If You Wanted. . . .

Chapter 1: Rat, Wolf, and Dog

Sirius walked along the tunnel of the Whomping Willow leading back to the grounds of Hogwarts. He remembered well the last time he'd done this as a free man (or rather, a free dog). It had been at the end of their seventh year. . . .

A large black dog walked along the tunnel leading to the Shrieking Shack, followed closely by a stag, and a rat leading the motley band.

On the upper landing, the dog heard a soft whimpering and its tail wagged, whipping the face of the stag. The stag playfully butted the rear end of the dog, basically saying, "Cut it out," and the canine turned around, nipping back just as playfully, giving little excited yips. The rat, who had been continuing, turned back now, and gave the two larger creatures a reproachful look. The stag and the dog hung their heads and followed the rat up to the landing and into the room where the whimpering was emanating from, to see a large, gray wolf.

Upon seeing them, the wolf looked up and its amber eyes lit up with pleasure, its tail thumping the dirt-encrusted, wooden floor. The three animals ran up to the wolf, exchanging their usual forms of greeting on the full moon, the rat skittering around under the wolf's paws and up onto its head, the dog giving a bark of delight and giving the other canine a friendly lick, its tail wagging just as fast, and the stag giving a playful head-butt on the side to say, "Let's go!".

The wolf seemed to nod and next second all of them were going through the door and down the tunnel at breakneck speed, the rat perched on top of the wolf's head and hanging on as if for dear life. The four Animagi ran under the full moon, the wolf giving a happy howl now and again, so happy that it had friends to share this usually horrific time with.

The dog couldn't believe that it was blessed with such wonderful friends as this, friends that would help each other out no matter what the cost, friends that would risk expulsion (and perhaps Azkaban), for one of their own. He looked into their eyes lovingly, the wolf's amber ones, the stag's brown ones, and the rat's watery-blue ones and they all returned the gesture, knowing what the other was thinking without even having to ask (not that they could). The dog put on another burst of speed and tripped up the wolf, the rat falling off in the process and the three falling to the ground in a heap, the stag close behind where they all curled up for a good night's rest before dawn.

Sirius was brought out of his reverie by a loud squeak from Peter as the manacles dug into his wrist and was just in time to allow Snape to bump his head on a particularly hard outcropping. Well, well, Snivellus might need to see Madam Pomfrey after this, he thought happily. He actually allowed a slight smile to creep over his gaunt features, but it left as he heard another squeak from Peter. The traitor, the bloody coward. That man had caused more devastation in the Marauder family than he could ever seem to grasp. They knew that there had been a spy in the Order, certainly, but never one of their own, not the timid, passive boy that they had known since they were eleven!

Lily had suspected it, he knew, though had never said it outright, but had hinted at it: "Where's Peter today?" she would ask. "Order business," one of them would say. "He had to do Order business." "Oh," she would say. "What?" they would ask. "Nothing," she would say. There would be an awkward pause which might be broken by one of baby Harry's antics. Then, "It's just that he's missed a lot of these gatherings." "Lily, he had Order business and keeping Voldemort at bay is more important than a simple gathering any day," one of them would say. Then, the conversation would rapidly turn to something else.

We should've believed Lily from the first, Sirius thought regretfully. And indeed they should have, for now James and Lily were dead, Sirius had been locked in Azkaban for twelve years (without a trial), and Remus himself, although not physically hurt had a deep pain in his amber eyes which they had always been able to sense in each other.

But now you have Harry, he reminded himself and he looked down at the boy walking slightly behind him with that Hermione girl. Does he like her? Sirius wondered, glancing back at the boy. Harry looked up at him and smiled slightly, ever so slightly, but enough to know that he was no longer a crazed, mass murdered in the eyes of his godson (and what eyes they were, such beautiful eyes, Lily's eyes. . . .). Harry looked down again, concentrating on not falling on the crude dirt path. However, Sirius knew it backwards and forwards and he continued looking at his godson, just looking, taking him in, his jet-black hair from James, his emerald-green eyes so like Lily's, and the circular spectacles that were perched on the edge of his nose. The only thing that differentiated him from everyone in the wizarding world and made him more than just Harry, was that scar, the lightning-bolt scar that marred his brave, Gryffindor face. Sirius sighed, this boy had lost so much and had been given so little over his thirteen years (was he thirteen, wow!), something that he wished to remedy.

Harry looked up again now and Sirius smiled at him, still gazing avidly at Harry's scarred forehead, and Harry blushed slightly under the familiar scrutiny. Quickly realizing that this made Harry uncomfortable, Sirius dropped his gaze while the teenager flattened down his fringe and his hair - a hopeless battle - Sirius knew, from all the times that James had tried to, especially before his many dates with Lily. However, Sirius knew that his lank, shoulder-length black hair could hardly look better than his godson's right now; in fact, he hardly looked better than the greasy-haired git that was dangling in midair in front of him, he decided.

Some of Sirius's thoughts must have constituted in his magic for, without warning, Snape levitated several feet to hit another hard outcropping, his tongue lolling out of his mouth and Sirius distinctly saw Harry smirk. Now just to start a conversation. Sirius had always been bad with those father-son talks, especially since the last time he had seen Harry, the boy had only been able to speak random words (him being Uncle Pah-foo). But what to say? He knew what he wanted to say, surely, what he wanted to tell Harry with all of his heart, but suppose the boy was uncomfortable with it? Suppose he wanted to stay with his horrible relatives? Or were they so horrible compared with a man who had spent twelve years in Azkaban and wasn't exactly the perfect parent? Just then, there was another squeak from Peter and Sirius looked to see Remus digging the manacles into the small man's wrists rather harder than he should. But I'd do it, too, he decided. Then again, I have the pleasure of Snivellus's company. There was a cough from Remus and Sirius looked at his friend worriedly, that was, until he saw his friend gave him a look and squeezed Peter's manacles again, a look that plainly said: "Talk to the kid, Sirius! He's your godson for Merlin's sake!"

Ah, and Peter the scapegoat, Sirius thought, completing the thought with a slight smile at his friend. Who knew that the rat would come in so handy. "You know what this means?" he asked his godson suddenly. "Turning Pettigrew in?"

"You're free," Harry said simply. Duh, Sirius could tell he was thinking.

"Yes. . . . But I'm also - I don't know if anyone ever told you - I'm your godfather."

"Yeah, I knew that." Sirius wondered who told him, he'd ask Remus later, he decided.

"Well . . . your parents appointed me your guardian. If anything happened to them. . . ." There was a silence between the two in which Sirius was busy berating himself. Did I make him uncomfortable? asked one voice in his head. Well, of course you did, Padfoot, they were his parents, remember? said another voice. The topic of their death might make him a bit uncomfortable, but you just go ahead and rip his heart out, why don't you? Shut up, before I have to go to the psychiatry ward in St. Mungo's for a 'rest,' just after I got out of Azkaban, the other voice returned sarcastically and Sirius turned to Harry again, who was looking at him dazedly. He wouldn't want to, Sirius just knew it, but the least he could do was try. If he didn't want to then that . . . that was his decision, he wouldn't force the boy. "I'll understand of course if you want to stay with your aunt and uncle," he said tentatively. "But . . . well . . . think about it. Once my name's cleared . . . if you wanted a . . . a different home. . . ." he finished lamely. Yup, you're definitely going to win Parent-of-the-Year acting like this, he thought.

"What - live with you?" Harry asked, banging his head on some protruding rock. "Leave the Dursleys?" Sirius might have imagined it, but it sounded like there was a bit of excitement in Harry's voice.

"Of course, I thought you wouldn't want to. I understand, I just thought I'd -"

"Are you insane? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?" Sirius felt as if he could easily have floated up to the ceiling, he was so happy. Harry wanted to live with him!

"You want to? You mean it?" he asked, his face brightening somewhat and changing from the gaunt one that twelve years of Azkaban had created to the young man who had been at James and Lily's wedding years ago - it seemed centuries from all the things that had happened in that span of time, though. . . .

"Congrats, Prongs!" said Sirius genially, shaking his friend's hand in a pompous manner and grinning cheekily.

"I swear, if anyone else says 'Congratulations,' and shakes my hand, my hand is going to fall off and I'm going to put it over the mantelpiece," James whined with a chuckle.

There was a musical laugh from behind the two friends and Lily came over after saying hi to some girlfriends of hers and exchanging compliments of what each were wearing. "And you must tell me where you bought those dress robes, Lily!" said a blond woman with a bit too much lipstick. "They're absolutely divine!"

"I will, Alice," Lily said. "Who are you planning on getting married to, anyway, Black?"

"Hey, I'm right here, you know," Sirius said, pretending to be offended as Alice blushed scarlet and answered that she was engaged to someone called Frank and immediately began showing off her beautiful diamond ring which all of the ladies exclaimed over.

Lily laughed at Sirius's expression and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry great Sirius Black. Here, how about I lick your shoes for you?" she asked, pretending to bow to the young man.

"No, I think a simple kiss would suffice," Sirius said roguishly, sweeping his elegant black waves of hair out of his face.

"Hey, Padfoot, that's my wife you're talking to," James said, grinning. "She can't just go off having affairs with any guy she wants."

"Oh, stop it, honey," Lily teased back, wrapping an arm around her husband as James did the same. "You know that I'll always be faithful to you and I'll always love you," she said. "Especially tonight," she added in a whisper, yet loud enough for Sirius to hear. James perked up as Sirius laughed.

"Hope you have fun, Prongs," he teased, chuckling. "I know I will. I've been thinking with hooking up with that Ravenclaw chic and getting to know each other better."

Lily opened her mouth to say something, but just then there was a squeaky voice in front of them. "Say cheese, you three!" Peter said, aiming a camera at the happy couple and best man's faces.

"Cheese!" all three of them said as the camera snapped and engulfed them in a cloud of purple smoke.

Harry's answer seemed to come to Sirius through the same purple cloud, covering all his senses. "Yeah, I mean it!" he exclaimed. Harry wants to live with me! Sirius thought happily and his face split into a huge grin which he was pretty sure the boy understood and Harry didn't need him to say anything.

They were walking out on the grounds now and Sirius walked through the hole, bringing Snape up with him, then stood aside for Harry and Hermione to pass through, walking right next to his godson, not wanting to let Harry out of his sights for one moment. Harry wants to live with me!

"One wrong move, Peter," he heard Remus say threateningly, pointing his wand at the side of the rat. Although Harry hadn't wanted them to kill the rat in the Shrieking Shack, he had agreed that if Peter were to try to escape, then Sirius or Remus could kill him, which he would only be too happy to do, he thought, tightening his grip on his wand as the motley band got closer and closer to the castle. Sirius took his gaze off Harry for a moment and looked up at the castle, its gleaming windows and high turrets, a place full of secret passageways. He hoped that Harry had found at least a few and Remus had mentioned Harry having the map, so he guessed that his godson had found some. Yes, he was just like James, why all those times that James (or any of them for that matter), had come rushing into the common room to show them something and them following him without hesitation, the time they had made the Marauder's Map in their third year after they had earned the title of head mischief-makers in the school (or Marauders as they liked to call themselves), the time at the end of seventh year when they had decided to pass the map and James's Invisibility Cloak onto their own children. So many stories that he would have to tell Harry when the boy came to live with him.

Yet where would they live? he asked himself. His parents had died a long time ago and their house was left, but there was no way that he was going to go back to Grimmauld Place with its Slytherin doorknobs and severed elf-heads bedecking the walls. No, he and Harry were both Gryffindors, they would go somewhere else, somewhere more worthy of the Marauder's presence. He smiled to himself, James and he had always mock-argued with each other about how cocky they were and this was the epitome of it. He wondered if he and Harry would have the same arguments, he wondered how well he would adapt to fatherhood. Suppose Harry didn't like him once they got to know each other well enough? Suppose they hated each other? What if he couldn't take care of Harry right and the Ministry took Harry away from him? After all, he was a convicted mass murderer (who was about to be proven innocent, he told himself firmly), and the Wizengamot might be a bit skeptical, not Dumbledore, Dumbledore had a good head on his shoulders, but others like Fudge and that Umbridge woman cared more about what the people thought than justice. No, don't think like that, he mentally berated himself. Harry is going to live with you! And what the bloody hell do you mean that you'll 'hate each other'? You're the kid's godfather for Merlin's sake!

Sirius smiled, then his eyes widened in fear as he saw a cloud shifting in the inky-black night sky and showing a tiny sliver of moonlight. No, go back, go back! he yelled inwardly at the cloud as it showed more and more of the moon and he could see that Remus saw it, too. The werewolf was gazing at it in horror as he stared around at all the innocent people around him who he could mutilate beyond recognition once he transformed. Remus met Sirius's gaze, both thinking the same thing. If Remus hadn't taken his potion as Snape had said, then he was going to be dangerous . . . no, that couldn't happen, Harry was going to live with him! However, it was too late now, he knew, and, so busy was he looking at the foreboding moon, that he allowed Snape to collide with Remus, the rat, and that boy, Ron. Oh, yes, Snape would definitely have to see Madam Pomfrey, he thought briefly, but only briefly as he flung out a hand to stop his godson and Hermione from continuing. He heard Hermione gasp as Remus went rigid and began to pant, shaking. He looked to Harry to see that the boy was pale as a sheet, watching the mild-mannered Professor Lupin that he knew so well, undergo this dangerous transformation.

"Oh, my -" Hermione gasped. "He didn't take his potion tonight! He's not safe!" Yes, Sirius decided. That girl was definitely the brightest witch of her age, he'd ever met, even Lily would have to admit it and she had been a whiz at everything. But Lily wasn't here right now, nor was James, and Peter was a traitor. Sirius was the only Marauder left to help his friend through this. Oh, Merlin, please help me James, he said, uttering a quick prayer and hoping that the head Marauder was listening.

"Run," he ordered the two. "Run. Now." Harry didn't listen to a word his godfather said, but instead leaped forward, to save Ron, Sirius guessed correctly. Goddamn Potter nobility, he thought, annoyed, catching the rebellious teenager around the chest and throwing him back. "Leave it to me - RUN!" he ordered as Remus changed into the deadly creature that Sirius knew he could be - a creature with inch-long teeth, sharp claws, and weighing enough to overpower any human, particularly three thirteen-year-olds on the grounds today which Sirius knew he must keep safe at all costs - one of them was his godson and the other two Harry's best friends. He wouldn't let any of them be hurt, and, as Remus finished his transformation into Moony, left his godson's side, changed into Padfoot and seized the wolf by the neck, pulling it backward, keeping Ron safe. It didn't really matter about the rat, he could die, and, as long as they brought his body back, they could prove their point. I'll be free and Harry's going to live with me!

Padfoot dug his own sharp claws into the tender underbelly of the werewolf and the wolf howled in pain. I'm so sorry, Moony, old friend, the human part of Padfoot's brain thought, however, quickly regretted it as his instincts slowed and he wasn't quick enough to evade a slash at his muzzle from the werewolf's claws. He howled in pain as he heard a scream, a volley of bangs, and then a cry of "Expelliarmus!". It sounded like Harry. Was the boy hurt? Padfoot asked himself, turning to see his godson shout "Stay where you are!" as he faced the rat. However, next second that little rat had transformed into . . . well . . . a rat and was scurrying across the grounds. He made to start after the rat, but was stopped as the werewolf took this opportunity to leap on top of him and tear at his tender flesh with claws and teeth. Padfoot felt warm blood trickle into his mouth and, as the werewolf was about to tear out his throat for the kill and he whimpered feebly. It was then that there was a screech from the forest, and the werewolf pounded off to perhaps meet an equal match rather than a wimpy Black Lab. Padfoot lay on the ground, whimpering, and, he heard through a haze between consciousness and unconsciousness (or perhaps life and death?), Harry's voice again. "Sirius, he's gone, Pettigrew transformed!"

WHAT?! he thought angrily, his rage building. No, he is not getting away! I'm going to be a free man, he's going to go to Azkaban and Harry is going to live with me! He struggled up, limping slightly on his right foreleg and bounded off, pounding away across the grounds, moving soundlessly, though he wanted more than anything to howl and bark in anger. However, knowing that Pettigrew, who also had remarkable hearing, would be able to hear him coming a mile away, his large paws thumped the ground with hardly a sound (which was where he had gotten his nickname - Padfoot). It was then that he heard something, a faint skittering somewhere far off and he stopped, sniffing the air and cocking his head to one side. The skittering came again, it was down by the lakeshore. Trying to drown yourself this time, Peter? he asked himself, shaking his head angrily as he galloped as fast as he could, frantic to catch that rat. However, just as he got near, there was an angry howl and the werewolf came barreling out of the forest at him. Before Padfoot could move, the wolf had grasped him around the throat and he yelped in pain as the wolf bore down on him, growling and tearing at his skin.

Oh, Merlin, why can't I be telepathic? Padfoot asked himself. That would be better to teach here than Divination. . . . He felt his thoughts slipping away for longer and longer periods of time as the werewolf tore at him, tearing open his skin and letting the grass stain red around them. But what harm can it do? The least I can do is try. . . . He trailed off again, his breath becoming harsher as he struggled to let the werewolf - no, Remus, his mild-mannered friend under all that fur - understand what was happening. To understand that Peter was a traitor, to understand that that rat had as good as killed Lily and James, to understand that Peter had made Harry live with the Dursleys - those horrible, narrow-minded Muggles - for ten years, to understand that Peter was going back to his master, Voldemort and would find some way to bring him back to full power, to understand that they needed to get that rat before it was too late, before he could get away and they wouldn't have any evidence to make him, Sirius Black, a free man. And Remus wouldn't want Sirius to be guilty of murder, to be framed by that rat, when he hadn't, would he? Please understand, Remus, please. . . .

However, no matter how hard Sirius tried, he couldn't get through to the wolf, and its eyes remained hard and unforgiving of this foe who had dared to attack it. Padfoot gave another feeble whimper as his head was pushed further into the ground by the werewolf's sheer weight on that area now, its sharp claws digging into his jaw. And now Sirius heard it, a faint skittering, he wasn't sure where but knew that it was still on the school grounds. He's here, Remus, he's here! He wanted to become human and scream it in the werewolf's face (not that the creature would understand them that way), but knew that if he did, he would be bitten immediately and become a werewolf which wouldn't help him or Harry, because, although the Ministry might allow Harry to live with him once his name was cleared (although they might be a bit skeptical), but with the added bonus of being a werewolf, he wouldn't be given a glance as a guardian for anyone, especially the wizarding world's savior, and there was only so much that Dumbledore could do, Sirius knew. And Harry was going to live with him! But suppose he died. . . .? Would Remus take care of Harry, would the boy have to go back to the Dursleys? He didn't think he could bear that! Please, Remus, please understand, he begged the werewolf, all this time hearing the rat's skittering getting fainter and fainter. The rat was getting away.

However, perhaps it was that Padfoot was hallucinating as he got nearer and nearer to death or perhaps it was truth, but it seemed that the werewolf's eyes had softened as it saw the Lab yelping in pain. Please be reality, please don't let me be hallucinating, Sirius begged to the heavens as he repeated the message even more insistently in his brain. Get Peter, get Peter, get Peter. . . . And, strangely enough, the werewolf seemed to understand what he was saying, for it backed off and sniffed the air and then gave a long, bone-chilling howl and set off, running at top speed. Was it toward the skittering? Had Peter gotten away? Sirius didn't know, but the least that any of them could do was try and if that wasn't good enough, well, then. . . .

Oh, goddamn sounding like an angel, he wanted to do more than try, Peter needed to be caught, his name needed to be cleared, it wouldn't end like this! Harry was going to live with him! He would take care of the boy, they'd live in the country, some place where they could run to their heart's content (him as Padfoot, of course), some place where they could see the sky, instead of the dreary stone walls of some prison cell day in and day out, some place where the sun never seemed to stop shining, where it was always beautiful, some perfect place . . . yes, he would take Harry to the perfect place once his name was cleared. . . . He felt his thoughts slipping away again and he fought the fog coming around him desperately. Maybe if I change back, he thought desperately. Yes, I'll change back and as a human, I'll be strong enough to fight this. Then, my name will be cleared and Harry is going to live with me! Who knows, Remus might even come along, that would be fun, the last two Marauders (Peter didn't count) and the Marauder's son living together - ah, yes, the place would be full of mischief-making. And Ron and Hermione would visit (he thought he remembered Arthur Weasley from Hogwarts - he and Molly had been the perfect couple). With these happy thoughts, Sirius, using the last bit of his strength, changed back, feeling blood dripping from numerous wounds in rivulets and he moaned. And, although his hearing wasn't as good as that in his dog form, he still heard footsteps coming from a way off. It must be Dumbledore or someone coming to get him and his name would be cleared. Moony would get Peter and everything would be all better. Harry was going to live with him! Perhaps they had Harry in tow with them? Suppose the boy will be worried when he sees me like this? Sirius wondered worriedly as he struggled to rise, but knelt on the ground. Ah, well, at least this was better.

However, Sirius's movement seemed to have caught the eye of others, for it was then that he felt an intense cold, one that he had tried to avoid for months now, but had still come to him in nightmares. He dared not look up, knowing what he would find - there were dementors, hundreds of them, coming across the lake to him, drowning him in their cold, hearing screams, screams of innocents - the screams of Lily and James. . . .

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off -"

Sirius heard James stumbling from a room, knowing that he was about to do a Colloportus Charm on the door, but it burst open and there was a cry of "Avada Kedavra!" from Voldemort, and a cackle of laughter as James fell dead and unmarked to the floor. . . .

"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please - I'll do anything -" It was Lily's turn now, Sirius knew it.

"Stand aside. Stand aside, girl!"

"No! Not Harry, please! Have mercy!"

"Nooo!" Sirius moaned. "Nooo . . . please. . . ." Not Lily, they couldn't kill Lily! Beautiful, innocent, Lily, he was killing her! He didn't think he could stand it! There was a huge mist around him, but he managed to turn his head and saw two people walking toward him. One looked just like James. Was it James? Was it really James?

"Expecto Patronum!" the man called, while the woman next to him was overpowered by the dementors and fell to the ground next to Sirius. No, that definitely wasn't Lily, he decided. But still . . . James? Through the mist, Sirius saw a dementor drawing back its hood and turning to face him, revealing thin, gray, scabbed skin, stretched blankly over empty sockets, but with a huge gaping hole which was its mouth. The dementor reached toward Sirius and pulled Sirius's head toward it's own blank face, ready to suck out his soul, in other words to perform the Dementor's Kiss, a fate worse than death. Sirius struggled against the dementor, turning his head to see, not James . . . but Harry. Harry, no! They were both supposed to be alright, this wasn't how it was supposed to end. Harry was going to live with him! But whatever Sirius thought, it couldn't stop the impending doom of that dementor's gaping mouth as he was drawn closer and closer to him for the Kiss to be performed, despite his struggles which were becoming weaker and weaker as energy was drained from him while Lily and James's final words went on in the background. Oh, how he wished for Honeydukes Best right now. It's too bad dogs can't have chocolate. . . . were his last thoughts before he was overwhelmed by a white light and knew no more.