Consolation Prize

The night is warm. George lies awake in bed. He can't sleep. Insomnia is beginning to become normal for him.

He wonders why he can't sleep sometimes. The war is over, and his family escaped with fewer losses than most. He still has his twin and the business is doing well. They're expanding to Dublin and Glasgow within the year. He is safe, healthy and by all rights, he should be happy. He has the man he loves in his bed every night and in his flat every day. He has permission to touch, kiss, or hold any time he wants. What more can he ask for?

The little voice deep inside him that always speaks the truth tells him the answer. It is only at night when George can hear it. Only at night, when he lies awake next to Oliver and the world is sleeping, it is quiet enough for him to make out the voice's words.

You could ask him to love you back.

He sighs. He could ask for that. But, for some reason, it seems like a very selfish thing to ask for.

George isn't stupid. He knows that Oliver loves him. Only not in the same way that George loves him. Not with his whole heart, unequivocally. Oliver loves him, yes. But in Oliver's heart, George will always be number two. He is the consolation prize when first prize is dead.

He scowls. Obviously, he knows that Oliver sees him as a person, not a prize. George can't tell if he is the Next Best Thing, or just someone to stave off the loneliness, to keep away the darkness.

Lately, George has been feeling like the second one. He lies awake while Oliver sleeps and keeps away the darkness and the nightmares. Sometimes, he isn't very good at that.

When Oliver has nightmares, he only wants one thing, someone to distract him, to make him feel something, anything that isn't pain or sorrow. That's where George comes in. When Oliver wakes, he'll shiver for a few moments and reach for George. George is always there.

He'll kiss Oliver's lips, driving away the words of the nightmare. He'll touch Oliver's skin, driving away the feel of the nightmare. He'll find Oliver's sensitive areas and make him moan, driving away the sounds of the nightmare. He'll kiss Oliver's eyes, driving away the sights of the nightmare.

Then, he'll move down Oliver's body and take him into his mouth. He'll lick and kiss and tongue and suck until Oliver empties himself down his throat. Until every last part of the nightmare is gone.

But, Oliver is not selfish. As soon as he is in control again, he'll move down George's body and suck him off. Turnabout is fair play.

But it's never the same. George approaches Oliver trying to take something away, trying to take the nightmare. Oliver approaches George trying to get something. It's as if George took the nightmare, but there's a part of it that Oliver wants back.

Every time, no matter how hard George tries to bury that part deep inside, Oliver manages to get it back.

He knows Oliver gets it back because once they are sated Oliver will turn away from him and curl up into a ball. He'll curl around that part that George can't have and he'll protect it, nurture it, even if he can never get it back in reality.

George knows that the nightmare is always about the man Oliver really loves, the one in front of George. Oliver holds on to the memory, even though the real person is dead. That just makes it worse. There's no chance of the person doing anything that will make Oliver love him less, and it makes George feel even guiltier when he feels resentful and jealous.

George can't live up to a glorified memory of the dead. A large part of him wishes that Oliver's love were still alive, for many reasons. A smaller, more terrifying, part of him is grateful that he is dead, because now George has Oliver. George tries to smother that part, but it won't die.

George knows Oliver can never love him the most. He's always known. But that doesn't make the cold truth any easier to swallow, no matter how eagerly he does it.

Sometimes he wonders if it would be easier if it were someone else, anyone else, who was higher in Oliver's heart than him. But it doesn't matter. Oliver doesn't love anyone else, and George gets constant reminders.

The reminders come after the nightmares and the soothing. George will lie there silently, and Oliver will think he's asleep. Then, Oliver will let loose the sobs that he tries to save George from hearing. The sobs are quiet, but more heart wrenching than anything George has ever heard. Oliver will sob for some time, and eventually he'll stop, but not before the name spills off his lips reluctantly, like he doesn't want it to go. As if he doesn't want the world or anyone to hear it. As if the name is just for him to hold and curl around in the dark beside George. As if even the name matters more than George does. Just like he did when he was alive.

"Percy."