Job Swap

Job Swap: Dumbledore to Head Fed; Greenspan Goes to Hogwarts

--Special to the Times--New York--

Today, Alan Greenspan announced that he will be stepping down from the post of Chairman of the Board of Governors of the United States Federal Reserve effective the first of next month, and his replacement will be none other than Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore currently serves as the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland. It was further announced by the Ministry of Magic, London, that Mr. Greenspan will assume Mr. Dumbledore's former position.

In an interview this afternoon, Mr. Greenspan admitted, "This whole job swap came up as a bit of a joke at a cocktail party at Number 10 Downing Street a couple of months back. I never really thought much about it until an owl somehow managed to fly into my office in New York with a letter from [Dumbledore]. That was about three weeks ago, and it's all gone from there."

Mr. Dumbledore, whose academic credentials include the Order of Merlin and the post of Supreme Mugwump, is best known for his enigmatic shepherding of young hero Harry Potter through seven years of magical crusades against dark forces. A formal interview with Mr. Dumbledore was not possible in time for this publication, due to the Times' lack of fireplaces in our Manhattan offices. However, Mr. Dumbledore noted in an Owl Post message that he "much looks forward to becoming a New Yorkite."

Members of the financial and magical communities have both reacted positively to the news. "You have to admit," says a Wall Street CEO enthusiastically, "that the economy certainly could use a little magic right now, and Dumbledore already has that 'talking cryptically' thing down pat." Another member of the Board of Governors raved, "My son has talked about Dumbledore for years, ever since those books and movies started coming out. Some kind of philosopher, he says Dumbledore is--'to a well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.'" The son, who identifies himself in his IM Buddy Profile as "a suicidal neo-Goth," was unavailable for comment. Magical sources commented positively on Mr. Dumbledore's legendary calm under stress and his past history of saving the world.

Sources within the Federal Reserve spoke on Mr. Dumbledore's visit last month. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone with a beard like that, at least outside of the movies and freak shows," said one staff member on condition of anonymity. Mr. Dumbledore was quite impressed with the computer and display systems used to monitor economic activity; said the staff member, "he kept asking if we used an Illuminio spell first, or a combination of Inversia and Rapitito to make the numbers flash. We had to stop him from disassembling a projection system, too." Reportedly, Mr. Dumbledore also expressed concern about the lack of perch space for his pet phoenix, Fawkes, who did not accompany Mr. Dumbledore on the trip due to a scheduled molting.

Mr. Greenspan's extensive background in academia and administration, Ministry of Magic sources reveal, made him an excellent choice for the post of Headmaster even though Mr. Greenspan's own formal magic skills are untrained. "He's been working his own special kind of magic for a couple decades now," commented an aide to a senior ministry official. "We're hoping that he can teach some of those skills to our students. The Ministry looks upon Mr. Greenspan as an invaluable asset to the Hogwarts faculty and the magical community in general." Though Mr. Greenspan had not been on the shortlist of candidates under consideration for the post, when Mr. Dumbledore suggested the swap deal as part of his own retirement package, Ministry officials and the school Board of Governors readily consented.

Approbation for the exchange is less than unanimous. A Fed member griped, "Frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is. We're just exchanging one fusty old curmudgeon for another." This sentiment was echoed by several dissatisfied Hogwarts Governors. "We need change here," one said. "It's time to get some good new blood in here and fix this place right." Senior staff in both institutions are also uncomfortable with the exchange, but are working to coordinate the transitions. Despite the internal dissent, though, both Boards of Governors have publicly expressed nothing but praise and support for the exchange.

In a candid interview today, Mr. Greenspan said he is ready to take up his new post. "I'm looking forward to wearing a robe to work every day instead of a suit," he admitted. "Ties get so itchy around your neck that after a couple decades, you actually develop a callous there." Mr. Greenspan also confides that he expects to grow a beard shortly after his relocation to Scotland and Hogwarts Castle. "They tell me my electric razor won't work there because of all of the magic in the area. I haven't used a regular razor in years, and I'd look like someone took a Slashing Hex [a dangerous magic which results in multiple deep cuts] to my face every morning. It'll be years before it gets like Albus's though," he adds, "but I'm not sure I'd want one that long as it would get in my food a lot."

Mr. Greenspan spoke positively about his plans for Hogwarts, including offering Magiconomics courses there for the first time in the school's thousand-year history. However, he was less positive about the state of magical education in Europe. "Essentially," said Mr. Greenspan, "the market for magical education faces a number of challenges to becoming an economically viable sector of the economy. First, it's heavily regulated by the Ministry of Magic, and we all know what government regulation does to an industry. Second, it's an oligopolistic sector: three major schools in all of Europe. The market for magical education just simply isn't clearing: given the statistics, the excess demand must be phenomenal."

When asked about the rumors that his fantastic management of the economy was due to hitherto unrevealed Divination skills, Mr. Greenspan declined to comment, saying only, "The critical indicators are ambivalent."