You're Still Here

"You're Still Here"

Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away.

"Will he be alright?"

"I hope he's not going to do anything drastic."

"Why can't he just face it?"

These were the echoing whispers around me as I sit at the small table, staring blankly at the chess set. It was a simple Muggle chess game; an old one Sirius bought back when we were kids. He loved chess, and he would always beat me at the game. I don't think I can remember a time that I had won, he had never even let me win.

We had been in the middle of a game before... her.

And I knew it couldn't be but my heart believed.

Ah, what a time we'd had!

I stare at the black chess pieces across from me. Sirius had always insisted on being black. I will them with my mind to move, for me to look up and see Sirius's laughing face. I think back to years before...

"See if you can beat that, Moony!" Sirius's dark hair fell into his eyes as he took my last rook with a sweep of his queen.

I see James sitting in a chair watching, head propped up on one arm, smiling nonchalantly.

"Leave him alone, Padfoot. Werewolves just aren't up to par with the rest of us in the intelligence level..."

At which time I would throw something at him, normally one of my own chess pieces. Then Peter, who would be sitting a little farther back, feet propped up on another chair, would say something about how nice it was to see us getting along, and he would receive another chess piece to the face.

God, I remember them like it was yesterday. After the Potter's death, I remember every day forgetting that they were really gone, and expecting them to come crashing into the room, yelling,

"Surprise! Did you miss us?" as they did every time one of them went away. I remember that day, so many years ago, when my world came crashing down...

I don't remember much about that day, Snape said I went mental, but I honestly can't recall...

Oh it seems like something everyday.
How could you be so far away.

Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape sat in the teachers' conference room. They seemed to be talking about something important to Snape. The door to the room opened a little and Hagrid stuck his large shaggy head in.

"Sorry 'bout botherin' you, but young Remus Lupin's here an"-

Suddenly Remus burst through the door. He had an almost manic glint in his eyes that none of them had ever seen before.

He rushed up to them and stood quivering. "Is it true?" he asked, as if he was restraining himself from running around the table. "Is Voldemort really gone?" McGonagall and Dumbledore exchanged grim glances.

"Yes," said McGonagall, not looking at Remus. He didn't seem to notice, though.

"Yes!" he cried, pumping his fist in the air. "Finally, we're free!" Unable to contain himself he began pacing excitedly around the room.

"You wouldn't believe how I found out. Some drunk told me. He told me some strange things, like that Lily and James were dead. As if Lily and James could die!" He laughed a hollow, high-pitched laugh that made McGonagall flinch.

"He's gone mental," said Snape sourly, but looking uncomfortable.

"Remus, maybe you'd better sit down," said Dumbledore.

"Why? Am I in trouble?" He laughed again, but didn't sit down.

"Remus," said Dumbledore gently, "The Potters are dead. And so is Peter. Voldemort came to Godric's Hollow last night."

"Yeah, sure," said Remus. "I'll bet this is just another of the guys' jokes. What are they doing, hiding under the table or something?"

Professor McGonagall was breathing hard, she seemed to be trying not to cry. "Remus," she said, stepping forward and trying to put a hand on his shoulder which he promptly jerked away, "it's true. They're dead. Sirius betrayed them. He betrayed us all."

"No," said Remus, this time his voice was almost pleading. His face had gone ashen white. "No, no, no. They can't die... they can't..."

Hagrid came in and stood behind him awkwardly. Tears were streaming out of his black beetle eyes.

"Everythin's gonna be alrigh,' he said. "The Ministry's gonna catch Black soon, an' Harry's gone off ter live with his aunt an' uncle..."

Remus slumped, holding his head in his hands. "No," he muttered, "no."

"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, "Would you please escort Mr. Lupin to Madame Pomfrey? She might be able to give him something to-"

"NO!" shouted Remus, who was on his feet again. There were tears streaming out of his eyes, his hands balled into fists.

"They can't die! We made a vow! We made a vow to never leave each other, to never betray each other...Oh, God!" Remus stumbled blindly. Everyone around him was a swirl of color. He couldn't understand anything they were saying. All he heard as he collapsed was a voice in his mind saying 'No,'...

When you're still here.
When I need you you're not hard to find.

But I do remember us. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. And then there was Lily.

Lily, whose green eyes always welled up with tears anytime someone else was crying. Lily, who was always there for you when you were in trouble, even if it was your own fault. Lily, who laughed so hard she cried at least once a day.

I remember one day, a week before James and Lily were to be married, when James pulled me aside, a worried look on his face.

"Come outside with me," he had said. We walked away from the others, all laughing merrily. I had noticed James looking gloomy before.

We sat together on a hill outside James's home. He didn't say anything at first; he just put his head in his hands as I waited.

"I'm worried," he finally said, looking up.

"What are you worried about?" I had asked.

"Lily," he answered. He wiped his eyes, and I realized with a jolt that he was crying.

"We're so young... I mean, I love Lily, I always have, but..."

"You don't know if you'll make a good husband," I finished for him.

"Yes," he said, sounding relieved that I understood. "I mean, we're only twenty years old. Most couples that get married before twenty five never last! And with me being... me, I don't know if I'll be able to make her happy."

He buried his face in his hands, sobbing. I looked at him a long while.

"Prongs." He looked up. "Those couples that break up... it's only because they don't really love each other. If they did, they would take time to work out their problems. But you and Lily... you two are made for each other, man. If there were ever star-crossed lovers, it was you guys. The world would be in a sad state if you and Lily ever broke up. You're going to be a great husband, believe me."

James smiled through his tears. "Thanks, man. And you know what? Whenever you find that "special someone," I'll bet you're gonna be a great husband too."

I stared at him a minute, then dropped my gaze.

"I can't marry anyone."

"What?" James started.

"I can't marry anyone, Prongs!"

"What are talking about?"

"It's illegal for werewolves to marry." I shifted uncomfortably.

James stared at me. "But- How long have you known this?"

I shrugged. "I've always known it."

"You never told me!"

"I just didn't want to worry you about anything. It's not a big deal..."

James gaped at me. "It is too a big deal! You can't tell someone they can't marry just because of something that's not even their fault!"

"There's nothing you can do about it, James!" We sat in silence for awhile. I was plucking the grass from the ground. It was so green, just like Lily's eyes...

"You still love her." James's voice cut through my thoughts. I pretended not to know what he was talking about.

"What do you mean?"

"Lily. You still love her, don't you? You always did." I didn't answer, I just pulled more grass from the ground.

"So that's why," he said softly. "I always wondered why you let me have her... it was because you couldn't, wasn't it?" He waited, watching my face.

"No," I said, "I let you have her because you were the better one."

"What do you mean, 'I was the better one?' Remus, you were like her best friend! She always liked you better, even now she likes you better!"

I smiled sadly. "She might have liked me more than you, but she loved you more than me. Even when she acted like she hated you... I remember how much she talked about you."

James slumped, and nodded. "You're a good friend, Moony," he said quietly. Then we both got up, and walked silently back into his house.

You're still here.
I can see you in my baby's eyes,
and I laugh and cry.

Harry. So much like his father. I remember seeing him for the first time on that train, and knowing exactly who he was, thinking he would be like his father. Then I looked into his eyes, so much like Lily's, and saw her shining through them.

You're still here.
Had a dream last night
That you came to me on silver wings of light.
I flew away with you in the painted sky

The night after the Potter's death, (which I spent in Madam Pomfrey's,) I had a dream about Lily. She was sitting on the end of my hospital bed, crying. A kind of golden light surrounded her, and she had silver wings which shimmered on her back. And I had just watched her, saw how beautiful she was. Finally, she turned to me.

She told me many things that night, most of which I forgot by the morning, but I knew they had been important. The one thing I do remember her saying was to take care of Harry. But had I done that? No!

I slam my fist on the table, the guilt which I had put aside for so many years burning angrily inside me. I knew that I could never have let him live with me, but I still could have checked up on him, made sure he was okay. But I hadn't. The day after their deaths, I had taken the first Knight Bus I could out of there.

Sirius would have done it. Sirius would have helped Harry. But then again, Sirius had always been the winner. He loved to win, and he never did let anyone else, even if it was just a simple chess game.

Except for the night he had died. Even when he was arrested and sent to Azkaban, he had come out more or less untouched. But he had finally lost...

And I woke up wondering what was real
Is it what you see and touch or what you feel

What was real anymore? Every time I look up, I think I see a glimpse of one of them. They're always laughing, as if sharing some joke I'm not a part of. I even see Peter, not as he is now, but as a round faced boy, laughing with the others.

Cause you're still here
Oh you're everywhere we've ever been
You're still here

Molly is now begging me to eat something, but I just wave her away... She starts crying, but I don't care.

I heard you in a stranger's laugh
And I hung around to hear him laugh again
Just once again

I keep hearing someone outside the room laugh... I swear it sounds just like Sirius's bark.

I look at the chess pieces one more time, and see that for once I would have won. I slowly stretch my hand over my bishop, and move it in to block his king in.

I look towards Sirius's chair, imagining him sitting across from me.

"What were you thinking, Sirius? Losing to me? If you hadn't lost to me, you wouldn't have lost to her..." My voice breaks into sobs. For the first time since the Potter's death, I am crying.

Oh...
Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away
Away

I stand up and walk towards the window, looking out. For some reason, I am not surprised to see a stag, a dog, and Lily standing there, a sunbeam coming directly onto them. Lily smiles, as if saying, "Hold on, Remus, it won't be forever until you see us again..."

Then the shadows shift, and they are gone, all except for Padfoot, who stays a second longer, saying to me in my mind...

"You won this time, Moony. But only because I let you."