Always

I hear... a voice say "Don't be so blind"...
it's telling me all these things...
that you would probably hide...

My hands were shaking as I fumbled with the Muggle locks on my door. Did you know that it’s one of the only constants in my life now? Did you know that you used to be one of them? The shaking hasn’t gone away since you left. Along with the shivering with cold as I lie awake at night, the spot next to me, unbearably empty. How many days has it been since you left? Two, five, nine? Has it been months, years? No matter how long it has been, the pillow you slept on still has your musky scent.

Should I have seen it coming? Did I do something wrong? Your eyes haunt me in my sleep. They haunt me when I’m awake. I need to see them looking at me like they once did. They used to love me. They used to look at me in such a way I had never thought possible.

am I... your one and only desire...
am I the reason you breath...
or am I the reason you cry...

The teapot rattles noisily as I pour tea into my cup. If you had been here, you would have taken the teapot from me and poured it yourself. You’d take my hands in yours and kiss them so softly and lovingly that all I would be able to do is stare into your emerald eyes and hope you’d realise just how much I love you. And you would see it. The tea would be forgotten and you’d lead me into the bedroom.

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always... I just can't live without you...

The tea lies forgotten even without you here. Tears roll unbidden down my face and I bury my face in my ever shaking hands. Thoughts that I haven’t had since we were in school come floating to my mind. I hate you. I hate what you did to me. If I’m not happy, then you shouldn’t be either. But no, I don’t want to see you unhappy. I want to see you with me.

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take anymore...
this life of solitude...

My mind is made up. I grab my wand from my bedside table and hurry out the door in hopes of catching you right when you get home from practice. Your guard is always down when you’ve had a long day at work. That’s also when you like to make love. The kind where I can feel everything you feel, where I can see every emotion running across your face. The silent O on your face when release comes. You’ve always been silent. I was always lucky to get the softest moan from you. I never worried you didn’t enjoy it though. I knew it. Your face shows everything. I can now almost feel the gentle circles you like to trace in the small of my back after our love making. I long for it again.

I appeared before your front door, not caring if any Muggles were around to see me. My heart skips a beat when I see the lights flicker on in the kitchen and then the sitting room. You’ve just arrived home.

”Alohomora,” I whisper without even bothering to knock.

Inside... it bottles up until now...
as I walk in your door...
all I hear is the sound...
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you...

I close the door quietly and proceed into your warm home. I stop in the door to the kitchen and watch you make your dinner. With no shirt on. I clench my teeth and ball up my fists. How dare you make me feel so completely undone!

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...

I don’t say anything but you seem to notice my presence. You turn around and your lovely eyes widen in surprise and you take a small step backward.

“Draco. What are you doing here?” You ask me with a small quiver in your voice. I wonder if it’s because I’ve startled you or for some other unknown reason. I walk towards you without breaking eye contact. I know you’ll look down before me. You always have. And you do, just as I get close enough to touch you. I feel the loss of your gaze already.

“I just came to speak with you, I suppose. You’re not expecting anybody, are you?” I dread that the answer is yes. “No,” you answer after a moments hesitation. “I wasn’t actually. And I most certainly wasn’t expecting to see you standing there, of all people.”

“What do you mean? Why has it come as such a surprise?” I ask, slightly hurt by his tone of voice.

“Look, Draco... I hope you didn’t come here to try and reconcile with me. I’ve already told you that it’s over.”

“You never told me why!” I exclaimed desperately.

“It’s hard to explain. I just... I just felt like we were drifting apart. It’s not that I don’t still love you. I do. But we need to be apart.” I moved forward and placed a gentle hand on your side and you shivered under the touch. How long has it been since somebody has touched you? I wondered. You’ve always wanted to be touched. And I was always happy to give you all the love you were deprived of as a child. Is there somebody new that is willing to give that to you?

“I love you.”

I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...

I hear your breath catch in your throat and you stare at me with glazed eyes.

I just can't take anymore...
this life of solitude...

Why did you really break up with me? I wonder but do not speak. I unconsciously start moving slowly towards you so that your bare chest is pressed up against my robed one. I can feel how fast you’re breathing. Mine is surprisingly calm and steady. I lift my hand up and softly run it down the length of your cheek. My heart lifts when you hold my hand against your face and press it more firmly against it.

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...

I gasp softly as we press our lips softly together for the first time in so long. I wrap my arms around your neck and pull us closer together. Your tongue snakes out of your mouth and runs along my lips. Oh... I’ve forgotten how it feels. My mouth falls open and we’re back to where we were before. In my mind, we never broke up. You’ve been away for a while and have just come home tonight. I was here to surprise you.

Our tongues roam over the other, exploring, just like our first kiss in our sixth year at school. It felt so new, so good. I can feel you pressing your body into me just as your kisses get harder, more needy. A loud moan vibrates in my mouth and I realise... you just moaned. You have never moaned while only kissing, rarely even during our love making. And never that loud. It elicits a moan from me and my hands begin to wander down. They reach the band of your sweatpants and I push my hand through to massage your arse. I moan again when I find that you’re wearing no underwear. You know how much I love that. You begin pushing me out of the kitchen but then stop once we get to the door. You rip yourself away from me and fear ripples through my body like ice.

I left my head around your heart...

“Wait. I don’t want to start a fire,” you state breathlessly and run back to the stove and turn the burner off and remove the pan. It had already begun smoking. You come back to me quickly and begin removing my clothing as we make our way clumsily to the stairs. We’re both completely naked by the time we’re halfway up. I have a hard time waiting to touch your erection. We finally make it to your large bed and fall on top of it. I roll on top of you, vowing in my head to show you how much I love you.

I begin to touch and kiss you in all the places I know that drive you wild. I know every inch of your body like the back of my hand. I’m teasing you and I know you’re wanting release. Your hips are bucking involuntarily. “Draco,” you hiss, “please, I need you.” I don’t need any further encouragement. I scramble over to your bedside table and open the drawer where I know the lubricant is. When I look at you again, you’re already on your hands and knees.

“No. I want to look at you,” I say, hoping that I don’t sound too desperate. You obediently roll over for me. I kiss you passionately as I enter you. Oh... it’s been so long. Your face is contorting between pleasure and pain, but soon the pleasure wins over. A long, loud moan emits from your mouth, the second tonight. Soon there are so many that I begin to lose count. It all becomes too much for me and I scream out your name as I let myself go inside of you. I kissed you deeply once more and you let out a strangled sob as you let yourself go onto our stomachs.

I collapsed beside you, breathing heavily. You wrapped your arms around me and started drawing slow circles in the small of my back. “I love you,” I whisper hoarsely. You kiss my nose. It isn’t until I’m falling asleep that I realise, you didn’t say it back.

I woke up the next morning to find the spot next to me empty. The smell of what we took part in the night before, permeated the air. I wrapped your robe around my naked body and went to find you. You’re sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper. You look up at me as I come in and I can feel it coming already. I pray to every god that I had ever heard of that you wouldn’t say it.

“Draco... we need to talk.”

Why would you tear my world apart...

“About what?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Last night. Draco, I let it go too far. I’m sorry for leading you on like that. It was horrible for me to do.”

“But... you love me. You said it! Why can’t we be together? You know I love you!”

“I do know it. What you don’t understand is that I don’t love you in the way that you want me to love you. I still care about you so much but we just don’t have a future together anymore.” I swallowed thickly. Why does it feel like you just took out your butcher knife and carved my heart out?

I see... the blood all over your hands...
does it make you feel... more like a man...
was it all... just a part of your plan...

My hands started to shake again. And it was in that moment that I realised... they had stopped shaking ever since I had seen you standing with your back turned to me, making your dinner. The dinner you never got to eat... I looked down at the floor with tears blurring my vision. My trousers were lying at my feet with my wand sticking out of the pocket. I bent to pick it up without thinking and then pointed it at your scarred forehead.

this wand is shakin' in my hands...
and all I hear is the sound...

You stood up from your chair with lightening speed. “Draco, what are you doing? Don’t do anything stupid.” You looked frantically around and I saw it in your eyes.... you were scared. Your wand was currently in your bedroom.

“And what would you say is the stupidest thing for me to do? To hate you with a passion? Or to love you with so much passion that I can’t bear to think of losing you? My hands have begun shaking ever since you left me. Did you know that? Did you know they stopped from the moment I saw you again last night?” You eyed my shaking wand hand warily. “That’s right. They’ve started again. I’m sick of it.”

I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...

“Draco, please put your wand down. It won’t accomplish anything here.”

“Yes, it will. I’m sorry, Harry.” I couldn’t do it. I turned the wand from you, love and pointed it at myself. “Avada Kedavra.” A green light erupted and a rushing sound came. I heard you scream my name before I fell to the ground and knew no more.

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take anymore...
this life of solitude...
I pick myself off the floor...
and now I’m done with you...
Always...
Always...
Always...