Thinking For Herself

Trying to tell Pansy that she wanted to resign from the Inquisitorial Squad was harder than Millicent had imagined, and she felt slightly ashamed of herself every time she noticed the silver I on her robes, for it made her feel fraudulent. Just finding a time when she and Pansy were both in the common room and could talk confidentially was tricky, however, as Pansy was often with Draco or out on patrol.

She finally tracked Pansy down in the entrance hall, when Pansy was coming back from the Library. She wasn't carrying too many books; she managed to get all her work done without needing to study in the common room as well. Pansy's revision was going well; like Draco she accepted it as natural that she would get good results. The likes of Pansy, Blaise and Draco didn't have to worry about their grades.

Straightening her shoulders and trying not to slouch, Millicent approached her friend. "Pansy, I've got something important to say."

"Mmm? What do you think of my hair like this? I saw the style in Witch Weekly. I've still got bald spots where those wretched antlers were. I still think it was Granger, you know - she stares at my head and smirks in Potions. I can't wait to repay her."

Millicent started walking alongside her friend. She felt bumbling next to her; Pansy took such dainty little steps. "Pansy, I..."

"Oh, and what did you do to poor Crabbe? He came back in a right state last night. I think he's sweet on you."

"He tried to kiss me," Millicent explained. "Now, I..."

"I say, that was very bold of him. How far did you let him get?"

"He got nowhere! I kneed him in the nuts. Pansy, I..."

Pansy clapped her hands and laughed. "That's so sweet. No wonder he had tears in his eyes. But really, you're not going to get any better than that. You should apologise to him."

"I don't want to be in the Inquisitorial Squad any more," Millicent blurted. "I don't have enough faith in all the new school rules to carry them out. I don't want to abide by some of them myself."

Pansy stopped and looked around the pair of them. There was no one within earshot. "Millie, you moron. Don't you ever say anything like that in a public place again. You don't have to worry about sticking to the rules. You're above them. Do you think Draco and I ask if we can get together with two friends? Of course not. That's the whole reason we're doing this. We don't care what rules she makes, as long as she likes us enough to let us carry on as normal."

She's like my mother, Millicent realised. Privileged Pansy still kowtows to people with more power than her. Just as mother bought her clothes from the same dressmaker as Narcissa Malfoy and her overpriced groceries from Whitfield and Payne like all the pureblood families do, Pansy does what Umbridge wants. "Normal should be normal for everyone," Millicent insisted. "There are rules, and then there's right and wrong. This is wrong."

"You're not going to change it by resigning, though, are you?" Pansy pointed out. "I know you, Brick, and you've never broken a rule in five years. Do you want to give up being in the squad and lose your chance to argue these things with Umbridge? You only change institutions from the inside." Pansy looked at Millicent, who was visibly relenting. Putting on her sweetest smile, she said, "Give it another go, please? If you still hate it at the end of the month, I promise I won't say another word to talk you out of it."

"Oh, okay," Millicent sighed. She knew she wasn't going to change her mind, but hated the thought of disappointing Pansy. Maybe in the meantime she'd be able to let other pupils off minor infractions of the more stupid rules. She hated seeing the near-empty Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor hourglasses in the entrance hall. Slytherin should be able to win the House Cup because it was the best, not because Draco and Pansy kept taking points from the other houses.

**

For a while after that, Millicent felt as though Pansy had put her on probation. Her own dislike of Umbridge's decrees was still there, but as things like fireworks were supposed to be banned in the corridors anyway, most of the time she was simply making students abide by Dumbledore's rules. She'd never had any problem with those. Sometimes she wondered where Dumbledore was, and whether he knew what a mess his school was in. She wished he'd come back and put things right. Defence of the Dark Arts teachers had come and gone over the years without making any huge difference to the school as a whole, but the headmaster seemed to her to be irreplaceable.

She patrolled alone, reciting the poems she'd made up to help her memorise her History, or mulling over Herbology. The only thing she really believed she could pass with maybe an O was Care of Magical Creatures. Adrian's informal Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons, which they'd finally resumed after some awkward apologies and shuffling of feet on both sides, paid off; she'd become adept at breaking other people's spells, which was handy given the continuing mayhem in the corridors. It meant that she didn't have to go running off for help every time she came across a magical mist or corridor drenched in Stinking Solution. Some of the more powerful or complicated spells had to be handled by Umbridge or a sixth- or seventh-year, but Millicent could easily put an end to any simple magical mischief caused by the younger pupils.

Every so often, though, Pansy would be waiting for her around a corner. What is she looking for? Millicent wondered. Does Pansy suspect me of some disloyalty? In a way, Pansy was right to be suspicious. Millicent no longer had faith in the system she, as a member of the Inquisitorial Squad, was supposed to be supporting. She was disloyal - to Umbridge. If only Dumbledore had stayed, she could have followed the school rules with ease.

She mentioned it to Adrian one evening as they were practicing in the empty Charms classroom, finishing with, "...and I'm not even sure I'll be able to watch the last Quidditch match of the year in peace. Pansy's always there."

Adrian stretched his arms and sighed. "I'm only going to talk about it if you don't lose your temper and thump me again."

Millicent blushed. He was never going to let her forget that, was he? "I'm sorry, Adrian. I didn't mean to do that..."

"Oh, hush!" he laughed. He'd been teasing her; she was so easy to wind up. "Let's not start arguing. But I've seen this coming. I told you you were going to have to decide whether or not you want to go along with them. You don't think you've made a decision, but they believe you have."

Millicent felt sad. "I do think I've made a choice, actually. We're already drifting apart. It's partly wanting to leave the Inquisitorial Squad, which I told Pansy I wanted to do, but it's also Vincent."

"Crabbe? What's he done?"

"He, um... made me an offer. I think Draco and Pansy expected me to take it. They didn't expect me to like him, necessarily, just to be his girlfriend anyhow."

Adrian swallowed. How dare an idiot like Vincent Crabbe move in on his girl? Okay, he hadn't actually said anything to Millicent, but the more time he spent with her, the more time he wanted to spend with her. "It's a good offer for a half-blood. Money, status, a name..."

"He wasn't offering status," Millicent growled. "He made it plain he'd be marrying someone else if a pureblood would have him. And I have money and a name of my own; a boy needs to have more than that to impress me."

Adrian moved behind her and took her hand to help her practice a complex wave of her wand. It's now or never, Pucey, he thought. "Would a few NEWTs and the prospect of working for Gringotts impress you?"

Millicent tensed. Things had suddenly gone from a normal study session to something less familiar, but rather more interesting. Everyone in Slytherin had approved of the job offer Adrian had received, although it had come as a shock to more than a few of them; somehow he seemed too dull to work in an adventurous profession like curse breaking. She'd worked out, though, that Adrian might not be so boring away from the confines of Hogwarts. "Mmm," she said, trying to sound casual. "Do you know anyone fitting that description? No one here has NEWTs, of course."

"Prospective NEWTs, then," he whispered in her ear. "Only on offer to the very goodiest of rule-loving goody-two-shoes."

Millicent leaned back into his arms. "When I'm good, I'm very, very good."

**

OWLs could fly away and Pansy could wilt in the sun for all Millicent cared; she had a boyfriend. What's more, she had the proper pureblood boyfriend she'd always been told was beyond her reach - ironic, given that she'd made up her mind that she didn't care if she fell for a half-blood or Muggleborn and was going to follow her heart. She decided not to tell the others. Adrian was naturally quiet, and she didn't fancy hearing all her house or the rest of the school taking the mickey out of him. What if it all got too much and he dumped her?

Professor Snape noticed something different about her when she all but skipped into his office for her career interview. Her scraggy black cat with its broken tail was following her. "Sit, Bulstrode," he snapped. "Have you given any thought to what you will do when you leave Hogwarts? It will affect your choice of NEWTs."

Millicent nodded keenly, savouring the dusty, potion-perfumed air of Snape's office. Usually she disliked the scent of potions, but in her current mood even the dungeon couldn't spoil her mood. She sat down, and Puss curled up at her feet. "At first I thought of being an Auror, but I know my Potions won't be good enough."

Snape scrutinised a sheet of parchment, which showed the results Millicent had got in her exams in all subjects over the previous four years. "You've improved, but no, you're nowhere near the standard I accept for NEWT."

"And I thought of Healing, because I want to help people, but again, my results probably won't be good enough..."

She looks so happy, Snape thought. What could make her so cheerful? "Enough of what you can't do. What do you wish to do that you are able to?"

"I want to work for the Ministry, sir," she announced. "I've worked really hard on all my basics - Charms, Transfiguration and Herbology - and Professor Hagrid says I've a gift for working with interesting creatures. I like the legal aspects of working for the Ministry. I could help make new regulations, or update old ones. The Ministry's too keen to have animals put down, I think. I thought... if there's an apprenticeship in the Department for Care and Control of Magical Creatures I could go there."

Snape set down his parchment. "There's always a vacancy there. Staff in that department get injured or killed at an alarming rate. Have you thought about this? Working there isn't like feeding cats, you know. It's one of the riskier professions."

"Yes sir. Curse-breaking's risky too, and we know we can't live forever. Might as well enjoy it, sir."

"Curse bre- oh." Snape pulled a profoundly disappointed face. "Bulstrode, am I to assume you are, shall we say, involved, with a young man from Slytherin? Because if you are basing all your future plans on him, I do not wish to have to pick up the pieces when your relationship collapses."

Millicent sat up sharply. "I've never asked anyone to pick up anything for me, sir. Not even when my mother died."

The girl's grown teeth, Snape thought approvingly. It's about time. "No, no you haven't. Very well. As you say, it requires those three basics plus an E or more in Care of Magical Creatures, all at NEWT. It's probably a good idea for you not to overload your timetable. Focus on the important subjects."

"I'm not the brightest student you've got, sir," Millicent admitted ruefully.

Snape managed a rare smile. "Thankfully, you are not the dimmest, either. Stick to those four and you should be fine. Close the door on your way out."

She bounced out, leaving Professor Snape to marvel at the change in her. It was amazing how being loved could make people see the good in themselves. He hoped Millicent would not feel the utter misery of being alone and unwanted too soon. He dismissed Bulstrode from his mind and turned his thoughts to the knottier problem of how to persuade a teacher - any teacher - to allow Crabbe and Goyle to take their subject at NEWT level.

Pansy had also noticed a change in Millicent, and didn't know what to make of it. "She's not doing anything different," she told Draco after they'd enjoyed a quick snog behind a tapestry while patrolling the school on the lookout for misbehaving pupils, "But there's something going on."

Draco shrugged. He'd decided the previous term that Millicent was going to be trouble. The horror on her face when she'd learned why his aunt Bellatrix was sent to Azkaban had been warning enough. He liked Millicent; she did everything in the proper way. He just didn't trust her completely; she was soft-hearted. Having known her since childhood, he was dreading having to denounce her to his father for associating with undesirables, which was his private suspicion. He'd guessed there was a Mudblood or blood traitor on the scene somewhere. He didn't want to know what was going on.

Pansy eventually wheedled the secret out of Millicent at the end of a History of Magic lesson. She squealed with delight and whirled Millicent round, almost swinging her through a startled Professor Binns, who was heading off to the staff room for a ghostly cup of tea. "You sly old thing, Millie! It's about time you had a boyfriend."

Millicent was confused. "I thought you'd be mad, because you wanted me to date Vincent."

"Well, he likes you. It's always best to have a boy who likes you. Adrian's rather more clever though - and fairly dishy. And, of course, he's from the right sort of family, which is just perfect."

"What's going on now?" Draco asked, leaving the classroom followed by Crabbe and Goyle, who were both carrying blank parchments, having been unable to find anything in the lesson worth taking notes on.

"Millie's dating Adrian Pucey," Pansy announced with glee.

Vincent Crabbe looked like he was going to be sick, and Millicent felt awful for him. Was this how she had looked whenever Blaise got a new girlfriend? "Pansy, don't shout it out," she begged. Crabbe slumped off down the corridor.

"Great, now he's going to sulk all day," Draco told Pansy. "Don't you have any tact?"

Pansy stuck her tongue out at him. "What was I supposed to do, wait until Millie's pregnant or married to say something?" Millicent nearly choked in shock at the comment.

"Well, congrats," Draco said, holding out his hand to Millicent. The more he thought of it, the more pleased he was. The Puceys weren't a particularly significant family, so Adrian being involved with Millicent wouldn't hurt them, and the fact that Millicent was dating a pureblood came as a relief to him. While Draco knew right from wrong as his father had taught him - it was his moral duty to get rid of Mudbloods, straighten out blood traitors and so on - part of him quailed at the thought of actually doing it. He knew Millicent. She was a person to him. His Aunt Bellatrix would wallop him if he said it to her, but he hated the thought of having to hurt someone he knew and liked.

She shook hands with him, and laughed. "It might not last. It probably won't last."

Draco grinned as he walked off with Crabbe. "Yeah, but you've just won me five Galleons. Blaise bet me that that only a Hufflepuff would have you, and then out of sympathy."

"Blaise is a rotter," Pansy groused to Millicent. "He'd snog a Mudblood if he thought no one would ever find out about it."

Millicent shrugged. She didn't care what Blaise thought of her any more. "C'mon Pansy. I need you to teach me some new hairdos so I can look foxy for my man."