Memories can kill

Memories Can Kill

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Memories can make you go crazy
Memories can torture you
Memories can console you
Memories can help you
Memories can kill you ...
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I don't want to talk
About things I've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history

"Oh James ... What happened ?"

This is something I still can't figure this out. One day he is there, eating ice cream out of the carton, the next he is dead and lying under a brick wall. One day, I am sitting in their kitchen, holding Harry, while James apologized to him for his hair, the next I am sitting in Azkaban, accused of my best friend's death. What happened ...?

I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

That stupid Peter. If I ever get out of here, I will ... A wave of anger washed over me. It was a hot boiling inside of me. Memories - they were what I lived on in here. All cell mates lived on memories, but I knew I was innocent, so I still had a few good ones left.

"Sirius Black."

I stood up , ready to get my Diploma. Dumbledore hugged me , and handed me a piece of parchment. It was tied wih a red and gold ribbon - Gryffindor colours.

"Congratulations Sirius. 3rd over all marks. I would never have expected it from you, Mr. I - Never - Study."

But his blue eyes were twinkling, and I laughed along with him. 'Don't worry, neither did I"

Graduation. That had been nice. James, Lily, Remus, Emilie, Peter, ma and Daniella ...

James, Lily, me and Daniella sat in the common room, watching Remus trounce Peter at wizard chess. It was the Christmas Holidays , and we were the only ones there. Dani was cuddled up against me, and I enjoyed the way it seemed meant to be. We didn't talk, we didn't say anything. Neither did Lily and James. We sat there, quiet for the moment, lost in our own little world. We all understood each other, just for that moment.

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Beside the Victory
That's the destiny

Slow, witless Peter. He is out there, supposedly dead, honoured with the Order of Merlin, 1st Class, when he was the one who murdered all those people. Azkaban had begun to work it's spell on me long ago. All I could think of was Peter and James ...

James ... no James ! Come back James !! As I flew over to their house, I could tell that something was wrong. And when I saw the smoke, I knew... I landed, not really knowing what I was doing. Everything was hazy - I couldn't see anything for a minute. But then - there was Lily, lying in the ground, her arms cradling the air, as if she had died holding something, protecting something. I could feel myself blanch, and I began to cry. I ran around, looking for something that I didn't want to find. And there, right where the front door used to be, was James. He was as untouched as Lily had been, but his whole right side was covered in rubble - crushed. Blood seeped out into the wreckage, from where his head was. I let out an anguished scream - "Nooooooooooo!"

James was my barrier. He always got me out of messes I had made, always made me feel better. I was safe with him. Without him, I was nothing. So now I was nothing. Just Sirius Black.

I was in your grip
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence

Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

I never thought you would die. And what about Dani ? I never thought..

"Oh Sirius. I love you."

That was the first time she had ever said that. It was right after my parents were murdered, and I had needed some werious cheering up. She had always been there.

"Oh Dani ..."

"I know. I know."

I pulled her towards me, smelling her hair. It smelled like Strawberries and rain - typical Dani.

"Oh Dani, don't leave me."

"Don't worry Sirius. I won't leave you. I never will."

But when I had been put in here, I heard she had left. She had testified against me, before leaving for America, and hasn't been heard from since.

The Gods may throw the dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain

I suppose I should get used to it. After all, I will be here until I die. In this timeless place, this place where Peter should be, not me.

" James, you have to switch your secret keeper to Peter. I fear Remus may be the one. And I also think that Voldermort may suspect me. I would rather die for you, than see you and Lily die."

"As I would for you. And I have one more favor to ask of you before you leave. If anything should happen to us, can you please take care of Harry?"

"Nothing will happen to you."

"Please Sirius. Just in case. Lily and I have talked about it for a long time, and we have decided to make you Harry's God father - if you will."

"Of course. But it will be for no reason. Voldermort is not going to get you. I promise."

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules I must obey

Dani .... She I missed so much. We had been best friends before we went out. I was with her for 4 years. And on October 31, 1981

"Remus is one of my best friends Sirius ! As well as one of yours ! How dare you accuse him !"

"I wasn't accusing him !"

"Yes Sirius. Yes you were. 'Remus is the spy. I just know it. It all fits'. Those were your exact words. Next thing you know, I am going to be a Death Eater to you too."

'Dani-"

"No Sirius. You listen. Don't give me that look either. I don't want you to die either. You can't be the Secret Keeper. Let Dumbledore. I don't want you to leave me too. I have already lost everything."

"Dani - if I lose James, I lose everything."

"Then don't say you love me. Don't say it, because I am obviosly not worth it."

"Dani - I didn't mean it that way"

"That's right Sirius. You never mean anything you say."

And she walked out.

Those were the last words she ever said to me.

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low

The game is on again
A love or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

So, I was stuck in this hell hole of a place, while Peter was out there, carried away by his own cleverness. So I lost to him. And he won. Fudge swept in examining the Prisoners.

'Excuse me Minister. Could I maybe have your newspaper? I missed doing the crossword."

He seemed shocked. Wordlessly, he handed it to me. He opened his mouth to ask me a question, then thought better of it, and closed it.

I don't want to think about it
Because it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand

I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self confidence

Fudge seemed almost as though he cared ... but no. I was just a murderer in his eyes. As I was in everyone's eyes.

Dani and I were playing tag with the rest of our friends. Dani sneaked up behind me and tagged me, also suceeding in pushing me in the lake.

Dripping wet, I pulled myself out of the lake.

"I'll kill you !" I screeched, half laughing.

"No you won't ! I don't love a murderer !"

"Oh ? Try Me ?" And I chased after her.

And now, she must think she did love a murderer.

But you see
The winner takes it all

The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

So Peter won. And I lost it all - Dani, James, Lily, trust - my old life. I had lost it all.

The Winner Takes It All