Always

Always

Harry’s POV

I smile weakly at my team-mates but refuse to go out for drinks. They tease me for staying in my house so much... but nothing else appeals to me. I don’t care to go out anymore, I don’t care to see my friends. They are the ones who brought me to this place. This place without you. But they are right, aren’t they? We don’t have a future together. I’ve always wanted kids to carry on my name; I can’t have that with you. I’ve always wanted a normal life. I can’t have that if I’m with you. That’s what they said.

They are right, aren’t they?

She told me to move on with my life, find a nice woman and settle down and so did he. They think it’s so easy. They were lucky enough to have each other in school, and now they are moving on together.

You and I were lucky enough to have each other in school... Why shouldn’t I be able to move on with you? It’s just not right, they tell me. What’s not right? The fact that I love you or the fact that you’re a man?

I appear inside my bedroom after I say farewell to my friends from work. My only thoughts are to take off as many clothes as possible, make dinner, then drown out my thoughts of you with a couple bottles of Ogden’s Firewhiskey. I strip down, completely naked and pull on some sweatpants. I smile slightly when I remember how much you used to love it when I didn’t put on any underwear. It was always a sure fire way to get you into bed. Not that I had to try that hard any other time.

I flip on lights in the sitting room and kitchen as I go through, dragging my feet. I pull out a pan and decide to just make some eggs. That’s all I have anyway. I make a mental note to go the grocery store tomorrow. My eggs are not even halfway done when I feel somebody behind me, watching me cook. I bite my lip, hoping it’s just my imagination. I don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain my willpower if it is you. I slowly turn around and see you standing in my kitchen doorway. My eyes widen in surprise and I take a small step back. I don’t know what to say at first. Should I tell you that you look like shit? Should I tell you how beautiful you look?

Your normally immaculate hair is hanging down in your face, a little of it’s shine gone. Your eyes are bloodshot and I can tell that you’ve been crying. I want nothing more than to walk forward and hold you, tell you it’s going to be all right, kiss your beautiful face, tell you I’ll never leave you again. But I don’t.

I steel myself so that I sound confident, like I don’t love you, but my voice quivers. “Draco. What are you doing here?” I curse myself for sounding like a scared child. You start walking to me, playing your game of who will break eye contact first. You’ve always done that. And you always know that I’ll look down first. I keep telling my brain not to look down, but then I feel the heat of your body on me and I need to look down. I can’t take looking into those silver eyes, so full of questions that need to be answered so desperately.

“I just came to speak with you, I suppose. You’re not expecting anybody, are you?” I can tell that you’re dreading that I am expecting somebody. But that answer is no, I’m never expecting anybody anymore. I hesitate in answering and I can see the desperate pleading in your eyes. I can’t give you hope. Please forgive me.

“No, I wasn’t actually. And I most certainly wasn’t expecting to see you standing there, of all people.” Even I wince inwardly at the coldness in my voice. I can see the hurt in your face. You used to be so good at hiding your emotions. What happened? Did I do that to you? Did I make you lose your confidence?

“What do you mean? Why has it come as such a surprise?” Oh, Draco. Please don’t sound so hurt. I need to do this.

“Look, Draco... I hope you didn’t come here to try and reconcile with me. I’ve already told you that it’s over.”

“You never told me why!” If only I could say why, love.

“It’s hard to explain. I just... I just felt like we were drifting apart. It’s not that I don’t still love you. I do. But we need to be apart.” Those words even hurt me to the core. But the emotionless mask was up again and inwardly, I cheered. You haven’t lost your confidence. And it will make this so much easier if I can’t see how this is affecting you. You moved forward and placed your hand on my side. I shivered, but didn’t try to remove the touch. I haven’t been touched in so long. Since the last time we made love... What was it, three months ago now? Maybe shorter. It seems so very long ago. I miss it. And then you say those words that I knew would be my undoing if you chose to say them.

“I love you.”

My barriers broke down and my breath catches in my throat. I know I’m staring, but I don’t care. I didn’t even realise that you were moving until our chests pressed up against each other. My chest starts rising and falling rapidly, taking in quick breaths. And then your hand runs down my cheek. Oh... do you know how good it feels to be touched like this by you? I put my hand over yours so that you won’t pull it away. I see your eyes light up with happiness at the return of touch. I can feel us both being pulled together by some force. We press our lips together and I can just barely hear a gasp from you. You wrapped your arms around my neck and I could feel you pulling us closer together.

My mind is telling me to pull away, but I can’t. It feels so right. My tongue slides out of my mouth and runs along your lips. Your mouth falls open and our tongues collide, exploring each other. It feels exactly like our first kiss. We were both so scared and curious. All I wanted then and now is to feel every part of your mouth, to feel everything... I want you.

I press my body against you, feeling the need to feel every curve there as well. I want to get to know your secrets again. The secrets that you’ve only let me know about. Our kisses get harder and I moan into your mouth, taking us both by surprise. I rarely ever moan, and I know it. I can’t really explain it... I just don’t. It gets to you and I feel a moan vibrate in my mouth from you. Your hands start to wander down and reach into my sweatpants and start massaging my arse. I smile inwardly when you moan again. I know it’s because I’m not wearing any underwear.

I need to get you out of here. I start pushing you out the door but stop as I remember the pan on the burner, still cooking my eggs; more like burning from the smell of them now.

“Wait. I don’t want to start a fire,” I say and I immediately feel the fear that crept up on you disappear with my words. I run to turn it off and take the pan away from the stove. The food had already started burning. When I get back to you, I press my lips firmly against yours and we begin our duel again. I start to remove all your clothing. You really came over with too much on. We’re both naked by the time we’re halfway up the stairs. I can see you eyeing my erection, just as I am eyeing yours. I want to feel it again.

After what seemed like forever, we finally collapse onto the bed, with you on top. You start to touch and kiss me all over. In places that only you know drive me wild with desire. Oh... I love you. I need you. I need you in me. I can see your smirk when my hips start bucking involuntarily. Damn you.

“Draco... please, I need you,” I hissed through my teeth. You scramble for my bedside table and I turn onto my hands and knees. I can feel your eyes on me and when you speak, it’s with a hint of desperation.

“No. I want to look at you.” I roll over and you lean over me and kiss me passionately. I can feel you enter me and oh... it feels so good. I start to moan with each love filled thrust. Even while we were together, it was never this good, never so filled with a desperate need for the other. I can feel you body tense up and know that you’re close.

“Harry!” you scream out as you let yourself go inside of me. I’m so close now, it hurts. You kiss me deeply, passionately and I’m lost. A sob comes from my throat. It’s so good I want to cry. You’re so beautiful, I want to cry and hold you for the rest of eternity. You pulled out and collapsed beside me, breathing heavily. I wrapped my arms around you and start drawing slow circles in the small of your back. I know you like it. You always have ever since our first time together. As our breathing becomes normal again, you snuggle closer into my body.

“I love you,” you whispered hoarsely. I kiss your nose. Should I say it? I hesitate for I don’t know how long.

“I love you, too,” I whisper back but then realise that you fell asleep.

I woke up when the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon. There was a warmth in my arms that felt familiar but yet foreign. It hadn’t been there in so long. I look down and find you still snuggled up to my body. I sigh deeply and pull you closer, knowing that this will be the last time this ever happens for us. We can’t do this. We can’t be together. I made a mistake in making love to you last night. How I wish it hadn’t happened. How glad I am that it did. You sigh in your sleep and turn your face up towards me.

A small smile is dancing across your face and I feel my heart ripping in two. I don’t want to be the one to wipe it off. But I will. I lean down and kiss your full lips... your eyes... your cheeks... your neck... your eyes again... your mouth. I stare down at it and run gentle fingers along the length of those beautiful lips. I give lingering kisses to each corner, to the top and bottom lip. I will memorise your lips again before I break your heart for the second time. I never want to forget them. My beautiful lover. Will you ever forgive me?

I again give you a lingering kiss on the mouth and feel you kissing me back. Your tongue snakes into my mouth and we share an agonisingly slow kiss. It’ll be our last. You pull away and kiss the nape of my neck and fall back onto your pillow, eyes still closed. You have a silly grin plastered on your face.

“Harry... me love you.” And I realised, you’re still asleep. You won’t remember our last kiss when you wake up. I give kisses all down your chest, sending shivers through your body and finally tear myself away from your beautiful form. Oh... how I’ll miss you, my Draco. I throw on a robe and go downstairs to make myself some coffee. A post owl flies in with the morning paper and I pay it and take the paper and coffee to the kitchen table. I’m in the sports section, reading about my teams latest victory when I hear you enter. I look up and can see the hesitation in your movements. You know it’s coming.

“Draco... we need to talk.”

“About what?” you asked and I sighed inwardly. You’re just stalling, love.

“Last night. Draco, I let it go too far. I’m sorry for leading you on like that. It was horrible for me to do.”

“But... you love me. You said it! Why can’t we be together? You know I love you!” Your voice was borderline hysterical and it was making me slightly nervous. I hoped you wouldn’t do anything drastic. It made me want to cry but I couldn’t let you know how I really felt. If I did... we’d be back in bed, making love again. Although, it sounded much better than seeing you leave forever.

“I do know it. What you don’t understand is that I don’t love you in the way that you want me to love you. I still care about you so much but we just don’t have a future together anymore.” Your Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as you swallowed. My heart ripped in two as I saw the tears well up in your eyes, waiting to be shed. You looked down at the floor and I saw a tear fall to the floor. My Draco... please don’t cry.

Before I had time to think anything else, I saw the end of your wand pointing at my head. I stood up with a quickness that even surprised me.

“Draco, what are you doing? Don’t do anything stupid,” I said, trying not to sound too alarmed. I looked around the kitchen, hoping that I had left my wand on the counter. But then as if seeing it in a photo, I saw my wand lying on my bedside table. I began to panic.

“And what would you say is the stupidest thing for me to do? To hate you with a passion? Or to love you with so much passion that I can’t bear to think of losing you? My hands have begun shaking ever since you left me. Did you know that? Did you know they stopped from the moment I saw you again last night?” I looked at your wand hand and sure enough, it was shaking... and badly. “That’s right. They’ve started again. I’m sick of it.”

“Draco, please put your wand down. It won’t accomplish anything here.”

“Yes, it will. I’m sorry, Harry.” As if in slow motion, I saw his wand turning from my head to his heart and the words seemed to come out agonisingly slow. “Avada Kedavra.” The now too familiar green light erupted and I heard the rushing sound heading for my love.

“Draco!” I screamed as it hit and you fell to the ground, dead before you hit. A loud sob escaped my throat and I ran for you. Your silver eyes were open and unseeing, full of tears. Your cheeks were wet and your mouth set. I took one last look at your beautiful eyes and ran my hand over your eye lids, closing them for the last time. I touched your face; it was still so warm. You couldn’t be dead. You’re not dead. I began kissing your face all over in hopes that you would open your eyes again and smile at me. Tell me that you weren’t powerful enough to use the Killing Curse. I got no response from you and I finally realised... my love is dead. A loud wail escaped from me and I buried my face in my robe that you were wearing. Even the short amount of time that you had been wearing it, your distinct scent lie upon it.

“No, Draco. No, no. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.” This is all their fault. If they hadn’t told me that it wasn’t right. That I could do better. Why did I listen? Why am I so stupid? I should have listened to myself and only myself. I love this man more than anybody else. Why did I screw it up? I moved my hands down your arms, still lying my head on your chest and staring mournfully into your face. I felt the seemingly harmless stick of wood in my left hand and wrapped my hand around yours, which was clutching your wand so tightly that I could not pry them off. I looked at it and brought your clenched fist to my mouth and kissed it. I came to my decision right then.

“I’m sorry, Ron and Hermione. You brought me to this. Even if that wasn’t your intention. You did this.” I’ll be right there, Draco, love. I made you point your wand at me and I felt the unfamiliar words tumble out of my mouth. I didn’t watch as the light and rushing came at me. I looked down into my lovers face and smiled. That’s how I fell on top of him, smiling and looking into his face; waiting for Ron and Hermione to come pick me up for a day in Diagon Alley. This is how they’d find me. Eyes open, looking at Draco Malfoy, a large smile stretched permanently across my face. My hand wrapped around my life and my death.