Touch From Your Lust

Imagine me taught by tragedy,

Release is peace,

I heard a little girl,

And what she said,

Was something beautiful,

To give...your love,

No matter what.

Red Hot Chili Peppers 'My Friends'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The night began as any other, us, in the sitting room of 12 Grimmauld Place, drowning our respective sorrows in deep glasses of blood-red wine. The world is too, too hard for people like he and I. The moon, waxing fat, mocking us outside the window. Telling us that tomorrow there would be no relief through great splashes of wine that intoxicate us, stain our lips cherry-red, and most of all, help us to forget. Yes, the night started like any other since we, he and I, found one another in the darkest places of the world, and he saved me...

*~*~*~*

The night was dark. Aren't they all when bad things happen? The sky was clear, and a field of sparkling diamonds sprayed across it carelessly, filling me with a reckless abandon that almost cost me my life. I was twenty-two, and had not long graduated from the High-Auror Academy, the youngest in four decades. Of course, by the time I had graduated, there was very little to fight, aside from whatever monsters lay in our minds, coming out to play in the moonlight hours. The darkness of the second coming of Voldemort was gone, and only a grey mist of his memory remained. But that memory was enough to make the world a dangerous place still. Not dangerous in that there was an immediate threat, but dangerous in that there was a new world order, something never seen before, and everyone, evil or not, had to live in tumultuous times of whispers and rumours and never anything in the black and white of the past. People struggled with their own minds, regrets, losses, memories played through them as if on repeat, and it was because I couldn't handle my own mind that I ended up how I am now. An empty shell, with only one chance of salvation, which seems intent on ignoring the fact that he needs me as much as I need him. But I digress.

On this not-so-very-strange night, my mind and the secrets that it holds would not, no matter how hard I tried, subside into the place that I had separated for them. So I walked. I walked, until I was far from my home in Hogsmeade, and close, much too close, to the forest at Hogwarts. I blame no one but myself for the events of that night, though sometimes that seems harder than the other options. I was stupid. There, I've said it. I knew the risks. I knew what was in that forest, how many times had I been in there? But still I went in, and never has my life been the same. The forest was, for whatever else, beautiful, and on that night moonlight shining on leaves, and glowing fungi lit my way as I followed where my feet would take me. How did I not notice that the world was being waited upon by the full, round, pale satellite, which we call the moon? I told you, my mind was caught up in other things, other times, other places, when a red head and a bespectacled boy were my best friends. Times when they weren't as cold as the earth that lay above them. I didn't notice that the moon was full, my fault, my disaster, my destiny...it doesn't matter anymore. I walked deep into the forest, deeper than I had been before, led by my feet, the moon, and memories that haunted the night. It was when I sat on a log, in a large clearing that things began to turn darker than I had expected. The quiet of the night was broken by a growl, a growl that could freeze a giant in his tracks, stop the world from turning, frighten any Gryffindor qualities that I had left, out into the open. I leapt up, for I knew then with a jolt of horrifying recognition, in my heart, that I had heard a growl like that before, years before, on a night not unlike this one. A night of the full moon, and revelations that would change my world. And then I saw it, just as I knew I would, and could do nothing but stare at it, and will it to leave, to turn away, to find some other prey. It didn't, just as I knew it wouldn't, and before I could gather myself to run, to grab my wand, to do anything, it was there, on top of me, teeth tearing the soft flesh of my neck. I screamed, as the world shattered into a million beautiful pieces, and prepared to die, for that was the only end to the situation. But then, something, I knew not what then, pushed the beast from me, with more growling, and swiping of giant clawed paws. And then my world went blank.

I didn't wake until sunlight streamed through the canopy of the trees above me, and to be honest, I wished I was dead. Pain, greater than any I had ever known assaulted my senses, all of them. It was after the initial shock of pain that I realised that I wasn't alone, beside me, sheltering my body with his, was someone that I hadn't seen in many years. Remus Lupin. Had he saved me then? Or...or was it him? Somehow, I knew that the latter wasn't true. It had been he that saved me then. What implications would this have upon me? Was I a werewolf now? Whilst the multitude of currently unanswerable questions ran through my mind he seemed to have opened his eyes, and was looking upon me with what seemed like...pity? Sorrow? Guilt? I gave him a small smile, and he shook his head. His husky voice broke through the morning noises.

"We have to get you to the infirmary".

"Professor, I'm not...I'm not...am I?" Childlike whispering seemed to make me feel safe in a world that would soon despise me.

"I can't answer that." He stood up, shakily beside me, weakness emanated from him, but also an aura of kindness. Yes, this was still the man that I knew years ago, despite the hollowness in his eyes. He offered me a hand, and though the pain was now worse, I stood, and somehow made it to the school I lived at for seven years, collapsing into the safety of Madam Pomfrey's bustling and matronly care. Sleeping potions and painkilling draughts lulled me into slumbers filled with screaming, and the deaths of all I knew at my hand.

I awoke, days later, and my rational mind from the day after the night seemed to have fled me...leaving in it's wake the irrational, scared, tortured creature that appears when humans are cornered between two decisions...life, or death, and the former is less appealing. For I was a werewolf. From snippets of conversation that I heard through my denial and hollow screams, I garnered that the antidote that was being tested all those years ago had long term side effects...uncontrollable madness. That I was, and would forever be, shunned, hated, left to my own devices, marked with the tattoo of the werewolf, so that I could never pretend to be something that I wasn't, or wasn't something that I am. The little crescent moon marked my hip like black poison...like death, and I knew then that life would never be the same. Weeks later I awoke fully, within my mind that is, I had been going through all the motions of life, to find myself in the dark rooms of 12 Grimmauld Place. It was then that I let my tears flow freely, to escape the confines of my stubborn mind and to release me of the lethargy that came upon me. Remus was there for me, through all of it. He brought me to Grimmauld Place, he was going to live with me, make sure I was alright, make sure that my madness passed, make sure that I did cry, and get on with the life that I was now destined to live. He did all of that. He dragged me from the darkness of the hell that was my self enforced exile. He dried my tears, he fed me my wolfsbane. He cared for me, and I gave nothing in return. I didn't give him a thought. Until one night, not so long ago when I stumbled across his secret, and joined with him in forgetting all the past, and all the future...for what future was there for us?

*~*~*~*

He was sitting by the window in the kitchen of the manor, staring into nothingness, glass of wine in his hand, tears making glistening tracks down his cheeks. He looked beautiful. And I knew then that I loved this man. I loved this strong, wonderful man who had devoted his cursed life to helping others. I loved him because he was as I was. I loved him for who he was. I just loved him. I walked over to him, kneeled in front of him, and wiped away his tears, as he had done so many times for me. I gave him a small smile, the only sort of smile I seemed capable of those days, and whispered into his ear,"You're supposed to be the strong one, Remus." It wasn't an insult, or a provocation, it was the truth.

He nodded, and whispered back

"But even the strongest of us are weak sometimes, Hermione. If we weren't, we'd never survive."

"I know, Remus. If you want to cry, if you want to yell and scream about the unfairness of it all, I'm here, and I'll listen." I replied. He smiled then, a smile of gratitude, a smile of complete understanding. He gave me the glass that was half-full of wine.

"You know, you'll find that this numbs it all. This takes away all of the pain, even if it's just for a little while. It helps you to forget." His voice was husky with unshed tears. I nodded, and put the glass to my lips, tipping it so that a dribble of the sweet liquid entered my mouth. We sat there then, and drank wine from the same glass, thinking private thoughts and hoping private hopes. We fell asleep with the dawn, on the threadbare sofa, entwined in each others arms. Finding comfort in the familiar. And so it was, every night, drinking the red, red wine, and falling asleep in each others arms as the sun rose to the east. I've never forgotten that night of revelation, when I realised that I loved him with everything I had. Granted, it wasn't much but it was everything to me. And so, we come to the night when revelation turned into actualisation and recognition, at least on my part. I'm not sure about him yet. As I said before, the night started as any other...

"Remus, do you ever think of the future." I asked. Perhaps the wine had gone straight to my head, or perhaps it was the effect of the moon hanging outside the window, staring at me, and telling me its secrets.

"What future?"

"You know. Years from now, when I'm an all-grown-up werewolf and you don't have to look after me anymore."

"I don't think I have to look after you now. You're very capable, Hermione."

"Capable? You need to be here for me, Remus. I need you."

"What?"

"I need you."

"Why on earth would you need someone like me, Hermione. No one needs me. Everyone I love, everyone I get close to dies, or turns to evil. I'm cursed and that's all. None of this you-needing-me nonsense. It's my fault that you are what you are."

"Re - ,"

"If I had have gotten there sooner, you... you... you wouldn't be like me."

"That's not true!" I retorted hotly at first, "Listen to me Remus Lupin, you saved my life! You saved me..." I sobbed then, my voice cracking uncontrollably. And tears sprang to my eyes, but I would not let them fall.

"Don't you understand? The world, when I got bitten, it all faded and then smashed into tiny little pieces, it was like a kaleidoscope, but I knew that I was going to die. Then just as I was letting go, you came along, and you saved me. You saved my life. I don't care that I'm a werewolf. I don't care about the past anymore. I just want to live Remus. I'm sick of sitting here every night, drinking myself into oblivion, just so I can't remember. That time's over now. I want to remember. Don't you? Don't you want to remember Remus?"

His eyes were bright, with alcohol and tears, "I can't anymore."

"You can, Remus. You know you can. I'll help you remember." It was then that I did it - either the stupidest or most wonderful thing I've ever done in my life. I kissed him. I kissed him, and into the kiss I put every feeling I'd ever felt. All of the happiness and grief, and joy and indescribable pain. Into the kiss I put all of the love I had. All of my soul. And he kissed me back...and I knew that he was putting all of his feelings into it too. We needed each other he and I, right at that moment. The kiss, it was amazing, and my body, it responded, it wanted more, it wanted all it could get from this man that was all I was.

"Remus. I told you before that I needed you. I want you too. I want to have you inside me. I want to feel you. I want to be you." I said into his hair, inhaling the scent of it, for I never wanted to forget. The only reply I got was a moan. His lips, they were perfect, his eyes, half-lidded and beautiful, his body was like putty beneath my hands, the feel of his body against mine was wonderful, everything I dreamt it would be. His hands played my body with touches and kisses, and nips and licks, and his fingers ran over the tattoo that marked me for what I was. I heard a sharp intake of breath from him as he entered me, and we became everything that we needed. One. We danced, he and I. The most amazing dance, beautiful, graceful, I never wanted to stop, to let go. But I did, and the world came crashing down around me, and my awareness extended only to Remus' harsh breathing, the sweat that shined on our bodies, and his prayer-like cry of my name as he joined me in ecstasy, we were angels then, and you can't tell me that what we had wasn't holy.

Hours passed, maybe. And we lay tangled together on the carpet, his body was soft and warm, and I'd never felt so content in my life. The rest of the night seems a haze of sleeping, and embracing and kissing, like tomorrow would never come, like all we had was the night to live the dream life. It was just as the sun was peeking over the horizon, and tinging the world pink that he moved. He moved, kissed my forehead tenderly and whispered in my ear "Don't forget, get the moonlight out of your hair" - I still don't know what he meant. He left then, and in my sleepy haze, I thought he'd come back, I thought that he would want me now, like I still wanted him. I was wrong. He never did come back.

The full moon passed, and the next, and the one after that, and here I sit, writing my story down. I don't know where he went, the man that saved me from death, in every way possible. I sit here and wait for him, looking through the greasy front windows of Grimmauld Place, and sometimes I catch sight of a head of golden hair, and then realise that there's not enough silver in it for it to be my Remus. The wolf inside me misses her Moony, and the round moon has been howled at many a time, a demanding howl - she wants to know where her Moony is. I want to know too. Maybe he went back to Hogwarts, from the life I pulled him from on that full moon years ago. Maybe he's talking to Dumbledore at this very moment, and Dumbledore will tell him to follow his heart, and following his heart will lead him here, to me. That's my hope anyway. And so, I'm finished my story, until he comes back that is, and he can explain to me what he feels and whether he wants to remember, I do now, I remember. My denial, and despair shattered with the wineglass on that night, and I've never looked back. And so I'll wait for him, and I'll wait, and wait, and maybe one day when I get the moonlight out of my hair, he'll come back to me. To his Hermione.