Revenge of the Hufflepuffs

Revenge of the Hufflepuffs

Scene: Hufflepuff common room

"Who am I?" a fifth year boy mused aloud.

His friend shrugged. "We're Hufflepuffs, mate. No one knows who we are."

The boy looked at his friend as though seeing him for the first time. "Who are you?"

He thought for a moment. "I'm Paul. And you're Jim."

"Oh, yeah. Thanks, mate."

"You know, I think I'm a prefect!"

"Are you? Well, good on you!"

His friend was silent. Then: "I hate Gryffindor, you know," he said quietly.

"Yeah. And Slytherin."

"And Ravenclaw. What a bunch of duffers!"

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

The first boy sighed softly. The second boy looked thoughtful. "We should do something about them, " he said finally.

"What could we do?" asked the first boy, a wrinkle appearing on his forehead.

"Well, we have one thing in our favour."

"Our loyal, hardworking nature?"

"No. The element of surprise."

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Scene: Breakfast, one week later

It was a typically noisy morning in the Great Hall. No one noticed the cluster of nervous-looking Hufflepuffs, as everyone was watching Harry Potter scratch his nose at the Gryffindor table. "He's so brave," one first year girl murmured.

"Are we ready, Hufflepuffs?" Paul spoke in a low, determined voice.

A freckled fourth year girl saluted. "Ready, er... what's your name again?"

"Paul Smith," he said patiently.

"Ready, Paul!" the girl effused, taking out her wand.

Then, all was chaos. Sparks and flashes zoomed every which way across the Hall, zapping random students as they dove under tables. "Where's that coming from?" gasped a Gryffindor boy who was crouching, rather uncourageously, under a chair.

"I think... the Hufflepuff table!" exclaimed another Gryffindor.

"There's a Hufflepuff table?"

Slowly, the flashes ceased, and there was a terrible, uneasy silence. Paul Smith climbed on top of the Hufflepuff table, knocking over a bronze badger-shaped candlestick with a resounding clunk.

A Ravenclaw boy peered out with a puzzled frown. "Who's that?" he asked no one in particular.

"That's Paul Smith, you dolt," replied a brainy-looking girl crouched beside him.

The boy gave her a funny look. "So, uh, what do we do now?" he asked.

She shrugged. "We wait and see what happens." This seemed reasonable.

What happened was this: Paul Smith cleared his throat, loudly. "I am a Hufflepuff," he proclaimed. "A child of the mighty badger!"

"Is that what those badgers all over the school are about?" demanded a Slytherin girl with a face like the back end of a truck. "I thought Dumbledore was just funny that way!"

Paul pointed his wand at the girl, who galumphed back under the table. "Yes," he said, as though struggling to not lose his temper, "that is what the badgers are all about. And today, the badger will rise!" On cue, the freckled girl behind him stood up and recited, "Expecto Patronum!" A huge silvery badger erupted from her wand and scampered across every surface of the hall before coming back to rest on the Hufflepuff table.

The other students huddled beneath their respective tables, staring at each other blankly. No one seemed willing or able to take control of the situation. Even the staff appeared to be frozen at the Head Table. (This was because they were, in fact, frozen - Paul's friend Jim Jones had persuaded a very pixilated female house elf to slip a Freezing Draught into their pitcher of pumpkin juice.)

"We don't want to hurt anyone, " Paul stated. "We simply want to prove our FUCKING EXISTENCE!" Paul was indeed a loyal, hardworking boy, but at this moment he was a very pissed off loyal, hardworking boy. "What I mean to say is," he continued, "WE'RE MAD AS HELL AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" The ring of Hufflepuffs applauded wildly. The filmy badger Patronus seemed to stomp his clawed feet in approval, but that might have been just a trick of the candles.

A Gryffindor boy stood up, admittedly, bravely. "Is... is that all, then?"

"No," said Paul, who had regained his composure a bit. "Here is our list of demands. One: The chief Quidditch rivalry will now involve Hufflepuff and Gryffindor. Tough luck, Slytherins. Two: You will learn all of our names and take the time to greet us when you pass us in the hall, instead of gawping at Potter's scar. Three..."

"Hey!" cried a voice from beneath the Gryffindor table. "I never ASKED anyone to..."

"Can it, Potter, " said Paul. "Three: Hufflepuffs will no longer lose house points for 'being deadly dull.'" He glared at Snape when he said this. Sadly, the effect was completely lost on Snape, who had been frozen with a forkful of scrambled eggs halfway to his mouth.

"Four: And this one is very important." Paul glared out, as though daring anyone to challenge him. "We are not, I repeat, NOT, asexual! Look at us!" He gestured to a particularly comely blonde girl. "We may not be named Potter or Weasley, but we are DAMNED GOOD-LOOKING!" Paul paused, catching his breath. "So, then. I expect these four tenets to be put into effect immediately. If not..." He brandished his wand menacingly, as did the rest of the Hufflepuffs, quite loyally. "We can do things with badgers you would not believe!"

It was testament to either the great fear that Paul had instilled in them or their complete and utter disbelief, but no students sniggered at this remark, save one unfortunate Slytherin boy. He stopped when he felt what were unmistakably badger extremities sprouting from his body. "Geez, have a little imagination, " he grumbled, flicking his ears in disgust.

"Anything else?" Paul asked his captive audience. There was a very loud silence. "Good, then!" He smiled widely. "I'm glad we could get to know each other at last. I hope we will be great friends."

"We're very loyal, you know!" piped up the freckled girl. With that, they all sat down and commenced eating their sausages.

The other students crawled tentatively out from under the tables. They tentatively retook their seats, and took tentative mouthfuls of their cold oatmeal. One thing was certain: not one of them would ever forget the name of Huffle... whatever.

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