To Be Or Not To Be

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

The diary with a hole was lying in a cupboard, forgotten by everybody. A thick layer of dust recovered it, rebbing out little by little the owner´s name, formerly written in gilt letters on the cover. This diary had had to carry memories, one day, a long time ago. A long time ago, because today, no writing covered the pages hopelessly white. Hopelessly white. No memory came to cheer up the loneliness, deserted pad. The memories, happy and unhappy, had disappeared, had flown away. But can a memory really die ? Does not it stay a track when the writing fade? It is not on paper the memory remains engraved, but in the depths of the being, somewhere in his heart.

***

She was sleeping. A rest of smile was still trailing on her face, a tear was pouring down slowly, very slowly, her pale cheek. There was still something of child in this girl's body, which gave her the expression of a doll, deserted after the girl who used to play with it grew up : the endless smile fixed of the toys and the tear of humanity that we ascribed to them. The day filtered in the room, sunbeams coming to touch her cheek. In a moment, she would wake up, snatched from from her dreams, freed from her nightmares.

Her age couldn´t be said. Certainly more than fifteen years. Not a woman. No, not still.

She heaved a sigh in her sleep.

***

He, was there. More present than ever. But so silent.

Invisible.

Impalpable.

He was biding patiently his time. It made more than five years that he was biding. But he did not loose heart. Because he knew that the memories never went out and that his ardour, his thirst for power, would always remain as intense as before. Before. But was there really a BEFORE ? He did not really know. Since his memories had faded, had left the diary, everything had changed. Nothing had changed. Everything was like before but nothing was the same. It was very strange. The memories were always so alive but they used somebody to stay alive. They used her. They were lying, hidden in her heart. He used her too. He was lying, hidden in her heart too. Because he and his memories were united. He made possible the memories to exist.The memories made possible him to exist.

***

She pushed away the blanket and stretched. She regretted to have woken up in the middle of a dream. She put a bare foot on the floor, shivered in contact of the cold tiled floor and went to the bathroom, humming.

He smiled. It was his favorite moment of the day.

She took off her nightdress which fell on the floor with a noise of creased fabric then entered, bare, in the bathtub. She was always whistling.

He had already left her body for some minutes. He liked looking at her, like a Peeping Tom, while she didn´t suspected his presence. He liked playing to the pervert. It was his favourite game before. He muttered. Still this before which came to torment him. There was no before. Simply a future. A future which seemed glorious. However, he couldn´t deny there were days when he was in the flesh, days when he was not obliged to share a body. But he was not sure he regretted this before. If it could be qualified so. In this girl´s body, he had lived so funny things. Beyond the fact that she was particularly attractive, especially in the morning, in the shower, she was very amusing. Sharing her heart, he had been able to take advantage of all this shy red-haired girl with a burning brown glance´s secrets. It was so funny. Naturally, at first, he had been bored, only receiving a stupid twelve-year-old kid´s confidences. But she had grown and her thoughts had become more interesting. The secrets of her heart, those she hid, he had learnt them. It was still his Peeping Tom´s side.

She wrapped a towel around her waist and around her breast.

He growled, disappointed.

She smiled to her reflection, in the mirror, and began to unstangle her long red hair, which turned darker. She liked her hair. All her brothers - she had no sisters - were ashamed with it but she, she liked them.

He yawned. He didn´t give a damn about what she thought about her red hair.

She got dressed with the uniform of the school, threaded boots, took her bag then went out. She rushed down stairs, crossed a corridor, went down new stairs, crossed several empty rooms, climbed a flight then found herself in the Great Hall. Without thinking, she sat down at the Gryffindors´ table and let her glance wander. She only saw groups of teenagers bursting out laughing, between two toasts. She smiled. She liked the atmosphere always in a fever of excitement of the Great Hall. Soon, she was interrupted in her musing by a friendly pat and a loud hello. She jumped then turned around. It was Harry and Ron. They settled down beside her then chatted cheerfully. She didn´t get involved in their conversation, but contented herself with staring at them. Staring at him...

Interesting thoughts at last, he thought. It made almost one year he received her confidences about the famous, too famous for his liking, Harry Potter. The little Ginny Weasley was not totally impervious to his... And he encouraged these feelings. Harry Potter was naturally part of his plan. He could one day take revenge for the terrible insult which he had undergone before. Still this terrible before.

She sighed. She was dreaming of forbidden things. Moving reluctantly her glance away from the dark-haired young man, she threw a look to her timetable. Muggle Study till noon and two hours of Herbology in the afternoon. She sketched a smile. Her two favorite subjects... Soon, a bell rang out and there were scraping chairs, hasty steps, rush, laughs. But she stayed behind, preferring letting the bustle take out and not being squashed between tall seventh year.

He sighed. Muggle Studies... He would be able to sleep.

***

She put down her things on a table, in the first row. As usually, nobody came to sit down next to her. Not even Helena with whom she often worked. She sighed. She regretted having no true friends. Naturally there were Helena her partner, Colin - although he did not really speak to her any more since he went out with a girl who was called Hannah - and then others with who she sometimes chatted. But it was not friends as Ron was for Harry.

She sighed again and put back her attention on the class.

***

He began losing patience. Half an hour of Muggle Studies was more than he could support. Anyway, Muggle would never have to exist.

***

He was staring at the clock, counting the minutes which chimed out slowly, very slowly, too slowly. He fell in a sort of invincible dullness. Though he knew he didn´t have to be gained by this lethargy. It separated his memories of his soul and he felt weak every time it raged. However, he had learnt to resist, he did not give away as he used to do five years ago. He had more strenght...

Curiously, it was a word pronounced by the teacher which took him out of the dullness, a word which made him listen carefully...

***

" So, the schizophrenia is a dissociation of the personality. I repeat this disease can affect Moldus as much as wizards. Miss Weasley, can you remind me of the schizophrenic´s state of mind ? "

Ginny hesitated one second then said out loud :

" The schizophrenic cut off the real world to live in his imagination. To simplify, he invents people he sees but who do not exist. "

" Very good. Five points for Gryffindor. "

***

Schizophrenia... He staid thoughtful a while. He liked this word. Poetic but especially...

A small smile was born in the corner of his mouth, a small smile which transformed into a devilish grimace. He had finally found the means not to waste his time in Muggle Studies, not to be frustrated in a girl´s body, so charming she was. He left Ginny's body and settled down on the windowsill. He knew that he could not stay there for a long time because he didn´t have to part from his memories, which stayed engraved in her heart, but he just wanted to look at her, to look fondly at her during the last minutes of tranquillity that´s left to her. He came to her, ran his fingers through Ginny's red and silky hair, although knowing she felt nothing then devour her with his eyes, her, the fragile, shy, unstable Ginny.

No sensitive souls.

***

She felt like a breath brushing her hair. It was really unpleasant but it often happened to her. It was quite strange. She took a quill, a piece of parchment and wrote what the old woman said.

The schizophrenia is a deep and progressive change of the personality ...

***

Relieved of having ended her workday, she put her heavy bag on her bed and loosened her boots. She untied her hair and had a sigh of satisfaction. She stayed there a small moment, without doing anything, just staring at Hogwarts park, through the window. Suddenly, she heard a slight shiver in the darkest hidden recess of the room. She quivered and her heart began beating. Lying in wait, she held her breath, looking with attention at the corner where the noise came from. There was a dry cough. She held a scream and somebody went out of the shadow. With a voice altered by the fear, she asked :

" Who are you ? What are you doing there ? "

He put off the hood which veiled his face then answered, with a big smile :

" You do not recognize me ? "

She cried out and ran to lock herself into the bathroom. Through the door, she shouted him :

" Please, leave ! Please, leave, I beg you ! Please, leave me in peace ! You have already made me suffer ! Please, leave far ! "

Breathless, she leaned against the hinged section when she felt a hand brushing her shoulder. All her body froze but she managed to turn the head. He was there. He had managed to cross the wall. This time, her shout remained blocked in her throat and she fell, prostrate, in the ground, hiding her head in her hands and repeating continuously :

" Please, leave far ! Please, leave far ! "

He snuggled up near her ; she did not dare to push him away and he whispered in her ear :

" I do not want to harm you, little girl. I am Tom. "

" I know who you are. You are Tom Marvalo Jedusor. You are Voldemort. You used me five years ago. And you want to begin again. "

He took a contrite expression and squeezed up a little more against her.

" Do not believe it. I am not Voldemort, no. No. I am Tom. Just Tom and I want to become your friend. "

She observed it, amazed. He was, against her, as a child. He seemed so kind. She stopped thinking that, reminding herself that the diary had a kind look too. She got ready to say something but he outstripped her :

" I am not as the diary. I know that you are afraid of me because of the diary. "

She stood there open-mouthed. How did he have been able to guess her thoughts ? She asked him that. With a funny smile, he answered :

" I read in your thoughts, Ginny. I am you and, at the same time, I am another one. But I am well and truly you. You heart had created me. "

She succeeded uttering :

" You... You mean that no one can see you but me ? "

He talked on :

" Yes, little girl. Because I live in your imagination. Without you, I am nothing. "

She looked extremely shattered. She seemed to remember something then stuck a hand to her mouth, her glance filled with dismay. She whispered :

" I can see people who do not exist. I see people others can not see. "

" Yes, you do. You learn very quickly " he said with a free-and-easy voice.

She spoke on without having heard him :

" I ... It ... It is not normal ... I should go to... go to bed, tomorrow everything will go better. "

Trying not to look at him, she went to her bed, threw her books on the ground - she never did that - undressed at top speed, and, without taking care of the time, she went to bed. But she soon noticed fast it was totally insane. She sat up to think, to put her ideas straight. But she didn´t have that pleasure. Tom came to sit down near her and stared at her with his big grey eyes. She avoided ceaselessly his glance. He murmured then :

" You can not chase me away. Now that I am there, I can not leave any more. You will have to live with me ; do not you believe that it would be wiser if we were friends ? "

She pushed him away violently :

" No ! " she roared. " You are an hypocrite ! You use me ! "

He had a nasty smile and twisted her arm. She shouted with pain.

" Stop it, little girl. I shall not leave. Never forget I know what you think of. Do not forget that. Never. If you do not accept what I ask, I will be able, for example, to tell someone called Harry Potter what you think of him. "

" No, I beg you. "

" I would be able to tell your dear mother that Brad was not a mere boyfriend. "

" Too bad, she already knows it. "

" I can make you expell of Hogwarts... "

" No, I beg you. "

" Do not push me away, so. "

He took loving expression :

" Let me sleep next to you, please... "

She answered nothing, staring desperately at the space, praying certainly that somebody comes to save her. He blew the candle then murmured to Ginny :

" Never forget you are the only one to see me. There is no need to shout my presence from the rooftops. It is too late little girl. You are taken in the trap. "

He laughed hysterically.

***

He looked quiet near her, but she could not suppress the panic which constrained her. She was thinking. She had to speak to someone, but who ? Not to Ron, he would take her for a fool. To Harry ?

A voice broke the silence of the room :

" Beware little girl. I told you not to speak about it. They will not believe you. "

" Why ? Why am I the only one to see you ? "

" Mmmmm... I do not know... "

***

A word haunted her. Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia. She could not help thinking she was schizophrenic. She remembered very well the lesson...

The schizophrenia is a sensory delirium of strangeness, an impression to be under the influence of an outside force.

She had not seized the sense of this sentence that afternoon, but now, she understood. She presented all the symptoms of this strange disease.

No. It was impossible. She was not... She could not be schizophrenic. He interrupted her thoughts :

" Schizophrenia... What a strange disease... "

She thought that she was going to scream. He tortured her morally. It was more than what she could bear.

***

She went down, the following morning, in the Great Hall, without having slept a wink, Tom hard on her heels. She trembled and knew that her terror can be read in her eyes. When she sat down next to Harry, he looked at her strangely. He eventually said :

" I guess you have not sleep well... "

She stuttered :

" Yes... I have... I... Harry, I must speak to you. "

She felt that he pulled her hair. She held a shout then hurried and finished :

" No, do not worry. I am all right. "

***

He was almost laughing at the sight of the terrified glance she had all day long. He consumed her little by little. She would eventually give up. Then, he would use her. As he had done before.

He grumbled. No. It would not be as before. BEFORE did not exist. He would succeed in using the girl. She was sixteen. Exactly the age of his memories. He could take his body. She would accept. Simply to be freed of his devilish presence. She would join the others. She would join Beauty, he had killed after having seduced her. She would join Oleyssja who had sold him her body. She would join Elisa he had pretended to love. She would join Wendy who had been too bold. And then she would join Lily he had really loved but who had not wanted to love him.

Lily ...

***

For the second night, Ginny did not sleep. She could not take her frightened look off Tom. He was right. He only existed in her mind. She was schizophrenic. A tear poured on her cheek. She wanted him to leave. But how ? She could not tell nobody what she saw. Otherwise, they would send her to St Mungo´s and she would be locked for the rest of her life. She shivered at this thought. She wanted to live. Live free. Free. Otherwise, she wanted to die.

***

He wanted Ginny's body. And she did not give it rather fast. He must still torment her a little more.

***

She settled down at a table of the library. The only one which was free. Finally, she wasn´t really alone because Tom was there. She hoped he would leave her in peace. She opened her book of Defense against the Dark Arts and buried in her reading.

He began speaking to her, only to bother her. He almost roared.

Annoyed, she raised her eyes full of tears towards him and shouted, to cover his voice :

" Keep silent ! "

He kept silent abruptly and it was only at this moment that she realized that she had spoken in the space. The librarian, beside herself, came to her :

" Miss Weasley, your behavior is unacceptable ! Please, take your things and go out ! Do not set a foot here till the end of the year. "

While Madam Pince turned on her heels and walked away, Ginny gathered her things and left the library, blushing with embarrassment, followed by stunned and derisive glances. On the step of the door, she burst into sobs which doubled when she heard him :

" Very upset, little girl ? "

Not knowing any more what she did, she roared :

" Leave ! Leave me in peace ! I shall kill you ! I hate you ! "

She does not see the pupils who passed observing her strangely. She continued :

" You suffocate me ! Leave ! Leave ! "

Madam Pince heard the din caused by Ginny and, mad with rage, she took the girl by the arm and, pulling Ginny behind her, she took the way of the Headmaster´s office.

" You are brazen Miss, brazen ! "

Ginny, as for her, whispered more and more quietly :

" Leave ! Leave ! "

***

He was exultant.

She was at the breaking point. Life was escaping little by little from her body. In some days she would have joined Beauty, Oleyssja, Elisa, Wendy and Lily. In some days he would find again the power he had before.

No. Not that before. Much better than before.

Much better.

***

Ginny sat in front of Dumbledore, the glance empty. From time to time, she roared hiding her face in her hands, shouted to somebody to leave. The Headmaster did not know what to think. He tried to approach her but she pushed him away shouting :

" Please, leave ! Please, leave ! You hurt me ! "

***

She was afraid, very afraid. He was there, so close. She only saw shadows, he was everywhere.

Everywhere.

She was more and more afraid.

***

Dumbledore ordered to transport the little Weasley to the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey would diagnose fastly the disease. He watched the beautiful red-head girl going away in Hagrid's arms with sadness. He was almost sure to know why she suwas like that. What she had lived five years ago had profoundly left its mark on her. And she felt the consequences today. She was certainly paranoiac.

He sighed. All this youth wasted because of a man, Voldemort.

What Dumbledore did not know was that he made a mistake. Ginny was lost well and truly. But not because of Voldemort. No. Because of Tom and of his cursed memories.

***

Madam Pomfrey made the girl swallow a sleeping potion.

The nurse sat down, exhausted. She had had to use a thousand stratagems to make Ginny drink the beverage. She had not stopped running throughout the room.

Madam Pomfrey let her glance settle on the lifeless body of the redhead and sighed. She did not need analyses to guess that the young Weasley suffered from schizophrenia. She must be transfered to St Mungo´s, to the psychiatry district, as soon as possible, otherwise, she would kill herself.

***

Harry ran up to Dumbledore's office. He wanted to know what happened to Ginny. He had seen her screaming in a corridor. He rubbed the head of the gargoyle whispering the last password then went down the spiral staircase. He found itself in front of a pensive Dumbledore.

" Professor ? " he said.

A deep voice answered him :

" You want to know don´t you ? "

" For Ginny, yes, I want. What happens to her ? "

" Have you already heard the word schizophrenia ? "

" Not really. "

" It is a strange disease really. The schizophrenic sees imaginary beings and he thinks that they persecute him. "

" You mean Ginny is... "

Dumbledore seemed terribly old at that time :

" I think it is because of what happened in the Chamber of Secrets. "

***

Harry came slowly in the infirmary. He had not warned Ron. No. Neither Ron nor the twins. He did not want them to worry. Or maybe it was for another thing. Harry did not really know. Maybe it was because he wanted to find himself alone with her. He did not know why. He wanted to be with her, even if she did not recognize him. He approached the bed where she rested and sat down near her head. He watched her sleeping. He knew the sleep was the only quiet moment she enjoyed. He did not want to wake her. She was beautiful. He scrutinized all the red shades in her hair, the long black lashes, the skin so pale that it was translucent there.

Suddenly, she shivered. She stirred. She opened her eyes.

***

She opened her eyes. She first saw all the shadows, then he, who was everywhere. She wanted to shout but she was not able to. Somebody was tilted on her. Still him. She pushed him away violently screaming this time. But there was a flash of light in the dark room and she knew that it was not him who was tilted on her...

***

He had almost totally taken up her body. Just some hours and she would totally belong to him. Just some hours and she would be dead. They would not even have to transport her to St Mungo´s.

But suddenly, a flash of light blinded him and he felt he fell, fell, fell...

***

She knew it was Harry. But he was so blurred... She would have wanted to speak to him... But she was not able to. She did not know any more... She held a hand and caught his wrist.

***

Harry shivered when she screamed but he would have sworn that she had recognized him. It was this light in her eyes maybe... He was dying to kiss her. He did not know why but he was sure that it was that which had made him to come. He approached his face to her ear and whispered :

" Gin... It is me. It is Harry. "

She murmured something inaudible but he thought she had said his name. He spoke on slowly:

" You remember when I said my most dear dream was to live where I could smell freedom ? You had laughed and had answered freedom was abstract, that it was not a scent. But freedom had a scent, Gin. Yours. "

***

She tried to understand what he said to her. She was sure that it was kind. But somebody hit her skull at the same time. She only understood he spoke about freedom.

Freedom. It is what she would have liked, being free. She wanted to tell him that she loved him. Even shout him. But the devil man did not want her to say that. She tried. On her lips, she tried to draw letters, words "I love you".

***

She wanted to tell him something, he was sure of it. But he did not succeed in reading on her lips. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. Slowly, he approached his lips of hers.

***

He saw they were going to kiss each other. He almost roared with fury. If he kissed her, everything would wasted. He did not understand love. It was not able to love - except Lily maybe, but it was the past. He did not know what the word like meant. If these two fools kissed each other, he would be expelled from the girl´s body. He gathered all his strengths to prevent Ginny from make the fatal act.

***

He put his lips on Ginny´s. She put her arm around his neck. He was surprised but read in her eyes she knew who it was. She wanted too.

But it was brief, too brief.

She was shaken by spasms, her eyes filled with horror.

***

He roared. He was thrown outside her body.

***

It hurt. Pain. Pain. Pain. She felt taken up by the inside. She believed that her heart would explode. All her body was shaken by spasms. She hiccupped. She was not afraid, no, not afraid. She felt that it was the end.

***

He squeezed her hand. He did not want her to leave. No... She could not... No...

***

She did not fight any more. It had been quite a while since she did not fight any more, really. She did not have to fight... Anyway, one day or another you were destined for dying...

Suddenly, the outburst of colors which had assailed, first of all, her head, vanished. Everything was black. How could she define black ? She would not have known how to say which type of black it was.

After all, all the blacks are the same, are not they ? There is the black of the feathers of the raven. Bad omen. The black of the cat pupil who fixes you in the dark... When she thought of it, she shivered. And the hope-black ? This black would have had to exist ? But not here. Not in this world. Everything was black but something was changing, she knew it. It was so difficult to explain... As if a hand squeezed her heart, a hand so strong that all her memories filled her head.

Happy memories... There was a rainbow in the sky dazzling with all its colors. She had many happy memories... A turquoise blue area extended in front of her. The sea... She liked the sea... And then all this blue, all this pink, this lily-white, this gold, bronze, silver, bright yellow and emerald green sparkled...

It was better that the black... She liked the colors of this country. It was more beautiful than on the other side... Unhappy memories... Everything became dark again. Not even blue, not even pink, not even white. She noticed that she was crying. As all these evenings when she had waited for him, hoping for a word of love, for a soft gesture and when nothing had come. This wave of melancholy often came, before. But why now ? This world was so strange. Nothing moved, nothing showed life. She quivered. This word " life " had grated on her ears. A taste of blood spread on her lips. Nothing showed life. Still this lump in her throat, this blood on her lips. Life. A dull pain assailed her. Life. The pain was stronger, so stronger.

LIFE !

No, I beg you ! Please, leave me ! I do not want any more...

She had closed her eyes - she did not really know why she would watch on the darkness - and had taken her head in her hands, blocking her ears, trying to push aside this whistling which began to rise. Abruptly the sound stopped, the pain disappeared. Amazed, she fluttered her eyelashes, half-opened an eyelid, then the other one. She heaved a sigh of relief. She did not really know why she had been so afraid. She did not have to worry... It was really beautiful here. Many colours but no lively shades, just pastels tones.

It was more restful. There were nice smells too. Flowers scents especially. She bent and cut a white lily which grew to her feet. She observed this delicate, pure, shy, discreet flower a long time and tied it in her hair. She really liked this place. She saw a young lady, not much older than her, with long auburn hair and like Harry´s, who bathed in a brook. She knew at once that she preferred this world to the other one.

***

He looked at her, puzzled. He did not know what to think. He should have cried, sobbed, he knew it. But, spread in front of him, she seemed so happy. He had always wanted to make her happy. He noticed then for the first time a flower scent which emanated from her long red hair.

Lily ...

***

Ginny had left to join the others. He knew who she had found. Inevitably Lily. Both women were so the same. Physically as morally. Beauty was too stupid to be the guide of Ginny, over there, Oleyssja was not rather noble, Elisa was too blind and Wendy was only a calculating girl. Nobody was like Ginny. Nobody was worthy of her. There was only Lily. Lily, the only one he had really loved. Lily would take care of Ginny over there, he was sure of it.

He blew the dust which recovered the diary. He would wait. Maybe years. Maybe decades. Maybe centuries. But he would succeed in making his memories join his body. Even if other Ginny, other Lily would have had to die. The only problem was to know if he was or if he was not, if he would be or would not be.

To be or not to be, that is the question.