Twenty-Twenty Hindsight

Prologue

Looking back, I can't believe how naive I was about everything. I guess it makes more sense now - twenty-twenty hindsight and all that - but I still can't believe that, at the time, I couldn't see things for how they were. If I could, it would've saved me a lot of trouble.

But I guess that's not the point of living. If you can see everything for what it is and what it will become, all the time, then that pretty much sucks the excitement right out of life for you. Not that I would call what happened exciting - at times it was, but now it just basically disgusts me and makes me feel a bit nauseous - but it was still a good experience to have, in a way. It's made me wiser.

The thing that scared me the most about what happened was that I was afraid it would turn into some vicious cycle. Like, I'd keep getting myself into that situation no matter how much I wanted to just be normal, and I wouldn't be able to stop; that it would end up killing me one day. I didn't want that cycle to become who I was. I think that's why I stayed.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly where it all began. I think that the factors leading up to it started as early as first year, when Tom Riddle's diary was possessing me. He made me feel worthless and unclean, like no one would ever - could ever - love me again. I felt stupid for having let the diary control me the way it did. I don't even know why I retrieved it when I tried to throw it away. That was my chance to rid myself of its evil once and for all, but I just fell into weakness yet again and went to get my "master" back. I call him my "master" because he did kind of control me for most of first year. He's not my master anymore, though...

Through first year, because of the fact that I was being possessed and made to do evil things against my will, I didn't make a lot of friends. I was shy to begin with and when I'd "wake up" from a sort of dream or trance, not knowing what I'd done in the last 3 or 4 hours, I got really scared of what might have happened. Because of that, I avoided people. I thought they'd think I was a freak, that I would have one of my little "trances" when I was with them. The only people I talked to were Percy - if I absolutely had to - Fred and George, and Ron and Hermione. I didn't talk to Harry. I was afraid of him - partially from the influence of the diary, partially because of my enormous crush on him. In any case, and for whatever reason, I didn't talk to him. I remember sending him that stupid Valentine - but he still pretty much ignored me. If there's any easier way to scare a twelve-year-old boy away, I'd like to hear it.

Second year passed slowly enough. I started having crushes on different boys, but never as overpowering as the one I had on Harry. Basically I just found the others good looking, but I never got close enough to any boys to find out what their personalities were like.

I had a few friends in second year, but until around the end of fourth year they weren't close to me. There was Alexis, who was in my dorm with me. She was really popular and absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous, even at the age of twelve, but for some reason she liked me. The closest I had to a best friend was Cynna, who was in Ravenclaw. She was also my year, and we had most of our classes together. Sometimes Alexis sat with us or grouped with us; most times she was with her own friends.

But the three of us went on a lot of Hogsmeade weekends together through the next three and a half years. We also went on a lot of slightly illegal midnight trips to Hogsmeade to get "supplies" for the occasional Friday night get-togethers we had in the Room of Requirement. That didn't start until sometime in third year, though. I knew about the Room of Requirement because Fred and George had kindly told me of it before I even went to Hogwarts. It would be the three of us, as well as my other two dorm-mates and, sometimes, some of Cynna's friends. I would just kind of blend into the background, quietly drinking one or two butterbeers and watching the others enjoying themselves, wishing I could be like them.

Around fourth year, I finally started getting over Harry. I dated around a bit, but it was only for a few dates and then Ron would scare the guys off in one way or another. It was really depressing, especially since Alexis was so gorgeous so all the guys paid attention to her and not me. Cynna was really good looking, too. She had that kind of dark and mysterious look going on, with black hair, dark eyes, and a quiet but powerful demeanor. You could just tell that if you got on her nerves, she'd tell you exactly where to go and what to do when you got there.

Then there was me. Quiet, but in the shy kind of way, with no hidden wild-child rearing to break free. Ugly, frizzy red hair and muddy hazel eyes which, instead of changing fully from brown to green, stayed somewhere in the middle. I had freckly, pale skin and I was small, underdeveloped, and a little on the chubby side. There was so much I wanted to change but I just didn't know how. I didn't want to ask Alexis or Cynna because all they'd do was tell me what they thought I wanted to hear - that I was gorgeous, or really cute, or that all the guys at school were idiots for not being able to see the real me or stand up to my brother, whichever was the reason for no one wanting to go out with me.

By this time, Harry had completely forgotten I existed, except for when he needed me to tell him that no, he wasn't possessed; to make him feel better about himself and fulfill his destiny or whatever it was. It didn't matter, though; I was over him by that time.

Or at least I thought I was.