Success and the Squib

Bert had just finished scooping some of Cassius' dust into the sample jar when the ghost returned. Neither he nor Willy especially liked handling the remains, but Bert reasoned that he'd been able to move Cassius' body when he discovered it newly dead and bloody, so he could move his dust and bones.

"How does it feel to be looking at your skeleton?" Cassandra asked Cassius, as he stared into the hole.

He shrugged transparent shoulders. "It was weird being dead and seeing my body... I only came to when they got me here, I never realised you could be dead and unconscious. But bones are just bones. Anyway, Ethelina..."

The party's full attention was turned on him. "She's being held - sort of - in a room in the east wing. On the happy side, that's this side of the house and most of the family rooms are in the west, so there's less chance of anyone hearing you. On the down side, while the door's not locked, I think you'll have trouble getting her out."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bert asked. Were they accidentally messing up a plan his sister hadn't told them about? But then why send the snake? Or had Rose been right, and he'd dragged everyone here on a wild goose chase because a snake was annoyed at him poking it with a stick?

"Don't shoot the messenger," Cass admonished. Then laughed. "It'd only go straight through."

Rose looked thoughtful. "Cassius, could you take Bert up there alone? It'll make less noise if only one person goes, and you can come to get us if there's any trouble."

"What good will that do?" Cassius asked.

"Just you wait and see," Rose replied.

********

The hallway was dimly lit. Cassius motioned to Bert to creep along below the level of the pictures. He distracted the sitters by talking to them. They were so busy trying to avoid Cassius, the shame of their family, that they didn't actually notice Bert. It would be more or less inevitable that he would be spotted on the stairs, but they'd just have to hope and, when the alarm was raised, run for it.

A well-painted buxom 15th-century beauty, proud of her expensive clothes, tutted at him as he drifted past. Cassius smiled at her. "And how nice to see you too, Alison. Why, I was looking at your effigy only a few minutes ago, and I thought, how can that withered old woman be Alison..."

"Shut up! Shut up, horrible child!"

"I mean, your husband ran off and left you for a Crabbe, and then there was that horrible accident..."

"Be quiet!"

Another painting, one of a sleepy old gent, butted in. "Wha... what's going on? Oh, it's you. Trouble. Always said you'd be nothing but trouble."

"Arthur!" Cassius sounded delighted, especially as the people from portraits all round the house were coming down into the pictures here to see the arguments between Alison, Arthur and the ghost. While the two-dimensional sentries were all watching the insults fly, Bert took the opportunity to dart into the main entrance hall and all the way up the stairs. "I suppose I am troublesome, but then when all your good blood turns up a Squib..."

"Wasn't de Lacey blood!" Arthur protested.

"I'm descended from you, you know."

"Must have been from one of the women. Benedict, your wife was a right trollop. I bet she had a few flings." The other painted people looked astonished.

Benedict's wife squealed with indignation and belted Arthur into the neighbouring landscape. A hefty Victorian lady, she had a mean right hook. "I am a WIGLEY," she announced, "and did your family a favour by agreeing to join it. The de Laceys haven't managed to achieve much in the way of distinction of late."

The resulting brawl at this insult meant Cassius was able to float upstairs to join Bert, who, despite the seriousness of the occasion, had to struggle to keep himself from laughing out loud. The sounds of slaps and punches could be heard even from the first-floor landing. Every portrait in the house, it seemed, was dishing out a few blows. Cassius frowned. "It's okay for you. You're not related to that sorry bunch," he sniffed.

The door to the room Ethelina was in was closed, but not locked. Bert entered quickly. Ethelina looked at him from the chair she was sitting in. "Oh, hello Bert," she said. "Didn't expect to see you here. And hello Cassius." She was dressed in a very garish set of pink silk robes decorated with embroidered flowers, and had her hair loose.

"You were supposed to come back," Bert told her. "Did you send a snake to me? I was worried."

"Yes! Yes, I did send a snake. I wanted you to come and get me. But it's all right now... It is all right now..."

Ethelina looked very confused and blinked a bit, then picked up a brush and started on her hair. "Got to look pretty!" she smiled. "Go on, you head home. No need to worry. It's all right now."

"She's cracked," Bert told Cassius.

"She's being controlled," Cassius replied. "But whoever's doing it clearly has no talent for it. Hey, Eth, why do you have to look pretty?"

"Meeting someone..."

"Who?" Bert asked. "And why?"

"He's... he's a very suitable wizard and I'm glad of the opportunity given that I'm one-eighth Muggle..."

"I thought you said love was for fools," Bert pointed out. "Remember? After you were bridesmaid? You said you were never doing it. Never getting involved with anyone."

"He's a very suitable wizard and I'm very glad..." Ethelina started to shake her head violently, and some of her old spark came back into her eyes. She looked less and less confused as she shook her head, as though she were rattling a spell out of her ears.

Finally, she lay back on the bed, rubbing her eyes. "What sodding planet am I on? I don't believe it - caught by an Unforgivable. My old Defence teachers would have my head on a stick for not being more careful...

"Are you... you?" Bert asked. He remembered the bad old days, when Unforgivable curses were rife.

"I very nearly wasn't. If they'd asked me to do something I'm actually prepared to do, you might never have realised what was going on." Ethelina shuddered as she realised she could have spent the next decade at her firm, quietly preparing deadly poisons without a thought. Ethelina loathed the thought of romance, and that and the caster's incompetence had saved her. A more powerful wizard could make people do unspeakable things, even force good people to commit murder.

She threw the brush straight through Cassius. "Oi," he said, "that's not polite." Ethelina ignored him and rummaged through the chest of drawers.

"They've taken my hiking gear!" she exclaimed. "And my wand. Well, make yourselves useful, find me something more sensible to wear."

"There won't be anything," Cassius told her. "Anything other than robes gets slung on the fire in this house. As for your wand... do you really need it back?"

She looked at him. "Matter of life or death?"

"Matter of mind or no mind. Which eligible bachelor were they lining you up for?"

Ethelina shuddered. "Don't ask! My wand's not worth risking that for. I'll buy a new one, and if it's useless, so be it! I don't want to spend the rest of my ensuring the survival of the Goyle family name."

"Let's go," Bert said. We might be able to get out without anyone spotting us."

"Too right," Eth replied.

Unfortunately, most of the portrait sitters had returned to their frames to nurse their bumps and bruises in gloomy silence. No sooner had Bert and Ethelina left the room than there was an almighty hubbub from a hatchet-faced couple and their two vinegary-looking sons. "Intruders! Intruders in the house!" The Hawleys had no option but to run for it.

As they reached the bottom of the stairs, three people rushed out of a side door, firing curses and hexes that Bert and Eth had to duck and twist to avoid. They tipped over and hid behind a heavy yew table that was probably as old as the house. Bert doubted whether even a skilled Charmer would be able to Reparo it afterwards. Cassius streamed towards his relatives shouting insults, but achieving little of use.

"I'm sorry, Bert," Ethelina said. "I've really mucked things up. I haven't even got my wand, much less any evidence of Dark Magic."

"You can tell the Department of Magical Law Enforcement about that Imperius spell," Bert said, as another hex drifted overhead and the de Laceys came for them. "Assuming you're not all loved-up with Ghoul..."

"Goyle."

"...Goyle by then."

Ethelina started giggling. "I never thought we'd end up like this! All the promises we made as kids, and we'll end up being buried beneath the chapel floor here."

"It's not funny," Bert told her, grabbing a copper pot that had rolled from the toppled table and trying to use it to reflect hexes back at their attackers. A few squeals told him he'd had some luck - and one returned spell missed its sender and set a portrait on fire, which Bert decided served the paintings right for alerting the family. Ethelina screwed up her face in concentration and tried some wandless magic, but without being able to see her targets, her spells weren't especially effective.

Suddenly, with a loud crash the chapel door flew open and the other herb gatherers came rushing in behind the de Laceys. "You're already ancient; this shouldn't make much difference," said Rose, grabbing one by the arm. The de Lacey woman's wrinkles deepened, her gums receded, teeth and hair dropped to the floor. It was one of the most grotesque things Bert had ever seen, but he was grateful for it. By the time Rose let go of the woman, she was so aged and withered, she could scarcely raise her wand, much less cast powerful spells.

Willy and Cassandra, meanwhile, were holding nets of poison ivy in dragonhide-gloved hands, and attacked the other two de Laceys with them. Their skin began to blister immediately, and the wizard and witch started shrieking, dropping their wands in their haste to tear away the plants.

Bert grabbed Ethelina by the hand and everyone charged for the exit. They slammed the door behind them and Perkins did something strange to it. "Heavy locked. I did the front door earlier while Cassandra and Willy gathered the poison ivy," he explained as Cassius floated through. "It won't hold long, but it will slow them all down."

With Cassius lighting the way ahead, the six of them ran as far and as fast as they could to get off of the estate and into the nearest Muggle settlement. It took about half an hour for them to reach anywhere suitable; Bert decided the de Laceys must have stopped to treat the poison ivy blisters rather than follow the team immediately. There were some holiday cottages on the road in Lacey Magna; Ethelina made Perkins open the door to one. "It's got to be number six," she explained. "It's joined to the Floo Network."

Inside the tatty little cottage they all heaved for breath. "It's a good job they were so old," Willy gasped. "Where was the rest of your family, Cassius? I don't think we could have beaten the younger ones."

Ethelina knew. "His parents are at the opera, and Crispin decided to take his wife and kids to visit his in-laws - a snap decision that he made as soon as I turned up. He always had a talent for avoiding trouble," she told them. "Lucky for us. Got some Floo powder, Willy?"

Willy handed over a small sachet of powder from his pocket as Ethelina used her wand to light a fire in the fireplace. He seemed to have a good stock of emergency supplies - clearly ingredient-gathering was riskier than Bert had supposed.

Ethelina stuck her head into the fire to ask someone to fetch Tonks, and then sat back. A few minutes later, with a quick pop Nymphadora appeared in the flames. "Evening all!" she said, surveying the group. "I hear you're in need of an Auror."

Ethelina slumped. "Oh Tonks, I was rubbish. I got caught, they stole my wand and Bert had to come and rescue me. I don't even have any evidence. We've blown the mission."

Tonks scrutinised her friend. "Yeah, and they stuck you in the robe from hell to boot. I ought to take you in for wearing something that offensive - please tell me no Muggles have seen it."

Cassius slid forwards. "They've got all the evidence they need. I'm Cassius de Lacey."

"You were at the St. Jude's massacre?"

"I was, and I can testify. In fact, I can tell you everything they've done for years."

Tonks grinned. "You bunch of marvels! You've done it. You've bloody well done it."

---------------------------

The celebration dinner at The Herbalist was a marvel of taste, colour and - true to Bert's promise to Rose - aroma. Tonks had been a little startled to be asked for her autograph on the way in, with the star-struck signature seeker clearly mistaking her for a musician of some sort, but soon forgot about it in the comfort of the private dining room. There was Bert and Ethelina, the team of pickers, Cassius (whose jar was put well away from the salt and pepper), Kingsley Shacklebolt and Tonks and a new face, Mrs. Johnson, Honey's mother.

"You know, Cassius," Mrs Johnson said, "I don't know that I've ever heard of a ghost laying down and resting. You might be stuck wherever we put you."

"I don't mind," he said. "Eternity in a graveyard has to be better than eternity at Magna Hall."

"Especially as you'd be pretty lonely there now," Tonks grinned. "Well, you'd have your brother and his wife and kids, but your aunts and granddad are in Azkaban."

"Poor old Granddad," said Cassius, with feeling. "At least he got a shorter sentence."

Willy shook his head. "I can't believe your own aunt helped kill you. It was your granddad that didn't kill us, all because we were all pureblood. He thought Squib or not, pureblood counted for something."

"He was crazy," Rose said.

"Sure was," Mrs. Johnson agreed. "I just wish he'd tell us who else was involved." She frowned.

"Scared your curse won't find them?" Bert asked.

"Oh, it'll find them. It'll just take a bit longer. My Honey never hurt anyone - like a sunbeam, she was." She looked sad. "Losing her made my days a lot darker. I know you tried to comfort her, Cassius, and thank you. If you can't move on, for as long as you're earthbound you're welcome to join the Johnsons. Reckon you'd have joined us if Honey'd lived anyway..."

Everyone looked sorrowful for a bit, then Mrs. Johnson said, "Don't look gloomy. We've all been gloomy long enough. This is the start of success."

Bert raised his glass. "To success!"

Everyone began talking among themselves: Tonks to Ethelina; Perkins to Rose; even Willy to Kingsley. Bert supposed they had at least one thing in common...

Who knows, thought Bert, maybe there is a place for me in wizarding society after all. Maybe there are wizards who care for Squibs and part-humans. He looked across the table at Tonks, earnestly in conversation with Ethelina, knocking over the candlestick with a stray elbow. Wizarding society still had some attractions after all.