Silent Tears

Silent Tears

Chapter 1: Remus' POV

No...

Please...

Anytime but now...

I couldn't help it. I began to shake, my body reacting to the imminent transformation.

'Oh my-. He didn't take his Potion tonight! He's not safe!'

'Run. Run! Now!'

The voices were barely reaching me. It felt like I was in a nightmare, and nothing could touch me, nothing could save me now.

'Leave it to me - RUN!'

I felt my body changing, my head lengthening, the hair growing too fast to be natural. My last human thought before I transformed was:

Don't let them get Sirius... please.

I awoke to the sound of quiet muttering, from a voice near me. Waking up further, I realised that the owner of the voice was bustling about near my bed...

Wait. Bed?

I sat up in the bed with a jerk. Looking frantically around, I realised that I was in the hospital wing. From the light coming in from the windows, I guessed that it must be mid-morning. I tried to remember what had happened... I had transformed, I knew that much, when I was supposed to be guarding Peter... Sirius had yelled at Harry, Ron and Hermione to run...

Oh, Merlin. Sirius.

Ignoring all my wounds from the previous night, still not completely healed, I got out of bed as fast as I could, desperate to find out what had happened to him-

'No, no, you need your rest, Mr Lupin. Back into bed.'

Firm hands pushed me back onto the mattress, and I looked up into the face of Madam Pomfrey. My body welcomed the softness, wanting to rest some more... but my mind and my heart refused to do so. Rebelling, I pushed Madam Pomfrey's hands away as politely as I could.

'Forgive me, but I have to go and find Dumbledore.'

I need to know what happened... Sirius...

'No, you can see him later. Right now, you need your rest.'

'But-'

'No buts, now back into bed with you.'

Reluctantly, I got back into the hospital bed. Madam Pomfrey pulled the blanket over me, and my body began to succumb to the need for rest. Refusing to give in, I began plotting my escape.

Suddenly, the door to the hopsital wing swung open, and I turned my head to see Severus striding through the room, a small smirk on his face, heading directly for me. He reached my bedside in a few seconds, the smirk still in place.

'Is there a problem, Severus?' My voice was tired - he was not the person I wanted to see, not now.

'Ah, yes, I'm afraid there is. You see, I was so shocked by the events of last night that I-' he coughed -'accidentally told Mr Malfoy your little... secret.'

I was not as shocked as I think he would have liked. I knew that Severus was still smarting from my refusal, although it had been many years now since he had asked me to go out with him, and I knew that he would have taken revenge on me sooner or later. Truth be told, I was almost glad that he had told the students my 'secret' - now I could return home, with nothing to distract me from my thoughts.

Sirius...

'Alright, Severus. Now, if you don't mind, I'd be happy if you would leave, so that I may go and pack.'

As I had guessed, the smirk disappeared, to be replaced by a look of confusion.

'But - surely you wish to try and persuade them to let you stay.'

'No, Severus, I am not blind or fanciful enough to hope that there will not be an outcry once parents learn of my lycanthropy, and I wish to trouble them no more by attempting to persuade them to let me stay. Now, if you'll excuse me-'

I got up out of the bed, still only dressed in a hospital robe, and walked out of the wing with as much dignity as a tired werewolf can muster. Once outside, I suddenly became very aware of my clothing - or lack of such - and quickly went to my chambers, changing into a simple, shabby set of robes - the only sort I had. That taken care of, I began packing, not caring that I wasn't bothering to fold the clothes or place everything neatly. Eventually, I couldn't take it any more, and I sunk to my knees, my face buried in the pile of clothes, silent tears streaming down my face.

Please say he's okay... please, please, let him be alive...

I heard a knock on my office door. Lifting my head up, I recognised the figure of Albus Dumbledore. Not bothering to stand up, or try to wipe away the tears, I asked him why he was here.

'I presumed you'd want news of all the events of last night.'

I turned around so fast that I had to grab onto the desk to keep myself from falling face down onto the floor. Shakily, still holding onto the desk for support, I stood up, although it felt like my legs were no longer able to support my weight.

'Yes!' My voice cracked, but I didn't care. 'I- do you want to sit down, Albus?' I remembered my manners, slowly coming to my senses again.

'No - but I think it would be best if you did.'

Trying not to plead with him for news, I nodded my head slowly, and moved to a chair. Before I sat down, the headmaster spoke.

'He's alive.'

My knees gave way with relief. I fell into the chair, leaning my head back for a moment to let this sink in.

'Before I tell you all that happened, I think that you ought to know that the whole school now knows of your lycnathropy.'

'I know.' I gestured to the suitcase vaguely, the news of Sirius' escape still sinking in.

'Ah. I take this as a sign that you are resigning?'

'Yes. I'm sorry that it's at such short notice, but you and I both know that there is no way that I can stay, not now.' I was looking down at the floor, trying not to cry at losing the one job I'd actually had for longer than two months. 'I can't risk doing that again - I'm not safe.' I raised my head up to look him in the eyes.

For a moment, the headmaster looked as if he was about to say something, but then he seemed to change his mind.

'Very well. Shall I tell you about last night then?' I nodded. He shut the door, and proceeded to tell me all, including how Harry and Hermione had saved Sirius from the Kiss - I shuddered to think of what would have happened had he not escaped. Eventually, Albus had finished talking, and I realised that he had got up to leave. Looking up at him from my position on the chair, my cheeks stained with fresh tears from hearing the story, I saw him nod once at me, and then walk out of the door, closing it behind him. I leant back in the chair, unable to do anything but think over last night.

Harry really is his father's son, I mused. What he did last night - it's exactly what James would have done, and what not many others would have dared to do. Saving Sirius...

Here my thoughts took a different turn. I remembered seeing Sirius last night, and I wondered at how much he'd changed. We'd all changed - I, Sirius, and even Peter (I growled, even thinking his name), but it both amazed and shocked me what a change Sirius had been through during his time in Azkaban. I didn't want to think of everything he must have suffered within those terrible walls. My mind went back, remembering what Sirius had been like before we were swept up in the War. I remembered his devilish grin, the pleading, teasing look in his eyes every time he tried to convince me to join in a prank: 'But we need you, Moony...'. Oh, how many times I'd wished that he'd say, just once, 'I need you.' But, like the introverted, shy person I am, I was too cowardly to tell him how I really felt - how I said yes to the pranks not because I disliked Snape, but just so I could see the triumphant look in his eyes, with the matching grin, whenever a prank was successful. Not for the first time, I regretted not admitting my feelings. Now, I knew that it was no use - Sirius was now in hiding, on the run, and there was no way I could find him. I sighed, leaning back in my chair.

Oh, Padfoot...

Not much later, after a brief conversation with Harry, I arrived home. I carried my suitcase into the living room, where I immediately collapsed into an armchair. I relaxed for a few moments, letting the relief wash over me once more. My body complaining, I got up out of the chair, ready to make a cup of tea - I really felt I needed one. In doing so, I caught a glimpse of parchment on the coffee table. Curious - I knew I hadn't put it there - I picked it up. It was a simple piece of parchment, folded over once. Opening it, I discovered that it was a letter, addressed to me. My curiosity now taking over, I lowered myself back down into the armchair, beginning to read.

Moony,

I know that you probably want to be left alone right now, after all that's happened, and I don't blame you - but I needed to write you this letter, to tell you how I feel - I can't stand this any more.

I remember when I told Snape about you being a werewolf, and how angry you'd been with me then. I remember feeling so lost, so alone, when you brushed off every attempt I made to speak to you. I didn't deserve to talk to you any more, and I knew that. I was so happy when you forgave me, although I felt like I didn't deserve your forgiveness, not after what I'd done. Still, despite this, you forgave me, and I felt like I could never measure up to you, like I'd never be as good, kind and forgiving as you always were. I still think that of you now. I remember thinking that I'd never do anything to cause you that much hurt, or any hurt, ever again.

Then the War happened. We got caught up in the whole thing, none of us sure whether the others were spies or not. I remember getting told by James that Dumbledore suspected that a spy was close to him and Lily, giving information to Voldemort. I knew it wasn't me, and I had never suspected Peter or you of being spies - you were too good, and Peter wasn't 'brave' enough to be a spy. But as time passed, it became obvious that Dumbledore was right - there was a spy among us. By then, I wasn't able to completely trust anybody. That was my biggest mistake - my fading trust in everyone was causing me to suspect even you of being a spy, Moony. Without thinking, I panicked, and told James and Lily to use Peter as their Secret-Keeper - without telling you. I should have done - then, at least, you would have known the truth, without believing that all your friends were gone. But I didn't - and I foolishly went after Peter after James' and Lily's deaths, thinking I could defeat him on my own. He escaped, and I went to Azkaban, and you had no idea of the truth. That knowledge haunted me, for all the time I spent there. And the rest., as they say, is history. I escaped, and travelled to Hogwarts, intending to finally give Peter what he deserved. I soon found out that you were a Professor there - but I couldn't go into the castle to find you, I knew that doing so would not only risk my life, but yours too, because if they found you with me, they would suspect you of being an accomplice.

Then, we met in the Shrieking Shack. I remember the look on your face when I nodded, telling you without words that I was innocent. I remember how you didn't doubt me, just dropped your wand and embraced me, as if nothing had changed. I'd missed that - I'd missed the easy companionship of friends, the feeling of being safe that I'd always had around you and James - and even Peter, once, a long time ago.

Anyway, I'm being long-winded, and I'm distracting you from that cup of tea I know you want. So I'm going to be quick about this, and get it off my chest before I start to have second thoughts about this.

Remus - Moony - I'm in love with you.

Padfoot

I let out a strangled noise, something between a wail and a sob. I leant back in the chair, tears streaming down my face, making no effort to control my emotions - not any more. I don't know how long I stayed like that, just letting everything go.

Finally, I wiped the tears from my cheeks, and opened my eyes. Looking down at the letter, miraculously free of tear-stains, I traced the last line with my index finger gently, hardly able to believe that after all this time, everything I'd wanted since fifth year had come true.

No, I corrected myself. It hasn't come true - he's gone by now, in hiding - you won't see him for ages yet, even if you ever see him again.

'Oh, Padfoot...' I couldn't stop myself from speaking out loud to myself. 'I love you too. If only there was some way...' I trailed off, unable to bring myself to say more.

'Some way for what?'

'Some way for us to-' I suddenly stopped. Raising my head slowly, my eyes leaving the letter and looking up into my living room, I met blue eyes, bright with tears.

'Sirius.'