to The Three Broomsticks?"

"Is there enough grease in Snape's hair to make take-aways jealous?" Sirius stood up. "Let's go."

James and Sirius never had trouble sneaking out of the tower, especially now that James bore the Head Boy badge. Of course, the sneaking out had dropped off considerably with the acquisition of said badge and the Head Girl, but it was still far from infrequent.

"It feels good to be out," James said, stretching in the cool night air. "You got the map?"

Sirius consulted it. "We're fine. Not a professor in sight and Filch is in his office snogging his cat. After you, Mr. Prongs."

Within moments, a regal stag and a huge black dog were innocently waltzing out of Hogwarts without a care in the world.

"You know," James said once they'd transformed back and were entering the pub, "we really owe Remus for this."

"It does make life so much more fun," Sirius agreed. "Not too crowded tonight. C'mon. Let's get seats at the bar."

Seats at the bar might have been attractive for flirting with the barmaid or begging for firewhiskey, but Sirius and James soon decided to move. The talk at the bar was thick with another Death Eater attack.

"It's not that I don't care," James said as they sat in a booth.

"You care too much." Sirius rolled a butterbeer bottle between his hands. "They said two wizards this time. Muggle-borns."

"Yeah. Something like that could happen to Lily."

"Or to Moony," Sirius said quietly.

James bit his lip and looked down at the table. Sirius didn't blame him. It wasn't exactly his favorite subject either.

"Dumbledore's been talking to me," James said quietly. "About after Hogwarts."

"What about it?"

"He wants to know if I'll help him fight Voldemort."

Sirius whistled through his teeth. "Pretty high compliment, Prongs. You're going to, right?"

"Better believe it." James looked up and met Sirius's eyes. "You in?"

"James, I've applied to Auror training after this," Sirius explained with mock patience. "Do you really have to ask?"

James's face split into a broad grin. "Thought so. All for one and all that, right?"

"Right." Sirius lifted his drink and clanked it against James's. "Speaking of Moony," Sirius said, jumping back several sentences in their conversation, "What was with him today? I haven't seen him that mad since Christmas."

"He didn't tell you?"

"No."

"He walked in on Alex Sellers kissing Alex Sommers in the library when they were all meeting for their Arithmancy project."

Sirius cringed, stung on more than one level. "Is he okay?"

"Bloody furious, but he's all right," James said. "Funny. I always thought that Sommers was a poof."

"Yeah, me too," Sirius agreed. He took a long drink. "What made you think it?"

"Heard him talking about some bloke he was seeing this semester."

"To whom?"

"Actually, Alex Sellers."

Sirius's heart, which had accelerated rapidly, slowed back down. "Oh. Well."

"Weird," James said.

"Hey Prongs?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have a problem with it, do you?"

James shrugged. "Why should I care who Sommers shags?"

"Good." Sirius began to form the words in his head.

"You've got to admit though," James continued, "it's not natural."

"Yeah. Well." Sirius swallowed both drink and confession hastily, but James wasn't done.

"It's disgusting, really. I mean, two blokes who want to get it on together..." he shuddered, and Sirius considered whacking him over the head with his bottle. "Could you imagine being roommates with one? I'll bet he watches them all and just thinks about what he could do. Or even does it."

"Oh, come on," Sirius said.

"No, I'm serious," James insisted, although he was laughing. "A sleeping potion or a memory charm and bam! You'd never even remember it and just wonder why your arse is sore the next morning."

"Odd that you've got it worked out so well," Sirius said dryly.

"Padfoot, you know I'm kidding about that part, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Seriously. I don't think they're all like that. But you've got to admit it's not normal."

James's eyes were serious now, and Sirius sighed deeply, making a split-second decision. "Guess so," he admitted, all too aware he was telling the truth. "It's not normal at all."

***

"Does it ever bother you?" Sirius asked as he and Remus returned the school brooms from a pick-up game of Quidditch.

"What? That I'm not on the team?" Remus was struggling to put the school broom back in the broom shed. "Sometimes, like when everyone is cheering and everything, I guess. But not normally. Good game today, by the way."

"It was a nice break," Sirius agreed. "That wasn't what I meant though."

"What did you mean?" Remus flopped down next to Sirius, tilting his face up to enjoy the early spring sunshine. "Lots of things bother me."

"Being... well...?"

"A werewolf or gay? With that tone, it's one of the two." Remus propped himself up on his shoulders.

"Gay," Sirius confirmed.

"Yes. Quite a bit. Why else would I hide it?" Remus was surprised to hear how light his own voice sounded.

"I guess," Sirius agreed doubtfully. "But, I mean, do you ever think it's not normal?"

Remus's snort was as eloquent a response as anything he ever could have said.

"Sorry."

"No, Pads, it's okay. It's just you're not saying anything I haven't said in my own head, millions of times. It's not normal, but there's nothing I can do about, so..." Remus shrugged. "Unless you want another round of Quidditch-"

"NO! No more of your bludgers!"

"Then let's change the subject, shall we?"

"All right." Sirius lay down on the grass. "Did James talk to you about this thing with Dumbledore?"

"Yes. You know I'm in." Remus's voice was savage, not at Sirius but with passion. "Dumbledore talked to me as well."

"Really?"

"He's going to talk to you, too, Pads. It's just he wants to talk to us separately."

"What did he say?"

"Not much, really," Remus sighed. "A lot of rhetoric about danger and responsibility and stuff we already know."

"Ugh."

"Yeah."

"Is Wormtail in, do you think?"

Remus considered. "He's scared," he admitted, "but I think he will. Pete's good that way."

"Yeah. I know. Hey Remus?"

"Yes?"

Sirius played with the grass, hesitating. Remus had the impression he was going to ask or say something incredibly big. But he deflated at the last minute, and shook his head.

"No, nothing. But... thanks."

Remus met his eyes, not as baffled as he wanted to believe. "Any time, Sirius. Any time."

Sirius smiled.

***

"She said yes!"

Peter walked into the dorm room, arms held up triumphantly. James, Sirius and Remus looked up from their game of Exploding Snap.

"What?" James demanded, a surprised smile breaking across his face. "Did she really?"

"She really did. Tina Lovegood- THE Tina Lovegood-"

"Of the D cup knockers," Sirius inserted.

"And the long blonde hair," Remus added.

"THAT Tina Lovegood said she'd go steady with me!" Peter punched the air.

James cheered. "After a devastating crash and burn with Emily Fairchild, Chaser Peter Pettigrew has gotten up the field with this one. He swerves, he shoots, he scores, and GOOOOOOOAAAL! The crowd goes wild!"

Sirius and Remus obligingly added the required cheering crowd noises as Peter ran around the room, arms outstretched, and then collapsed on his bed.

"It was brilliant," he declared, sighing at the ceiling. "Simply brilliant. I never thought I'd pull a girl as great as Tina. She's smart, she's gorgeous, she's fun, she's... she's amazing." A gagging noise came from Remus's general direction. "Shove it, Moony. She's just got this way of lighting up when I talk to her and her smile... man."

"I think we should quarantine him," Sirius told Remus. "Obviously James's mush disease is contagious." Remus nodded enthusiastically.

"You guys are just jealous," James protested.

"Oh yes Prongs, that's it," Sirius shot back with good natured sarcasm. "I've been dying to dream up extravagant compliments-"

"And go to Madame Puddifoot's instead of the Three Broomsticks," Remus joined in.

"And miss Quidditch practices-"

"And spend all my money on dinners and flowers-"

"And be asked 'what are you thinking?' all the time-"

"And have to deal with jealousy when I want to hang out with my friends-"

"And be asked 'does this make me look fat?'-"

"And to deal with giggling friends who talk about me-"

"And to put up with 'that time of the month'- OW! Moony!"

"Sorry," Remus said too innocently. "That time of the month."

Sirius whacked him in the back of the head. "Us against them, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Sorry, Pads."

"You two are hopeless," James said, sitting down next to Peter. "You've got it so wrong."

"Nah. We're just picky," Sirius said, slipping his arm around Remus's shoulder.

"Which is why you two have spent every Friday night for the past four months alone together while James and I have gone out with girls," Peter pointed out.

"Exactly!" Sirius agreed. "We're very picky! What girl can measure up to you guys? Especially Moony here?" He ruffled Remus's hair and Remus blushed.

I'd fuck Sirius Black...

Sirius was conscious of Remus's thin shoulders under his arm and the softness of his hair. He was aware of the scent of him in his nostrils, the warmth of his body, and the gentle motions of his breathing.

And most of all, he was aware that given the chance, he'd fuck Remus Lupin right back.

***

"Hey Moony," Sirius said softly, walking into the room. Remus jumped and slammed the book he was reading shut guiltily. Sirius could see the cover: Household Pests. His heart leapt to his throat, because he instinctively knew this was it.

"Where are the others?" Remus asked.

"Relax. Prongs is at Quidditch all afternoon and Tina and Wormtail are studying outside. Budge over, will you?" Remus's eyes locked on him in a wary, worried sort of way, but he obeyed.

Sirius lay down on Remus's bed and opened the book back up. "What page were you on?" he asked as casually as if the pictures had been of transfiguration diagrams and not gay sex. Remus flipped the pages until he found his place. "Mind if I just read with you?" Sirius asked.

"If this sort of thing interests you," Remus said. His voice was even, but Sirius noticed his hand was trembling as he fidgeted with the page.

"It does, actually," Sirius admitted, looking down at the book and refusing to meet Remus's eyes as a sudden unexpected wave of embarrassment flooded him.

"Well then," Remus said after a silence that stretched far too long, "tell me when you want me to turn the page." He settled back down on the bed, laying on his stomach and sharp chin resting on his folded arms, book propped open on the pillow. Sirius affected a similar position, his shoulder and upper arm against Remus's. There was only the sound of breathing and the gentle rustle of turning pages.

"You know," Remus mused, twenty pages later, "for all we joke about it, it seems an odd sort of thing to want to do."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, just like... I mean... here. Would you want to stick your finger up my nose?"

"Yuck, no," Sirius chuckled. He turned on his side to face Remus, propping his head up with his hand. "That's really disgusting, Moony."

"Exactly," Remus agreed. "And that's not half as intimate as," he gestured vaguely in the directing of the book, "as sticking your...."

"Cock?" Sirius supplied, grinning as Remus turned red.

"Yes. Up someone's arse. Or having someone stick theirs up yours." Remus was red to the tips of his ears now, his eyes fastened firmly on the page.

Sirius thought about it, beyond the more pleasant aspects. "I guess when you put it that way I can't imagine why anyone would do it either," he agreed. "With a bloke or with a girl."

"Have you ever done it with either?" Remus asked. Sirius shook his head. "Me neither."

"Do you think you might? Someday soon, I mean?"

"Don't know. It kind of, well, not scares me, but... bothers me, I guess. With everything my life is, I just never want to tie anyone to me. If that makes any sense."

"Yeah, it does, actually."

"Do you think that you'll do it soon?"

"Yes, but I'm not there yet. It does scare me, but if you tell James or Peter that I'll kill you. But you should know."

Remus turned to face Sirius. "Why should I know?"

"Because I think it's going to be with you."

Remus's eyes widened as the words hung in the air between them. Sirius's heart pounded in his chest, in his ears, in his lungs as he stared helplessly at Remus until a smile spread across Remus's lips.

"Same here. It's going to be with you," he said quietly, and Sirius could breathe again.

"Not yet, though," Sirius said, his voice little more than a husky whisper.

"No. Not yet."

Their eyes locked and held, and Sirius slowly leaned in to kiss Remus.

It wasn't much of a kiss. It was clumsy and close-mouthed and their heads bumped because Remus had leaned forward at the same time. But it felt good. And it felt even better when Remus leaned back in. "Not yet," Remus whispered again, his breath glancing across Sirius's lips before his own covered them again. His hand touched Sirius's cheek hesitantly, and Sirius moved closer, cupping Remus's head with his own hand and running his tongue over Remus's lower lip.

The kiss deepened and it wasn't hot passion or overwhelming desire, not like Sirius expected, but it was better than either of those. It was warmth and it was new and exciting and sweet and tender and trust and friendship and lust and lips and tongue and Remus's hair under his hand and his hand on his hip. It felt better than anything else in the world.

They broke apart, both breathless. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus at the same time that Remus's arm tightened around his waist and Remus nestled close, fitting himself into Sirius's arms.

"No, not yet," Sirius whispered against the shell of Remus's ear. "But soon."